OK, so I know I'm an alcoholic. I've finally accepted that, and I recognize the negative consequences alcohol is having on my life, but my consequences are nothing compared to those I've read about and heard about in the few meetings I've attended. Nonetheless I know I'm an alcoholic. Yet part of me, a very strong part of me, doesn't want to give it up. Do you really have to want to give it up to make the change? Is that why I'm so fickle in my attempts to quit? When I think back to when I quit smoking I know that part of me still wanted to smoke, but I was resigned to the fact that I couldn't (of course I had patches to help me along but who's counting). My point being, I'm still not convinced I need to quit. I'm 90% convinced, but not 100% ready. Is this just part of it?
all not yets for you, all those consequences can be yours, I know some of them were mine, not all, but some, and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. I think its great that you have some realisation of a drinking problem, its further down the line that what I was. I believed I could always plan it a different way, unfortunately, the outcomes were always the same in the end, not the fun, happy times that I had planned. Stay safe, and I hope you keep going to meetings, with a desire to stop drinking.
Hello Jade, Welcome to the group, glad you are here and I enjoyed reading your share this morning. I could relate very much so to your feelings of not wanting to quit.
Only you can determine if you are the 'real' alcoholic that is described in our literature. Many talk of hitting a bottom in drinking and many ppl's bottoms are different. I have found it rare to find many wet drunks in the meeting rooms of AA ever since I joined. I am of the belief that the only difference between a high bottom drunk and a low bottom drunk is that one pukes and one throws up.
I have found that We all get to AA for the most part because booze was a problem for us. In one way or another alcohol caused me much pain and when I found that AA offered a solution to my problems I began to work the program.
No, I did not lose a family ( maybe temporarily ) or a home. And I was not laying in the gutter with a trench coat covering brown bagged bottles of cheap wine, begging for a few cents here or there to get another bottle. But booze was ruining my life and I knew at the end of my drinking that if I didnt stop drinking, I was going to die.
Today my life is very different ... because of AA and the God I found there, I am a sober alcoholic who is happy on a regular basis.
I would suggest for you to continue attending meetings. Get our big book and read at least the first 164 pages ... read it more than once. If you can understand the words and relate to what you read, then search out a same sex sponsor and begin to work the 12 steps which are the program.
Try to take all of this one day at a time, dont rush yourself if you are unsure and never be afraid to ask questions. We are all here to help the new person.
hEY Jade welcome...Many of us had these early feelings.Remember as our 3rd tradition tells us "the only requirement for membership is the "desire" to stop drinking"Nothing more ,nothing less so you will have to continue to work things out with yourself,and make the decision to totally surrender or not.I would suggest you keep making meetings, learn to listen and listen to learn.When the pain outweighs the pleasure "a more rigorous application of the program may take place.Thanks for sharing from your heart,keep coming back.....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Hi Jade, welcome to the board. Here's my 2 cents: I think a person can go a long time knowing they are alcoholic and have a problem, but also knowing that they are sort of functional in a screwed up way. This kept me drinking for a long time cuz I never lost my job and never had a DUI...well, it progressed to the point that I felt so empty and lost and I did start accumulating the yets...I did start passing out and having black outs. I did wreck my car drunk. It took years for the progression to hit that point, but it did and now I can't look back. Personally, I believe AA is also about living a better life so quitting drinking is just part of healing myself on many levels and that is a good thing. keep coming back.
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 4th of January 2010 09:48:37 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Jade, Welcome! Yes, I can relate to your situation. When I first went to AA I didn't want to stop drinking but everyone else in my life did. My consequences were minor at this point. So I never surrendered, I admitted I was an alcoholic but did nothing about it. I only attended meetings and relapsed over and over for 3 years. The yets became the agains and the consequences piled up to match some that I was comparing to when I first entered the program. For me, I had to fully surrender to this diesase then take action. Once I took action and worked with a sponsor, steps and HP, my life changed. My life changed for the good and today I don't find it necessary to drink, One Day At A Time. AA and the Steps is a design for living. The program works, but only if you work it.
Welcome to MIP! I was told in the program a few years ago to quit looking for the differences and start finding the similarities. I did find many, but still wasn't ready to let it all go. Well, I hit a very hard low bottom 9 months and 1 day ago, and just gave in to the fact that I can NEVER drink again. Today my life is better than I could have ever imagined, and it's all thanks to my complete surrender. Remember this, you don't have to take the elevator all the way to the bottom, you can get off at any floor you want.
As far as the "yets", I'm always reminded what the word stands for...
Sounds like you are in the "just reseaching this now" mode, we all did that, well speaking for myself, I sure did.
But the next time you are sitting in a meeting, do you think you might try to listen, and not create a Judgement?? not being sarcastic, just asking if that would be possible. I went to hundreds and hundreds of AA meetings, and sad to say I always judged. It blocked out the soft voices of Experience, STRENGTH and HOPE
That was many many years ago. And it was also the years of trying to stop, not succeeding, trying again, not able to stop. That pretty much describes my first five years of Relapse, and even when the day comes that any Alcoholic has the "desire" to quit, it is not that easy. After that five years, I gave up and said to myself, why should I go to meetings, the Steps on the Board look like absolute Greek to me, and just like you said, with so much left to lose, hey, I am an alcoholic, and that is what alcoholics do, they drink.......
So going back to your "reseach" how about doing some studying up on the Stages of Alcoholism, it has several stages to it. Probably the most notable, is the Denial Stage. Interesting reading material, all the way to the end stage, Insanity and or Death.
So please come back and let us know how you are doing with the reseach part, ok.
My own reseach took me almost to the end of the line, ten years of Relapse, and now today, this year, with the Help of the Program, and the Grace of God, I will celebrate 20 years this September 12th of continous, one day at a time Sober living. But have to say I would not wish those last tens years of drinking on my worst enemy, and ironically I dont have any. Well just one, the Disease of Alcoholism, and just do this Program one day at a time, and feel Gratitude for each day of breathing and not drinking, (Quoting from Rob's Sponsor)
A Big hug, Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Monday 4th of January 2010 04:35:01 PM
Hi Jade, I remember when I moved here to this small community and everyone at the meetings were men, like 70 and over (no offence guys). They had been fired, gone to jail, lost jobs, families and I'm sitting there knowing full well that I had a problem with drinking, but did absolutely nothing remotely close to those things! But I stuck around cause I didn't want to drink anymore, period, and apparently, this AA thing worked. Eventually, I met some younger women and men who I could relate to. The internet was a great place to "meet" people that went through simular things like me. Thanks for asking, your alot humbler than I ever was! Christine
Hi, well I always thought I could bet the game alone! Guess what It kicked my ass! Than took all the asses around me! I just knew I had a problem but figured I could solve them better that what those A.A'er's could. I felt like they were weak and I would prevail...well I did!
First I lost friends and family, jobs, a place to live..didn't have food to eat clean clothes. No one would even talk to me in the end, even if I had the money for a drink. I was hopeless. I lost me and the will to live. Just sit still, if you must drink again it will never be the same. Believe me when the pain gets great enough surrender will look sweet. I will keep you in my thoughts!
"He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with or without it. Then he will know lonliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end." Alcoholics Anonymous page 152.
My life came to this point and I just lost the will to live. I had the desire to quit drinking long before I did because I was afraid to face life without alcohol. In the book it says we beg of you with all the earnestness at our command to be fearless and thorough from the very start. We beg you because we have been to the jumping off place and we don't want others to go to this place.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
