Practicing the "If you keep an open mind...you will find help"; from the ending statement in an Al-Anon meeting I ended up having a spontaneous 10th step moment where I was able to learn some of why I have been dealing with denial and my subconscious mind has been shouting from where ever it has been in the room of my mind. Discovery? I love to fart around...not take life/things seriously. I love to play and joke and sing and dance. It might be why HP can contact my spirit easily thru butterflies and birds and light dancey music. I have always wanted to look at life thru the Walt Disney filter and find the happiness rather than the sadness and sickness of this disease which I was with and thru. Why wouldn't I carry that attitude along thru my recovery program. It is a natural for me and it fits well with Let go and Let God and turn it over. When I do those slogans and more I can stay out and play rather than come into the classroom and learn. I realized that this is how I textured my veil of denial and I insisted that I have my way of dealing with the serious responsibilities of my life more than I should have so it became habit and is still hanging around and I have been finding it still useful. Going along with this 10th step was a "conscious" effort and that is what turns the light on when I need the light. I also had to consciously accept that part of the problem is that I am attention deficit and have been as long as I can remember also...It is the tap root psycologically to the sub-conscious/conscious switching. I am easily distracted especially when what draws me away from my responsibilites is safe and playful and happy and light. I was in a meeting when the awareness hit; a meeting where the fellowship were talking about discovery and change. It's a clue or awareness that I can work with for further discovery and change. Kinda scary because I don't know the outcome of it yet and this guy just loves guarantees.
This 10th has been a consequence of searching and fearless and open minded listening and your responses to earlier post have been teaching me. Keep coming back and thanks for those who have done so. (((((hugs)))))
I hate and love the journey of becoming more responsible through my sobriety. I am still at the point of learning to take care of myself better, as I had reached a point in my alcoholism that I avoided all responsibility other than going to work each day. I understand where you are coming from Jerry. I am inherently lazy (not saying you are) but this is something I need to deal with cuz it causes me unnessary anxiety when crap piles up that I am procrastinating. I do have a stressful job and i used to use that as an excuse to have other's handle all aspects of my life while I got plastered and didn't participate in most areas of life. There are many rewards of being free from alcohol. But...with freedom comes responsibility and I tell my clients in the jail that all the time. I need to follow my own advice, but also not be hard on myself. It's a delicate balance.
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 4th of January 2010 09:59:32 AM
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