Sponsorship

tokengirl · Veteran Member

Sponsorship

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Sure it's working out, TokenGirl! Two years is pretty awesome and you're doing great service work! I didn't smoke today and right now it's because I have a chance to extend a hand to you instead of jonezin'.

Sponsors...I dunno what to tell you , except keep searching. I got lucky. My sponsor is old school and I'm pretty receptive to firm authority IF they are also a good leader who knows what they're doing.

Keep on keeping on...we're here for you in our own way.

Peace,
Rob

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

You've got the meetings and the sobriety down okay...maybe some apathy and
procrastination included that's what goes on with me from time to time however
I've never had a sponsor (I've had more than several) who wasn't willing to work
with me at anytime. It might be the one behind you rather than the one in front of
you that will work. Give it another try. smile

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

You work the steps for you. Sponsor is there to help guide you and answer questions. Don't place too much empasis on someone needing to give you deadlines and push you through. Find someone that you connect with, work the steps at the pace of your understanding. Most sponsors don't enjoy being pushy and demanding. Some do it because it's what's needed for us...but that isn't always the case. Your first sponsor probably never said "Don't do your stepwork." She was probably waiting for you to just do it. It's a possiblity.

Mark

louisa · Senior Member

Hi !

A very wise lady once told me your very best sponsor is your HP. I thought that was ridiculous......I mean I didn't even really have a great concept of an HP at that time.
Now I see she was right.

I have been through 3 sponsors in my 7 yrs and at the moment don't have one...nor do I want one! I have people I am close to in AA who know me and know about me but I don't want a sponosr as such.
The bits about sponsors in the book "Living Sober" helped me enormously. I got scared ....well panicked actually thinking that if I didn't have a sponsor, I would drink again....

I never actually did the full 12 steps with one sponsor. I found exactly the same issues as you. (One just kept phoning me up evey time she needed help with something -like her computer...I got to dread the phone. Could I come round? Yeah right. Once or twice - as I would help any AA but CONSTANTLY ...NO! then re meeting/joining her family.......no thanks.....and another one just wanted to go shopping lots!

I KNOW there are BRILLIANT sponsors out there but I always try and remember they too are human...not infalible. I just felt uneasy with it and it just doesn't work for me. Maybe it's just even the word I don' like ...I don't know! I have done the 12 steps, I listen to folk like Jack Brennan and The Big book studies with Jo & Charlie and yes, I discuss something with another human being if I need to.

I knew I would be totally honest with myself and that for me not having a sponsor was nothing to do with wanting to avoid seeing the truth about myself or hiding things. I don't need a sponsor to stay sober. I need my HP, Big Book, the program & other AA literature, Meetings, talking to other AA members - some closer and more intimately than others and perhaps most important of all to share my eperience,strength and hope with others.

You are doing GREAT....... I was very fearful and to be honest confused and distraught when I was in your situation but it has made me strong and has helped me dispel yet another myth perpetrated by some in the fellowship.

Yes! You're doing GREAT! Glad you shared - took me back & reminded me ! !

lots of love
L.

kld47 · Senior Member

Hi
I had the same problem when starting out 7 1/2 years ago.

At first everything seemed ok then she started to have medical problems.

Then her sponsor was helping me, but at times too demanding. I started looking for one somewhat closer to my own age but with years of sober time. Not too many out there.

Then I went to different meetings of mostly old timers--that helped quite a bit--also ones that promote AA approved material ie, 12 and 12, As Bill Sees It, Big Book.

It is your program and your recovery, work at a pace you can--of course ask questions if you are at a standstill.

Now no one badger me about this--but in some areas it is ok to ask the guys for help and guidance on various steps.

The listing ones should be done with a female.

mikef · MIP Old Timer

Hey Tokengirl! Nice to meet you!.Literature tells us that"complaceny is the enemy of those with substantial clean time,if we are complacent too long recovery then ceases!.
We all go thru this funk we,may get tired of having to constantly stay vigilante,'the old why cant I be like everyone else,or even well maybe I got this thing now and I can handle it better this trip! Wrong.I constantly work my steps in my daily life with "the God of my understanding"and that helps me as my sponsor is very laid back,old school,(you know whats the rush,aint no graduation from this journey!)Don't let it cause you resentments and take you out of "your process"Your on the right course,make more meetings,different meetings,share how you feel"from your heart"and constantly "work our 3rd and 11th steps for yourself.Bottom line "just don't use' ,stay connected and turn it over...Have a blessed and productive day smile

louisa · Senior Member

Sorry Tokengirl - forgot to mention in my share that those 3 sponsors were during the first 2 years of my sobriety. I now am at 7 years (February)........a day at a time .... but, like I said I did keep all the other stuff up........was really tough and disciplined on myself re all that....still am! biggrin

L xx

soberjulie · Veteran Member

Hiya Tokengirl.
I can only share my experience here....and in my experience, sponsorship with women is harder than it is for men. Not sure why.........we are a difficult bunch sometimes, aren't we? biggrin

Sharing your time with 3 or 4 other sponsee's isnt a horrible idea. Ive done this with my sponsor and what we get is a mini-meeting with lots of points of view. Plus, at 2 years sober you would get the opportunity to help others which is what we should be doing. You all could have a big book study together, or a step-study.
Going thru the steps is very important.......have you thought of asking someone to take you thru the steps versus asking them to be your sponsor?
Keep trying though....dont give up. Pray and ask your higher power for direction and then keep your eyes, ears and heart open. Your sponsor may not look or sound anything like you imagined. smile

tokengirl · Veteran Member

Your so right! I'am frighten about not having that one person trying to be like everyone else..I've found truly to my heart I don't want a sponsor.

I talk alot to certain people more than others! And sometimes I just grab a prefect stranger in the rooms that I know has time and communicate alot of stuff that way!

Most my friends says I'am cheating myself out of the experience of true relationship with someone. And I can't get the correct feedback cause noones gets to know the true me and my patterns.

Well i just don't believe I want a sponsor, and sometimes I do like when it comes time for my birthday. I joined a step group and most likely will join one again this year. But I could relate the most to your story and thanks for sharing that with me. Keep in touch I sure will need you again on this road of happy destiny! biggrin

tokengirl · Veteran Member

soberjulie wrote:

Hiya Tokengirl.
I can only share my experience here....and in my experience, sponsorship with women is harder than it is for men. Not sure why.........we are a difficult bunch sometimes, aren't we?
Sharing your time with 3 or 4 other sponsee's isnt a horrible idea. Ive done this with my sponsor and what we get is a mini-meeting with lots of points of view. Plus, at 2 years sober you would get the opportunity to help others which is what we should be doing. You all could have a big book study together, or a step-study.
Going thru the steps is very important.......have you thought of asking someone to take you thru the steps versus asking them to be your sponsor?
Keep trying though....dont give up. Pray and ask your higher power for direction and then keep your eyes, ears and heart open. Your sponsor may not look or sound anything like you imagined.

Never thought of just asking someone to just do the steps with me! Great suggestion!

tokengirl · Veteran Member

Well that beast the cigarettes! I quit for a week and bought a pack yesterday! Maybe if I had a sponsor I would have had a better chance not to take that first smoke! KIDDING!

Anyways! Thanks you seem to be a bright spot in all my problems since being on this chat!

Love you and Keep up the NOT SMOKIN! doh

louisa · Senior Member

Hi again Tokengirl,

This is just really to back up Soberjulie's suggestion.

A couple of people in AA who I see on a regular basis at meetings did just that.

They just asked somebody to take them through the steps and that works too! It really does.

As I said the book(AA Literature) 'Living Sober' helped me enormously. It kind of gave me the right to follow my inner voice re this issue. The first few pages are amazing.........and then of course Chapter 11 "Availing Yourself of a Sponsor". Allowed me to feel "free' whilst still pursuing all the wonderful tools of AA.

But yes I second Soberjulie's suggestion which is a great one!

You're doing great, - thinking for yourself too - which is great stuff. Good for you!

tokengirl · Veteran Member

Thanks again you guys! I have that wonderful book "Living Sober" we have a mtg just reading and discussion on that...guess what someone has offered to temporary sponsor me!!! "Yikes" She was a sponsor of my past. I will give her a go!
Here I go! Please I asked my H.P. to help me..never has he let me down!

louisa · Senior Member

Oh! I am SO happy for you.
YOU are putting in the work, doing your part and your HP is right there with you!
Good for you.....you are doing SO great!
Lots of love
Louisa xx

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

tokengirl wrote:

Your so right! I'am frighten about not having that one person trying to be like everyone else..I've found truly to my heart I don't want a sponsor.

I talk alot to certain people more than others! And sometimes I just grab a prefect stranger in the rooms that I know has time and communicate alot of stuff that way!

Most my friends says I'am cheating myself out of the experience of true relationship with someone. And I can't get the correct feedback cause noones gets to know the true me and my patterns.

Well i just don't believe I want a sponsor, and sometimes I do like when it comes time for my birthday. I joined a step group and most likely will join one again this year. But I could relate the most to your story and thanks for sharing that with me. Keep in touch I sure will need you again on this road of happy destiny!

Sounds like you have intimacy issues. If you want to remain sober and have meaningful relationships, with sponsors and others, you've got to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Getting to know others (and letting them get to know you) in your regular meetings and home group is essential. You joined a 12th step group, that's also essential. I would recommend finding a sponsor in that meeting. Try picking a sponsor for their qualifications rather than personal preference. I'd recommend choosing an old timer (who has time for you). Pick one that you know will make you work, and do what they tell you to do. Remember, your best thinking got you here. Doing it own your own hasn't worked to well. Oh sure you're sober for two years but by your admission, you're not sure how or when you'll pick up again. We only get out what we put into our program. Work harder and you will be rewarded.

I spent 2 years doing it "my way", not engaging the fellowship, picking crappy sponsors or none at all (avoiding one's that would call me on my ****), avoiding 12th step groups and big book groups, and oh yea, maintained most of my old friends outside of AA just in case I wanted to drink and I did. It's time for you time for you to stop standing in the doorway and come all the way into the program.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, .....
At some of these we balked. thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.....

Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now!

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. ...

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

There is something about go to meetings daily and hearing chapter 5 followed by the 9th step promises that helped me get out of being Me.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 5th of January 2010 09:38:45 AM

tokengirl · Veteran Member

Damn St.Pete your so telling the truth!

I do have Intimacy Issues! You know I will take that chance and walk through that door!

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Awesome tokengirl. My dad said that we all put our paints on one leg at a time. It didn't make any sense to me when I was twelve but I get it now. He also said that the most important thing in life is making ourselves do the things that we don't want to do (which is damn near everything lol).

After beating my head against the wall for a couple years and not "getting it" I decided to do everything that I heard people, in meetings, say that they were doing to get and stay sober. It got easier and easier. I woke up one day and realized how stubborn and non conforming that I'd been. Not just about sobriety, but life in general. I'd been suffering from "terminal uniqueness".

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 5th of January 2010 09:30:42 PM

lukin · Veteran Member

Since I knew that sponsorship was pretty important, I went after temporary sponsors right away when I got into the program.
Here was my experience: at one meeting we got to the point where they say 'if you're willing to be a temporary sponsor, please raise your hand', I went up to one woman after the meeting who made it VERY CLEAR to me that this was a TEMPORARY arrangement. I was like, 5 days sober & this woman didn't return my calls- actually didn't even take my calls- and would send me texts after a day or so. Not exactly 'there' for me.
Second time I asked someone, pretty much the exact same thing happened, only without the emphasis on the "temporary" aspect.
I really got down on the program. I thought- well what the heck, man... I can just go to the bar down the street and be rejected, I don't need to BE SOBER, ask for help and have these people basically tell me I got myself into this mess, now get myself out.
Also..I listened to people in meetings who said that sponsors were just "not one of the tools that they used" and people who shared who were 7 years' sober without a sponsor, people who co-sponsor each other (whatever that means), etc etc etc.
I thought, yeah! I can just be one of these cool people who does this on my own. I don't have to ask for help, I don't want to ask for help anyway so I'll just do this my own way.
Then I went out.
I didn't forget the first step, I was just arrogant enough to not really care about it.

Going out/ relapsing/ having my slip- it was just one night, but it taught me a BUNDLE. I am actually very, very grateful that it happened. First because it was possibly the only time in my life that I felt the obsession really, truly kick in. Second because I scared my daughter and saw the real fear & disappointment on her face (she's 12) when I came home, and knew that that fear was something I didn't want to see again, like.. ever... and Third because nothing up until then made me realize that I had to surrender.
That I can't do this without help, that I do need to do it just the way we're told to do it as newbies.
Then I started to speak up in meetings, saying I needed help & a sponsor, I didn't find one immediately, but I definitely got some great advice about meeting with people and maybe not choosing the first person you find. I also started actually calling the people who had given me their numbers at the beginning, having coffee with them, staying late at meetings, all that. Within a week I found someone who I asked to be a temp sponsor, she said she actually doesn't believe in that (temporary) and I've been working with her. I like her, we get along great, I feel accountable, but mainly I feel like it doesn't have to be as "white knuckled" as it was at the very very beginning. Today seems lighter, a little easier even, knowing that there is someone I can call when I'm in a bind.

Just for me- this is only my experience- I know if I had not been so scared to find a sponsor at the beginning & didn't fear rejection that I probably wouldn't have relapsed. Yeah, it all happens for a reason, but I'm grateful for my sponsor. So grateful.
In fact I should probably call her now :)

Good luck!!

tokengirl · Veteran Member

Thanks Lukin aww ! You're right and my very first time in A.A it was very much the same. I have regained a sponsor now that I had forgetten about very early on in my recovery. And she was very attentive to my needs, and I respected her and still do! I know that feeling again of now knowing I can call someone and be me without strings attached. I'am grateful to be redoing my steps and happy to be a women in recovery!