there was an aa...all sober new yrs eve party...i figured...well ill go. not like i have a ton of plans any how.....let me back up to ten am this morning. i woke up and immedietly remembered what day it was and broke into tears....every one says "oh its just another day"....but to a pathetic alcoholic like me...today is like my birthday and im not getting any presents.... i made a few calls....calmed myself down and realized that if i could make it thru thanksgiving and xmas that i could make it thru ne yrs too....and i WILL DAMMIT!!!! but its fuckin hard as shit....all day today and for the past few days leading up to it...i have had this mounting obsession for liquor. i went thru my first how ever many day with out any cravings at all and now all i want and all i can think about is getting drunk. thats how sick this disease is.
so i went to this aa thing tonight and i made it a half hour cuz i didnt wanna hear someone else talk about her life with alcohol....and maybe thats fucked up....but i went to the bathroom abd broke down. about ten mins later i just cleaned my face off...got my jacket and left....i couldnt sit thru it....it was supossed to last till 1 am like a real party witha dj and catering and all that. but id rather be home alone than listen to people discuss alcohol tonight.....
Hi Meg, it's a process not an event, getting sober that is. We have to walk the walk and that means listening to others talk the talk. We all begin at the beginning and it's awkward at first. What makes it easier is making friends in the program. If you had a friend or two that was going to this thing tonight you'd likely feel a lot different about it. Do you have any phone numbers of people in AA that you can call to talk about how you feel?
So sorry you are struggling tonight. It does get better but you are right it SUCKS! till it does. Can you do some online chats or meetings tonight? That usually helps me some. I will be thinking of you and I hope you will feel better real soon.
Hope you are feeling better by now Meg. It takes some time to accept that N-Years eve is just another night for recovering alchololics.
I went to some sober NYE events my first couple years sober, but they seemed kind of silly to me for some reason.
My neighbors across the street are drinkers and they are yelling and acting like 2 year olds right now, it's kind of funny.
Today I try to remember all the New Years days I spent with my family, I was hung-over all day and couldn't eat, it was hard to even lay around and watch football without geting a headache.
I'm grateful those days are over.
Happy New Years to everyone!
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Hey Meg! Your right its a continuous uphill journey,but well worth it.If you can find people in recovery or who are not using to hang with focus on the drug can be lifted....My first couple years were difficult as I had to cope with finding 'NEW PEOPLE .PLACES AND THINGS TO PUT INTO MY LIFE and all my 'friends" were using...I went out of my way to find activities I didnt think I would ever do(martial arts,running, weight lifting,still played in bands,and a church fellowship.Wasnt easy and was weird being around "straight" people but it got me out of my 'own head" a dangerous place for an addict...Projection and thoughts of"man I can never drink again or party or destined to be with weird people etc can make us crazy,try and stay in the day,which will turn to weeks ,months and years!Keep showing up at meetings,get a sponsor and "work the spiritual principles " of the fellowship,the key to our recovery.It must start with putting down the drug first!!Continue to let us know how you are doing,Happy New Year,,you can do it,but you must want it!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Hang in there Meg. There was was a big sober dance with my fellowship too. I didn't want to go. Somehow, a bunch of men and disco music sounded a little clubby to me and I figured it would not be my thing. This was my 2nd New Years sober. It does get better. It was calm and nothing so so special. That was fine with me.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
When you stop running away so that no-one can see you cry will be the time you will start to find and understand recovery. Your post sounds very much like my first experience of a weekend convention, when I just burst into floods of tears - didn't even see it coming, I just broke down within seconds of opening my mouth to share how much life SUCKS!!!
It was the best thing I could have done, because the love and support I got from those strangers in that meeting room was my first step towards recovery. I am coming up on 20 years sober, but when I get life problems and have trouble dealing with them, I quite often cry in meetings. BECAUSE - I was given some good advice in early days, 'Never be afraid to show your emotions, if you bottle things up, you will drink it'. Also, when my homegroup members know I am going through crap, they step up to the plate and stay in close contact with me.
Most of the time nowadays, my tears come from a big dollop of gratitude, and when I cry today, it's my gratitude which is choking me. I can just imagine how you feel reading this post which if I'd heard this in very early days when life sucks and nothing seems worthwhile, I felt like puking on my frigging shoes, what I am trying to say is - let people know you are suffering - they will know anyway, we can see it in the body language, but no-one will force themselves upon you, but if you just let your barriers down and let people see the real you, the recovery will soon follow.
TRUST ME - I'm an alcoholic.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
It was my first sober New Year's too Meg, and it was wicked rough. I don't usually have the desire to drink, but it was there and fairly strong throughout the entire night. I spoke at a meeting, which kept me in check, and hung out with my sober friends. I think more than anything it was just painful to think about where I was a year ago and compare it to where I am now. As painful as it was though, and although I'm feeling pretty depressed, I got through it sober. I hope you did too.
My first sober New Years also. It was difficult but I lived through it and I feel a hell of a lot better this morning than I ever have on New Years morning before. I just left a meeting were some of them were still sleeping on the couch. Whatever works to keep us sober right? Happy Sober New Year everyone!!!
We are all so understanding and kind and sometimes I wonder if that's the way to go! Meg - I am so glad you are sober and I am so glad you got thhrough thanksgiving and christmas and went out on New Years. Sometimes not wanting to be somewhere is when you really need to be there. Torture, AA pysco babble, redneck "get er dun" mentrality. Yup - stop drop and roll - when you are in the middle of a fire, burning with the desire to leave an AA function, not wanting to listen to people talk about alcohol, isolating and obssessing for days. Whoa You were right where you needed to be - not wanted to be but needed to be.
I have been in and out of this program for years - happily (for the most part) sober for the last 3.5 years. Had a slip that turned into a lifestyle after 10 years of sobriety and didn't get back to AA for 15 years. Imagine the damage - ya imagine...
This past year I lost my partner not only the love of my life for (I met him sober) but my piano player and the best musician I ever worked with, my Mom (who was so happy I was finally sober, she would never have a beer in front of me and she was a normie) my son, my dog, moved across Western Canada twice and just went threw Christmas and New Years without my group, friends in AA or anyone. Did I become obssesive about drinking - as a matter of fact - yes - did I think it would ever happen again - NO - What did I do??? I got out the big book and read about the disease of alcoholism and how to treat it. I stood out in the snow and called people on my cell phone because I am in an area where cell reception sucks. Did I go to any lenghth - I'm thinkin' I did as I am talking to another alcoholic.
Do I sound like I don't care about you - like it's all about me - like I'm mean and hard - probably a little but the bottom line is I DO CARE - sobriety is hard sometimes, death is final and life sucks when your too drunk to live it. Get to a meeting call your sponsor or get one. Go for a Walk - thank god you woke up without a hangover. Remember we all care - its up to you to want it bad enough to make it work
thank u alllll so much for ur support...thats why i am eternally grateful for aa and what i've found in the fellowship. its like the warmth and "attention" and need to fit in i craved for so many years in the bars abd never found....i found immediately with my home group. and now that ive found this online discussion board its like double the support. its wonderful. thank u so much. today's meeting was so much better and so much easier. waking up this morning was like a breath of fresh air. sober...in a brand new yr......i did get discouraged for a lil bit when an old "friend" sent me a picture text of his nice cold Heineken he was enjoying last night....wtf! in his defense i dont really know if he knew i am in recovery...but on page 416 of the big book...i read it every morning...acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.....
-- Edited by blessdmegz on Friday 1st of January 2010 09:12:20 PM
WTG!!!!! Good for you Meg! You were on my mind last night and I'm so glad you didn't let the feelings get cha! So glad you hung in there. AND! thanks for the reminder about that page in the BB haven't read it daily for many years and think I'll start again. Have a wonderful New-Year and KCB!
