So I'm getting the clue that while others in my life enjoy the benefits of my recovery, they would rather it not come with a new philosophy, particuliarly where parenting is involved.
My son is eleven and when he comes upon difficult situations I want to help him the best I can. Prior to The Program, that would often consist of parables or lectures from my own perspective of experience, weakness and despair. Now, I try to convey the power of acceptance and try to teach him the ability to take a moral inventory and first ascertain whether he has in fact done something spawned by a character defect, or if it is his reaction to another's actions that has brought him to this place. I ask him if he can he utilize wisdom to know the difference between things he can only serenely accept and that which must be couragiously changed. I tell him that he can't control other people, but he is responsible only for his actions and reactions; right or wrong.
I have responded in this way to other family members and what I get back is "that sounds like AA crap and it doesn't apply to me."
Fine. I can accept that you don't want my advice, even though you asked for it, or in my son's case, it's my duty to give it.
But it hurts. A lot. I'm not coming at them like a born-again with a handful of tracts begging them to be saved. I'm giving them the healthy way of life that brought their father/inlaw/husband out of the darkness.
I feel rejected and ostracized from my real family and only at home with my AA family.
People here on this Board, many many of us, live in peaceful place with the Program being "our Precious Gift". and live with spouses that are not in the Program, and dont need to be in a Program, and Alanon is always great, but always still just optional.
And what caught my eye and fast were your "very hurt feelings" and as you probably know my dear brother, that can easily turn in a New York Minute into a Resentment.
I would get my Sponsor on the Phone, ASAP, and whatever else you need to do with this feeling of being sort of ostrasized.
Perspective also helps...Remember when you also uttered those words or thoughts and what it was like then? God I do and then I came to understand...Write the resentment out on a piece of paper clearly and then go outside an torch it...that's called a burning resentment or you can go get a shove and put them in a hole and that is call "burying a resentment" both work...next go kill your ego and crush your pride. It isn't about you. You're doing great. The program is working for you and that is as it's supposed to be.
God did you bring some memories to life for me!! ((((((hugs)))))
The perspective people in AA have is very healthy-- almost to the point of being intimidating. Until I went to a meeting and talked with friends about it in more detailed, I was scared of it. My guess is that's what your family is feeling... maybe even a little insecure at your insight. I hope you see past their negative feedback and know you are bringing a gift to them and everyone around you.
"Aqua, this probably isn't what you're supposed to say here, but...I don't blame them for rejecting you. For rejecting me. We're obnoxious in our weakness. People have to pick up for us. Make excuses for us. It's expensive, annoying and generally burdensome as shit."
What I'm going to post, instead, is this: You really think AA can help? It helped you, right?
Hey AM, F@#k them. (In a non resentful way) You are right and they are wrong. One of the things you get with sobriety is integrity. Just keep on keepin on. You can not run from the truth, and you are passing on the truth. Let them think what they think and then SHOW them the way through your actions in life based on this program. Hang in there bro! Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Sunday 27th of December 2009 12:21:56 AM
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
You're passing on a positive, loving & healthy message, Rob. It will take time for the family to get used to your new ways but if you're consistant they will in time even if they don't agree they may well come to respect. I've noticed so much growth in my own family & I have faith that God is at work with them too. It seems especially even these days that we've all been synchronising in our own ways & catching each other up.
You're still new in & I'm sure you'll find this true for you in the future too. Stay gentle & loving in your words. I'm sure you'll continue to give a good message without necessarily coming across like you learned it in AA. We are being taught truisms in life after all. Keep on keeping on, Rob. It keeps on getting better. Keep your faith & forgive where you might resent. It will quell the hurt & insanity. I am proud of you. Recovery love, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
hello friend....im no 'expert'...have trouble sorting my own shit out at times too....one thing i learned....other ppl dont "make" me angry....i make myself angry.....my attitude, perspective, expectation.....and what i just said is alot easier to say than apply....i struggle with this like everyone else.....the good thing is....i now have a few tools to see me thru it....and some insight into it so i can hopefully advert getting stuck in it too long.....ive often said....the communication in program is so much easier than ppl without a program....there is a certain respect in the program missing in other places at times.....that's when i sometimes have to take a "higher" road.....and not take other ppl's stuff personally to me....before i was ready.....this program stuff....woulda been met with alot of resistance.....maybe we plant a seed sometimes....even if we dont know it or may never know what it may grow into in someone's life in the future.....the bigger picture....that perspective helps me stay outa being angry so much....remember too....feels are not facts....they are feelings.....hope this helps.......
Did not answer this one right away--wanted to reread and see what others had to say first.
Now my turn--From what I read you are having trouble with an 11 year old who thinks he is grown up. You on the other hand are sort of pushing AA down on him. It is okay to use various statements of AA--but he has no understanding of them.
Moral Inventory--he has not lived long enough or endured things like you/we have.
Character Defects--yes, he probably has some but that needs to be challenged a different way--as to right and wrong and why.
Maybe Alanon material for Young Teens would be in order for him. It will help him understand what you are going through. And hopefully he will not follow in the same path.
Our meeting topic the other night was about expectations. I have to realize that many other people are sick in their own way, and accept that I can't really do anything to change that (isn't that what our serenity prayer helps us do?). Almost always when I find myself getting upset, it's because the expectations I placed on other persons or situations weren't met, and I start losing my serenity because things didn't "go my way". When I learn to lower my expectations things tend to come back into perspective, and I gain back the serenity that's so precious to me today. I too am guilty of trying to help others using the steps and principles of AA and get frustrated when it doesn't work~especially on another AA member. Then I usually stop and think "maybe I'm doing this for selfish reasons (in my kids sake I want then to behave more) and that's self getting in the way. For me today, I'm more concerned in learning to practice the AA principles in all my affairs on a daily basis. Maybe if I had years and years of sobriety and people had a little proof that it works I would be more successful. but as was stated earlier, my many years of drinking made skeptics out of those who were around me the most. I can't (nor do I) expect everything to change over night, although the happiness and serenity I have today feels like it happened over night. I truly wish that the principles of AA would be practiced by everyone who need them, but I accetp that it will never happen. As long as I have the power to change myself, I can still live a happy, joyous, and free life. Brian
Rob, in order to get this 1st year down, I lived and still do live to a certain extent within the bubble of AA. I basically ate, slept, and crapped AA for a year. I do not have a family in the manner that you do (no wife and kids), but what you are doing is saving your butt. It will extend to the rest of your life because you are making some drastically needed changes within yourself and everyone else is adjusting to the "new Rob." Yeah, they are gonna see you as being brainwashed in a way. It's okay, you need to be this active in AA to keep your sobriety. Over time, you will gain greater acceptance over things you cannot control, which is your family members. I think what you are doing with your son is great, but just remember, you are his dad and not his sponsor. I work in a juvenile detention facility and one of the reasons the kids are in there is because they had no father or parental influence to teach them right from wrong. Right now, your parenting is being influenced heavily by AA because AA is what is saving you. You are doing the best you can and you know that. Only other alcoholics in AA can really understand what you are going through and that is a gift. I hear you being an active father, caring more, and changing your philosophies in life. They say when you come into AA what needs changing and the answer is "everything." Your family was not expecting this, though it's clear to me that this is what is going on and the changes are exactly what is called for. Does this book not say what really gets our sobriety going is a psychic shift (more or less a personality overhaul)? It is okay, don't be afraid and things will balance out as you get more comfortable with just being Sober Rob and settle into your program. Hurt feelings suck, but you need to dig deep and recognize what you are doing for you which is a miracle. The kids in the jail I work in would not be there if they had a father to teach them and love them. You are doing this for primarily for you but also for him. Over time, the lessons you want to impart will seem less from AA and more a part of you because you will instinctively know how to tailor them towards others not in the program. I went through some of this too. When you find something so wonderful that helps you so much, the desire is to share it with everyone in your life. It is natural. It's just a change that will take time to adjust to. It might not hurt to let family know that part of what seems like "AA dogma" to them is due to you being in early sobriety and grasping the program to save your own life. They need to be tolerant of this and you can clean your side of the street by explaining why these changes are occurring for you. You don't need to apologize, but I might explain in the form of "I am working a strict program of AA, it is changing me for the better and I know this is hard for everyone. It's still early on and I'm adjusting and becoming a better person. Please support this and be patient with me as I will try to be with all of you." Whether that works or not, I dunno. I hope it does.
Love,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Well we all have our own way of thinking on how to incorporate the new way of life that AA brings, when working diligently on the 12 Steps of Recovery.
Perhaps it was my own history of making promises after promises, to my husband and children that lived in California, and braking each and everyone one with going back to drinking, time and time again pushing in on ten years.
So when the time came that, that almost over my own dead body, I looked to God, and God led me directly back to AA, and the swinging door just stopped swinging.
All of the rhetoric and philosophy of a Program for Living Life on Lifes terms finally sinking into my brain, only with HIS Help, that I was working so so so hard on just not going back to drinking.
The other members of my family did not have a problem with living life on lifes terms, I did.
I watched the skeptical eyes of friends and family finally turn into have a new found outlook of trust and optimism this time was different.
I invited and many times family members would attend an open meeting with me, they enjoyed going a few times.My own sister really enjoyed it, (she thought a lot of men were hunks,Haha, a story for another time.)
But I have to say with all honesty I really enjoyed keeping the workings of the Steps, with the exception of the Amends of course, I preferred keeping the dynamics of Program private, was very protective of it as a matter of fact, I did not want any criticizing of the Program that saved my life, and felt sure that it would fall under criticism.So different strokes for different folks.
If anyone ever reached out to me, in my family for help with any addiction,I would be there, that goes for anytime.
Feel that I am really the odd man out here, so to speak, and that is ok too.
You know, many moons ago I was married to an active alcoholic who eventually found recovery in the rooms of AA. (lol...back then, booze wasnt my drug of choice, he was) Anyhow, I used to get pretty ticked when he spouted his "AA crap" around the house and tried to use it on me and the kids. My thoughts then...."How dare he! He's the sick one so who does he think he is trying to insert HIS program of recovery into some area of MY life that he doesnt approve of?! I thought he was supposed to focus on his own recovery and keep his nose out of my behaviour."
Nope...not very healthy or supportive....just telling you where my head was at as a family member. I had been the "healthy" parent while he was off boozing and I was none too ready to give up my title as the "good one." I was more than a little resentful that alcoholism was reffered to as a family disease as I felt more like a person who had been taken hostage. I had king sized resentments at his whole new language, circle of friends and people who actually laughed at "seemingly tragic situations" (we do that you know. Ever been in a meeting where the guy says "I dont know what happened but I went for a loaf of bread and came back a month later. And we all laugh because we can relate. ) Ever been in an open meeting where we are all laughing at one of those tragic remember when's and catch a glimpse of a family member who is not an alcoholic? They are easy to recognize......they are the ones looking horrified that we are all laughing at such attrocities. Dont we realize we hurt others? How can we laugh at such things?
Sometimes I think that unless one belongs to a 12 step program like AA or Al-Anon, family members will be resentful of the "AA crap". First booze took us away from them, now AA has filled the void. I dunno....but Im climbing off my soap box now cuz Im rambling ............
Thanks for all or your Experience, Strength & Hope.
Ya know, this first year I feel so...vulnerable and unstable. Some days I'm On-Top-O-The-World, other days I just want to keep driving until I hit an ocean and other days I want off this ride.
I guess where I'm at with the "AA crap" that I rely upon is that all the other moral belief systems that came before it in my life didn't work out so well. Religion; too many holes in it and too many atrocities in it's name. Military service; good for getting a job done and instilling integrity & honor, but at the end of the day it's all about killing. Intellectualization; open doors for rationalizing anything.
So now I have AA, and a responsibility to raise kids with moral guidelines. So I guess it's only natural that I turn to the moral miracle of AA when I need to provide moral guidance to others.
I will take what ya'll have said and I'll try to do a better job of sticking to the basics; right & wrong. I will also set a better example in my sobriety. Every day of sobriety is a Step 9 amends to them for being a drunken douchebag instead of a real father.
