At another holiday party tonight. The host is a friend of ours and was trying to be kind... Gave my husband a really good beer and handed me a glass of a good red wine. I held on to it for while, then set it down on a table. Watched it the rest of the night, passed through the room and made sure it was still there, thought about it as we walked out to the car. It's still there I bet. Funny how people presume you want to drink. I'm not sure I can make my 30 days... Now that it's been 10 days, the worries and problems I remember don't seem so bad. Why am I doing this during the holidays??? DUMB!
I'm on day 5 and the only thing that I can do to keep from getting drunk is go to a meeting, call an alcoholic, and stop and "run the tape all the way through"- meaning I have to think about not just that first drink, the one that is nice and warm and calming, but think the scenario through till its end: blackout/hangover/remorse/etc...That is what I have been doing and that is all this alcoholic can do. You can do this, just stay in contact with another alcoholic (via phone or face2face). The internet fellowship alone doesn't keep people from drinking (at least in my experience)
BTW- congrats on leaving alone the wine! I put myself in a STUPID situation tonight where I could have gotten high which would have led me to a drink no doubt. Instead I just got up told the guy I was leaving and went straight to a meeting. The topic of that meeting? First Step. lol
Yes, I need to remember to run the tape right through also, for me there was drinking and fun, then drinking with consequences and finally just the consequences,
good job RG and Dods. Runnergirl do you think that "non-alcoholics" obsess about a full drink sitting on a table? I remember, in early sobriety, in a restaurant watching people get up to leave and there would be a pitcher of beer 2/3 full and a half full margarita. I was thinking "what a waste" and "how the hell do you walk away from all that booze". It's funny I still see and think that ocassonionally and now I have no desire to drink it, I'm just thinking about the wasted money. Proof that I'm still alcoholic after all this time. You're in the right place.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 21st of December 2009 05:53:19 AM
Thanks for the responses... Dean, I had a moment like the one you mention below recently. My friend left 1/2 of her martini on the bar... I didn't get it. Funny thing is, I always thought she was the one with the problem.
Not doing too well today. Thinking of a lot of "crafty" ways to get some beer in me. It's in the fridge but would be noticed if any were missing. Thinking I could accidently "break" a bottle or two. What a loser. I'm home with my WONDERFUL kids and this is the shit I think of.
It's not a moral issue. You're not a "loser" because you desire to feel good. The insane part is the alcohol becomes a problem not a solution for us and that is why we are all here. Alcohol is cunning, baffling, powerful.
Would you really enjoy just one or two beers anyways? Usually when I'm in that situation where I could possibly just have a couple to ease the craving, I either end up drinking all of it and get drunk, or I just don't enjoy it because I crave more. One or two drinks is not better than 10+ days sober that you have fought for.
You ought to get the phone # of an alcoholic sooner rather than later...
runnergirl you're not a loser. that's just the way that we think. You really need to have you husband take his beer out of the fridge if you're going to make this 30 commitment. He should comply as he wants you to make it. I had a wife that refused to not drink in the house. She said it was my problem. Well 2 years later I still wasn't getting sober so I asked her to leave. Been sober ever since. Not suggesting that you do this just saying that he should help you by not keeping it in the house. This time of year he can keep it in his trunk and it'll stay cold lol.
Great share RG and DW...Just a reminder we suffer from a lifelong, incurable, life threatening disease that if not arrested by total abstinence will not make us look dumb only dead. You're not dumb and you're not a loser. Talk like that would have me going back to that house hoping that they hadn't cleaned off the table yet. I also use to have similar thoughts about people who left unfinished drinks around and I also use to be grateful for it because is was "more for me". We can only ever do sobriety one day at a time. How bad do I want it and how bad to I want to keep it? Today I will go after any solution that will help me hold on to my sobriety one more day. Keep coming back and follow this program of suggestions. In support
I, too had to dump the booze at home, it just was not feasible for me to stay sober with it there, also had to lay off the socialising for a bit, now its not so difficult
My first sober Christmas, my sponsor reminded me "that if I go into the barbershop.....eventually Im going to come out with a haircut". I had to get serious about preventing a relapse of my disease......and it IS a disease, so it means you are sick, not dumb or stupid. I put pen to paper and started to list all the situations where I might be tempted to drink, where I thought about drinking, where others were drinking and situations and places that made me "uncomfortable". You see, drinking is only a symptom of my real problem. My real problem is living. I might as well say "Im Julie and I have a living problem that I tried to fix with booze." Booze was a solution for me for a very long time and then it quit working. So now what? Take away the booze and Im ledft with my living problem AND an extreme form of fear and discomfort. Without a NEW solution (the program of recovery) it wuld only be a matter of time before I drank again........I can only live with my feelings of discomfort and shame and stupidity for so long....then I have to escape them. The only escape I knew was to put a substance in my body that would act as an anesthetic. Thank GOD there is a solution. Please pick up the big book and read that chapter..."There is a Solution" Blessings and Peace.
When my mind goes to such places, I repeat over and over like a mantra, the eventual conclusion of the first step... because I know, believe, and accept I am an alcoholic. Because.... I am an alcoholic. An alcohlic and all that that means and entails. If it's still not sinking in, I need to get to a room where I say it out loud in front of other alcoholics, "Hi I'm Angela, I'm an alcoholic!"
Unfortuneately you are so fixed on this 30 day deal that now you've got me wondering what are ya gonna do when the 30 days is up ??
Please give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself ... calling yourself a loser and dumb. We are not any of those. We have an illness or sickness as our literature describes.
I did best when I kept the focus on me and staying away from the first drink. I didnt bother with others' drinking habits or behaviors.
I attended AA meetings on a regular basis and secured a sponsor that guided me thru the steps that allowed me to find/rely on a God of my understanding who now keeps me sober on a daily basis ... contigent on the maintainence of my spiritual condition of course.
Early in sobriety I was unable to attend Holiday parties for it was suggested to me to stay away from those types of events. I took the suggestions and stayed sober. I was very shakey early on and didnt want to jeopardize what few days/weeks I had accumulated.
Have faith in yourself, work the AA program , pray and dont take the first drink
Funny how people presume you want to drink. I'm not sure I can make my 30 days...
UNLESS you are upfront and honest with people, especially at this time of year and in a drinking situation, people WILL assume you want to drink. It bothers me that you didn't just simply say, 'NO, thank you' which, if you feel it necessary, can be followed by 'I'm driving...., I am on medication which I cannot drink on....I am trying to lose some weight.....' or any number of reasons why I don't want to drink, though nowadays, I just simply say, 'No thanks, coffee or soda will be fine if there's any going' and if not, a glass of iced water is a great thirst quencher.
The fact you're holding onto the drink just so people won't think you're not drinking is VERY dangerous gameplay love. Kinda like leaving the door open for when the time comes that you DO want to drink, so people won't be surprised when you're pissed again.
I dunno if I will make the next 30 days sober, but I do know that I WILL make it to midnight tonight, IF I am honest and open with people about why I am not drinking, and stay in touch with AA either by meetings, phone or online.
My experience of very early sobriety tells me NOT TO spend much time in drinking situations, especially around this time of year, 'cos some folk reckon it's a hoot to mix a drink for someone, just to see what they do when they are pissed. I also never have booze in my home, although I have bought quite a bit of it recently (gifts for other people who can enjoy a couple of drinks in front of the TV without getting arrested or fighting with somebody) As a drinker, I used to buy Christmas drink 'For the visitors who like to be offered a drink' WHAT visitors? My house hadn't seen any visitors for YEARS, but I STILL kept up the pretence of it.
Funny, since getting sober, if I throw a party, I wouldn't dream of buying 'cigarettes/chocolate/a few joints....' just in case a visitor wanted some. Stop trying to fool yourself my friend, I would far rather NOT attend a party (they really aren't compulsory, even at Christmas) than drink something which, to me, is POISON!!
__________________
Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Avril G wrote: The fact you're holding onto the drink just so people won't think you're not drinking is VERY dangerous gameplay love. Kinda like leaving the door open for when the time comes that you DO want to drink, so people won't be surprised when you're pissed again.
Avril- By "pissed" you mean drunk, right? If so, I guess you nailed it on the head. I'm a mess... I so don't want to make a long term commitment on this, and I'm fearing I might need to. I really want to drink to deal with stress right now it makes me want to cry. I'm planning to head to a meeting with a friend tomorrow... hopefully it will help.
Unfortuneately you are so fixed on this 30 day deal that now you've got me wondering what are ya gonna do when the 30 days is up ??
Lori-
Good question. My hope was that I'd have no problems with this and I'd feel comfortable drinking again. Not sure that will be the case which is terrifying.
Unfortuneately you are so fixed on this 30 day deal that now you've got me wondering what are ya gonna do when the 30 days is up ??
Lori-
Good question. My hope was that I'd have no problems with this and I'd feel comfortable drinking again. Not sure that will be the case which is terrifying.
Runnergirl, how are you "not sure" when you're having problems with this 30 day deal? That just doesn't compute, except that you're trying to prove to those around you that you don't have a drinking problem so that you can continue to drink. We have a saying here- "The alcoholic is that last person to know" meaning that those around us know about our drinking problem fully while we delude ourselves in denial and somehow we think that we've been doing a good job of hiding it from them. The spouses of alcoholics attention to their drinking intensifies to the point of counting the number of their drinks, going through the trash to find empty containers, smelling their breath, checking credit card, bank statements, and store receipts.... This begins to make the spouse ill with worry and concern as they try and control the alcoholic, which is classified as a disease (Codependency). Alcoholism, in a parent, also greatly affects children due to the erratic nature of the alcoholic parent with their ups and downs, highs lows, passed out, hung over periods. Alcoholic parents tend to be controlling and perfectionistic and brow beat their kids. I know a lot about this having two alcoholics for parents. Think hard during you moments of clarity, these 30 days.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 23rd of December 2009 08:12:24 AM
Lori, fighting alcoholism never will bring about recovery - we have to SURRENDER to win, which I know sounds like total bullshit to you right now, as it did to ME in early days, but once I threw in the towel and surrendered, things (life) began to get better.
All the problems were still there, like bills needing to be paid and all the other problems I came into recovery with, but this time I could ask someone for help. I was accompanied by an AA member when I went to the bankruptcy court hearing. I was taken to solicitors to sort out other aspects of my life, and I was helped by the girl who eventually become my sponsor, to open ALL the brown envelopes containing threatening letters, unless I coughed up what I owed them.
The Citizens Advice Bureau helped me tremendously, and I had never heard of them, until I started asking for help in AA. The help is there, but if you don't ASK us for help, or tell us what your problems are - how can we help you?
(BTW, yes pissed DOES mean drunk, I forget it means something else in US)
__________________
Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
you are no different than any of us. You did well. just remember, no one out there who is a normal drinker ever gives it a second thought. Keep up the good work. pray and ask god for help and guidance. pray for his will to be done. Early in my soberiety i INTENTIONALLY AVOIDED people, places and things where alcohol was involved.
