Aloha AA fellows and fellowettes...The consequence of practice in new found or in this case old found knowledge and awareness which is so supportive to ones recovery from the disease and its effects. I remember in early program reading from inside the ODAAT daily reader the wisdom of Dr. Harry Tiebout which was so instrumental of putting my denial system to rest. I re-established the search for old and new support because that system recently came alive again and was causing me concern.
Here are the words of Dr. Tiebout as I located them on the internet. Obviously they were so very profound that they have been archived and available for me again. They were jogging my memory and now I have found a gem helpful in explaining denial.
One fact must be kept in mind, namely, the need to distinguish between submission and surrender . In submission, an individual accepts reality consciously, but not unconsciously. He or she accepts as a practical fact that he or she cannot at that moment lick reality, but lurking in the unconscious is the feeling, there'll come a day , which implies no real acceptance and demonstrates conclusively that the struggle is still on. With submission, which at best is a superficial yielding, tension continues.
I suggest that these words are important to me and might be for anyone here also.
Yes, I laughed aloud in recognition when I read this. Thank you, Jerry. I have had the river of denial lapping closer & closer in my consciousness & I have barely been able to fend it off because I've been agreeing with all the seductive lies it's been telling me, appealing to my defects with. I didn't realise it was 'DENIAL' itself coming up at me. Of course, it wouldn't introduce itself that way but it was trying so very hard to win favour.
So much so I was beginning to doubt my defences against the first drink & began to suspect I might be becoming susceptible to that mental blank spot where all of a sudden I could be there glass-in-hand wondering how the hell did that happen & it was my denial rising & getting more powerful by the week, day, hour, minute, by the continuing now. It has been at me from every which way. It knows where ALL my weaknesses are & it tries to weedle in like a psychic attack, softly, softly, slowly, slowly, sneaky, sneaky, now blatant, now nearly there, now hiding & coming round the back again. It has been relentless in its very own masterful cunning way.
I can believe now how it might try its way in with me now, three years after putting it down. It is like a lover scorned & wanting to win approval. So very wierd I can tell you but, seeing it here in simple speak I can understand its nature & where it got its foothold. My surrender had become a 'repressed & resentful' submission & I won't have it any more. I went to Coda tonight & shared all my fears around recovery & losing my faith, crying & crying throughout. I didn't know it as denial right then but later on with some peaceful time with Carl I talked again after noticing some more resentments & sadnesses & then spotted it all as my very own denial.
It was like a renewed awakening & those lapping riverbank waves receded as my heart conceded, accepted & surrendered again. It has been a battle of my ego & my soul. I'm glad I know which one to keep just for today. My Gosh, I hope this is over just for today. I'm glad I've been sharing about it in meetings but I know I needed to share it here too. Thank you for sharing in your battle with it here too, Jerry. I am glad & grateful I'm not alone in this. I haven't struggled with denial since early doors. Of course with it being a progressive illness, it had gained some strength whilst I had made progress too.
I do want this life. It is the best one I have & I am prepared to do whatever it takes to stay sober, surrendered & present just for today. I don't want my past to be my future again. Thanks for sharing this. God bless my brothers & sisters, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
