I go to about 3 meetings per week. My sponser says I need to go to at least 5-6 at least in order to remain his sponsee. I'm starting to cop a little resentment at that because i'm starting to get the feeling that nothing I ever do is going to be good enough in his eyes. I've been sober since August 08 and while I know that a lot of people go to many more meetings than I do, but I feel like i have a good program that has balance in other areas than just going to a meeting.
Am I being unreasonable to feel this way about my Sponser?
How I would read into what your Sponsor said regarding 5-6 meetings a week, if you can look at it from a different point of view... it just sounds to me like sponsoring is something that he takes very seriously, and he simply has his own guidelines.
I have personally sponsored so many woman and i did take it very seriously too, of course, that is a given, but I had to really learn that one, having my own conditions...and that only came about by the woman that I Sponsored, had to get rid of my own Co-dependancy (too friendly and not enough sticking to the Steps) I would try but easily get sidetracked, UNTIL I learned how to set up my conditions, and before agreeing to Sponsor anyone, I have a set of questions I ask them, and one of the major questions, are you willing to go to any lengths, and that includes staying close to the work on the Step we are on, and are you willing to go to as many meetings as possible, with working a job, or having a very busy schedule with school, or whatever.....
It is so very dissapointing when someone leaves the Program and goes back to drinking, it has always made me feel - if I had done more, been there more, or whatever. I take it as a very personal thing, and huge dissapointment.
Try and see it from the amount of energy that was put into your drinking, and if you are anything like me, I personally put a tremendous amount of energy into my drinking.....
So when a person that is Sponsoring has set up some guidelines for himself, that in my mind is a very good thing.
Absolutely nothing for you to resent about that....He is your guide through the 12 Steps, and those Steps are what will save your life.....
Hope that this response made some sense....
Hugs to you, and so happy for you that you are on your Recovery from Alcoholism, a very cunning, baffling and oh so powerful disease.
Sean, What does the rest of your program look like? Have you found a HP, done the steps, practice the steps on a daily basis, talk to your sponsor on a regular basis, service work, fellowship or sponsor new folks? Each individual has to find a balance but sobriety has to be first in my opinion. I've put sobriety secondary to other things in the past and ended up drinking again. Not good...
Well, here's what comes to mind for me when I read your post........I may be way off base, so take what you like and leave the rest. Your disease is doing push-ups. There could be many reasons he wants you to attend more meetings. Maybe he see's something in you that you dont see. Maybe he feels that you have something to offer to the struggling newcomer and need to practice "giving it away". Have you told him of your budding resentment? Its important that you do. Dont let it fester and dont keep it to yourself or simply talk on the internet about it. Cll him and tell him what you've told us and see what happens. Ask questions. Ask him to love you enough and value your sobriety enough to tell the truth about what he sees. Peace
"i'm starting to get the feeling that nothing I ever do is going to be good enough in his eyes"
I have soooo been there about 3-4 times with the same sponsor in the past 2 years. Each time I went back out and then came back, his "conditions" were either the same because I didn't do them the first time or they were more involved because whatever we were doing wasn't working. 99.9% of it was me not willing to do it. I had about 100 days sober and going to maybe 2 meetings a week. He said the same thing to me: hit at least 4-5 a week or.....(I went back out shortly after because I thought since I had been working up through step 7 that my program was just fine...After 100+ days I thought I didn't need many meetings..LOL)
Hello Sean ( Would recomend the Pamphlet questions & answers on sponorship)
''Must the newcomer agree with everything the sponcer says ?
If the sponcer's ideas sound strange or unclear ,the newcomer had better speak up and ask questions. Theirs is supposed to be an easy, open relationship ,in which both parties talk freely and honestly with each other .
The AA program is simple, but it didn't seem that way to many of us at first .Often ,we learned by asking questions ,at close meetings or -most especially- in conversations with our sponcers. (From the Pamphlet Questions &answers on Sponsorship )))
I can Relate to what Toni shared ,,i have over the years learned to not take it to personal ,,i have had my heart broken more than once ,,,,i no that i cant get anybody sober ,,I do the best i can i do belive it is between The person and there HP .
And if you dont have a Resentment from your sponcer ..he or she is not doing there job ,,lol
Sean, What does the rest of your program look like? Have you found a HP, done the steps, practice the steps on a daily basis, talk to your sponsor on a regular basis, service work, fellowship or sponsor new folks? Each individual has to find a balance but sobriety has to be first in my opinion. I've put sobriety secondary to other things in the past and ended up drinking again. Not good...
What Mike said, you're not giving us enough to go on here. Peresonally I didn't miss a daily meeting for the first 3.5 years and I also attended NA, Coda, and Acoa meetings in addition. It paid off and I considered myself to be pretty darn healthy at 4,5 years (over 20 now) clean, sober, and without dysfunctional realtionships. Your sponsor may be right that you need to get to more meetings, but I don't know if I'd agree with the way that he's communicating. Some people would do well with that style of sponsorship and others not so much. I wouldn't recommend firing your sponsor, especially before finding another but I do believe that you can set some boundaries with him about threatening you with ultimatums.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 17th of December 2009 06:08:14 PM
The amount of meetings you attend doesn't matter. If a certain amount of meetings work for you, thats your concern. Your sponsor seems to be a goddamn perfectionist.
In other words, if your sponsor doesn't agree with you, too bad.
Thanks for everyone's reply, I do appreciate constructive criticism for this is life and death we're talking about here. As for the rest of my program, I do have a home group, Tuesday Night men's meeting. I pray to a higher power everyday and night, I journal my thoughts (can be crazy sometimes). I have a pretty good routine going which is has really helped me stay sober and I have cut all ties with any people places and things that were a part of my drinking days.
Russell