hi friends!!

i've missed you!

Lots going on in my world...my daughters friends has moved in with us...she was having problems with her Aunt and Uncle, she is 19 years old, a good girl, she doesn't plan on being here too long, she wants her own place. I have too soft of a heart, can't see anyone out on the street. I know what its like out there, i've been there.

western canada has had sooo much rain!!! south of where i am had a flash flood, 4 inches of rain in 45 minutes!! My mom and family are in Alberta, last night they advised the city they are in is in a state of emergency. 2000 people that live along the river have been evacuated. My family doesn't live too far from the river.I really pray it doesn't get any worse.

My mom really isn't feeling well, i'm angry that it's taking so long for doctors to see her. When my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer she lived only 6 months after the diagnosis. To see my mom wait months for her next appointment just has me baffled.

Today is Fathers day, i haven't spoken to my father since i don't know when, i really think he doesn't want anything to do with me...i'll try to call him today, say a prayer for me...

I got a call from my ex-boyfriend last week, i was with him for almost 4 years. My addiction ended that relationship. For a long time i couldn't face it. I hid from that pain with addictions.

I havent' been with him for about 4 years now, nor had any relationships since that came close to what we had.I believe i closed my heart of, built some pretty high walls. I broke his heart and in turn that broke mine.He even kept taking my girls for weekends after i wasn't around... He's been in another relationship for the last 2 years. Til recently.

To hear his voice on the phone gave me goose bumps! I've spent some time with him since that phone call. I still love him and think he does too. The only thing is we did alot of drinking together, he still drinks. I don't want to jeopardize my sobriety but i feel strong enough. I'm living one day at a time, i'll take our relationship one day at a time to. If it's not Gods will, time will tell i guess. He's in the process of dealing with his 4th dui...he did mention he might go to some meetings with me, yeah!! Wether it happens or not is up to him i guess. I really tried not to preach or push any recovery stuff on him. The bottom line though is that i've changed, grown up i guess i'd say. I think he's the same as he was when we split. I know anything i put before sobriety i will lose. I've made up my mind that if i find myself thinking about a drink i will have to get away from him. I pray that things turn out like we want. I do have some fear here believe me, but at the same time i'm so happy!!!!! We have a past together, for some reason he is in my present..what the future holds only God knows. If i am where i';m supposed to be then i have faith in the process. i just hope my strength continues!!

My youngest daughter, still living with her dad, is having some problems, he's very hard to live with. He keeps telling me he's goin to take me to court for back child support for when i wasn't around, almost 4 years worth. The almighty dollar is all he cares about. I'm very grateful to him for being there for my girls. i've told him this. And don't get me wrong, it's not that i don't want to pay. But i'm just starting to get a life back. I'm working for the first time in all that 4 years...just over minimum wage today, i don't see how i could afford to pay all that money. He was one of my biggest resentments. I was with him for 8 years, of total turmoil and chaos. I used to say that i don't hate anybody till he came along. Since cleaning up and learning to live life on lifes terms i've accepted him and realize he is a very sick person. I pray for him today, that's progress!! But now that my oldest daughter is living with me my youngest is dealing with him on her own. Thats really hard to picture. She's only 11. I remember how emotionally abusive he can be. I' really wanted some clean and sobver time under my belt belfore i set anything in motion as far as trying to get her away from him. I don't know if i want to start the ball rolling as far as court. My past isn't pretty. He will use anything i've done as a weapon. I know this from experience. When i first left him we ended up in court. $13,000.00 later i ended up with interim custody of my girls. But it's been a lifetime since. My daughter has told me that she wants to live with me but is just too scared to leave him i believe. I think she has to be 12 before the courts take her opinion into consideration. The sad thing is that it doesn't have to be a fight. I'm so willing to share it's not funny but he's not. He told her the other day that he's not going to let her see me until i give him some money, and that it's not to hurt her but to teach me a lesson. Sigh.....she's the one that matters the most but he doesn't see that, and ehy, i was so lost in active addiction that i didn't care, but today i do. I just don't want to fight. And if i can avoid the fight i will, but i'm wondering if a fight is the only way. I've been patient, I don't know how much patience i have left. I've decided i'm going to get some councilling for her. And hope he doesn't fight that!!!! H'es a very hateful, vidictive , sick person.

I've been thinking about writing him a letter, but really think that won't get me anywhere either. He's stuck in his ways, very hard headed.

I really thank God that my desire for booze and drugs has been lifted. I could never have dealt with this stuff before, i just ran the other way from it, covered it up. God only gives us what we can handle right? My plate feels pretty full right now!!! But even through it all i still feel good!!!! I'm saying yes to life!!! Instead of wishing it away.

My boss and i still haven't gotten together...i hope it happens soon, so i can move forward on that.

so, i guess thats all for now, i'm definitely going to a meeting tonight!!

stay safe and smilin'

hugs & hugs Wendy....( I have some catching up to do on the posts here...)