Especially from the old timer but open to the whole group...Share with me your awarenesses and experiences with denial as you understand it. Please... Mahalo in advance.
Jerry, I have a lot of experience with relapse and denial is the first stage: early in recovery it was denial that I was a true alcoholic. Then, that I could somehow beat this thing on my own despite being an alcoholic. Later, after periods of sobriety I skipped meetings and eventually stopped going-- again in denial about needing constant help with my disease, whether I was drinking or not.
Today, I have to remain ever-vigilant about my motives in everything I do. I can fool myself and act selfishly when I least expect it.
Going to meetings and telling on myself helps to keep denial at bay.
Well today I think I will just put it in a Figurative way.
Someone is in a boat, with the Fog so intense, he or she cannot see, That big ship coming straight at them, in their little boat. But the irony is there is in fact no fog at all, clear as a bell on the waters, others see that big ship.
Would love to write more, and dont want to get into denial about having company, and needing to get many things done. Procrastination stopped seeming cute when they started calling it Slouth...
This is a really great topic.....denial. Ah....~sigh~ my old friend denial. Funny thing about denial, I dont know when its snuck up on me. I tend to think everyone elses perspective or opinion is out of line and they "just dont understand me". Chances are, if somebody is telling me something that rubs me the wrong way and makes me feel immediately defensive, then denial is at work in my life. The best thing I could ever do for my recovery is be willing.......willing to suspend judgement, willing to admit that maybe others are trying to help me when Im convinced they are trying to control me, willing to take suggestions and act on them even though I cant see how in the world those people know what they re talking about, and willing to be completely and uterly transparent and vulnerable and intimate with my sponsor.
For me, the denial has started with a number of things, (1) feeling mildly irritated for no reason (2) Not minding my own business (3) becoming judgemental about issues which are actually none of my business (4) Isolating myself (5) thinking that drinking wasn't actually that bad, it was I don't need to go there again (6) feeling sad
I am still off the booze but just barely, and will be at a meeting tomorrow, not so sure of myself any more though
For me Denial is a control issue. I want: what I want; to believe or not believe as I see fit and want people, place and things to appear/act/be how I want them.
When I let go - my denial is usually revealed and relieved.
I am SO GOOD at denial, even nowadays after all the years I've been in recovery, I cannot afford to get complacent.
At 3 years sober, after 25 years as a nurse, I had to retire from my job on ill-health grounds, BUT I really ought to have retired around 18 months earlier, but I was in total denial. I had injured my back whilst transferring a patient from bed to chair, which I had done many many times, but on this occasion, the patient's knees gave way, and we both ended up in a heap on the floor!!
I spent quite some time in hospital on traction, and the consultant talked to me about having surgery to remove 2 slipped discs, but nurses are wimps when it comes to being a patient, so I refused surgery, and have never worked since.
For denying to myself that my back was so bad, I probably did more harm than good. My doctor is asking why I keep trying to do too much, and knocking myself back, and he has told me to ASK if I need to do something. He was right on the button, I so want to be able to clean house myself, I want to go fell walking and line dancing and ice skating again, but I have to ACCEPT that those things are impossible for me now, and trying to do it again, I'd probably end up in hospital and surgery could be the only option.
Good topic.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
I had no denial that I was a true alcoholic, but I DID have a problem with denying that my behavior affected anyone else but me. And so the story goes..... selfish, self-seeking, and full of crap!! LOL
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
