And for us seasoned alcoholics, it happens every time!
Do you guys remember when we first started drinking? Do you remember with great clarity the time you took your first drink? How it made you feel? That feeling of utter empowerment and euphoria that came along with the warmth in your tummy? Yes, I remember it; and call me crazy, but the First Drink stands out as the most vivid memories of my teenage years. And as the years of drinking marched on, and whenever I'd feel frustrated, angry, or resentful, John Barleycorn proffered me promise after promise that if I were to drink from his supply, my resentments or anger would all but disappear into thin air, to be replaced by that euphoria and great elation. How many years did John Barleycorn deliver on his promise! Every time I drank, my resentment or anger would all but go away.
Let it be known that during this phase of our drinking careers, we built up a terriffic pedestal where we placed 'the bottle'. As if an idol of which we'd worship, we glamorized and glorified alcohol. I recall, in fact, driving my Cadillac ElDorado down La Jolla Village Drive with an expensive Waterford crystal rock glass full of an equally expensive whiskey that I had placed on the dashboard cowl. "Now isn't that classy looking!" I thought. "My Caddy with Frank Sinatra in the CD player and a pretty glass of booze on the dash."
The most devastating fact about the true nature of our drinking, however, is that we carried this glamorized vision of Barleycorn well into our advanced stages--This, I believe, is why we constantly relapse! The fact that we are unwilling to admit that alcohol is no longer 'classy', and no longer euphoric; the fact that we unconciously cling to our old, glorified idea of the effects of alcohol on our central nervous system, is the seat of our current problems. THE ONLY WAY WE CAN LIVE A LIFE DIVORCED FROM ALCOHOL IS IF WE ADMIT THE GREAT REVELATION: WE MUST ADMIT THAT THE QUALITY OF THE BUZZ WE GET FROM ALCOHOL IS VERY POOR; THAT THE QUALITY OF ALCOHOL INTOXICATION IN OUR LATE STAGES RIVALS THE QUALITY OF THE BUZZ WE'D GET FROM DRINKING SOMETHING LIKE GASOLENE OR KEROSENE!!! And indeed, nowadays when we relapse, sickness almost immediately follows--usually within two days of the relapse. Violent CNS jitters commense around the third day of the relapse, and we start eating less (alot less) food. By the second week-first month of the relapse we find ourselves back in the hospital.
How many alcohol experiments must we conduct upon ourselves before we finally admit that the effect of alcohol is about as poor in quality as drinking kerosene? How many times do we have to go through the: jitters/dry heaves/self-starve/everything-smells-like-a-rotting-corpse/profound weakness/profound cardiac stress before we finally admit that the years of the: euphoria/warm tummy/sense-of-calm/tranquility/removal-of-anger and resentments are years gone bye, never to return?
ONCE WE SEE CLEARLY BY OUR HIGHER POWERS AND ADMIT THAT ALCOHOL GIVES US A LOW-QUALITY BUZZ CAN WE FINALLY PUT THIS THING DOWN ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!
-- Edited by Glenns on Wednesday 9th of December 2009 02:18:31 AM
There are different types of alcohol. The buzz depends on the alcohol content of what you are drinking. For instance, wine gives me a pleasant, controllable buzz; whereas other stuff, such as mouthwash, are much uglier. I don't presume non beverage stuff can be called "barleycorn", but thats beside the point since I can be called a "wet alcoholic". I even tried to contact an AA program last night, but I only was able to leave a message and didn't have the energy to walk there. I'll keep trying that damn number until I get somebody, otherwise I don't know what to do!
And for us seasoned alcoholics, it happens every time!
-This, I believe, is why we constantly relapse! The fact that we are unwilling to admit that alcohol is no longer 'classy', and no longer euphoric; the fact that we unconciously cling to our old, glorified idea of the effects of alcohol on our central nervous system, is the seat of our current problems. ONCE WE SEE CLEARLY BY OUR HIGHER POWERS AND ADMIT THAT ALCOHOL GIVES US A LOW-QUALITY BUZZ CAN WE FINALLY PUT THIS THING DOWN ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!
-- Edited by Glenns on Wednesday 9th of December 2009 02:18:31 AM
Glenns, there a many people that walk into an AA meeting and never drink again. My mother is one of those people. She walked into a meeting in December of 1975 and has been sober ever since. She was also severely clinically depressed, had two nervous breakdowns, several inpatient stays in mental wards and was on maintainence meds for 15 years before going to AA. Within a year of going to meetings, she was off ALL meds and no longer needed to see a therapist. She Did attend meetings daily, used a sponsor, worked the steps...and continues to attend several meetings a week. Relapse is not neccessary and has nothing to do with the "quality of the buzz". It's about not being ready to be honest with yourself and relying on outside stimulus to control how you feel about yourself. You might want to change the title to this thread to "This is why I always realpse"
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 9th of December 2009 04:34:58 AM
I always got drunk, cuz I wanted to get drunk. Its that simple. And ... I drank because Im an alcoholic, and thats what alcoholics do .. they drink.
I havent had a drink in 5 yrs. cuz I suffered that last drunk and it was then that I finally accepted my alcoholism and realized that booze would kill me if I didnt stop drinking. Its that simple ( for me ).
Yes, i used to get a buzz from alcohol, yes i used to get a buzz from alcohol for a long time. But i had to try harder to get the buzz and soon the buzz lasted for a few moments.
I'm not chasing the buzz anymore because that buzz is worthless to me. chasing the buzz is part of the obsession. I've been released from that obsession - long may this continue.
If I don't succumb to the obsession, i won't take the first drink. If i don't take the first drink then I won't develop the craving. If i don't develop the craving then i won't be alcoholically sick.
I learnt of my son's response to my written amends last night. he read them. He binned them. I feel good. he's not acting out anger, he's not crying and depressed, he's not emotional;. He's behaving sanely. I do not need a drink on this. I was calm and relaxed when i got this news. that's serenity.
Anyone who is still chasing the chemical buzz, in my humble opinion, will drink again sooner or later, until the time they realize the buzz is as nothing and the cost of the buzz far outweighs the benefit.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
This is only part of it. This is why we don't stop drinking. After some time has passed, (at least for me) I don't remember that much even what being drunk feels like...and it's only been a bit over 14 months. The obsession of trying to chase the first buzz is part of active addiction in my opinion, not recovery. I say I drank mostly to not feel my whirlwind of emotions. This is plainly obvious to me in all that I've gone through in sobriety. I choose not to relapse at this point more cuz it was so hard to get to this point even in learning how to deal with life. If I drink, everything I have learned about coping with life, emotions, dealing with things, being responsible, and whatever spirituality I have gained is going to go right out the window.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
While it's been a very long time since I drank. What is this warm feeling, euphoria? I am an alcoholic who drank beer and hated it from day one. In the end, I know now, I drank to escape, I drank because that phenomenon of craving took hold. I drank because I was alcoholic. Today I go to meetings, I pray on my day in the morning and I pray on my day at night. Sometimes I pray on the moment. I extend my hand and heart to the sick and suffering alcoholic in and out of the rooms. This is how I get my daily reprieve for I know, that I do not need a drink, Just for Today.
The thought of the "warm feeling" has changed from alluring, to frightening for me. Because it is just about at that time, that I become terrified, KNOWING that it is the facade in front of the horrific things that I did and were done to me as a result of being drunk, and "here we go again". It changes into what it is supposed to be, the TRUTH, after a time in AA. That sense of ease and comfort the BB talks about, is not comfortable in my mind, knowing it is only a "lure' for terrible things to come.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Great thread and responses...Yowzers!! I don't know what a relapse is. Once I stopped for good I stopped for good. My first drink was at the age of nine and it was then that I came to the belief that God lived in a bottle of Portugese Red (a potent wine). I chase that smack!! until I was 37 and then found out that God is in the program because all of you and all of the membership around me then reintroduced me to God...who by the way was standing right behind me all the time, all I had to do was stop and turn around. So I haven't gone back out in the classic sense what I do deal with is what the program, its founders and the professionals who helped put it together and growing is the subject of the subconscious mind where I have come to learn that the tap root of alcoholism is planted. I have come to understand that if I let my subconscious have all the fun it wants deep inside of my brain with the idea and memories of drink then and again and don't respond in kind to it I will never relapse with the chemical. That is one reason why I hang with relapsers...they know the territory and I am most willing not to go there. You guys rock!!
For me, drinking fulfilled most of the Promisesof AA in the early stages of my disease.
When I drank: I knew a new freedom and a new happiness. I thought I comprehended the word serenity and I knew peace. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity disappeared. My whole attitude and outlook upon life changed. Fear of people and of economic insecurity left me. I intuitively knew how to handle situations which used to baffle me. I repeatedly realized that alcohol was doing for me what I could not do for myself.
Then alcohol turned on me. It stopped fulfilling the promises and it made my life miserable in every way. By then, I was physically addicted and mentally obsessed. I kept chasing all the promises that alcohol had broken, but my life continued to get worse.
I think that when I first relapsed, my mind downplayed the second part and focused on the early days. I thought things would be different this time.
Later, I relapsed knowing what would happen and doing it anyway. That's the real insanity of the disease.
The heart of my problem was that I was not rigorously honest with myself nor did I have a firm spirirtual foundation. By the grace of God I've been given yet another chance.
I am so very grateful to be here. Thanks for telling me to come back!
I can't say that my many relapses have been because of a perception about alcohol being "classy", though I can see that illusion. Chasing the buzz is simply why I keep going back. That and the lack of confidence in myself to stick with a program that requires action. I can think and say all the "right" things, but doing what is necessary to not drink is obviously where the rubber leaves the road for me. What I always keep going back for is the romance of the drink. Movies, music, situations, people, they all take on more value when I'm drunk. Everything becomes more romantic (not necessarily in the sexual/personal way). Of course the other side of that is when I'm sober I feel nothing. The notions of long-term sobriety and relapse are baffling. How do some people walk into their first AA meeting and never drink again, while someone else walks in and out of the program for years? Unfortunately, the answer that I've come up with is- Who knows. "Hitting bottom", "Being full" on one hand seems to be the absolute prerequisite for long-term sobriety, but then ACTION is the key to a successful program. You can't be "full" or have hit "rock-bottom" unless you subsequently take action. Otherwise, a program with no action will lead to relapse, right? So, "being full" and hitting "rock-bottom" is only as true as someone's future actions. Often the notion of just absolute surrender and iron-clad willingness gets me to wonder if this will never end. The idea that "rock-bottom" isn't a predetermined time and place gives me hope that a program of action will carry me through despite a misgiving or a desire to drink. That there will be some day where I wake up and the desire to drink is gone, seems unlikely and so to wait for that (which I've been doing) seems rather absurd, then again maybe I've no choice in the matter (powerless anyone?).
Sorry, got off on a bit of a tangent there. Great thread.
I am grateful to say that after 25 years of struggling, bouncing in&out, and many relapses, the desire to drink has been lifted from me. I don't know if I finally hit rock bottom, finally "got it," or God simply blessed me. Maybe a combination of all three.
Anyway, hang in there. Trust me when I say that if I can make it, anybody can make it.
