Well, as seems to be my own tradition here, unfortunately, I have a few issues and worries I just need to bring out and hopefully let go of.
My stepsons are coming for the holiday this year (they live in Oklahoma, we live in Ohio, they are 10 and 14-going on 20, both boys). My husband spoils the daylights out of them, which is not unusual for a father who sees his children just a few times a year..... but it has gotten to the point before of tapping out almost our entire savings, which is a lot. He even mentioned the other day that he was thinking about giving the 14 year old (who is extremely irresponsible about stuff, as 14year olds go..) he was thinking about giving him a Movado watch that my husband once paid $1,000 for. Ridiculous! I am quite certain that the boy will fly backhome his own Palm Pilot, I kid you not. He already has a phone that he can watch television on, for crying out loud! But......... I have really tried not to get toooooo involved in that kind of thing though, his kids, his "deal".
Then the 10 year old has SEVERE emotional disoders. Is a normal kid one moment, the next, trying to set the house on fire or something crazy. Turned my dining room furniture upside down at age 4, kicked over computer tower in a tantrum at age 5, and has done some frighteneing things in his own home in OK City that got him placed into a children's mental health facility for 5 months this past spring. 5 MONTHS in a facility with psychiatrists and MRI's and medications and so forth is a very long time for anyone, let alone a child, and his mother will still not give me a specific diagnosis, so at least I can be better prepared for what to do when the crap hits the fan and he decides to have a tantrum. He is perfectly normal and smiling and laughing on minute, and then VIOLENT the next.) He is not young enough where I can pick him up and PREVENT himfrom doing something insane anymore. I love them both to pieces, especially the 10 year old, as I know what it is like to have a "thinker" that's broken. But he will come here and my husband will be doing the exact opposite of what his mother and stepdad are doing. My husband is the most inconsistent person with children on the planet. He lets them do whatever they want, and then once it gets waaaayyy out of hand, he will blow up. He gets so stressed out when they are here too, he blows up at me for no reason. A lot. And I don't like to "lay down the law" while the kids are here, as it only escalates things.
So, I really need some good advice and prayer for this holiday season. It has been 2 years since they have been here. They could not comr laast year due to the younger one's fractured emotions and behavior, also the older ones grades. My husband has flown out to see them at times for the past few years. I am just scared. I will be trying to keep up with work, my biliary problem that is still undiagnosed, and all the other holiday hooplah, in addition to my #1 responsibility, my sobriety. My husband used to just expect me to do most of the planning, and taking care of them, and running them back and forth to their toxic grandmothers, etc... but the last time they were here he stuck to his promises and took the whole time they were here off, so he could deal with all that. It is still frightening to me though, on a mental level. (Although the last time the younger one lit a Kleenex on fire while I was in another room, and threw it on the floor and burned a melted spot into my carpet!!!!!!!!!) I am so happy to see them, and I love them very much, but geesh, I can get so apprehensive before the visits. Guess this is MY problem more than anyone else's. But I have to stick to making it my husband's ultimate responsibility, especially where the younger one's disorder is a factor. (He has congenital frontal lobe damage, where the emotional center, and decision making and so forth are centered.)
Then there is my new health problem.... and testing coming up, right before Christmas, and the owrry about whether I have to have any invasive procedure right about that time, etc..... Jeez, I guess my mind is ALL awhirl over the Holiday plans, and my own dang mental and physical sicknesses.
I am clearly NOT living in today, which is what I very much need right this very minute!!! Down to my knees I go........................
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Joni, okay...I'm gonna pull out the child therapist in me on this one. I have worked with kids exactly like how you are describing your stepson (the 10 year old). Basically, kids act out more when there are no rules in place because they test boundaries all over the place until you are ready to give them the structure they actually want and need. A suggestion is that the 4 of you sit down at the start of the visit and get out posterboard and make a "house rules list." Explain that this is so everyone can have the best visit and so that everyone can have fun and be safe. Maybe explain to the older one first that the list is more for the younger one and you really need his help. That way he wont be rolling his eyes thinking how stupid it is as much. Anyhow, you let the kids come up with rules and also what they think are fair consequences if they break them. Then in the event that the younger one is acting out and you have to discipline him...You all created those rules together so he will know and you can remind him he helped make the rules. As far as the gifts for the 14 year old...well that's your husband's problem. One thing he might try imparting to the teenager this christmas is the spirit of giving. Maybe he should spend less money on him but take him on a shopping trip where he can buy gifts for the rest of the family and people he cares about. That might also help your husband get in touch with who your 14 year old stepson cares about and what his life is like aside from him just getting milked for gifts. Also Joni, I might try getting in touch with your local community mental health center. Having a kid with those type of emotional problems with you for an extended period of time and not having support of therapists and professionals (like I am sure he has at home) to help you is like sending an alcoholic to a place where there is no AA. There are respite services and things those agencies do for kids...especially around the holidays. I am not sure what your insurance would cover or if he could get enrolled not living in the area but it might be worth checking into, even if it is just to get info and to have a resource for you and your husband to call if he starts getting out of control. When I worked with younger kids in the community, they would have a budget set aside to take the kids out to special events and stuff on holidays...largely this was respite service to the parents so they could plan their own holiday stuff and have a more normal Christmas because it is hard to go shopping..cook...etc when there is a needy and violent kid in your presence driving you nuts nonstop. So...those are just a couple of things I could suggest....dunno if it will help or not. Good luck with it. As far as the other stressors...I know you have the strength to deal with those a day at a time. I guess keeping the issues separate and not wrapping them up into a single glob of sucky stress might help keep it in perspective. Take time to remember the blessings you have now too...I tend to forget as we all do at this time of year I guess. Been in a weird funk here too. Stay strong! Love ya,
Mark
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Wow, I thought I had my share of Christmas stress, was at a bank, talking to my favorite person that works there yesterday, and I put my own hand up around my neck, as in about to be choked, and jokingly said, well here is the month that seems to be just like this ALLLL Month. He laughed back at me, and said, not me, my wife takes all that in.
We all feel that stress, but have to say, I think you win the Doorprise here.
When I was still attempting to hold my merged family together and it was not working, (I was still drinking on and off), so because things were just falling apart, no matter what we as the Step parents seemed to do, we went to a Marriage Couseling Couple that specialized in couples with new Merging family settings. Their advice was so very priceless and golden, and this is what they told us.
Children do not like to be put in second place and they will fight it, and fight it really hard, but they will simply get over it, when they have repeated sit downs with the new stepparent and their own biological parent, and if the parents offer only one thing to this new situation, A UNITED FRONT, even stating that for a while you were in fact, in first place, I will always love you, but now I am married to my new wife or husband, and SHE or HE will always be in first place, and they will not like it, but they will adjust, and deep inside, feel relieved.
I do know Joni, that this is certainly not a new situation, but I have seen you and Josh grow so very much in your relationship, getting so solid and sound, that this new UNITED FRONT could be something that just might be something they can handle.
As far as the unpredictable and pretty dangerous potential of the 10 year old, I would say first, he should be never left alone, and just what Mark said, get yourself a Professional Person to talk to, when these situations come up. I think you might be able to find such a person through a Mental Health Clinic in a Hospital setting......Peter and I did just that when there was that crazy behavior of my youngest son, and they were always there, and always willing to talk, and offer help, as much as they could.
As far as insisting on a Diagnosis, I will send you my thoughts in a PM.
It is not like your own Plate is not overflowing with your own personal stuff, that requires so much attention, and keeping SOBRIETY in front of all of the above.
