Lately I have been feeling a terminal loneliness. I show up to meetings and still feel alone. My family is 1500 miles away. I recently ended a not so healthy relationship.
I am burnt out on being there for other people. I am tired of being an emotional support for everyone around me. I feel like I have no one. I have this dinner thing tomorrow that my roommate was going to go to. My ex was going to go to and my family is to far away to attend. Its an honour society thing... I should be excited, but I am beginning to dread it. I hate going to things alone. Especially when I will be the only one without a guest. I hope its not like -oh yay you have a 4.0 and no one cares enough to be here to support you- Maybe I will have the flu....
I picked up my 9 month chip yesterday and when I got home it was all I could do not to hit the liquor store. I hate being alone. HATE it! I almost debate going to the bar to find some hottie so I can lie to myself for one night that someone gives a flying ----- about me. I took some benedryl and prayed in bed until I fell asleep.
Today I went to a meeting, listened to someone hurting at the coffee shop, went to class and listened to my ex's I love you and we should be great friends bull which brings us to the present time. I have 45 minutes til a meeting. I don't think I will share my insanity with everyone simply because I don't want the men to come "care about me". I know I am attractive and I DONT want THEIR attention. I deal with that crap enough. In fact, I am WAY sick of the men in the rooms. They seem to think a smile means yes I want to sleep with you or something. Oh and 61 is just a LITTLE to old for me being 24 and all. WOW sorry to dump my garabage on the board.....gotta dump it somewhere.
At least God loves me.
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<3 <3 Stephanie <3 <3 "What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things."
Hey, it doesn't necessarily sound like a temper tantrum to me. It sounds like you have a few resentments goin on and you are simply sharing your feelings. I believe your feelings are real, and that you are struggling.
I would highly suggest you find a woman sponsor ( if you haven't got one already ) and begin working the steps with her. Stop thinking about the men in the meetings, not all of them are there for sex. And I would dare say that the most of them are there for sobriety. See ... I believe that a person can come to AA and get whatever they want. I can get drugs, booze, sex, a cigarette, or I can get sobriety.
I can keep an open mind and a positive attitude and give this program everything I have if I want to live. Or ... I can bitch, whine and complain about every little thing that isnt going my way and me totally miserable. The choice is mine.
I am not a doctor and dont claim to be one either . I remember about a year ago I had a bad cold with a very stuffy runny nose. I decided to take a couple benadryl and within an hour of taking them, my head was more messed up then it was prior to taking them. I got a netti-pott for my sinus troubles since and I will never take benadryl again. It is one of the nastiest otc drugs I have ever used.
Another 24hrs Sober, Stephanie! Good for you & great job on the Nine Months! Keep on totting them up, dear sister. I did find that the first year/18mths of my life in recovery was harder as I got to grips with the 12steps & learning this new way of life. I now know a serenity & each day that comes I am truly grateful for every blessing I can count & still be there to offer energy to others in appropriate amounts. I have much more I can give in a way that is healthy for me today.
I'm glad you feel you can come here & share the thoughts you're maybe not confident to share in a meeting or in a one to one with another woman as yet. Sometimes it is better to share with the female we've chosen for our sponsor rather than to spill negativity & our worst fears all over the table in a meeting but saying that it can also be the right thing at the right time. You have to trust your Higher Power on that one. I kept my shares in the room on a pretty general level so that I could exercise safe boundaries & still have my needs met. Maybe some men will be attentive to you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable & I would say to trust your feelings & stay close with the women. Most men in A.A. are there to get well but of course it is wise to take care of ourselves & practice a polite distance until we at least know others better. We wouldn't be in A.A. if we weren't messed up & in need of a rewiring afterall! I have heard it said some are sicker than others. Love & tolerance is our code.
Anyway, I can relate with the unwanted attentions but I have to mind I'm not being overly judgemental or suspicious. There is a tipping balance into arrogance for me! It doesn't seem to be that much of a problem these days as I know how to conduct myself politely & give appropriate signals that seem to head any potential off from the onset. This was something I was terrible at in drink & I'm glad it came as a gift with work in recovery.
You're right. God does love you. Another part of my spiritual awakening as a result of working the steps is that I KNOW I am not alone today. Loneliness is an illusion I'm so glad I let go of. Also, picking up the phone & reaching out to other alcoholics is a great tonic. This will get better for you. Do as suggested & it's promised. I can vouch that it's my experience too.
Keep coming back, Lady. You are most, most welcome. Love, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Well I have a woman sponsor, 2 actually, and I am working the steps....thanks for your assumption though. I am kind of a get it done type person and I was going to sit around waiting for recovery to jump in my lap so I started right away.
The meeting made me feel better. Yes I have some resentments toward the men in the fellowship. I am glad that where you live you don't have men who want in your pants. However, the old man that wanted to buy me a car so I would leave my boyfriend is also there for sobriety. Him asking me if I would help him break in his bed was totally a sober thing. I must have misconstrued it. OMW What world we live in. I have been in the rooms for just over a year and believe me the men who soooo much want to help me are more interested in helping me into bed than anything else (yeah even the married ones). In fact, I didn't believe that soon enough! There are many men WITH SOBER TIME that continually try to "f--- fix" the newcomer women! I try to warn them....
When I did my 4th step I was still dumb enough to think that most of the men just wanted to be my friend. So I guess I will have something to write about on round two.
Don't get me wrong there are a few good ones. The man tonight gave me 20 dollars to get pretty for tomorrow I am sure he wants nothing more than for me to be happy and excited.
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<3 <3 Stephanie <3 <3 "What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things."
Some days all I can do is not drink and push through...
And somedays that is the very best sobriety I can muster with the help of other alcoholics and a God of my understanding. Just like you... ((((hugs))))
Just an aside from a guy in recovery. If your gut is telling you that you don't have the tools yet to trust a male in recovery...don't take the 20 bucks a guy gives you to change your looks. Suggest that he use the money for a better pair of glasses. Just a suggestion from a guy in AA.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 3rd of December 2009 04:42:05 AM
I rarely share anything personal or confidential about my life in an AA meeting. That type of sharing is for my sponsor only. This way I dont have to take 'pot shots' from judgemental members, or open myself up to ridicule.
I am very careful to not allow resentments in my life today. In AA or outside of AA. The book tells me that resentment is my number one offender, it destroys more alcoholics than anything else.
steph- My whole family lives in my town here in southern Indiana. I have been going to AA meetings for about 2 years and still feel uncomfortable in most of them. Don't worry about it...Keep on fighting the good fight...it pays off!
Yah, I can identify with large portions of your post Stephanie. Of course most of the meetings I attend are entirely full of gay men and I have had my share of 60 plus year olds show interest. It used to be flattering and now it's annoying. I have no contact with my ex whom I broke up with just as I started getting sober. It was just too painful and too much of a mind f--k. It's really difficult to start life over and stand on your own two feet. At times I wondered whether getting sober was the part that was hard or whether it was being alone and trying to be responsible for just myself without being dependent on a partner. Now I realize it's all part of the same global sickness and it's all a part of my recovery as well. I know that when I started approaching a year of sobriety I kept wondering why I wasn't better yet and I still am often thinking I'm supposed to be happier, less lonely, and in a better spot than I am just because I got sober 14 months ago. I think it's going to take a little more time than I anticipated and I have to make a daily effort to think positive because if I let that negative thought train get rolling...it's going 100 mph before I can stop it. In any case, you aren't alone and I applaud your strength in doing this at such a young age. You are stronger than you think.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thank you for your responses I appreciate them. I am feeling better today. Some people from the program are going with me to my dinner thing tonight. I don't know them, but I do know that they want to be supportive and thats more than enough for me! The man who gave me a 20 seriously was just trying to help me get excited. He suggested to get my hair or nails done. It was a kind gesture.
I do have to stop the negativity train tho! I think I will put that up in my room. Don't let the negativity train roll you over....
I am only alone as I chose to be.
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<3 <3 Stephanie <3 <3 "What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things."
Good to see a shift in attitude. I read this thread last night, and was concerned for you.....Resentments...the number one killer in this Disease of OURS. A simple luxury of others, but we can never sustain that emotion, have had some of my dearest of friends go out, over some resententment, and thinking of one dear friend that was a 250 man, he did get right back into the Program, but to this day he still has a problem with not handling resentments. He has stumbled in this area about 8 times, in his 20 years, now he has one and a half years in AA.....again. But of course the main thing he is still springing right back to AA. I always tell him is the Poster child for the Jaywalker in the BB. Sorry, just went wondering off and off topic.....
If those feelings crop up again, how about commiting to a Women's Meeting, til you work throught this stuff.
Happy to see that you are going to go tonight, hope you enjoy the support and the dinner.....and as always, love to see how you are doing, and telling your truths, no matter what they are. That is the whole point of this great MIP Board.
A Big Hug, Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Thursday 3rd of December 2009 10:52:53 AM
Good for you Stephanie, your attitude is improving and thats a very good thing ! Glad to hear that some AAers will be going with you to your dinner event tonite. How neat !!
Hi there, Hope the dinner goes nicely, and that no one has bad intentions, and that you can sleep well knowing that you do have support in AA, no matter how you are feeling. If it weren't for ALL of us being able to dump stuff on this board, we'd all probably be nuts by now......... not that we're not already!!
Take care and give yourself a nice hug and a hot bath... you deserve it!
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hey Steph, Its amazing, but I have the same problem only in reverse! I am 50 and all the new 20 year old ladies hit on ME! Of course, then I always wake up. I am sorry to hear that that part of the meetings has gotten weird. Could your sponsor intercede with the offenders? I hope the dinner went well. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I don't think I will share my insanity with everyone simply because I don't want the men to come "care about me". I know I am attractive and I DONT want THEIR attention. I deal with that crap enough. In fact, I am WAY sick of the men in the rooms. They seem to think a smile means yes I want to sleep with you or something. Oh and 61 is just a LITTLE to old for me being 24 and all. WOW sorry to dump my garabage on the board.....gotta dump it somewhere.
