I have a question for members here. What was your rationalization before you became sober? In other words, how did you justify your drinking in your own mind?
Aloha John...That was very simple for me. It was available either right in front of me or not a problem to get as quickly as I wanted it. I could use someone elses (would ask...never got turned down) alcoholism is a social disease so most times I'd get a drink and a drinking associate. We would drink and bs...that goes together also. My rationality was..."I can so I will". Kept it simple then too.
Well, back when I was drinking, my mind was pretty screwed up and I didnt realize this until I got sober.
I also did not realize how sick I was and that I was in fact an alcoholic. ( not to mention it took me a bit of time in sobriety to realize that what alcoholics do is .. drink )
So, when I was drinking, I justified my own drinking cuz' I thought I deserved to reward myself by relaxing, socializing, or maybe I was going thru a ruff patch and thought I needed to drink to make myself feel better. I would also compare my drinking to others , concluding that I wasnt as bad as some were. I also blamed ppl, places and things for my drinking. example: If my husband didnt do what I thought he should have done in any given situation, I would get angry and drink over it. If my back hurt, I would drink to ease the pain and justify that. Shoot if yourback hurt I would drink.
If somebody cut me off in traffic, I would drink, cuz they had done me wrong.
If the bank bounced a check I had written, I would drink cuz it was never my fault, it was the banks fault.
If it was a rainy day and I needed it to not be a rainy day, I could very likely get drunk.
I had all kinds of excuses and reasons for my drinking. However none of them were valid.
What you call rationalizations, I recall them as more just reasons for using Alcohol.
A Great Day...................Good Reason Bad Day........................Good Reason Arguing with husband......Good Reason Getting along really well..Good Reason Cold rainy day................Good Reason Hated the AA meeting.....Good Reason Great AA Meeting............Good Reason Step son problems..........Good Reason Feeling loving with Step son....Good Reason Sunny Beautiful Day........Good Reason Depressed.....................Good Reason Feeling really happy........Good Reason
and then the most pathetic one of all, it finally sunk in that I had a Disease, a life threatening disease, called Alcoholism, now I have an even more determined reason....I have to, cause that's what Alcoholics do, they drink.
And about God helping those that go to Him, well in my head, I really believed, that the God of my Understanding, then, wanting absolutely nothing to do with the likes of me, main reason, I was just a drunk.
So when it came down to living or dying of this Disease, in one of the end stages I think, but dont know that, I was totally in the Grip of the Disease, I had to drink now, 24/7, every 24/7 that I woke up to, or rather came to in.
It was on my futile 3rd attempt at suicide, that I made a huge change in my thinking, I asked a different God, one that might help me, to simply find another way of living. did not want to live as a drunk anymore. From the moment I asked that new God of Not my understanding, just asking anyway, I began relying on that new God of Not my understanding, started to going to a meeting every single day, and asked that same God, to please help me get to the next one, the next day, without drinking in the following 23 hours til then. I used that little 24 day Book, my new Bible. read it maybe 10 times a day, and as far as all those family members, that was not really an issue anymore, they were gone, they left me alone to just drink myself to death. But the real Miracle John, is from that moment of asking that GOD, that I did NOT understand to help me stay sober, and not drink, my raging compulsion was lifted, as a chronic relaspser, I was more that just scared or fearful of drinking, I was TERRIFIED that I would never make it, but I gave that terror over to that same GOD that I did not Understand, and HE helped me with that, every single time.
So 19+ years later, here I am sitting at my computer, writing to you, and not one day in this 24 hour a day Program have I had a major compulsion to drink. And the greatest part of my little life that HE Gave Me, I have a deep and concrete FAITH in that GOD, that is still very mysterious, think my HP will always be mysterious, if not, why would we need the FAITH Part, but do I trust my HP, with every fiber of my little sober being.
Happy, Joyous, and Free, have lived a great and wonderful 19 years of life on life's terms, always starting the day with a very humble gratitude that I am alive and sober, worked the Steps with so much dilligence, for I wanted more than anything to be one of those little people that simply did not drink, NO MATTER WHAT.....and I have seen so many No Matter What's, and turned immediately to that Faith in HIM. and did not drink and walked or was carried, indeed by my Higher Power that I do choose to call GOD, I Trust and Love with all my Heart.Those Steps are living Steps, they never stop needing to be worked.
I saw yesterday when I was just reading the board, that you have a Problem with God. And wrote this out to you, so maybe you just might think over going out and getting a God, that you Do NOT understand, it worked for this recovering drunk, and it might work for you... . Many Prayers going out to you today John, so happy you are here, telling us your truths as they are....today.
Please stay and share with us every day.
Your a big part of this MIP Board, hope you know and TRUST that.
More than anything else, I hope and Pray that you are going to meetings, and sharing, and looking for a Sponsor, to begin your Jouney with us.
Oh the rationilastion for drinking would fill a book. i'm 16 and want to be a man, i want to be like my Dad, i want to be like my brothers, I want to fit in, it eases my nervousness, I can do things I daren't, it soothes the guilt afterwards, it giives me courage, everybody drinks, i deserve it, i've earned it, it's 5 o'clock, i've finished a task, i'm starting a task, i can't do a task, i got promoted, i got passed over, i got married, i became a father, i bought things, i was lonely, i was hungry, i was tired, i was angry, i was happy, i was sad, somebody died, i felt bad about myself, i felt good about myself, somebody got married, somebody got divorced, somebody got born, somebody got christened, i was on holiday, i had an alcohol free day yesterday, it's smowing, it's raining, it's sunny, it's windy, i'm at a party, the fish aren't biting, the fish are biting, the kids are getting on my nerves, the kids are too clingy, the kids don't like me, i need it, i want it, i live alone, i've lost my family, my home, my wife, i want to top myself and on and on and on.
Truth is I am an alcoholic and i didn't know it for years and years and years. That's why i drank, all the foregoing was just excuses and rationaisation.
So my life now? all the above apply except i don't need to drink and i don't always feel bad about myself.
I am learning how to live life. no matter what happens today, i will not drink on it. tomorrow comes tomorrow, yesterday has gone. There is only today.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
