The people around me have such hard to handle things going on in their lives that my heart is breaking for them.
My roommate lost one of her children (4yrs old) in a house fire last new years eve. She is having to go through her first set of sober holidays without her little girl. I don't know how she gets out of bed some days. She is so strong, but yet I see that she is battling the pain daily. I can see it in her eyes; her heart is crumbling.
An AA friend of mine is dieing. He is only is his thirties. The govt just took away his health insurance. He can't eat and is in pain. The doctors told him his best bet would be to smoke pot for appetite. He knows that will start something he cannot stop.
This is a brief look into their worlds. These two people are very important to me and I wish there were something I could do! Now that I feel my feelings, I want to stop/lessen the pain I see people endure. I know pain comes before growth many times, but this is senseless pain.
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<3 <3 Stephanie <3 <3 "What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things."
Aloha Stephanie...You've found your heart and it can still feel. Going thru those feelings without trying to anestethize them is big work. Trying to feel powerless without alcohol takes the master of all manipulations...accepting a power greater than alcohol...HP. One of the miracles of recovery for me was learning all I could about empathy; the feeling with someone and supporting them in that way rather than trying to make it all better for them. I also learned how to be the student and have them teach me where I had not gone yet. My teacher on dieing was another alcoholic who chose not to drink himself away from it or use grass or other narcotics. He chose to do it with all of his emotions alive and his body in the state it was in and his mind unclouded by other issues. He chose to die standing up and making amends up to the final hour. He was afraid but not fearful enough. He was confused without loosing direction. He was still in love with the life he still had left and wanted it to be alcohol and fear free. Your other friend who has lost that infant can also be a teacher if you continue to support her and keep an open mind, open ears and open eyes. There but for the grace of God and may be that is what she is operating on today...a tankful of God's grace.
Thanks for your post. It has helped me shift my perspective just a teeny bit and now the picture of acceptance is bigger. Thanks. (((((hugs)))))
I saw your name up there in the list of AA Birthdays, and was going to write you a note, well now you are here with us, and so very happy you have joined us here.
What stood out to me were your last words of "but this is senseless pain".
"Life on Life's Terms" A very hard pill to swollow at times.
After being in the Program for a Solid Ten years, after have the same amount of time, 10 years of hideous Relaspse, and also just finishing up some 7+ years of very intenseAcute Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I had several things happen to me that I considered absolutely heart shattering.
I lost in many ways my youngest Son, to an Illness of Schizophenia, and in a Rage in a Pychotic Break, and full of Meth, he took his own Father's Life.
My older Sister, had a very small bleed in her central Cortex of her Brain that blew out her Short Term Memory and for several years there after, watch her life drift away into oblivion, in Nurseing homes, and She was the real healthy one in the family so we all thought.
My own Mother, that also had Schizophenia, that for the most part, even though I lived with her growing up, never ever really new her at all, she had a freaky stroke and it took several months of watching her wither away, until she died.
After going through that three trial of my Son's, and watch all the people in my family sort of just leaving this world, my two best friends died in a two week span, one in a fire, the other to a sudden heart attack.
How I survived all of that, each experience had it's own heart shattering effect on me, and though all of those 3 to 4 years of so much heart break, I just daily asked GOD, to Please hold onto me, and stay close.
I sometimes said to my friends in the Program that would ask me how was I doing, my answer was always the same, "If I am not sleeping, I am Praying" and how true that was.
GOD did come through for me, carrying my all the way through, just like that Footsteps Prayer.
Life is not fair, that is a given.....I attended an AA Meeting every day, sometimes to just go and listen, and sometimes to share what was going on, and was very aware of what had been said a thousand times before, This is a Selfish Program, and that meant to me, that I HAD to keep my Sobriety in front of each and every event in mine, or anyone else's life.
So with my 19+ years, I still consider myself a newcomer, and always just keep in the forefront of my mind what it was like BEFORE getting in this Program with the complete Surrender to God, and to AA, and allowed myself to be completely teachable, and keep that bright shining light of Sobriety right in front of every other person, place or thing in my life.....I learned that the hard way after 10 years of doing just the opposite.
Just remember and know that Fear and Pain, well those are the goodies that our Disease is looking out for..... to take away our true Precious Gift of Sobriety.
Just let your own light of Sobriety shine in your life, Pray for those that are suffering,
There is a wonderful book, that I just looked for and could not find, to give you the author, but the Title is "When Bad Things happen to Good People" A really wonderful book that you might get something out of at this time in your life.
Will say a Pray for your two friends, and for you too dear, hope you stay right here and keep sharing with us. Think you will find that there are some awesome people here to listen and share you gift of Sobriety with.
Hugs, One of your new friends her, hope so,
Tonicakes
PS. One of my favorite quotes out of a little book I have called the Prayers of The Cosmos, (an Aramaic translation of the Lord's Prayer) is for" Each Blow to the Heart that we endure, it makes more room for God to be present there in our Hearts".
Hi Stephanie, even though these people are close to you, don't over indulge in sympathy for others. You'll have your own battles and carnage to face, we can only handle so much, and you'll need the strength to handle it for yourself. Sometimes, being codependents, we feel others pain more than they do, and that's not good.
My heart goes out to you and those you love. I, too, have a hard time understanding senseless pain-- especally when it happens to wonderful people.
However, I agree with Dean in that we must be careful. I've always thought of myself as a "pain sponge," but I can't reduce the pain of others by soaking it up. Empathy is a good thing, but if everybody hurts too much nobody benefits.
It all does seem senseless. And we wonder why certain ppl have to go thru so much pain. These things are part of the mystery of life.
When I am faced with hardships ( much like what you are facing Stephanie ) it is highly important for me to stay as close to God as I possibly can, cuz it is only thru Him that I am gonna gain the power and strength that I will need to help the ppl in my life that are suffering.
Sometimes I dont know what to say or do to help friends/family members who are stuggling. But if I pray for them and keep praying for them and ask God how I can help ... the answers will come if my own house is in order.
It all does seem senseless. And we wonder why certain ppl have to go thru so much pain. These things are part of the mystery of life.
When I am faced with hardships ( much like what you are facing Stephanie ) it is highly important for me to stay as close to God as I possibly can, cuz it is only thru Him that I am gonna gain the power and strength that I will need to help the ppl in my life that are suffering.
Sometimes I dont know what to say or do to help friends/family members who are stuggling. But if I pray for them and keep praying for them and ask God how I can help ... the answers will come if my own house is in order.
Unfortunately I cannot rely on God. Since as far as I'm concerned he hasn't helped me at all. My family, as much as I love them, aren't helping me either, so in turn I simply keep drinking. AA isn't exactly selfish, since nobody can change anybody else's behavior. Maybe its that my family doesn't know how to help me.
You're going to have to learn how to help yourself by following a course others took to be successful, in this case at sobriety. In the beginning of meetings they read "Chapter 5" (which is practically a guarantee) "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path". Believe me, following or following directions doesn't come easy to any of us but when your life depends on it and you're willing to do whatever it takes, then you are ready to take certain steps toward recovery. God and your parents can't do this for you, you have to do it, and you have to do it for you. People can only help you to help yourself. Don't worry to much about "God", the first thing is to come to grips with not being able to drink safely and is your life "unmanageable"? Nobody can tell you that but you. Stick around and help us to stay sober.
Stephanie, it DOES suck seeing those around us suffering. It is at these times when the reality that we really CAN'T fix everything, hits us square in the face.
I have found that in some cases, there is not one thing I can do, or am supposed to do for that person, other then to BE THERE, clean, sober and compassionate. When someone shares pain with me, they are not doing it so that I can find the answer. They are doing it to let it go for the moment, and to be loved and understood. All they are asking for is your love. Don't think for a moment that you are failing anyone because there are some things you would like to make better, but can't.
At times, I have felt out and out guilt, because I have been so blessed, and some others in my life have it so hard. Kind of like 'survivor's guilt'... this often leads to my own futility and frustration.
Keep it simple, Stephanie. Feel those feelings and let those friends know how much you care. Keep taking care of yourself and your recovery, and just keep loving. That is the most important thing we can do. We keep it simple, love our friends, and pray for them. I am sure that just knowing you are there is a real blessing to them. And I am sure they are a blessing to you.
I will keep both your friends in my prayers tonight, and also you, so that you will continue to ask for support as well, as you need support too. Don't forget about you.
Take care, and sleep well. May you feel all our loving arms holding you in hugs tonight, as we too care.
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
