Okay, so a lot has been going on. My parents came down to visit me and then we met up with the whole family and went on a Disney cruise over the holiday (mainly for my little nephews all aged 7 to 1 and a half). I will say that the whole thing was good, but difficult in many ways. My mother still treats me like a baby and I had to share a room with my parents on the cruise portion of the visit so that didn't help all that much. Mom felt it necessary to clean my appartment and all this other stuff and basically had me feeling like I was screwing up living on my own. I had to realize she was this way all along and my response was to latch onto it and actually be a screw up. The cruise was fun, but challenging. The first thing I asked was if there were meetings on the boat. I was told there was one and I showed up there at 9 am at the scheduled time. I was the only one there. I did not think a Disney Cruise was going to be so full of alcohol, but there was indeed a bar around every corner and while the kiddies were off in the pool or at their little day care camps many of the parents were drinking. I wanted to get on here and write but the internet access place with computers was also right next to a bar. I didn't really feel tempted that much at 14 months sobriety, but I did feel annoyed. Most every alcoholic's story I have heard started with "I never fit in anywhere" and that whole cruise was certainly an experience in that. I saw plenty of kids, plenty of married parents, plenty of grandparents...but didn't see many gay uncles on board and not a soul who was in recovery (or at least identifiably). I made a few good rationalizations though. I told myself that over half the ship also couldn't drink....because they were kids so it wasn't really like every single human being was drinking but me. Also, that allowed me to focus on spending time with my nephews because the cruise really was for them. The most rewarding part was when my 1 year old nephew who is just now starting to say words began pointing at me and saying "Mark!" He doesn't even say names for the rest of my family yet. Every time he saw me after that he would point at me and go "Mark! Mark!" That was cool. I only had a more serious thought about drinking on the last night on the cruise when I couldn't sleep. It did cross my mind that I could drink myself to sleep, but it was never more than just a thought. There was wine for the rest of my family at every meal. They would fill up their little glasses and I thought how disappointing that would be to drink a tiny little glass of wine. I never enjoyed wine with dinner and always drank on an empty stomach. A glass of wine is still unfathomable to me even though I was pretty much a serious wino at the end of my drinking. It is because 3 huge bottles was still not enough for me, so 1 glass would be highly disappointing I'm sure. I forgot to add, no cellphone reception on the boat so I could not call my sponsor or other alcoholics in my support network. I do have a new sponsor and he is quite helpful. I am glad to be home, even though there is some turbulence in my life. There are meetings and a routine I am used to that has kept me sober. I do have more of a higher power than I thought because I did pray and took an hour when the meeting was "supposed to be" to read literature and such. Like my own meeting with me and God. It worked. So, I missed all of you and happy belated thanksgiving!
Mark
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Mark, kudos to you for turning lemons into lemonade by spending time with the kids. I know exactly what you mean about watching people have a tiny glass of wine or just one drink. I think "you gotta be kidding!" It doesn't tempt me-- it annoys and baffles me. I can relate to the discontent of being the lone recovering person in a group. I also understand sleeplessness and thoughts of rationalization. Glad you made the best of an uncomfortable situation.
OUTSTANDING! Excellent job of keeping it in perspective Mark. It is wierd when you go into the "alter reality world" of Disney where the whole thing is escaping reality! Add to that our inner deamon's constant attempt to play on our weakness and a Mother that wants to make you feel like a baby after so much accomplishment in your life, and wah-la! An excuse to drink! Nice job working it out. The one entity that was always with you on the trip was your HP. Tom
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So happy to see you back here and home again. You did all the right things with sort of detaching to anything that was trying to get on your nerves. Kudos to you for putting your attention with that little boy that only said your name.
When you went to that meeting room and were all along, with God that sounding very peaceful. If they had an Intercome, maybe next time, send a page of "Looking for a friend of B.W's" I have done that at airports, and in maybe 10 minutes 2 or 3 people wander over, and no meeting per say, but we sit and chat about where we are from, and mention how great this network of ours works so well.
So again happy as a clam to see you here.
Your friendy pie, Tonicakes....yep pie and cake, what could be better after Thanksgiving.
Belated Happy Thanksgiving to you...
-- Edited by Just Toni on Saturday 28th of November 2009 06:18:57 PM
Dear Mark, I was so glad to see your post, fretting a little before to be honest but knew as it's holidays many around here are visiting and out doing stuff. I had to go to a conference for a job in Florida many years ago and it was held at Disneyworld. I remember being shocked at how readily the booze flowed in a kid park. Even back in my drinking days I thought it was inappropriate but convenient.
Toni, I would never think to use the intercom that way. Cool idea. Thankgiving night I caught a ride home with a couple. The fellow does not drink. I wanted to ask about AA; I've never tried to break into code. I was having a total bummer of stinkin thinkin day and thought it would be great to discover that someone else there was a fellow member. I ended up asking if he used to drink. He said yes, but he's allergic and stopped a long time ago. He stated it so scientifically and is such a driven, matter-of-fact person that I decided there was no Bill W. vibe and was just grateful that someone else was there that night to be offered juice loudly as soon as they walked in the door.
I was also finding I had massive snowballing resentments at my mom. I was unable to nip it with prayer or meditation. It lingered on the fringes, I ultimately knew it to be about my own dis-ease and had my first downer share at meeting yesterday. That was a big deal, because my family culture is if you cant say anything nice....shut up. I couldn't feel the gratitude of the holiday until I spit it out at meeting. Since then talked to mom and opened up without my normal passive-aggressive and defensive and talked about the initial resentment.
With out all of you in the fellow and sistership of AA, I could not do these things. I'm hosting December holiday and hope to start over with more joy. For today I am so glad had my first big holiday sober. THank you!!
Thanks for sharing Mark, As I was reading your post, I kept thinking to myself ... uh oh, he's all alone on this ship, no phone to call sponsor, no meeting, and booze is everywhere ! I was waiting for you to say that you prayed and asked for help ... And you did !! Yes, and good for you !!
Sounds like you were blessed with a great holiday vacation with your family and God was there too
Thanks guys. Yah...I do think that hour of praying and the little meeting I had with just myself and God while overlooking the water periodically was quite helpful. I did want just another person there to talk to, but it was okay. I was able to get out of my head. Plus, the one book that they did have laying on the little designated "friends of Bill" table was "As Bill sees it." I have never read that book and it was engrossing like most AA literature is to me. Whenever I take time to really read the literature and do stepwork it is affirming. It's nice that we all have little books written where we can go "Oh man...this book is written just for me!" I think most of you can identify with that thought. Never came across anything in our literature that I was like "That is some BS!"...never.
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