Hi Everybody! New to this site. In my arrogance & denial I was over on the sister Al-anon page. HA! Today I am 22 days sober. The emotions and craziness are almost too much at times. I was wondering if anyone out there has experience with spouses who are both in recovery. My husband is now around 7 months sober. He went to a halfway house facility this spring, I lost my mind. Instead of admitting to myself and him that I too have a serious drinking, drugging and thinking problem, I screamed, berated, threatened, I WAS JUST HORRIBLE!!! For months he tried to include me in his new life, I kept chugging scotch and snorting pills. During the 1st week of Nov., I was lying in bed, heart pounding from Adderall, head spinning from drunkeness, and I realized I was going to die if I kept it up. Too little too late to save my marriage. I'm sure as I continue on my 12 step journey, the seperation will not be so hard on me. My spouse has rented an apartment for a year, wants nothing to do with me, says it is what it is, that he accepts what I have said and told him (horrible, not true things) and our marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, there is no "us", he no longer loves me like a husband should love a wife, it goes on and on. Oh yeah, we work together. Sigh. Just wondering if anyone out there has had a relationship seem to be almost dead and somehow through the grace of God, survive this horrible, life threatening, destructive disease. I am so sorry and I still love him so. (still working on loving me...)
Well 22 days, and then 7 months, does not sound like a whole lot of time. as the days go on, and you both get sober, the unknown is always there, no one can predict the future, or the next day for that matter.
But if you had gone in first, and he was fighting it (good ole denial, just part of the Disease) would he not have said all those things to you????
Hope so much as a little time goes by, sobriety really does SOBER us up to SOBER thinking. My take, he just sounds very angry at you, and hopefully will get over it.
Praying for your Recovery, this might sound stange to you, but Sobriety has to come first, before every person, place or thing, no matter what, and that includes all family members, even the very close ones.
Hope you will keep your Sobriety first and in that order my new friend. Glad you joined us here.
Indeed, your own sobriety MUST be the top priority.
It has been my experience that if I put ANYthing ahead of my sobriety, I will lose that thing AND my sobriety. Your own behavior is the only thing you really have the power to change. As you heal, your life will get better. This takes time.
Whatever it is that we truly NEED in life (not what we think we need) will be given to us when we stay sober by searching out a Higher Power of our own understanding, through the 12 steps. Our greatest pain can turn into a blessed gift.
The answers will come, in time. But we HAVE to stay in the moment. We cannot predict the future, or try to manipulate it. Whatever will be will be, and not one ounce of worry about it will change the course and turn the situation in "our favor". We alcoholics we don't really even know what we want at times, and we surely cannot know what is best for us either. Stay in today. Tomorrow can go either way, and it is not worth wasting moments of serenity that could be had by staying in the moment and paying attention ONLY to what we are doing this very minute. It is in the present where we find our Higher Power. When we wander off into things that have not yet happened, we lose sight of our faith that HP will make all things right, on day at a time.
Take care.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Oh, and P.S..... alcohol GOT us into these situations. It will never get us out of them. We live and learn, and we try not to repeat the same things over and over. We do find intimacy with others, we do lose people for good, and we do sometimes get them back, sometimes not. But we find happiness in sobriety. The pain of today will not last if we stay sober and have new experiences.
Take care, and much love for you tonight. I HAVE been where you are at; I felt abandoned, lost, depressed and desperate. But it gets better. And although I never ever thought I'd get over "him", I now have the non-alcoholic, non-drinking husband who is more than I could have wished for before sobriety. Hope you are resting your mind tonight and sleeping well.
Hugs
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I've seen stranger things happen. But like it was said, better to focus on you. Also, does he know you are admitting you have a problem now too? Being at the same meetings might be distracting for both of you at this point.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Ha! I have some actual experience with this. My hubby has 2 years sobriety. I will have 2 years in Feb. Yup.....I was a stubborn one and dragged my feet thinking he needed it more than me, and I only drank because of him. We've been together 14 years. What follows is some simple steps that worked for me. Find your own sponsor, use them and leave your spouse's sponsor alone. No calling them, no tattling on your spouse. Nothing. Call your own sponsor with the instructions, "When I phone you to rant and chew about my spouse and the kind of program he is working, give me 3 minutes tops and then help me work on ME" Go to separate meetings and have seprate home groups. Celebrate each others birthdays and successes, but have your own stomping ground of recovery. Keep your nose out of his recovery. Do not ask what step he is on, do not ask if he has called his sponsor today, do not suggest he need a meeting. When tempted to do this things, ask yourself what step YOU are on, call YOUR sponsor and get YOUR butt to a meeting. The marriage will take care of itself if you take care of the part of the marriage you CAN control. Yourself and your commitment to recovery. Put the marriage in God's hands and be willing to do everything you can for yourself........God will do the rest. Dont wonder where the marriage will be 6 months from now......thats living in tomorrow and it certainly isnt surrendering. Dont cry over all the damage thats been done to the marriage. Thats living in yesterday. Doing the steps will take care of the parts you can and enable you to let the rest go. Take care of yourself and your recovery and treat him as if he were any other struggling alcoholic in need of love and support and compassion. When in doubt about what to do....do nothing but pray! When you think you know what to do, talk to your sponsor for clarity. If you want to talk more, email or pm me. Love and peace, Julie
