Howdy, "Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false." I cannot really remember how I arrived at the doors Of A.A. It took three years of being carried by a Loving God for me to consciously realize I was clean and sober. It floored me. If I barely remember how I got here in the first place it is well for me to accept the fact that for me A. A. is the last house on the block. I am unable to convince my self that I could find my way back. As I feel the agony of some who have drank again to get the elusive sense of well being back I Tremble. I truely hope for those to make it. I was told in early recovery that the further away I am from my last drink the closer I am to my first. My sober date is May 17 1979. By My willinginess to do a few simple things and the Grace of God I have not found it necessary to use booze or dope to ease life. As I post this I hear in my head " Yeah Yeah mr. Toad setting youself up by bragging" I truely hope not. I feel the need to say " Once in the doors of A.A. it is not necessary to ever drink again One Day At A Time." My experience can back that up. I know the "cunning , baffeling ,powerful , disease of active drinking stands at my door whispering. Today I ask for the gift of sobriety one more time. Toad
Toad, Thank you for the reminder today. What I really have is a daily reprieve from alcohol based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Powerless means I will drink again if I don't put something in it's place that's provides a better life for me. That something is my HP, Steps, Sponsor and the entire AA program. The promises are a better way of life for me than drinking, but I need to continue to take action to see the results. Have a good day.
"The further away I am from my last drink the closer I am to my first." So very, very true.
Today, for no known reason, I was thinking a lot about a couple I knew in my early recovery. They had met and married in AA and each had 25 years sobriety. They were Mr. & Mrs. AA...sought-after sponsors, tons of service work, great (terrible) stories, genuine expressions of humility and gratitude. And both dead...the husband went out first and the wife followed quickly. Didn't take long before there was one heck of a sad, sad, double funeral. 25 years, celebrated with a drink.
"the further away I am from my last drink the closer I am to my first"
This was the thought of that quote that was making me feel so vulnerable and pretty fragile. I am not really an oldtimer, per say, not next to those that have 30 some years, but I am coming up on my 20th next September, only with the Grace of God .
And to the about quote, it serves as a very ominous warning. My thinking has always been, with my own wretchedness in 10 years of Relapsing, my thinking is I really don't have another Relapse in me, meaning it would kill me and fast.
But to the words of Leeu, that really calmed me down, thank you Leeu, her words were Yes we are fragile," but together we are a core of titaium" Great stuff Leeu.
It is one thing to be very vigilent, but another to be hyper vigilent. (why add anxiety to the mix??)
Our Sobriety is always based on our Spiritual condition, and I ask for Help from Him every morning, and try really hard not to forget to Thank Him at night. Pray about most of what I do not understand, always.
With the Disease whispering at my door always, there sure is a need for vigilence, but just "Trust God, Clean House, and Help Another"
Hope this made some sense, just came pouring out it me. Now I can be free of fear for today.
And Pray that we can all have a great sober, fear free day as well. Thanks for reading this.
Your sister in Recovery this beautiful afternoon.
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Tuesday 24th of November 2009 07:23:13 PM
I got sober in the AA rooms in the Akron Clev area, and always the saying there was:"Either you are getting closer to your next drink of further away from your last".
The underlying message was that we must continue to grow spiritually, working the steps in our lives, and continue using the absolutes to help evaluate our progress.
I have been sober 25 years and I as long as I keep soberiety and the AA program the most important things in my life, I am moving further away from my last drunk.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Howdy, I once had a thought of A.A. being a giant net. Like a net that catches fish. I ened up in that net. As recovery progressed it looked like I had a responsibility to maintain my section of the net. To keep it mended. So that me or perhaps someone else did not slip back into the sea of alcoholism. My little section was very uniquely mine. My Experience Strenght and Hope. As I looked around I saw many other people keeping there little section of the net well maintained. I knew then that no matter who ended in up in the net or why they would not have to slip through back into the sea. They would be able to relate to somebodys little spot. As long as I do not compare my little spot to yours the net will hold fast. My recovery has not been pretty. I never became an A.A. poster child. The old timers before me never said look how wonderful he is doing. Never did I get nominated for a position of trusted servant. I did not and do not feel bad about that. Bill W. talked of being "Our Right Size". Mine seems to be having the" Desparation that only the dying understand "very close to the surface. I accept that as my right size. I am able to have sweet joy in that My past is my greatest possession, if I am willing to as it were relive it any time any where It "Can avert, suffering and misery and death for others. My past was raw evil. My conscience was gone when I fell into the net. I am wealthy I posess much. I am very grateful for Toni"s and Rob84'S reply. The net is holding, no one needs to slip through today. WE HAVE A STRONG NET. All is well, Quiet Joy, Toad
-- Edited by Toad on Wednesday 25th of November 2009 10:21:44 AM
That is a Great Visualization. Mine is of thousands and thousands of little coloneys along a fast moving river. We have our chores for keeping our own village free of debris, and personal care for our selves, and for all the other little villagers, a creed that we all honor, we all keep a diligent eye on the river bank, we work 6 days a week always, and keep Sunday just for rest and Prayer, and we have this Awesome Higher Power keeping a close eye on all of our activities, just watching from about, and sending a warm glow of love and caring for each and everyone.
Haha, well it is pretty early in the morning, and loved hearing about your visualization, and sharing my own.
Smiling now, cause it feels like we are coming from a Dreamscape clip :) Not a smile from funny, but a Prayer smile that yes if we stay very close to each other and watch out for our Brothers and Sisters every second, we can indeed escape the horrors of how we were, when we first arrived.
Thank You so much for your Thoughts this morning,
Happy Content Sober Day to you dear.
Your Sister in Recovery, Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Wednesday 25th of November 2009 10:42:44 AM
Thank you Toad for that visualization and metaphor of the net. I have said throughout this year that AA has been like a safety net for me and it allows me to go through some very painful growth with the help of others. I thought I was going into AA to stop drinking, but I also knew one of the primary things was I needed to grow up. That safety net allows me to make choices and some of them are bad...Sobriety has not guaranteed me the ability to choose the right path every time, though I continue trying. Also, becoming part of that net for others is astonishing. When I came into AA, I thought I had something to give right away because of my background as a therapist...What I found out is that I knew nothing about my disease and had to learn from others. The net is made of people who have lived life on life's terms and they teach me how to do it. All I have to give in AA is based on my experience in sobriety and that is still pretty new. Either way, we all do this together and that is something that was sorely missing from my life before.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks Mark for the share. I have a "bright mind". I had to painfully learn the fact that very few are too dumb to get this deal, very many are to smart to get it. That said I very much need your ESH today. Ihave not got "well" enough yet to not need a NEW PAIR OF EYES. Pretty new is pretty good.
