I was not in a sober state. I can't get myself to even open that thread, knowing I was spitting vinegar and being unreasonable. There were 3 days there in a row where I didn't sleep and just drank myself around the clock until I fell very ill. Not a hangover I know that, stomach was full of nails and couldn't get up off the bathroom floor for 12 hours without vomiting. I don't know if it was pancreatitis or gastritis or what but called on my sponsor (the same one I was complaining about) to take me to a clinic for some sort of examination. Still don't know what it was, but am still finding it difficult to eat anything more than toast and applesauce.
Anyways, am committed to do this right, even though I'm so filled with righteous anger and a whole of other ugly emotions. Man, I have turned into such a sick ass! Anyways, I apologize if I said anything rude or accusatory.
The situation with my parents is way outta control now since they know what happened the other day. My head is full of ultimatums and shame. Might get evicted from my apartment in two days because the furnace filter guy came in last week and found plenty of things in my apartment to rat on me for. They say in the BB about how alcoholics chase this illusion to the gates of insanity. I never thought I would be "insane" as a result of my drinking, but feel myself slipping away into an angry, paranoid person.
One of my points of anger (and please tell me your opinion on this) is that I can't manage my own life w/ apartment so I'm staying with the parents but since this latest incident they are taking it upon themselves to be involved in my "recovery". That is really bothering me. Maybe if I were 17 it would be understandable and ok, but as a 27 yr old guy, I don't want my parents paying for an addiction specialist or meeting with my sponsor. Subsidize my sanity, my mental state? That seems very counter-intuitive given that recovery and such is made from within the individual. I supposedly have until Monday to make a decision to see either an addiction specialist or sign up for IOP. What the hell?! I just want to say eff it, walk out and find my own place to stay and find the recovery through AA that I know is there. My father seems to think he can fix me with pills, like campral or something that will help with the cravings. I'm very against that.
Apology accepted. Your communication is wonderful amends. Thank you for keeping me sober another day.
You're a lucky man, Dodsworth. Your parents still love and want to help you, but that is not something to take for granted, as it IS possible for that to run out.
Step 3 is strong bridge to acceptance and freedom from our own selfish, alcoholic motives.
When faced with the reality of my alcoholic condition and acknowledging that I am powerless over alcohol, I found AA and I also a sought professional consultation with my physician. He referenced me to a behavioral health counselor with a strong addiction-treatment background and said "talk to her honestly, and then do whatever she says you need, and keep going to meetings."
Per my therapist & physician I have a plan for professionally monitoring my recovery which fits both the degree of care I need and my responsibilities as husband, father & employee. That's all I, ROB, am doing and it's working so far. I'm not you.
I'm not you and I can't tell you what to do.
I can tell you that what helped me was thinking about myself not as the Master of my Destiny, but as a willing and humle child of my Creator ready to accept It's Will and you can have that too. Check your books & pray for willingness to accept the will of your HP.
Your parents love you and Love is my HP's Hand of Grace that I can feel in my life, every sober day, with no sense of doubt at all. Love Happens.
I was pretty sure you had a resentment in your 'other' post.
Im glad you are okay Dods. You have yet another opportunity to get healthy. Why not take some suggestions from ppl that know how it works ???
I didnt and still dont need an addictions specialist or a therapist or any pills to help me thru or get me or keep me sober . I need God and AA and my own open mindedness, willingness and honesty and the humilty to be teachable. You may be different.
If you dont want to take pills , dont. If you dont want to see a specialist or therapist or go to out patient therapy, then dont. If you want to go to AA, get a sponsor, get a God and get better, then do that.
Tell your parents you appreciate their support, but that you would like to go to AA . they are your Mom and Dad no matter if your 7, 17, 27, or 77. You only got one Mom and Dad and you really are blessed to have them care so much about you. Tell them that their concern means alot to you ( as it should, cuz lots of alkies parents' dont give a crap ) and suggest they look for Alanon in your area and start going to meetings.
Much appreciative of everyone's understanding. I guess its not horrible to just take the help from my parents. Just would like to do it on my own, and by that I mean without my 60yr old parents looking over my shoulder making sure I make meetings, etc. I want to get sober by my own prerogative, not their nudging. Does that make sense? Maybe that isn't even important. Maybe its just accepting the help and taking action thats important, and I'll look back on this someday with a shrug. Hope everyone is having a good evening.
going out on a limb here and suggesting that you make a break from that and do it on your own asap. this is a "family disease" and being tied to your family during recovery can be received (by oneself) as shameful and can be a serious impediment to sobriety. This is really just a continuation of the same and you know what our def. of insanity is right?
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 21st of November 2009 09:16:51 PM
Thank you for your post, it has really helped me today, I have been housebound because of weather conditions over the last few days and am turning into a baby about it, full of resentments and using that as an excuse to go out there, well there is nothing else to do etc, it can be irritating to have parents interfere but they love you so easy does it, I see my grown up son as a child and would find it hard not to do everything in my power to help him if he were an alcoholic, I wish you well and hope you feel better soon, our drinking causes us so much illness, I was sick 120 days of the year, and it was horrendous, worse than the flu and its something I have not missed over the last four months. Sending prayers on for your recovery.
Was thinking about that apology, well if we had been judging you, then maybe some offense was taken, doubt it strongly, you know this Program just only offers love and compassion, and we do not judge, we are, or have been exactly where you have been. For those of us that stuggled and balked at the Program, but inside needing it so badly.
So NO apology is necessary, as Dean said the other day, and we all share in his words, we only want you to gain some sobriety, and be steady in that, one day at a time.
You recall last week, when I edited out my response to you, well it was not really a judgement, I was being critical of you not being accountable for your smoking. But that was really NOT the issue, I got off my computer, and in a few minutes said to myself, "Where the hell were you coming from?" and came back right away and took it out. You are me many years ago, when I was not getting this Program, we are all just a bunch of recoverying drunks, that by His Grace just do not drink one day at a Time. It take a daily vigilance to do this Dod's and if I could get to that place where I gave up all my negative thoughts, and finally only through the Grace of God, get pulled up and out of this Disease, an into a Program that did not ever judge me back, ever, then I truly believe you can too.
If you have the finnacial means not to go home, I share Dean's thoughts, did your Parents offer an outside recovery Program where they would help???
Think I recall you living at home and it did not work for you, right, do you have any other means of getting another little place for yourself, you are working right?
Ok, question phase of this response is over, Just thinking out loud.
Come join us in this 24 hour a Day Program, that's my Prayer to you today.
Hugs, Tonicakes
-- Edited by Just Toni on Sunday 22nd of November 2009 12:49:53 PM
Toni- No, I have no financial means to do anything, that includes buy a pack of cigarettes (only have 1.5 cigarettes left!) The apartment is paid for by them and so when they said "Adam, were are going to sublet your apartment", I really have no say in it. My choices are basically to stay with them over the holidays and put together some plan to move out, whether that is an apartment (assuming i find a job) or a halfway house, or something or just gather a few important belongings and just walk out, and sleep in my car, which does sound tempting. I am currently not working besides helping an old family friend do maintenance around his office/home a couple days a week.
Dean- My sponsor says the same thing, that they have enabled me and keep enabling me. So, I don't know if it's "right" or "ok" to accept their help and shelter or if the best thing for me to do is to just walk away and roll the dice on the street. Can't shake the notion that if I got sober with the help from my parents, that it would be a shamed sobriety or something. Not sure how to say it. It is hard to find the right answers. As if getting sober now would actually backfire and lead me to drink again...?I want to quit drinking, that I know and Im aware that I've said that once a week on here and in my head for the last 2 years, but I do mean it.
In the face of everyone in my life that is pissed off or ashamed or puzzled by my choices/alcoholism I have been extremely extremely angry and very terse with them. The only way for me not to feel like a total shmuck and pariah is to try and shut down inside- telling myself literally "Have to not care about your father's respect/admiration, just be dead inside, apathy is the only way to not fly off the handle"...I have been praying the last three days to have my anger and sadness replaced by humility and hope, and reflecting on that desire helps a little but it will just take a real long time and action I think to replace how I feel, which is why I tell myself to just not care until caring doesn't hurt. I'm rambling here. Take care all, and thanks for your ESH.
Adam, look at it this way...If you take any financial help from your parents, ask that it be to go to a rehab in another state such as California or Florida. I can see you want to grow up and want a way out of this madness. When you are on your own, there will be nobody left to enable you and just consider it a last financial gift from your parents to fund rehab out of state. After that, start attending meetings in a new area and either find sober roommates or a halfway house. That is what I would do at this point. I think you will consider it sink or swim time when you are on your own away from home. I have the same type of enabling parents and when faced with the choice of moving back home this time when I hit the skids, I did the opposite and realized it was truly time to start trying to be more of an adult. I still have a ways to go, but I know I couldn't do this at home. If I had to live with mom and dad, I'd be drunk within a month...This is YOUR life and your recovery. You will only feel proud of your sobriety when you are doing it on your own. Family is motivation but you need to find yourself and they contribute to your sickness at this point. Just my opinion again...and as I have stated before...opinions are like....
No matter what you choose though, there is always hope Adam. You can get sober anywhere and it's up to you. What I respect most about you is that you keep coming back and you haven't given up yet. You are stronger than you realize...just caught in a negative cycle that needs to be broken. I am sure you will do it and it will be your ESH then to give away to someone else in the same position you are at now.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Dean- My sponsor says the same thing, that they have enabled me and keep enabling me. So, I don't know if it's "right" or "ok" to accept their help and shelter or if the best thing for me to do is to just walk away and roll the dice on the street. Can't shake the notion that if I got sober with the help from my parents, that it would be a shamed sobriety or something. Not sure how to say it. It is hard to find the right answers. As if getting sober now would actually backfire and lead me to drink again...?I want to quit drinking, that I know and Im aware that I've said that once a week on here and in my head for the last 2 years, but I do mean it. __________________________________________________________
Dods, there's no wrong way to get sober, if it works and continues to work. Your sobriety wouldn't be "shamed". What I meant is that you have a great deal of shame associated with your relationship to your parents in your perception of not meeting up to their expectations etc... so that's a hard thing to be around/think about while you're trying to get sober. And, It hasn't been working for you. You've not tried supporting yourself and have used the assistance of your parents to continue drinking and your disease would very much like to maintian the status quo. What you need is to do something differently or you're going to get the same results. There's no urgency in your life right now and thus nothing compelling you to work for your sobriety. It's not necessarity all your fault but armed with the knowledge of how you're supposed to do this (get sober) you are negligent in your efforts and thus wasting your parents time and money. It's sucks for them to think that if they don't support you that something tragic may happen to you. Hopefully they'll have to take that chance sooner or later as they are guaranteeing your eventual demise currently.
Just thinking out loud.