Hi Everybody My name is Phil, and I'm alcoholic I have been a moderator on this message board ever since it started...many moons ago.. And was sober for 22 years..When I walked into a beer store...mad at the world..about things that werent going my way.. Since that time I have accumulated 2 months sobriety...and thats it.. That happened quite some ago..and have had alcohol in my body each and every day since.. The characteristics of a practicing alcoholic..are arrested, through working the 12 steps.. But pick up a drink? And they all come to the surface once again.. On one side of it all? I have a big heart..filled with love..and giving.. On the other side? I'm a liar and a cheat.. Over the past few hours? I have hurt others deeply..with emotional scars..that might never heal.. causing them to hurt...and have created anger and mistrust...and they will likely never be in my life again.. I DO NOT feel good about that..and THAT is an understatement. I KNOW the route to take to obtain sobriety..and get myself on track.. I HAVE the desire on one side...but on the other side? I dont. The craving for alcohol..each day...over rides the desire to stop. It is cunning baffling and powerful I dont know, what tomorrow brings..I just know..that I MUST drink today.. As a moderator...? Sometime time over the next few days...I will be removing myself, from that position. And today I ask a God Of My Understanding for direction.
Phil
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Live each day as if it were your last...because tomorrow?
It might be.
Well my heart just leaped out of me...with Prayers for You. I have very cherished memories of our old friendship, and so sad indeed that it did not end well.
Pretty sure I will spend a lot of this day sending out those Prayers Up for You to HIM.
We are so very Powerless over this damn disease, Praying that you will go to your meeting today, with just a desire to quit.
Lots of Love is being sent your way. Hope with all my heart that you will turn to your HP in this, no human help will come close, but seems like I am Preaching to the Choir..
All of the wonderful, joyful things that you have brought to this Board over the years, nothing will ever change that.
Just like all your loving responses to others when they fall out of the boat, no biggy, just crawl back in, hundreds of hands will catch you and keep you back in the boat, together with US, your brothers and sisters in this 12 Step Program.
With Hope for you today, you are so loved by so many, too many to put a number on. Let that love help you too, another Prayer for you.
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Saturday 21st of November 2009 11:48:28 AM
The more time we have the further we fall down when we slip. I've seen first hand and heard tales of those with long term recovery who go back out and it's bleak. They either find their way back or they die withing a short time. I knew a man who had everything in the Fellowship, a sponsor, sponsees , Grand parents, parents, children and grandchildren who all loved him. He hit a rough patch with his wife and went back out and it broke him, he came to the meeting crying just like any other new comer off the street. In spite of all the people who loved and wanted to help him he couldn't find his way back and within several months he'd taken his own life. I attended his funeral and I wondered why nobody could help this man find his way back. Phil I hope you can find your way back before it's too late. You have the tools and you know what needs to be done, you need to surrender your will and allow yourself to come back into the fold. Bob.
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
I can only echo what has already been said by Toni and Bob, Bubba. 22 years, 22 days, we all of us are just one bad decision away from the insanity. As Toni said, you are loved by many. You've reached your hand out, your heart out, to hundreds on this board. You've been a testament to how AA works. I pray to God, however I understand Him, that once again you will be in service. With much love, Chris
Thank you for your post. I am humbled and you have kept me sober another day. I cannot presume what to share with a 22 year man that he hasn't heard before. But maybe...
When I am losing the battle that day, it has helped me to quiet down. clear my mind via prayer & meditation and then remember the basics. I don't know your basics, but I'd bet you do. The Program is never broken and works when you work it.
Somewhere your weave has unraveled. Find the broken thread and mend it.
I pray to God that Phil is willing to accept God's will and the fellowship of AA - for the sole purpose of Phil's sobriety today.
Peace, Rob
-- Edited by Aquaman on Saturday 21st of November 2009 03:00:19 PM
I am fairly new to MIP & taking my alcoholism to a place where I can be encouraged to stay sober, I have found a key question to myself when I am tempted...... after that first hit... then what? Nothing can compare to the first few drinks, seconds later I feel it... then what? I have another drink, then what? another drink, then what???? I already got the hit I thought I needed... the first one... then what? My answer to myselfis, then "don't", there is NO logic in it, it takes me no where but to despair. It's just not worth it!!
I pray you have a logical conversation with yourself... where is the logic?
Phil, thank you for your honesty, your trust, your humility & your hope. Your admittance right here & opening up your wounds for us to see & offer healing love towards is a gift of our sibling fellowship.
This, your honest working of step one & letting go of every day you have had before will very much likely give you the chance to stay sober for one day (today even perhaps) The time we accumulate is not a possession or a burden to live upto around our necks. We get to be sober for one day. Today. Let today be your day & a new beginning.
We can assume you know everything there is to know about recovery, the program & everything but will that be helpful? I love that you have lowered your guard. You've come out of the denial & you're letting us in to love you with God's love while we take our turns in vulnerability.
Your willingness to let go of moderating duties is brave & mean demonstration of your willingness to go to any lengths to beat your disease just for today. A moment's clarity of wisdom has come allowing yourself to be helped like you were at the start.
I felt this very much when I was at the AA convention & feeling out of my depth. I surrendered & let myself be a newcomer again. I trusted in others around me & God's grace came to me through them. It gave me a blissful peek at just how much this fellowship & this program helped me when I allowed it.
I salute your effort to let go & start again. You may have already known how to stay sober before but somehow that has gone & your thinking that you still know how to stay sober may be good but I think your renewed efforts of surrender will bring you your best.
I'm looking forward to seeing you strong & well again. I know & pray you can do it too. With you today & all the way, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I remember drinking on and off for the first 2 yrs I was around AA meetings. My last drunk I got in touch with my sponsor and asked her what should I do ?
She said, " Lori, you know what to do, get on your knee's and ask for help, then get to a meeting. ".
I did just as she told me to. That was 5 yrs ago and I haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink since .
What We really have is that daily reprieve, contigent on the maintainence of our spiritual condition. I rely on God, He has the power .
Take care Phil. As has already been mentioned ... you know what to do and you know where to go.
Hey Phil, there's not much that I can say either, other than thanks so very much for being here with this post. Your honesty has moved me deeply. I still struggle with honesty. Maybe, b/c of what you have posted, I don't need to struggle anymore, b/c you have set an example of what a truly honest person can be and can do.
I'm praying for you man, just praying for your well being. You don't know much I have appreciated your post.
And also, it makes me realise just how much is about today. During my time in the fellowship, I've had days when I honestly thought that I'd never pick up a drink again. And, then I've had a drink or two, and thought, hey, everything's OK, now. I don't need to do this stuff anymore. And then I get back into the programme. I now know that the ONLY thing that can keep me from drinking is going to AA meetings and sharing the fellowship of other alkies. I know now that I need to cherish my sobriety TODAY, b/c tomorrow could be one of those days that I decide that just one pint of beer in a nice warm pub would be really nice.
Thanks for being here. Keep coming back, please: you never know just how much you're helping people like me.
Best wishes to you Phil.
Steve
-- Edited by SteveP on Sunday 22nd of November 2009 08:07:18 AM
You have been on my mind a lot, and thought I would share one thing that kept creeping into my thoughts, about your saying that you have the desire to stop, but the desire to drink is stronger. How about that 24 hour rule, you know the one that says, Yes I am going to Drink, but I am going to wait until tomorrow to drink, and get to a meeting, sober or not, and just try that 24 rule out. If we keep our drinking at bay, with Yep, going do it, but going to do it tomorrow, and keep it at the Perpetual Tomorrow, then maybe you could gain some 24 hours.
I see so much hope in you reaching out, sharing what was true for you yesterday. But Today is a brand new day.
For many years, I let the pain of what I had caused others just keep me away from any hope of getting sober, I just kept that all in secret inside, and did not know how to ever deal with it, then almost over my own dead body, did the loving arms of GOD, as I understand God, and the open arms of AA show me the way out, with the working of the Powerlessness of this disease, and to the amends that by then were very old and toxic, but we get through them. And life begins again, for the very first time, ever, really.
With love and Prayers for you today, that you get back in the boat, that you always referred to, and if it is White Water River Rapids, more reason to let our hands reach back and catch you, try it, and you will see that we did in fact pull you all the way back into the Boat with us. WE NEED YOU!!! Phil.
Hey Phil Its amazing that my story is very much like yours. You know the answer but then you would lose your vacation from reality. You need to stop drinking long enough to let your rational side take over. The sooner you do that, the sooner you will get another 20 sober years started. We do not have that many of those here on earth. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Phil -- warm thoughts go out to you. Hoping you treat yourself well today and do not beat yourself up -- forgive yourself. Your higher power already has.
Don't get hung up on the 20 year thing....we all have only today. In all honesty I don't keep track of the time I am sober - I used to last time when I had -hey 20 years! Now I KNOW it is this one day, and only this one day that counts. I don't need to worry about the days that passed - just this one.
Howdy....Thanks for all the relpies and private messages..
2nd day of vibrating...doing the orange juice and contact stuff..meeting Tuesday night..
Its the same old story...
One picks up a drink..and forgets where they came from...and just how bad it WAS.You think that you can control it...and you DO for a while..but unknowingly? It creeps up on you...and turns you into someone..that you DON't want to be..
Good god...
I went with a lady for 3 years..with many breakups.. The whole thing never had a prayer of working out...Not One.. Met a great girl last January...after another breakup...no problems ..no arguments..no big expectations..Great relationship...
But then what happened? I got sucked back in to the past relationship..and for 11 months..lived a double life..and lied my ass off all over the place...
Would I have done and pulled that crap if I was sober...NOT A CHANCE IN HELL.
How sick we can get...
Today...The lady I'm with has forgiven me for the past...and is still with me...
And this BIG KID..better get his ass in gear...and brain on track...And I know that AA and a Higher Power..can do that..
I cant do it on my own.
YOU all have a good day...
And STAY SOBER...
Its not fun out there..at all
love
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Live each day as if it were your last...because tomorrow?
It might be.
logic in it, it takes me no where but to despair. It's just not worth it!!