Man, The Program is a re-birthing that brings me to experiences I would never have had. Closures that I would never have had. The freedom to love and be loved like the kid I was before my childhood turned to a big ugly sh*tstorm.
Okay, it's the ex-fience again. The one from "Bit off wayyyy more than I can chew". Excerpt from old post about a Step 9 amends done before I was ready...
She told me that the pain I caused her 16, 17 years ago still impairs her to this day. I saw for the first time how truly & deeply I had hurt this woman who I once swore to care for and protect forever. I immediately stopped resenting her for leaving me. Without my 16 year-old shield of resentment I REALLY feel the guilt and shame of my wrongs. It hit me like a sledgehammer in the chest.
Since then we have corresponded sporadically and acknowledge the bad ending, but also the good parts of what was for both of us, our "first love."
Now we seem to be becoming friends. The pain, loss and regret that I carried around for 16 years is gone. I'm also giving her a vehicle for her to heal as well. Now that she knows how much of our problems were my selfish alcoholic nature, she can let go of any fault she may be lugging around. I'm freeing her of some baggage, and she is freeing me of my biggest baggage. The baggage that kept me from loving my wife fearlessly with ALL my heart. The baggage that made me feel my education was a mistake because I blamed my dedication to my studies for costing me Her. For a year after she left me I started every binge with five shots in five minutes - one for every letter of her name and every year we were together.
Now, because I trust God to help me do what's right and allow myself to be an extension of my Creator's will, I see that God never meant me any harm. There's a Goddess, too, and she took this woman's hand, placed it on my shoulder and said "I forgive you." I can never loathe myself, if The Goddess deems me worthwhile.
Tears run down my cheeks as my heart swells with joy. Fetters and shackles fall. Years and years of jagged pain rusted and fused to my soul have been shaken loose and lie in a pile around my feet. I feel the hand of Grace. I feel the hand of Grace. I feel the hand of Grace.
Every hangover. Every broken promise. Every broken heart. Every wrecked car. Every vandalized property. Every savage brawl. Every humiliating, drunken failure. Every selfish act. Every disregard for human dignity. They all led me to AA. They all led me to Grace. They all led me to this healing process and every disgraceful act was worth it, for what I feel right now.
The single heaviest burden on my soul is being lifted.
Damn, I'm glad I didn't kill myself when I had the chance!
Ha ha - yeah, Dean! Ya know, that movie was based on my life...or did I base my life on that movie?
The year after she got wise and dumped me, I had three jobs; pizza man, pawn shop guy and short-order in a dive-bar. Pizza-man=free food. Pawn shop = deeply discounted stuff, daily cash and a get-high-all-day job. Short order cook meant FREE BOOZE!!!! I practically LIVED at that bar for almost a year. If the bar called and needed me for a three hour shift at $5/hr I would call in sick to Pizza place 8 hr shift at $7/hr...for the $30 in FREE BOOZE I would consume and a chance at a new STD.
yea Rob, I worked at pizza hut for a year. one day the manager (a korean guy named Wally Chew no kidding lol) called us into a meeting. He started ranting immediately. "you people drink too much beer, beer profits down by $800 per month..." half of us were trying not to laugh. One night I was feeling particularly good (read drunk) and I was tossing the pizza pie crust up in the air, like the Italians do (trying hard to be a pro pizza maker) and it came down on a waitresses head. It was an extra large crust, was a direct hit, and covered everything on her from the shoulders up. Of course the tray of dirty dishes, glasses, and beer mugs, she was carrying, went immediately on the floor. Wally Chew chewed my ass "What Are You Doing?!!!! You're not in Italy, you're at pizza hut..."
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 18th of November 2009 09:46:54 AM
Your JOY about being in this awesome life saving, 12 Step Program is a little contagious, Thank You, felt just like I got a shot in the arm of some of it. And probably the first shot in my arm, ever, that I did not wince at first.....
Hope your day continues with your bubbling over inside Joy.
Love all that you write, well I keep saying that, cause you keep writing so much upbeat happy stuff about your wonderful life.
A big hug to you,
Tonicakes ------------------------------------------------- Dean, what a visual with the doughhead pizza lady, lmao, was wondering, if you still worked there after that event, and if so, was she you new best friend???
-- Edited by Just Toni on Wednesday 18th of November 2009 01:50:39 PM
This would be a dream come true for me if such grace were to come. Obviously my willingness will precede it with a good working of 6 & 7. I have an amend I'm still flummoxed with despite spiritual consultations & I'm still not sure what to do. I need to pray & hopefully have revealed what is necessary for me to know in order to move forward. This person is an ex & haunts my dreams. I don't want to interrupt or cause any unrest in that person's life.
It's been a few years now & besides the emotional upset I put him through I spent money of his without permission after feeling like he owed me. Maybe it's my resentment or self justification I need to work with so that I can get to the amend. I am happy to make financial amends but I don't know how much. It was a little bit complicated. This has been the worst one for me & I hate how it's dragged on. It will be like the 4th dimension for me if all comes out as it's meant to one day.
Thank you for sharing your inspiration. It is good to know these things can happen for us. Godbless, Rob :) Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Danielle, If I had taken my sponsor's advice I would have never attempted the direct amends. Your reluctance shows me your real respect for "except when to do so would harm them or others." For all I knew at the time, it could have gone horribly wrong, but Grace was with us both and it hasn't. I intend to keep it that way by respecting limits and boundaries and with Grace, we may become friends. Throwing away five years seems like such a waste, if we can turn it into something that comfortably fits our lives now.
I have a wrong on my list that direct amends would have harmful results. I will make that amends via God's Cosmos and do some volunteer work.
I have delved some into my past 7 year relationship with my alcoholic ex, and made a couple ammends....but I don't stress over it too much and I consider it a mostly even slate cuz we both did nasty and awful things to each other. It was a sick relationship with 2 sick alcoholics. Making ammends there could so easily turn into "Well you did this" "Oh yeah well you did THIS"...ugh...Besides he doesn't have a program and there is a chance that I might call him up and he'd be drunk. That would suck and be a little traumatizing.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
And to all that have contributed to this thread. It was sort of interersting, I did not want to address the real issue of making amends to someone from my past, he was no longer with us, had commited suicide 1 year before my real Recovery began.
He had a lot of circumstances in his life, missed out on a big promotion that he had waited for for many many years, and also he had built a beautiful home on a hillside, and the house had been completed for several years, it was in a part of California where sometimes they have these underground shift, and they destroy homes, well it happened to him home, it was one of his real loves, and he had so much pride in building it. Put these two thing together, and yes I was now married to my second husband after we had been estranged for about 2 years, but on the inside, my heart still had a giant pain in it, we caused each other so much pain, and that is why we ultimate said, no let's not do this anymore......but it was left with absolutely no closure, and when a friend of his and mine, looked me up and called me, it felt just like someone ripped open that old wound with a sledgehammer.
It took several years to wait for this new raw and horrible painful feeling to someday fade just a little, it took many many years, and in my years of Recovery, I have made Amends to him, in silently talking to him, and whether real or not, it was something I had to do for my own sense of closeuse. Also did it through Prayer, and felt that my HP would for sure give him the messages of my heart.
So when reading the Post the other morning, said to myself, no not going there today.....but I needed to come back and tell my truth about the subject matter too. And not just say thanks folks for the humor, which I had done.
I never did like "let it be". It was a song that signaled the end of the Beatles, like some sort of dirge. My favs were written and song by George (another great pisces lol). He was the most underrated of the Beatles and quietly the most enlightened . John Lennon put on a good show though lol.
Here Comes the Sun
Something (in the way she moves)
While my guitar gently weeps
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he also sang
Eight days a week
Roll over Beethoven
Tax Man
I me me my
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Solo efforts
All things must pass
My Sweet lord
Give me Love
Dark Horse
It don't come easy
Isn't it a pity
Got my mind set on you
Cloud Nine
I highly recommend
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 22nd of November 2009 01:10:10 AM
Man, The Program is a re-birthing that brings me to experiences I would never have had. Closures that I would never have had. The freedom to love and be loved like the kid I was before my childhood turned to a big ugly sh*tstorm.
Ha ha - yeah, Dean! Ya know, that movie was based on my life...or did I base my life on that movie? 
Thank You, felt just like I got a shot in the arm of some of it. And probably the first shot in my arm, ever, that I did not wince at first.....