Been going to two meetings a week since Oct 15th and always grateful and leave feeling more assured I am doing the right thing. But I still can't get comfortable, feel shy, nervous to share. I have confessed to only one other person about (re-) joining AA, I don't know.... somewhat embarrassed I guess. I feel humbled (is it?) or humiliated that I haven't got the tools to beat this thing on my own. Clearly, I don't want my friends, people I work with and family to know. Why is that?? Maybe pride... I hate to feel like I have this "other" life. I'd like to be free.. hope the time will come when I can openly admit or do I need. Lots of ???
thanks for sharing. I dont understand when you say you want to beat this thing on your own ? AA is not about beating alcohol on our own. The book states that we have a Higher Power to rely on. The tools are the steps, the book , a sponsor, and a God of our understanding.
Im wondering if you are utilizing all of these ? Do you have a sponsor that you can confide in ,seeing as you seem to be reluctant to share in the meetings ? You are newly sober, and maybe sharing just isn't coming easy for you right now. It might in the future tho
There is no rule or law that states you must tell family or friends that you are alcoholic. I didnt have to bother telling any of my family or friends ... they already knew !! I wasn't fooling anybody but myself if I thought I was hiding my drunkeness.
Keep going to meetings, find a same sex sponsor and start working the steps.
And remember please that your so called secret life is secret for a reason maybe. After all we are named Alcoholics Anonymous.
my own experience was that I did not really raise my hand for almost a year, yes, most of the time I would say, My name is Toni, and I am an Alcoholic, if asked, my would say I want to pass and listen today. For me I waited til it felt comfortable to me.
And secondly dear, just little opinion here, you can keep your Privacy for as long as you want, that how I feel, it really is no one else's business but yours, right.
Your pretty new at going to meetings, right? Have you ever found a woman that you would consider asking about Sponsoring you, that is the only contact that is suggested, but again, I say suggested only. It would really help you to have some phone numbers, maybe they have a phone list, for emergency sort of "May Day" Calls if you ever feel tempted by that part of our brains that think we should stop the meetings and have a drink, when and if that urge should raise it's ugly head, anyone on that list would understand that call, you would not even have to know them really, just call before you do anything. That is the only reason for personal contacts, in my little opinion too, AA is not a Social club, and I have never seen it as a place to find a friend, just on some rare occasions people that we get to know after some times, share a relationship, but it is more of an AA relationship, well that is how it has been for me.
And having a Sponsor would be the best FOR You, find a good one with a lot of time, and someone that you have listened to and you like what she has to say and seems to have things you want to someday accomplish in the Program, and she would have been perfect to for bouncing this question of it being a Secret Life, as opposed to simply privacy, that is simply always just your own right.
Hugs to you and so happy to see you here posting.
Hope to share more with you in the future Carlotta.
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Tuesday 17th of November 2009 07:43:15 PM
Howdy, I learned Alcoholism is a disease not a moral weakness. I really needed to get out of the "BAD BOY NAUGHTY NAUGHTY " place. Kind of made it easier to live in my skin. Questions are very good. Helps with finding "To thine Own Self Be True ".
Thank to all for the feedback. I do have a sponsor .. just haven't talked to her very much. She works by appointment and our times of availability clash. I am beginning to learn the culture of the program.. it really is unique. Sort of like a church family, you go, share, listen, get strengthened and leave until the next meeting. I like what you said Toni about "privacy", it belongs to me until I decide to share it. Blessings to you all. -c-
How Carlotta, it takes time to find your sober identity and become comfortable with it. It will happen, just be patient. For me, It was somewhere between year 2 and 3 that I settled down and was confident about my life and association with AA, and had a real good group of AA friends. It was then that I felt very comfortable letting people around me, that weren't in the program, know that I didn't drink and if they asked I may or may not tell them about AA. These days I don't care at all. I had a real estate guy ask me today if he knew me from somewhere else (happens a lot to me) and I asked him if he "was a friend of Bill W. He looked at me funny and I immediately told him that that was code for AA and that I'd been a member for quite awhile. He smiled and said "good for you, that's quite an accomplishment" people are going to react in a manner that reflects the attitude in which you tell them. So I keep it light hearted and try and make it humorous and they others always take it well.
As for sharing in meetings. You'll feel a lot more comfortable if you attend some beginners meetings.
Carlotta, One of the many beautiful things about this program is that it's kind of like high-quality long underwear: it fits everyone who wears it perfectly and nobody but you has to know you're warm, cozy and comfortable. Sobriety is a custom fit, and everyone's ass looks good in it.
We're as anonymous as we want to be. I've chosen to tell most of the closer people in my life, just to help prevent awkwardness like why I won't drink with them. I've told the people I have to make amends to, of course. I generally don't tell my clients, unless I owe them an amends or unless I have a solid 12th step opportunity.
You SHOULD feel great after a meeting; that's what they're there for. I'm happy for you that meetings give you strength.
Don't feel weak, or inadequate for not "having the tools to beat this thing on your own". Neither do I. Steps 1-3 summarize as; I can't, He can, I'll let Him.
Hang in there. One day at a time, Sister. You're doing the right thing and we're proud of you.
Your Friend, Rob
-- Edited by Aquaman on Tuesday 17th of November 2009 09:35:10 PM
This is really great everyone, thanks again for reading and responding... I just got home from a Big Book meeting, what I learned tonight was "keep coming to the meetings, the comfort will kick in at some point", so I am encouraged to continue and not feeling so much like a "fish out of water". I realize more why now I need to be anonymous around my friends and family.... this is what I will hear. "oh for goodness sake, there is nothing wrong with you, you don't need AA, I've seen you drink, you don't get drunk...", I will get disrespectful feedback. The good thing, I meet with a strong group on Wednesdays nights, tremendous wisdom & experience... sounds like some of you guys. So for now, until I am stronger, I will be sensitive to who I share my secret life with. I really, really love the AA fellowship. It makes sooooo much sense. Cheers 'til next time. Carlotta
Hey Carlotta, what helped me was the honesty of the program. As it crept more and more into my life, I ended up just carrying that honesty into my social life and though I did not advertise that I was a drunk, I simply told people trying to push drinks on me that I was "quitting" because I had become a professional. When you look at what you are doing, you can be very proud of your efforts and really anyone who would think less of you for your valient effort are really not someone who's opinion matters too much. Hang in there. Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Carlotta, You're right about something there. I did have a couple of people who said "you're not an alcoholic, I've seen you drink like a normal person."
They were the people who a) missed drinking with me, b) didn't like how closely our patterns matched, or c) just don't understand the disease.
a) & b) are painful friends to lose, but if I have to I will and be there for them if they want what we have. c) are not my job to teach, unless I'm writing Public Service Announcements
Carlotta, I would not confuse the words private or anonymous with "secret." As you stated, secret implies shame and there is no shame involved here...at least there need not be. It was something I was very open with from the get go because people saw a drastic difference in me very early in terms of the way I looked. I lost my alcohol gut, was not holding my head at work and trembling, etc... My family knew because I needed their help moving after breaking up with my partner (which I had to do to get sober). My mother tried to say I was not an alcoholic. I reminded her of a period when I was briefly living at home and she found a bunch of bottles and asked if I had a problem. Also told her she didn't see the worst of it...but that's just my family... I've always run to them asking for help and this has been more about me getting help and growing up in AA and not having to do that any more. Also, I kind of think that the more sober time you accumulate and the more AA becomes part of the way you live your life, you won't want to keep it private as much. One thing to remember about sharing in meetings...it is old school for newcomers to listen and not speak, but the culture now seems to also be that the newcomer has an important message. For example, you shared this and Toni responded how she was in the same spot for a year. She probably does not want to go through that again and she can also identify with you so it helps both of you. That is why it is good for newcomers to tell it like it is cuz as time passes, we all have "forgetters" built into our heads. Also, if your sponsor isn't that available, you can keep your eyes out for a new one. My first sponsor was hardcore about 90 meetings in 90 days, calling him every day, and getting phone numbers...This is because I had no friends, no support system and I was a daily hardcore drinker... I would not have maintained sobriety for the first few months without complete submersion into AA. I still go to 6 meetings a week most of the time cuz I am scared of going backwards and cuz I enjoy meetings for the message and the fellowship amongst other things.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Maybe pride... I hate to feel like I have this "other" life. I'd like to be free.. hope the time will come when I can openly admit or do I need. Lots of ???
