Wow.. What can I say about our International Convention in Malta, hey lol Well, I thoroughly enjoyed it although I felt I had a cranky head at times. I was out of my comfort zone & I have to say I'm not brilliant at holidaying yet as it's something I never really got into in my drinking days. I was always glued indoors in some pub or at home with my comforts & my drink so a venture out into new territory is always a positive challenge for me.
I was also in the 24/7 company of my boyfriend which was an experience too lol I've realised I have intimacy issues in that I don't like to be around anyone for too long. My flaws come to the fore you see & if not by word or action they will defo have a go in my head so in all my ill-ease my focus can turn to judgement of him for things that I might resent in myself like getting older & steadily, physically falling to bits or at least needing more exercise.
So often I hear Carl mention where he came from & how he was & my nose begins to crinkle, turn up & I feel an internal 'humph!' lol Who Am I?????? I need to be grateful for all the horrid places he's been in the past hence why he's able to be so loving & tolerant towards me & my numerous faults (I realise now lol) I'm glad I had my Step10 in place to hold my tongue so that I didn't hurt him with my insecurity. I held it until I got to speak to my sponsor today, phew. A call sooner wouldn't have hurt lol
We had a lovely time though. I think probably about 50-60 people came & went over the weekend & the whole event seemed to have a gentle flow to it. There was a healthy presence of Al anon about too which complimented beautifully & especially from alcoholics who attended both fellowships. I gained alot from them. People shared their ESH by microphone which I was well daunted by & watched it buzz about the room with a nervous eye while it collected honey from each blooming flower lol I eventually put my hand up Saturday night & shared too.
Given that I was in a funny place mentally, spiritually & emotionally I found this convention sort of sharing different to normal meetings in that people who shared were really just wanting to share about the positives & nobody was saying how they might have been struggling that day or recently. The shares seemed to me to have a more speechlike quality but when I bared my soul & shared from my heart my weaknesses & vulnerability I was grateful to simply be hearing whatever anyone wanted to share. I guess prior to that I was a bit resentful that people weren't being a little more 'in the moment' but it wasn't for me to judge & it was good for me to feel like a newcomer all over again & somewhat out of my depth lol
The meetings & shares travelled in a gentle way towards a crescendo & round up of overall gratitude & unity & I really felt like I'd been on another A.A. adventure with evermore being revealed to me & my wings being strengthened. I felt like I learned alot & have so much more to bring home to my local fellowship. The message gets stronger for me & I'm constantly seeing how much more my program can grow. It takes so much effort to get good at this & I was humbled by the progress I saw in my brothers & sisters. I enjoyed a new teachability flowing into me & I realised again there are no limits to this.
My own fears & judgementalism are my worst enemy. Something inside me wants to sabotage & keep me small. I don't know why I have an innate compulsion to try & underachieve despite my striving at all costs. It's like I have two forces within me. One straining forward & the other trying to hide lol I had a great growing time in Malta. I met more of the beautiful people we have in our fellowship & I'm glad I spoke of my insecurities & misgivings around challenges in recovery like my 12th step work & basic responses to lifeskills! My sponsor's sponsor came & a few other oldtimers reached out to me giving me a touch of HP & that's what it's always been about for me too. Like when I was new, there is always others who will share something of their recovery with me for inspiration & I'm never too sober to learn.
I am grateful to the Maltese people & our other nationalities living there for extending their hospitality to us worldwide. The convention had a great & broad flavour to it whilst at the same time was of a size intimate enough to provide a chance to get to know & socialise with more of our fellows as we could. Spending time with Avril & her partner JC was lovely & I loved that I was able to spend time with someone from MIP. I hope we all get opportunities to meet some of us in the future. I love my fellowship. Thank you all for being with me in my life & recovery.
I haven't given a great deal of detail around the event but I hope you have an idea now. Maybe I can say a little more in the next few weeks if it comes up :) Godbless you all, Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I have really been wanting to hear about the convention from you or Avril. Thank you so much for sharing from your heart and giving us some honest personal details about how the convention was for you. I admit when the information was first posted I couldn't remember where Malta was, and as a newcomer, didn't know there are international AA conventions.
I found all this especially touching to read today. Last night I attended and did service for our local district gratitude banquet. About 350 people were there. I was very anxious about how it would be to participate in such a huge social event. Many different emotions overcame me. It felt good to read about how it went for you internally. Ultimately, I was glad that I did it, and I got someone in their first 30 days to go with me, and of course, I am grateful to her, because she helped me not focus on my own fears, but stay sober together for a wonderful 24. I am uncomfortable in social situations, and yet I ended up driving the honored guest speaker to her hotel!
Wow, thank you so much for sharing the inner emotions of this trip, and the entire event. Happy that overall, it was a very good learning tool, and it had some great moments to it for you.
So happy too that you are home and in your own comfort surroundings.
Thank you so much for telling us all about it.
Cakecheeks
PS, I took most of my response and put it in PM to you, thought it belonged there more than here on the Board.
-- Edited by Just Toni on Monday 16th of November 2009 02:27:35 PM
Thank you Danielle. I appreciate you speaking from the heart and providing us with the details on how you really felt inside. I need to hear that. I get into a funk now and then thinking folks with years of sobriety never have off movements. It comforts me to know that we alcoholics can and will be off now and then regardless of how long we've been sober. I appreciated your share.
Thank you all so much for your loving return to my honesty. I was a little feared up that you would read & judge me whilst I shared my feelings of weakness & uncertainty. I really worried you'd be unimpressed & disappointed in my 'lacklustre' sobriety & feeling 'less than' nature. I had half a mind to delete my post before any of you saw it lol
Just shows where I've been at right now. Feeling a little doubtful in myself & insecure but I'm still going for it, y'know. I've got my program working on all cylinders & I am handing over daily. There's a few pressures going on for me at the moment re study & new job seeking. I'm facing up to all responsibility & getting alot done including taking two ladies through the steps which is helping me too. I'm leading at my AA home group plus starting out on my Coda program.
My job is finishing soon so I have some financial insecurity but have prepared for it. I'm balancing working nights with family life, domestic life, love life, online life, exercise, spiritual discipline & service. I know we're all busy & it's just what we do while we're recovering 1Day@aTime but it's good for me to acknowledge what may be rocking my boat whilst I'm being glad to be sober & have these opportunities to keep on growing.
I am grateful & I am deeply made up that you have empathised with me here & let me know that despite whatever is going on for me & whether I'm feeling strong or not I still have a capacity to be helpful. Thank you. I am grateful. Thank you for reflecting to me the best of what you see. It is a God's grace.
I will leave you with my favourite memory from the weekend.. I had been struggling to surrender & let go of my self all weekend & had been bouncing from mood to mood to mood without being able to say my step 3, 7 & 11 prayers in the morning or through the day. I was getting no emotional or mental rest. Come Sunday & the final round up we all sat waiting for the last member's share. Abdul opened up with a story or two of some who he'd heard just recently had died or not got this.
In a little while he paused & then suggested we all just relaxed, took a moment to truly be still, quiet & meditate. While our silence engulfed the room & left us each to our own inner in unity I found my peaceful place inside & sank into where all my prayers are said & heard. I felt my step prayers & my tears streamed from my closed eyes down my face in grateful relief. The several minutes we took were the perfect amount of time for me to complete my prayers in utter conscious contact. It was beautiful & I felt you all there too. Bless you, Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Brilliant honesty Danielle, as you know I had a number of weird experiences at my earlier conventions, but I do beliieve they are stepping stones to the bridge to normal living. I was usualy an emotional wreck after every convention I went to, and after each one I vowed never to go to another one, but my sponsor had other ideas, and told me I had to feel the fear and do it anyway (Great book that one if you haven't read it)
She always told me that I woud achieve nothing by running away from uncomfortable situations and she was right. I am not a great convention goer nowadays, but since we go to Malta at least once a year, we make the convention as well, WHY?? Because it's there.
The two guys from Plymouth, Craig and Ashley, have posted their Malta pics and their dolphin swim pics on facebook, they're amazing. It's Craig's 21st Birthday on 20th, what a great life that kid has to look forward to getting into AA at such an early age.
__________________
Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
