clarity

debbi · Member

clarity

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

If this is a quiz, #2 and #3- being a suggestion of Alanon for you.

I have a good friends in the rooms of AA who are going through this situation, I know it's horrible and painful for a parent. I wish you the best, Angela

-- Edited by angelov8 on Sunday 8th of November 2009 02:11:00 AM

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Debbi,

alanon is a good suggestion, however I got a lot more help in Codependents Anonymous

http://www.codependents.org/

As for you and your son, by enabling him, you're helping him kill himself. I was very active with drinking and drugs at his age and getting clean and sober didn't become a priority till I was 27 and I didn't really commit to working hard for it till I was 29. He's never going to hit bottom if people keep placing pillows under his @$$. You have a life, and your job as a parent is over. He's an adult and needs to face consequences and eventually get sick of them. We call it "getting sick and tired of being sick and tired".

If he's brought illegal substances into your home, have you thought of having the police come and get him? He's probably safer in jail than running the streets chasing after drugs. He'll face some consequences and he won't bring substances to your house again and think of it as a safe house. When my sponsor did this For his son, I thought it was a drastic step. His son is about halfway through serving a 5 year sentence, but guess what? He clean and sober and improving his spiritual life. He's also become a great artist and learned several skills and trades.

If you ask what motivated any of us to get sober, you'll hear that we got tired or scared of the consequences. For me it was losing my mind and my freedom. It got to the point that I was so scared of getting arrested that I didn't want to leave the house most nights and I was having hallucinations regularly from drinking. By the time I reached 29 I'd had enough and the fear of more of the same outweighed the fear of a change.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Yeah, that sounds like an awful and difficult situation. He has a long way to go but at 25...enabling him any further is going to hurt him more than help him. The longer this goes on (while your heart is meaning well) he is becoming functionally retarded. I speak of this from my own experience of being enabled and pulling enabling from my parents and romantic partners. There are a few simple reasons why you need to cut the strings with love... 1. What would happen to him if you weren't around? 2. You are afraid he's going to die but having been to the place you are describing....he is virtually dead right now anyhow. What you described is no kind of life for him...or you. Only he can choose life or death right now. 3. You have to have your own life... No matter how sad or lonely it might feel and how much it fills you with worry. YOU only get to live once and clinging on to misery is not healthy for YOU.

If he goes out (meaning out of your house) and chooses to continue drinking and using and horrible things happen...that isn't your fault. You have tried your hardest. Prayers are with you.

Mark

jasperkent · Senior Member

Debbi, I am terribly sorry about your son and your own situation. I agree with everything that's already been said-- especially about you getting the help you need from Alanon or Codependents Anonymous. It would be a double tragedy if you fall completely apart. Save yourself. You are worth it.

PS- If he's on prescribed psych meds, the booze & dope will negate them. However, if he were institutionalized he'd have a chance to dry out while the meds did their work. Then he might have a moment of clarity and decide to help himself. I went to rehab 4 times, psych wards & jail too many times to count before I finally got serious about sobriety.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Debbi... If you click off the AA main page and then click onto the Al-Anon
board page you will have a wealth of experience strength and hope in less time
than it takes to grab the mop and wash down the kitchen floor. Being the mom
of an alcoholic addict isn't for whimps but this disease will take down even the
best of parents or spouses, friend, family, associates and unaware people in the
community. Try the suggestion and as a member of that program also I will
be in support.

(((((hugs))))) smile

ljc · MIP Old Timer

He's your son and you love him. You cant stand to sit back and watch him do what he is doing to himself. And thats the thing .... he is doing it to himself.
Its not anything you have done or are doing.
It really hits us in the heart when our kids behave this way. I know.

I really hope you will search out Alanon in your area and get the help you need & deserve.

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Debbi -

I can't add much to what's already been said. CODA is a darn good program.

I've dealt with this as well and have seen my kids wind up in jail or homeless, but when they saw that the parents weren't going to come to the rescue, they got their acts together.

A friend where I work is going it through it too. And I often tell him an old Chinese proverb...

"We teach a child to walk. But that doesn't mean we buy him shoes for the rest of his life."

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Debbi,
Nothing further to add. You've got some great advice from people who've walked before you. I'm just wishing you the best of luck. Prayer's sent your way.

leeu · MIP Old Timer

relate much-sent an e-mail-use the 12 steps (incl AL-Anon-CODA-Nar-Anon), for yourself, they are life-saving

-- Edited by leeu on Monday 9th of November 2009 07:53:08 PM

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Hi Debbi, like the last few posters on her, nothing to add other than to say thanks for being here. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Best

Steve

Carlotta · Veteran Member

Hello Debbi:
My heart was pounding in my throat as I read your post....I am so sorry you have to endure such trouble. I feel your powerlessness, but you do have choices....read your replies and take the suggestions.... be assured of prayer.
Take care of yourself!!
Carlotta