Would it be a surprise that for this alcoholic who is a therapist and has never gone 6 months in adulthood without being in some kind of relationship, that I have some serious people pleasing and codependency issues? I knew coming into AA that codependency was the most major thing feuling my alcoholism. Others here may disagree and say I drank cuz I wanted to drink and alcohol is alcohol. Yeah, my drinking was totally out of control and that behavior alone was insane. However, it was also a bandaid to deep feelings that I couldn't take care of myself and that I am not happy unless I am making other people happy all the time. I have been going to AA for over a year now and I know that working this program is like peeling a dirty ass onion...taking away layers of dead stuff to get to the core of what makes me function and then changing it. At this point though, I'm thinking I need some serious CODA...I could also qualify for Alanon after being in a relationship with another alcoholic for 7 years prior to AA (and that warped my thinking about how things should be in relationships). I don't want to be part of like 5 billion 12 step fellowships though and keeping my alcoholism in remission a day at a time is a good accomplishment. I am trying hard to make some major changes yet again in terms of how I deal with others though. This means, I do not go to work with the intention of making kids happy. That is not my job as a therapist (even if it was part of my warped motivation to become one). I am trying to do God's will for me and if it means being strict and having kids friggin hate me at times...so be it. I am not there to be their friend. 99 percent of them make friends and manipulate them anyhow so being their "friend" is REALLY not what they need. Making these changes is hard though because of course now I feel invalidated when my validation should have never come from my clients in the first place. I know I was and am a good therapist....BUT, I can be better coming from a healthier place. Also, it is still hard for me to ponder change without thinking I need to still change everything about me and that everything in my life is wrong. I guess that is why there is a page 417 telling me acceptance is the answer. I guess what I am saying is that I keep going through periods of thinking I need a new job, new boyfriend...blah blah when I deeply know I just need a new me. The "new me" is in progress, it just doesn't happen at the speed I want. Any suggestions on dealing with all the other changes you really know you need to make after being sober just a little while (13 months)? I find that whenever I get to thinking about the changes I need to make...I get all screwy in the head because, ultimately, I have no idea what I need and that is part of what got me to the rooms. If left to my own devices, I will make a lot of bad choices because what I want is a whole lot different than what I need. Time to stop thinking so hard. Some of you with clearer brains might steer me better.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Quit wasting your time trying to win somebody over thats never going to be won over. Quit trying to make somebody love you that are never going to love you. Quit trying to make somebody be your friend when they're never going to be your friend. If you have to constantly play up to them and convince them your important and talk them into spending time with you, that is a battle thats not worth fighting. You need to have the attitude, " I know I have something great to offer, I know I am one of a kind with a great personality. And Im not going to try to live my life trying to make ppl love me or trying to convince them that Im good enough. Im going to let that go and start trusting God to bring me divine connections .. ppl that will celebrate who I am ".
One reason ppl will never accept us is because they're so insecure. Never give you a compliment, never let you in their group because they're intimidated or threatened by you. The way they express that insecurity is to try and push you down so they look bigger. They minimize so they can equalize. They will diminish who you are, what you have to offer, and your accomplishments so they wont look so small. You're never going to change ppl like that. Thats a battle thats not worth fighting. If you let it go , God will bring ppl into your life that add value rather than take it away, ppl that will celebrate who you are and be happy for you when you succeed, not ppl who find fault and get jealous.
You dont have to convince others to like you, you dont have to buy ppl off. If they dont want to be your friend, just have the attitude .. To bad for you , you dont know what you're missing out on. When you quit fighting those battles, thats when God will begin to bring ppl into your life that will celebrate you.
Remember .. we dont have to fight battles to prove to ppl who we are, try to win over our cities, or be somebody we are not, or play up to someone to get them to like us. We just need to be ourselves and save our energy for the relationships that truely count and are divinely connected.
I dont know if this will help or not Mark. But I like it, and it makes perfect sense to me. I would suggest you pray about all of what you are feeling and ask God to help you learn to be satisfied with what you have at the time. If its time to change .. ( jobs, location, etc, ) then pray about that too. The right answers will come if our own house is in order.
I think you said it best ... that you need to stop thinking so hard
Thank you so much LJC! That was freakin awesome. This is what I really need to learn. I will try not to obsess over it as I tend to do...but damn...that really hit me square in the face cuz it described a lot of the things I do to a Tee. Either way, I can feel good today cuz it is progress and not perfection...and dang...1 year is decent but still early in sobriety. Time, working this program, and faith will steer me in the right direction and I don't have to rip myself to change so drastically and quickly....this has held true thus far in AA and knowing that helps me let it go while also still knowing this isn't going to change overnight. Thanks again...truly.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Picked this up in an Email...seemed to help my thinking also regarding codependency and fear of making it on my own:
Very Precious Thing From: "Loneliness to Solitude" There are two sides of man's being alone. In our language, loneliness expresses the pain of being alone. Solitude expresses the glory of being alone.
What happens to us in AA that makes it possible for us, not only to endure, but to enjoy moments of solitude? What changes our loneliness to solitude?
The love and understanding we find in AA are a protective curtain between ourselves and the aching aloneness of our drinking days. The first few weeks, some of us spend most of our time in an AA club talking with others. Then it becomes evident that we must go to work and somehow meet the demands and responsibilities of our daily lives. We are afraid. Will the old loneliness hit us again when we are out of the actual presence of other AA members?
Sooner or later, by practicing the principles of the Twelve Steps, we find in ourselves a very precious thing, something inside that we can be comfortable with regardless of whether we are at home by ourselves or anywhere else that life takes us.
AA members are not emotional cripples who need someone to hold their hands every moment of the day and night to prevent their falling. We grow up with the help of God, as we understand Him, and the fellowship of the group, and by applying the Twelve Steps to our lives.
1973, AAWS, Inc., Came to Believeâ¦, page 109
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Pink, I just read a book my sponsor loaned me called, "There's More to Stopping Drinking Than Stopping Drinking", by Dr. Paul O. (I think). Glancing over this thread again, I thought you might like the chapter on communication. I may not even be hitting in the ball park here, but was thinking about this book because there's a whole chapter on not thinking so much! It's a funny and thoughtful book anyway. I believe he was a counselor. If you haven't already looked at it, perhaps the dual AA and therapy connection might be interesting to you.
-- Edited by angelov8 on Sunday 8th of November 2009 02:05:56 AM
can't help but notice my reluctance to open this topic. I do have this character defect and it's one that keeps popping it's ugly head up after I've thought that I've dealt with it. Some of the downsides for me are the expectations that are attached to my people pleasing. It's not normal to think of others and get resentments when they don't reciprocate, but somehow I keep bs-ing myself that it is and most "normal" people these days are self centered and mannerless ( <- not a word lol ). What I need to do is care less (and find some coda meetings )
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 8th of November 2009 06:57:51 AM
