Batman Begins - Bruce Wayne's Dad (or Alfred, I can't recall) "Why do we fall down, Bruce? So we can learn how to get back up again."
I'm better for the experience. Didn't spiral. Now I know - gotta work that program hard without fail. No lapses. No renting any headspace to anger. God will step in as God sees fit. It did on Monday.
Remember way back, I dunno, three pages back or so "bit off waaayyyyy more than I can chew!"? Heavy post.
That ex-fiance that I attempted amends to messaged back yesterday. She recognized how brave and hard recovery is, and reminded me that once upon a time, before booze really gutted me, I was the kind of person she could count on to be there for her and that I should never forget that. In her way, she gave the hero I was for her permission to suit-up again. To cast off the rust, crust and mildew and be Me. She left the door open, too, if I need to share. Just a crack. Enough that I feel a little bit forgiven. Maybe this process can heal us both of a deep wound we inflicted on one another. Nothing would make me happier than to know that my recovery helped her, too. God willing.
Once upon a time, before I was half a man - I was someone's hero. That guy deserves my best work, and my wife and kids deserve that man; whole and ready to be their hero. I'm back, better than ever, one day at a time with the Grace of God and the millions of Friends I haven't met yet, and the dozens I have.
...Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us-- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." (from The AA Promises)
I learned something new every time I relapsed. Unfortunately, I'm a ssssllloooooowww learner. I' ve also learned something new every time I came back in, so it can be a blessing.
I love your humor and heroism; I am glad you stuck with the program and us here at MIP. Thank you for being honest about your experiences, especially the latest events. I work in a bar. Most of the time it's fine. Sometimes when I'm tired and they all unexpectedly leave me alone to lock up I can get edgy. I've never had the booze in my hand without the intention to serve it to someone else, but I know that if I slide in the program I could go there. I appreciate reading about another's experience about relaspe, it takes the mystery out of it and helps me. For example, when I listen to everyone's experience about drinking after being in AA, it helps me connect to the points in the whiskey and milk story in the BB. It feels like I am saying "thanks for having one for me", (so I don't have to?)which seems awkward. Not sure what I am trying to say, so I leave it that I'm glad you are here.
Sober and happy and grateful today. Thanks for all the hand-shakes and love. Please allow me to clear someting up a bit, as I may have mis-communicated.
That 'hero' I'm talking about is the man I was before I gave in to pain and defeat. He may have found his strength from a different place than I do now, but he was still a hell of a guy. Yeah, he was an alcoholic, but he wasn't an a**hole...yet. He gave of himself to others without reservation. He loved without fear. He still had enough Happy Kid in him that he was resilient and saw his yesterdays as wings, not chains.
The promise "we will neither regret the past nor wish to close the door on it" is coming true, in fits and starts, but it's coming true, and what I said about my ex's communication to me reflects that. Not every part of my past was a cluster-f**k of pain and shame. The healthier man I'm slowly becoming has more in common with that wide-eyed, "anything is possible" young man; the hero, than the jaded, cynical bastard who took his place.
That's who I mean when I reference The Hero. Maybe I used too many words...I'll do it in six; like Hemingway said to.
I understand you Rob. At one point I was captain of my college swim team, I graduated college with honors, I was president of my college honor's society....all kinds of things. Somewhere along the line I convinced myself I was a piece of crap and couldn't accomplish all the things I once thought I could. Easy does it yes. Keep it simple yes. But I am recovering and hope of becoming more whole is good. I don't want to be the same person I was in my early 20s because I was a totally neurotic overachiever whose entire self-esteem was based on academics at that time (and I was in the closet)...but I can move forward once again in some areas where I limited myself due to thinking I didn't deserve it and knowing it would interfere with my drinking.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
