Hello Torn:
It's clear you are in trouble with addiction but I feel that a good sponsor won't give up on you, I don't care how many times you relapse. That's what the program is about.... not giving up on ourselves (& others) no matter how many times we fail. It sounds like you are on the road to recovery "....I didn't enjoy the high..."; as uncomfortable as these betrayal and guilty feelings make us; we can be grateful for them because to me, those are the feelings that drove me to this board. I too wanted and still want the "clean & sober" and oh yes, I think you will be given the right time to tell the truth,  as soon as you see/talk  to him/her.  
Take care
Carlotta

-- Edited by Carlotta on Sunday 1st of November 2009 08:14:16 AM

Dods, I would be honest. If he tells you to go out and do some more drinking or smoking weed...SHOW him you don't want to, don't just tell him. You could inform him what is different this time and that you don't intend to take half measures such as thinking you can handle weed without leaping to alcohol. You did that this time...but you know you can't safely do that based on your nature and past behavior right? Besides, it sounds like you don't want to be a pothead either and didn't even enjoy it. AA does wreck your drinking and drugging...and I guess that's a good thing. Be honest and if he doesn't believe in you at all, show him different until he does....a day at a time. If he doesn't want to work with you any more, then you will find a new sponsor. This guy has seen a lot of your past of lying and going back on your word...if you want to be different and act different, a different sponsor might not be so bad. It's going to work out however it's meant to anyhow so save yourself the guilt and just be honest... Also, is he the type of sponsor you could call whenever you get the urge to drink or use? Does he even want to talk drugs? The way to utilize your sponsor would have been to call him as soon as you got that "I gotta escape sobriety" feeling. If you had talked then...he could have helped you. If you want this bad enough Adam, you will start doing those things with your sponsor and other alcoholics and addicts. If you are scared to tell him you want to drink or use...that relationship is not going to work at all. Of course you want to drink and/or use...you are an alcoholic/addict right? Those types of calls should be expected by a sponsor who has a sponsee who is struggling. Why not start with acknowledging you did a half measure and disappointed yourself with a relapse (albeit not one that was your typically decent into total hell pattern). Don't worry about him. Focus on you. Your sponsor is a tool for you to channel your willingness. He won't keep you sober unless you do your part and call him at the right times (when you are having the drinking/using feelings and not after). Just my take.

Mark

Your sponsor isn't gonna keep you sober no matter what, He dont have that kind of power .

He tells you you're not done drinking cuz he doesn't think you are. Sure, we do this one day at a time but a good sponsor knows when somebody is ready to quit for good.

And besides, our own literature tells us , if we think we can drink like a gentleman, then go practice some controlled drinking, it might be worth a bad case of the jitters to get the facts about ourselves ( Im paraphrasing ), and chapter 7 tells Us not to waste our time on somebody that cannot or will not do the work, ( paraphrasing again ) ,it could spoil a later opportunity.

You mentioned you'd like to start Your program over again. Everytime I did that, I got drunk. When I got serious, I started THE program , not mine.

The guilt will most likely eat you up if you dont tell Him that you smoked pot, and he does deserve your honesty. He cant help you if you're not truthful with him.
He's hung with you thus far, he must feel there is something there.

I appreciate the wisdom/experience in everyone's response. Beyond a sponsor's understanding of things- relapses, cravingings, doubt,etc...he is a human and we are quite close and I know he will be disappointed or even a little angry. Guess I just don't want to disappoint him. Seems petty I'm sure. Anyways, thanks.

Heya Dods: dishonesty is a corrosive agent fpr me and will eat away at me and make me drink. I like what ljc said about fear being at the root of it. I am hard-wired to be dishonest b/c I am hard-wired to be fearful.

Fear was at the root of ALL of my dishonesty...and virtually all of my character defects.

Personally, if I allow dishonesty and fear to rule, I drink again. And to me, to drink IS to die.

All I can share is my own experience -- and I can guarantee that you don't want my experience in this regard.

Keep coming back -- it works if you work it! :)

Keep it honest Dods, because many times, all we have is our character and integrity. Your sponsor is human and is not perfect, so if he gets angry or disapointed, muscle through it. If he remains angry and it affects your sobriety, its time for a new sponsor. Honestly, this got my attention "he insists that I have some more drinking left, etc...go try some controlled drinking, etc...." That sort of raises a question about your plan. Is your plan to try hard until you give yourself permission to drink because your sponsor thinks "he insists that I have some more drinking left, etc...go try some controlled drinking, etc...." Its a bad cycle. I do not want to step into someone elses recovery, but we all have more drinking left because we are poweless over alcohol. We are drunks. What keeps us sober, is the concept that :
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
From this point, our HP is pretty much in charge. I have a problem with the "go do some controlled drinking" thing. I just don't think its anyone elses perogative to give you permission to drink. I just thought I would throw that in there, and if it comes across as too intrusive, please forgive me.

turninggrey & pinkchip- I have struggled with that concept of "being full", because as grey said, we all have at least one more drunk in us if we don't do what is needed for that 24hr reprieve (or so im told). Of course, if you would have come to me 3 years ago before I had gone to the hospital, jail, and rehab, you would have seen a guy far from done drinking even though I was alcoholic then too.

Well, I called my sponsor and admitted that I had gotten high and he calmly said "Ok, well put together a few more clean & sober 24hrs and maybe we can meet on Thursday". I have to say I was surprised that he didn't give me the usual flak. I actually turned my phone off for most of the afternoon yesterday with the plan to ignore the situation and possibly get high again and just call him some other time down the road. But, I turned my phone on and saw that he had left me a txt message about meeting up. I decided against getting high and was immediately relieved when I had. Thanks everyone for the sound advice; I took it and it was the right thing to do. *bows to the wisdom of the group*

The sick and twisted thing is, last night was my first night in a week without night sweats and shakes- so I feel good today, but that insane part of me whispers- "You'll feel even better with a few drinks" Yeah right, "a few". Time to go to a meeting!! Who's with me?

Thanks for the esh, hope everyone is having a clear-headed, sober day!



-- Edited by Dodsworth on Monday 2nd of November 2009 01:52:45 PM