Really new and have lots of frustration and questions

CeeCee · Member

Really new and have lots of frustration and questions

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

CeeCee wrote: Bill's response in bold

Well, I will start by saying that I am a hopeless alcoholic.
While ever there is breath in your body, there is hope

I can't tell you all how much I have appreciated reading your HOPEFUL posts. It can be done, can't it? I don't understand how I wake up bound and determined to get through the day living in God's will, then end up with a bottle in my hand. I have had a strong faith throughout my years as an alcoholic, so the step process makes sense to me. Now the hard part is why hasn't God answered my prayers and heard my cries of hopelessness now and in the past.
Prayers are great, but without action there not much use - I'm sure you know the phrase faith without works is dead.

How are the steps different for me.
No, they're the same for us all, grab them and start.

I am scared that his will may not be for me to get better. Is that possible? I am a Mom with two girls, that can tell if I have even had one sip. They know it so well. It is like being in chains. I want them to understand how much I hate it. They don't understand how I can continue and hate it at the same time.   I find myself at the liquor store and the cycle begins. It was not until recently that I learned that cutting back just doesn't work. There is never just one drink. One leads to another, leads to another. On a positive note, my husband supports me and hasn't given up on my sobriety, I have VERY close friends, a job that I love. (Have never drank during work). It is always at night at home.
Has anyone tried any of the medications that are used to deter the need to drink, along with doing the steps? I would do anything to stop. I started several years ago when I became very ill and had two very small children and a pilot for a husband. I was overwhelmed and I medicated for the physical and mental pain with a drink in the afternoon. But as you all know, when you are allergic to alcohol that is not the end of it. I had terrible heart problems and multiple surgeries. I just couldn't deal with it all. Then 2 yrs. ago I broke my back seriously.  I had fallen down a flight of stairs and burst some vertabrae. The agony was indescribable. I had major surgery and months in the hospital.  Because I was in the hospital and couldn't walk I was not drinking, and miraculously I did not become addicted to pain meds. I thanked God for that accident. I thought that was my chance to finally be sober.  (The fall was not due to alcohol. Though it could have been.) But once I got out of the wheelchair and walking I was right back with the bottle. In the hospital I met a guy, who had the identical injury I had. He was exactly the same age with two kids as well. He was permanently paralyzed. We got to know each other well, and he confided in me that he had been a recovering addict and had blown it the night of his accident.  That was the first person I ever admitted out loud that I thought I may have a problem.  Over the next few months we leaned on each other for support. With our addictions and our devastating injuries. I was about to go to my first AA meeting with him, and lo and behold I got a message that he died. Just like that. Young guy gone.  My drinking increased with the pain and depression. So here I am ready to be ALL the way sober. I have to be.
I am so sorry to have gone on so long. Most of you probably didn't get this far due to boredom. I love to hear your stories of success and where you came from in all this. I read a post recently where the person said that felt like they were bragging a bit about a running a marathon.   I can tell you. Those stories are precisely what gives me the motivation that this can be done.
God bless you all!

OK - if you are ready to stop drinking and you are ready to go to any lengths to do it???????????

Take your courage in your hands and put your fears in God's Pocket and go to a meeting. Today.

You can do this before you lose anymore.

ljc · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Ceecee , glad you are here .

Im Lori and Im an alcoholic. When I look back now, I remember those first few days, weeks and even months of not drinking. It wasnt the easiest thing Ive done in my life, but I do remember that every day that went by it got a little easier.

I know what Gods will is for me. It is to be a decent, law abiding, loving, caring, giving, forgiving human being. I have been chosen by Him to live , instead of die a slow drunken death.
God has in fact given me one more chance to change my life around and I pray that I dont screw it up again. ( I messed around in AA meetings for 2 yrs before my last drunk ).

I finally came to the stark realization that booze was gonna kill me if I didnt stop drinking. And , I realized as well that God was not gonna take that bottle out of my hand. That was MY job. He would and will help me get thru the ruff days without it, but He is not gonna sprinkle any magic sober dust on me. Getting and staying sober takes work.

Like has already been mentioned ...

What are you willing to do to stay sober ?

carlasober · Senior Member

Welcome. Keep Coming Back!

CeeCee · Member

Thank you so much for your input and responses. I have been engulfed in the BB. It is amazing. I am just starting the steps. I, in no way expect that there is a magic wand that would cure me.
I guess, in my own world, I wonder how I could have become an alcoholic knowing God and understanding i need to live in His Will. I feel sad that happened. And, it scares me a little that I succombed despite that relationship. Maybe He needed me to go thru this to paint a better picture of who he wants me to be when I am sober.
I am going to a meeting tonight. I want to talk but not sure what to say. This is my second meeting, and it was great, but I am still nervous.
The last couple days have been a trigger. I was supposed to take my daughter to Children's Hospital for surgery, a 4 hr. ride. I had packed the car for us to go, and they cancelled it and requested a full cardiac evaluation. My daughter had prepared and was devastated, and I was pissed but got over it, thinking maybe it was divine intervention. I worry about my husband who flies every day and my daughter who has a mean disease. I dont know how to do this.
God Bless!

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Christine,
Welcome! I've been where your at. Defeated, shameful & hopeless. I'll rely a message I heard many times when I first started AA- You never have to feel this way again. HOW is what I asked. They told me to be: Honest, Openminded and Willing. It takes many of us a long time to admit we have a problem and even longer to accept that we have a problem. I believe the gentlemen you meet in the hospital was placed in your life by your HP. To take an honesty look at yourself and speak with another alcoholic/addict. That's what we do- we put down the drink and we talk.
My suggestion is to start AA meetings today. Walk in and let them know your new. They will be receptive and know exactly how you feel. Listen in the meetings for someone you can identify with and who has what you want(same gender). Ask for their phone number and see if it would be o.k. if you call them.
- Go to meetings, ask for help & let god sort out the details.
Keep coming back and let us know how it goes.

jasperkent · Senior Member

Welcome, CeeCee!
You are already getting good suggestions here...and there are more to come. Keep coming back! Also, keep going to those AA meetings, especially when you don't feel like it. Things will all start making sense-- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

Try to forgive yourself. Alcoholism is a DISEASE. We do not choose to have it any more than we would choose to have cancer. Alcoholism does not discriminate. It does not care about age, race, sex, or RELIGION. God does want you to be well. God would want you to take your insulin if you were diabetic. AA is your "insulin."

On a personal note, I was also a "hopeless case." I have stumbled many times on my road to recovery. I know what it's like to hate drinking but still be unable to stop. At several points in my life I was suicidal, but God chose to keep me around a while longer. I also survived car wrecks, overdoses, and other things that should have killed me. I wasn't afraid of Death; I was afraid of Life. Now I am grateful beyond words to be alive.

Stick around and I promise you it will get better...One Day At A Time.

-- Edited by jasperkent on Friday 30th of October 2009 02:33:34 PM

Avril G · Senior Member

Hello CeeCee, I needn't write too much because between you and the others who have replied before me, you just about covered my drinking, and my recovery. Ditto what Bill said above.

You need never drink again once you join AA, I know people who stopped right there at their first meeting and are still sober many many years later. I didn't get it right away, but I guess it happened when it was meant to happen.

Keep posting, get to some real-life meetings (ring your local helpline and talk to another alkie who's in recovery) KEEP ON KEEPING ON AND NEVER QUIT QUITTING.

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Wecome, CeeCee!
If one day is too long, try one minute or hour at a time.

Keep Coming Back
Rob

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha CeeCee...welcome from this side of the planet. You have already tasted
a bit of the love and acceptance here and that in large part is what has kept me
seated and open minded in AA leading finally to gratitude to my HP because this
is the "help" I asked for. I didn't know what form and had no expectations and
my prayer was answered.   None of alcoholism is fault especially God's fault. The
addiction is as you described it...hating it and participating in it within the same
time frame. That is addiction and it can be overcome by hanging with those who
have overcome it in this program. Great you have an understanding supportive
husband and great you have the Big Book and greater still the millions of recovering
alcoholic who stand behind you ready to love you until you learn how to love
yourself and to share our stories of hope...how we did it and what has happened
as a result...and how we live today one day at a time.

What I do? I follow the successes of the others who came before me. If I had left
this recovery up to my own oppositional defiant devises I would be dead and not
an issue anywhere except for those in my family who need for some reason to
trace our geneology regarding alcoholism in my family.

God needs you sober so that you can be an instrument in God's will and you want
to be sober so that leaves alcohol out of the picture. You cannot do it alone and
from my experiences and yours with that young man who passed away, the place
to find others is in the program and that is where you will find a sponsor willing
to give you all that they have learned would work for them plus unconditional love
and acceptance.   Don't drink...Don't think follow the suggestions. Get all the way
into the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, sit all the way down, listen with an
open mind, read your Big Book, get a sponsor and tomorrow do it all over again.

Abandon yourself to God as your understand God...

There's much more coming if you keep coming.   In support. (((((hugs))))) smile

kkotz401 · Senior Member

Welcome to the board. No one is every hopeless. Try going to some local AA meetings. I am sure you will find this board to be a great sense of support. Take care. I will keep you in my prayers.

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to the board, CeeCee. You've got some great folks on here, many with long term sobriety and some, like me, relatively new in.

The miracles we see in AA show that we are not hopeless, that there is a solution in AA. I heard a share recently by an articulate, well-spoken, charming 80 year-old guy who's been sober 32 years through AA. He came into AA from a cardbox box, literally. I kind of figured, if he did by keeping coming back to AA and not taking that first drink one day at day, I can too. It works if we work it.

The great thing, if you already have a strong faith, you're already really set up for this programme. I struggled for soooo long with the concept of a Higher Power and it took me a long time to surrender to that idea. Unlike me, doesn't sound like you'll have that problem and that it is great.

Keep coming back! :)

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hello Cee Cee,
I am so sorry to hear about your sufferings! There is hope. It can come as fast or as slow as you can take the steps, and while you are "stepping" there is hope, so hope can start immediatley! (I am very glad you have the Big Book). "How it works" is priceless. Have your husband and daughters go to al anon so they can understand the disease (if your daughters are old enough) Make them part of your team. Go to an AA meeting and sit in the back and listen. Tell your story when you are comfortable and ask for help. Get a sponsor to be your one on one contact. Keep it simple after that and work the steps. Find peace. Grow physically and mentally better. Allow yourself to orbit the Sun instead of being the Sun. Enjoy the small victories like smelling the fall leaves sober.
Keep us in your loop and come back with any questions!
Tom

CeeCee · Member

I am just so appreciative of all the responses and the love and support I feel on board here. I have read where people have said that life sober is better than life ever has been, because they appreciate it more. I want that sooooo much. The power that alcohol can have over us is amazing. I sat and made a list of a 100 different reasons why drinking sucks. Keeping my family, living life, feeling healthy, not hiding, spending money, sneaking, feeling like the lowest life form. The list goes on and on. Guess what was on the pro side of the drinking list? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. How crazy this disease is.

Thank u for encouraging me to get in the face to face meetings. I think I have to do that as much as possible. I do feel a bit fearful of going especially in certain areas. I am a teacher, and I fear seeing someone that has a child or a friends child or grandchild in my school. That would be devastating. I am good at teaching, and would never and have never compromised that situation. I have sacrificed my family instead.
God Bless!
CeeCee

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

CeeCee, God led to to this board...God led you to the meetings. God has been there for you all along and you have just not been able to recieve his grace as well as you will while sober. God won't remove the cravings and triggers persay...you can pray and ask and that will help, but you have to be strong. Some times it does boil down to the fact that to quit drinking, you have to quit drinking. One of the biggest sayings I heard that helped me is one that is not in the big book or any literature and this is "Just don't drink NO MATTER WHAT!" No rationalizations, no excuses, no thinking your way into a drink. I do believe this is part of step 1...No excuses for a drink ever...You are powerless over it and you know where it leads you. Take steps forward and not backwards now. Recovery is yours for the taking. The disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful so don't give in...ever. I did go from being a falling down stumbling daily drinker to not having had a drink in 13 months and I did it through exactly what you stated...being willing. Go to meetings and surrender to AA...in a few months it will get easier and easier because all you have to do is stay sober in between those meetings. God will help you, fellow alcoholics will help you, literature will help you, your family sounds like they will help you...Most importantly, find a sponsor. That saved my butt in retrospect. My sponsor held me accountable in the beginning. There was no being late to meetings...no missing meetings...when he told me to do service I did it. Also, you cannot really work these steps alone and it is not advisable...you need a sponsor to guide you. I did not follow all suggestions...but I sure followed most and I really followed the important ones in terms of calling my sponsor daily, going to a lot of meetings (especially at the start), sharing who I was and getting phone numbers and calling people. If you are silent in AA meetings...nobody will be able to help you. Get in the center of AA and don't be on the fringes. That is what saved my butt and continues to do so. I fully identify with the fears you have but also I can identify with the intense willingness. You want this program it sounds like...That means you will embrace it and cling to it like your life depends on it...cuz it does. In love and support,

Mark

CeeCee · Member

Mark,
Your comments hit me from angle that made me understand. I have been expecting a miracle. A miraculous recovery, just because I want it and have begged for it. You helped me realize that the miracle is that God has led me to where to find the recovery and they He will be with me as I go through the steps, and it is through the steps that I will discover happiness, a new self awareness, and not until then his ultimate grace.
Thank you for allowing God to use you. All of you really. You just never know how one person's comment can hit the spot.
CeeCee

steve k · Newbie

hi all, My name is Steve my last drink was last night. coming off a 10 day beng. before that I was dry for months and without meetings. going tonight @ 7pm,a lot of anxiety right now. my head calling me a looser and i just want to hide. Ive already called a guy and am meeting him there.its not my first time. Ive spent the last couple hours reading the post in here.they've helped,thanks

OK - if you are ready to stop drinking and you are ready to go to any lengths to do it???????????

Take your courage in your hands and put your fears in God's Pocket and go to a meeting. Today.

You can do this before you lose anymore.

OK,thanks bill

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP, CeeCee & Steve K. I feel so much love, encouragement & hope for the two of you. I hope you'll immerse yourself in fellowship, literature & meetings. There is a wonderful life after alcohol just awaiting your efforts 1Day@aTime. We do this together & God's grace reaches us through our honesty, openmindedness & willingness. The work is hard but the wages are good & let me assure you it does get easier in time. Keep coming back & don't give in to that first drink no matter what. Stay close & pick up the phone to your same sex fellow alcoholics in recovery before you pick up the drink. Your call will help someone else stay sober too. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking ;) Love & prayers, Danielle x

-- Edited by Sobrietyspell on Sunday 1st of November 2009 08:21:01 PM

Jane05 · MIP Old Timer

Welcome CeeCee!! We're glad you here!

jasperkent · Senior Member

CeeCee-- Concerning your fear of seeing certain people at the meetings: what do you think they are doing there? They might fear seeing you!
Remember that it is Alcoholics Anonymous. People tend to respect that.

Thank you all for being here.