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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Day 118
Post Info TOPIC: Day 118
Aquaman


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Day 118
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juggle.gifOne Day At A Time. Somedays I feel God is right there riding shotgun with me and we just can't lose! Other days, like today, I feel that God is high-tide washing away my sand-castles. How arrogant! evileye 

From 9am to my noon meeting I was drowning in resentment, anger and self-loathing. I wanted a drink so bad!!! I wanted to meke a trade with a 40 oz. of OE; 'you empty yourself into me, and I'll empty myself into you.'
So I prayed & prayed & prayed & tried to find a silver lining and Let Go & Let God but God wasn't about to send me the $5k worth of much-needed business that had just said "everything you propose is perfect for us, right for our community and totally win-win...but no thanks." disbelief
God doesn't write checks or cast votes at board tables.
God can, however, listen when I ask It to sequester my character defects so i don't act out of wrath or hubris. God can help Aleviate the anger that I, as an alkie, can't afford to give headspace to. He waited until I sat my butt in my chair at the noon meeting. THAT'S when God used AA to lift my spirits.smile

How can something as ethereal as my spirit get so heavy sometimes?

Anyway - I ramble. It's been a roller-coaster of a 118 days and I'm grateful to be a recovering alcoholic on God's grace and the fellowship of AA.

Peace,

Rob

 



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Dave Harm


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Congratulations on 118... my first year I celebrated everyday, for what it was - a gift. I couldn't imagine going 118 minutes without a drink. I still have my original poster board in my garage and what I did everyday for that first year...

Whenever I look at it, I realize that was the first year that I lived in the "real world" and I'm still so grateful that my Higher Power guided me through it...

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Toad


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Thank you for sharing.
Some days I still want God to be my "errand boy" (from Dylan)
Very good way you put it. Still need the reminder. Seems like my disease keeps track of my recovery. Something about a daily repreive.

Happy 118,
Toad

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newcomer


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Well done you, yes I know the screaming for a drink part, horrible, and the meetings have been great for me also, I have got what I needed from same,

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ljc


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Keep trudging ! One day at a time.
You've got God in your life and thats wonderful.
Do you have a sponsor that is guiding you thru the steps too ??

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turninggrey


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Hey AM,
Sorry the business deal did not go so well today, but the sober deal seems to be going very well and thats worth more than all the $$$ in the world!
Tom

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Aquaman


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Thanks, ya'll! I am in touch with my sponsor while he's at his winter digs. We keep in touch. He has me working step assignments and reporting back.

What brought up the most resentment from my arrogance was a thought-trail that led back to a conversation I had with my sponsor.

As I've said, we're direct competitors in the same line of work, except where I sell advertising for one independant station here...he OWNS three, and more out west. After doing some work together, and helping me put greed and pride in the "defects" column, I asked him "What the he** good is a sales guy who is no longer motivated by greed or ego?" and he answered "Be motivated by Love. Love for your listeners. Love for your co-workers who depend on you to pay your share of the station's bills. Love for the owners who gave you another chance after you almost drank yourself out of a job. Love for your clients but most of all...Love for the community and the local economy that your work DIRECTLY impacts."

Well, I have kept that as the stiff tail-wind that keeps me fighting the good fight. The two deals that fell through were member co-operative "Buy Locally" holiday shopping campaigns which the Chambers of Commerce for two struggling communities shot down. To make matters worse, one of them told me that next year's radio budget is going totally to sponsoring National Public Radio. Grrrrr! Funny, so is part of MY income tax!!!

Dang. Now that I type it out one character and thought at a time...I was resentful because My Love was rejected. Trace it back farther and what do I find...hubris. This wasn't about me. This wasn't about any thing that I did or did not do. I can't control it, so.....

God, Grant me the Serenity.....



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turninggrey


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Hey AM,
If you feel that it is wrong for next years CoC budget to be going to NPR, you can work on FY 2011 with the non radicalized members of the chamber. It is flat out wrong for the CoC not to think locally and with the recient tiff between the CoC and our current executive branch, they should know better. I would think you could find sympathetic members to work on.
Tom

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pinkchip


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I was close to that last night. I actually did cuss out my boss yesterday and I am not sure I will have a job after today. Either way, I hate where I work so much now I want to tell everyone off at this point. In a way, it's progress cuz I used to be a total doormat, but I went off so bad...Could not stand one more criticism from this lady who is so lazy, corrupt, and rotten. I hope I will get over it. I have prayed about this ongoing resentment but that does not change her into a not-bitch suddenly and I still have to put up with her. It's like a ongoing resentment refresher on a weekly basis. Looking for jobs. This place is too toxic for me I think. I have to take some action to get away cuz otherwise I'll just be a victim and I'm done with that. Anyhow Rob, just letting you know you aren't alone. I didn't want to drink persay but I so much wanted to feel different. I have this voice that says "I want to get fucked up so bad." But after this long, I don't really think of alcohol that much...I just want to feel different. Hang in there, you are doing great.

Mark

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SteveP


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Rob -- great post and congrats the 118 and all the best for a 119.

Sounds like you've got a great sponsor. Yep, the hubris can really sneak up on us. I get frustrated sometimes when I see it all around me and then think -- they have it, and they're doing well. Then I have to press pause and remind myself that if I'm an alkie, it risks making me drink.

That's usually enough for to want to work on that hubris.

@mark: good to hear that you're taking action and working on assertiveness. I do know for sure that our HPs did NOT get us sober for us to become doormats. And this too shall pass.

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