Character defects come back!

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Character defects come back!

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Bill. I do understand where you are at. Not only that, but your back/neck still hurts and you are probably not sleeping well! Anyhow, I would let your kid buy the car. Its probably going to last 6 months before it costs a pile of cash to fix, but what is that lesson worth to your son? I would call up the wife and tell her you are sorry for what you said, and tell her its a result of the pain, and tell her the truth--that you were a little jealous and sort of wanted to get your son his first vehicle. I would also go back to the fearless moral inventory and make ammends by doing what we do best in AA which is being truthful. When you lay out your story, your CD's were all a result of caring about your family. I do not think your wife will miss that point and she will be shown again by your honesty, the changes AA made in your life. I hope all goes well,
Tom

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Tom, yeah, managed to tell her all that, explained that I was jealous, explained why I was angry, explained that I wasn't happy with my reaction and that I was sorry that she heard all that.

Still gives me heartburn. Indulged in a bit of comfort eating - rye crackers, brie and a fruit smoothie, beats getting drunk.

When the anger built up in me, the old default position was straight back - go get drunk, that'll show 'em. Thankfully I don't do that any more.

Anyway, I could no more stop my lad from buying the car than I could fly - I was allowed to make mistakes and had the oppertunity to learn from them, so I have to respect him enough to afford him the same chance.

Thanks for your response.

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Hi There Bill,

Well first in my opinion, when you got that call and the question about what was your Suggestion, well that was a rather Loaded Question. She just did not realize how it would stir up so much emotion.

And on one little note, when you said that with your Son, you wanted to me the ONE that got him into his first car or bike, my take on that Bill, that was not your Ego, just a sort of universal thought from any Dad, it made me feel a little sad, but we have to live with Life on Life's Terms, and it seems like you do that almost all the time. We are not saints, we have our emotional reactions, and just deal with them as they come up, and for the most part Bill I see you as a man that handles 90 percent with out a little character defect popping up, so I still think you are one of the winners aound here!!!

On the Jealousy issue, that made me sort of chuckle, Jealous of what, what sounds like an ole, blue suade shoe salesman with slick-backed hair, trying to sell you a new pair of second hand lavender suade shoes, my opinon, no need for any jealousy when you think that over, reminds of that Sober Horse thief, haha.

But you did get to the Truth about why you reacted, and what the emotions were, that triggered that reaction. so seems to me Billy you got yourself right back to being in a Serenity Prayer place.

If you are holding on to any resentment, that Prayer of Praying for that person to have Everything YOU want in life, that that person have it first. Very mysterious, the rule of thumb is to say that Prayer for two weeks, but if practiced, you will discover the Resentment lifted way before two week.

Hope you enjoyed your snack, and it sounds like you just went through a test, and from this end over here, You Passed the test.

Good to see you Posting, and feel like a true kinderd sister to you these days, will start message and Traction on my neck this week, and will continue until I get my neck out of the discomfort.

Hope your Body is healing faster than mine, you said you wanted to have a race to the finish, you take already take the prize, for me, it is very very very easy does it mode, has to be, or Else.#$@@$$#@$%^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs and love to you my friend.
Tonicakes
PS, did you ever go to that picture I put in, the one where everything was so much lighter, and you could see the country side.??

-- Edited by Just Toni on Monday 26th of October 2009 08:13:48 PM

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Good! Now go throw a brick through that fat F#ckers window. That will make ME feel better. wink

Tom

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Oy, Bill. Tough one, but I'm glad you didn't drink at those people.

"no-one f*cks over my tribe.", you said. That, my man, is instinct - pure and simple. You could no more prevent those feelings from rising up in you as you could prevent startling at a loud noise in the woods at night; we're hard-wired for it.

I had an epiphany when my first child was born.
I, like many men, had felt the physical responses of instant rage, been overcome by violent reactions that were endless until exhausted and felt close to hatred at competitors over everything from who got the best seat on the bus to who got the preformance-based scholarships to who got the most desirable woman. I struggled with feelings of guilt and remorse over what seemed like evil reactions. I was ashamed of being a man. Until...
I saw that little, helpless life being scooped up in my wife's arms and watched him nuzzle for his first feeding. They were both so vulnerable at that moment. Ina an instant I knew why men have the potential for such quickened and thoughtless violence, rage, hatred and aggression.
My sole duty in life was to provide for and protect those two, and any more that may come of our joining. My duty, forged by the creator and honed to a fine edge by 20,000 years of evolution was to fight, kill or die to protect my family. No gray. No 'what if'. Protect - period. a few hundred years of civilization can't completely undo 20,000 of whatever worked to get us where we are today.
I'm really, really sorry to hear about the estrangement of your daughter and that some d-bag beat you to that father-son moment. That sucks.

In my opinion, the only thing that should not have gone down the way it in your head was your desire to drink at it...but that's why you have God & AA.

Now, the way to get back at this corksocker is to wait until it's a prime selling time on his lot, say...the Saturday afternoon after payday of the town's two or three biggest employers and get him on the phone and run him around for you. Make him lose half a dozen real sales to someone else while he's chasing his tail with you. Used car salesmen of his ilk don't have bollocks; they have coin purses and if you really wanna hurt him - step on his coin sack, not his marble sack.

Rob

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Bill, thanks for sharing on this. I've recently been beating myself up about getting ripped off and not having the guts to go back to the merchant to do something about. And then there's the dodgy builders who have wrecked our house.

What you've shown me is how to use these wonderful tools that we've been given in AA and how they mean that we don't need to act and drink on our character defects anymore.

Good sobriety to you and all today.

Steve

-- Edited by SteveP on Tuesday 27th of October 2009 02:54:29 AM

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Thanks for your replies.

Toni - where would I find that photo?

Aqua - if I go and mess with the spivs business, how will that help me or him? revenge has no place in my life these days. the concept of getting your retaliation in first or eating a cold dish got me in a lot of trouble in the past. I'll not be a doormat, the other, more kindly, view is maybe the spiv is just trying to be nice. Maybe my daughter is doing the best she can with what she has.

Money has always burned a hole in my lad's pocket, he get's that from me. He's a young man who hasn't had a stable father figure in his life and no kind of father figure for the past 4 years - no wondeer he can be petulant and jump at the first chance.

Steve P - got your number, will give you a call sometime, thanks for your post.

Tom - fortunately I don't know where the window is, so the sound of breaking glass won't be happening soon.

amazing what a bit of sleep will do.

ljc · MIP Old Timer

Ahhh, your last sentence in your original post said it best ... mind my own business.

It sucks, I know . My own kids make and have made decisions that Im definately not on board with, but I cant do a darn thing about it.

Fear -- the biggy, the catalyst of all my character defects . From fear stems the anger, resentments, jealousy, self-pity.

Fear that I will lose something I already posses, or fear that I wont get something I think I deserve.

Wondering 2 things ... did you get your book out and go over steps 6 & 7 , asking for God to remove your shortcomings. in the book those 2 steps are short.

And have you made formal ammends ( step 9 ) to your children ?

Hang in there Bill ... this too shall pass

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

LJC - no I didn't go over steps 6 and 7 in the book. That's a good suggestion so i will revisit those pages today.

Formal amends - yes to my wife in person and daughter by letter. I thought I had to my son (by letter), but I believe he never received them.

after I had made amends to my daughter, she rang me and vented her anger. then rang me back an hour later to vent some more, which developed into a conversation, a big part of which was her trying to push my buttons. one of those buttons was the sound of tearing paper which she said was her ripping up my letter to my son.

This was over a year ago and I do believe that she did this, partly out of a desire to protect her brother and partly out of a desire to hurt me as I'd hurt her. of course I wouldn't mention this even in passing to my son as making amends should be done without hurting them or others. So my amends are, to me, incomplete towards my son. So although I have made written amends to my lad, as he has never received them I should get off my arse and do it again.

it is difficult to make amends without hope of reward and without expectations but sending a letter into nothingness is unsatisfactory. I feel the need to be sure that he has at least had the letter in his hand before I can let it go.

but everything happens for a reason and the more I think about the content of that letter, the more I am dissatisfied with it so at least this way I get a second chance.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Well Bill, I haven't gotten to step 9 yet but it would seem the steps are laid out perfectly here once again. You make the amends as best you can and then step 10 is there to clean them up and polish them. I have a lot of respect for you and your ability to be honest with yourself, others, and your HP. I did snicker at your writing because your assessment of yourself is so honest and candid that it reads as humorous. All of the reactions you described are so human and so innate. A person without AA in their life would just act that way and never question themselves. I gotta hand it to you for your honesty with yourself... One thing that people sometimes don't pick up on in the program is how to bust through layers and layers of denial. Being honest to others is what seems more emphasized in the program, but really being honest to oneself and one's HP is more critical. Thanks for the good example yet again.

Mark