Kid's birthday party...pumpkin carving...wife in control...I'm not. I'm feeling shorted. I'm feeling like all my weekends belong to someone else. The dog crap hasn't been cleaned up in weeks. Not my dog - son's dog. Front yard stinks like a ghetto.
My alkie is holding up a bottle of "everything was better when you were with me" and is promising that if I just come back everything will be different this time. We'll have a healthy relationship. She promises she won't hit me any more. She won't make me do humiliating things or isolate me like she used to. She'll make all these bad things go away and just hold me. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I need a lifeline. I need to tie a knot in the end and hold on. I've gotta put on a happy face and carve pumpkins with the pre-schoolers. Me...and God.
God, excuse me. I'm willing to let you take this from me. Please? God Grant Me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Deep breaths. Hey, my alkie shut up. Whaddaya know? I think I'm gonna go gut some pumpkins!
Wow thats some pretty intense stuff. How is your "alkie" doing? Has she been going to meetings and working on twelve steps. If so, then maybe you should consider giving her another chance. If not, then I would say forget it. An alchoholic has to make the choice to get sober on their own. Hope that helps. Maybe you should consider going to ALANON.
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You have to live life to the fullest because you don't know what you got till it's gone.
Sitting with Pre schoolers and carving Pumpkins, good for you!!
If it was me, I would put on a mask, and grab a big bag, and toss all the dog poop, and tell my child that He owned me- and Big.
The Midwest in the Fall is so beautiful, everything changing colors, and the chill in the air. Starting up a fire in the Fireplace. None of this can be accomplished in California. So hope you enjoy.
Hugs to you, and the Disease talking directly to you, that happened a lot to me in the first year, I did just what you did, ask God to take it, Please, and HE Never failed.
Hope your evening is so much better than the mid part of the day. But Rob, we are Both Sober, "All my Problems are Gold Plated" something a great guy would share, at the end of every share he had. I adopted it, and I can say that is the case for me today.
PS. Maybe just six pieces of dog poop, to replace the six cigs, or double up on the humbling experience,
take what you want and leave the rest :) Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Sunday 25th of October 2009 03:26:44 PM
I am so thankful that my sickness / illness doesnt talk to me like that anymore. I am no longer a victim of this ( disease ) . If I pick up a drink today, Im a volunteer. And my life is to good to go screw it up .
Yeah, get the kid and stand there while he picks up the dog poop, thats sick !
Count your blessings, cuz it sounds like ya got quite a few of em' ... you're sober, got a wife and kids, and some pumpkins. Things could be worse .....
My alkie is promising that all will be well too, loved your post and has helped me a lot this morning, just cancelled a voluntary job tomorrow which I'm getting no credit for to go to a meeting tomorrow, yeah,
Remember your alkie is a lier, cunning baffling and powerful, but with AA and a good sponsor and a lot of meetings you will become more poweful and soon your inner alkie won't talk so loud.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
A good honest share Rob. I appreciate that you can articulate your disease talking to you rather than actually thinking or believing it's you. You are picking up great tools including sharing on this board. I did not and still do not have the strongest personal higher power. I am working on it and it is slowly coming to me. I dumped my problems in the rooms for a good 6 months...just solid complaining. After that I continued dumping them in the rooms and still do but I laugh at them now and they don't have quite as much power to bring out the alkie voice in me that you describe so well. Thank you for sharing with us....it reminds me exactly what to do in those moments where everything feels wrong but the only thing that is wrong is my take on things.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey ya'll - no worries! Me & The Sponsor are having daily morning e-mails now. He's still challenging me and guiding me and loving me - from 40 degrees warmer! It must be weird for his employees at the competing radio station to see my e-mail addy on his distribution list when he sends pics of desert sunsets from Arizona.
My meeting group meets at noon every weekday and is getting bigger all the time. A woman who owns a restaurant joined a couple of weeks ago and she brings awesome feed! Today I think five out of 18 or so people brought food! Happy Hour & Lunch Hour at the same time!
It got cold enough today that the dog-doo was an easy task. Thanks for the no-nonsense approach, Bill. When I need a kick in the arse I know who to go to!
The pumpkins - oh man...funny stuff...
I had the kids draw the faces and then I cut off the tops with my 2nd best filet-knife (the best one is used for raw fish and meat ONLY and has never seen the inside of a dishwasher. I could shave with it) and became Mr. Tool Guy... Scooped the guts with a paint-mixer paddle I put an edge on with my grinder and spun with my 1/2" drill. Pumpkin guts everywhere! Did the final gut-scraping with a flexible spackle knife and cut out the face-features with a jigsaw. I processed six jack-o-lanterns in 40 minutes.
The b-day party was a success. Happy daughter, happy kids, happy wife and happy me.
Man, it's good to be sober and in God's hands in the fellowship of AA.
I loved your posts especially the take on multiple personalities. It reminded me of a funny chapter in a book I've been reading the last few nights, "There's more to Quitting Drinking than Quitting Drinking", by Dr. Paul O. He describes many personalities in the sub chapter heading, "The Committee In My Head". After reading a later chapter on communicating, I have some great tools to help my voices talk more effectively. I am developing my internalpersonality recovery program :$. I agree with the Dr. when he says he thinks the alcoholic personality will always be there, waiting for a chance to get a word in. I have banished mine to stand in the corner, cause I'm busy listening to the others.
-- Edited by angelov8 on Tuesday 27th of October 2009 02:27:37 AM
Yeah, Rob, I really dig the way you personified the disease.
I've recently done the same thing: thinking of my alcoholism as a former best friend who used to make me feel good about myself and was great to be around at parties. That was a LONG time ago. Since then, my so-called friend has run off my girlfriends, stolen my money, wrecked my cars, gotten me fired from jobs, poisoned me, put me in hospitals and jails, and ultimately stolen everything from me, including my self-respect and very nearly my life.
This "buddy" of mine is a liar, a cheat, and a killer. I believe I've had enough. There are plenty of friends I can trust to be found in the rooms of AA. Thanks for the reminder.
My Alkie wants OUTTTT!!!!! 
Thanks for the responses, ya'll. Things are much better now. My Inner Alkie is quiet again. I fed her some mac-n-cheese and Twizzlers and she shut up. 
