I am a recovery drug addict and i have been clean for about 2 years now but my boyfriend has a problem with drinking. I have tried to explain to him that i know what he is going through but he tells me that my addiction isnt the same because I was a pill junkie and heavy cocaine user and I have tried to make him see that its not the drugs that is the problem its our addictive personality that is the problem and he just tells me that i am being a hypocrite and i really want to help him in his road to recovery but i dont know what i should do or say to sound non-hypocritical any advice you may have would be great. Thanks
Hey, congratulations on staying clean yourself , and welcome !! If b/f doesn't want help, and is in denial, then not to much you can do. I would suggest Alanon for yourself tho if it gets to bad for you to deal with.
Would be absolutely lovely if we could give ppl our sobriety, but it doesnt work that way. They have to want it and work for it themselves.
Take care of yourself , be an example and pray for your b/f.
no i mean he wants help he is actually going through rehab now but everytime we try and talk about the situation he says i dont understand because our drugs of choice were not the same
no i mean he wants help he is actually going through rehab now but everytime we try and talk about the situation he says i dont understand because our drugs of choice were not the same
I can only hope that the rehab he is in is a 12-step facility? If so, I would also hope that if he talks about this with his therapist or in group, he'll be put right about the drug of choice is so different. As you say, the addiction is addiction is addiction, whatever the drug of choice, but I must admit, having attended NA groups, and speaking to drug addicts, I don't always understand where they're coming from, but I guess they aren't THAT much different to us bog standard alkies, but as with all addictions, I can use anything as an excuse not to work the programme, and it sounds like he is doing this.
The fact that he's in rehab doesn't mean he's no longer in denial. Good advice about you going to Alanon or NarcAnon for support, but also step up your attendance at AA meetings, you will never get him to see it from your angle, and from vast experience, my own and other peoples, I know that a sober alkie will never manage to pull a suffering partner up, BUT, and here's where the danger lies for you, a sick alkie/addict can very quickly pull a sober alkie right down.
I lived with a nguy when I first came to AA, he wasn't an alkie or addict, but he tried every which way to stop me getting to meetings (he actually preferred me drinking, he had more control over me then) I stuck it for long enough to realise that this was a case of stick with him and drink again, or get out and get sober.
WELL, I'm here today and still sober, so you know what decision I made. Nothing and no-one will ever jeopardise my sobriety - I'm pretty good at doing that to myself, I don't need anyone else's help thanx.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Hi Sarah, thanks for being here and many congrats on two years. Just wanted to say that you will get great advice here - really good sobriety from folks on here. I really trust what folks on here say. You've come to the right place.
thanks Avril G he is a good guy and doesnt try to pull me down at all he has actually told me that if i was to use again he would leave me or make darn sure i went to a NA meeting so he is not trying to pull me down with him. I just try to support him in everything and when i get upset about him drinking he says im being a hypocrite
thanks Avril G he is a good guy and doesnt try to pull me down at all he has actually told me that if i was to use again he would leave me or make darn sure i went to a NA meeting so he is not trying to pull me down with him. I just try to support him in everything and when i get upset about him drinking he says im being a hypocrite
I think this is normal in any relationship when one, or both are in early recovery. I had a few relationships in early 'sobriety' not that it was real sobriety then, but I can easily be co-dependant in a relationship, which is why Alanon or NarcAnon would be good for you OR co-dependants anonymous, though at the end of the day if you value your sobriety enough, you wi stick with it, we have to have somne bad times in life don't we? Alkies or not, in recovery or not, none of us get out of ife totally unscathed do we? It's just that us alkies seem to focus on the bad bits more than we do on the good bits.
We're a very strange breed when you think about it ain't we??
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
OMG just look at them typos, I can't be assed to correct them, but I AM going to go to bed and stop trying to convince myself just another hour won't hurt me. I have gone from cmplaining abot not being able to seep at night, to not going to seep when I should be sleeping, even when my body is screaming out for some sleep.
Goodnight all, I'll pray that we will all wake up sober and happy in the morning. XXXXX
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Welcome and keep reaching out. I am new here too. I agree with others that the best way to carry the message is to keep focused on your program. This forum has given me the chance to read and write about what I can do to bring serenity into my life. I have studied on my own long enough-I'm sick and tired of doing it alone.
thanks ljc...no he doesnt have a problem with drugs just drinking i am the one with a drug problem i have been clean for 2 years though and im just trying to stand by him and support him in anyway i can and i dont know how i can do that without him thinking im a hypocrite...i guess i just need to stand back and let him deal with it himself i just thought having someone that has been through the same thing to stand by your side would help but i guess he doesnt want that just yet.
I'm thinking the drinking vs. drugs argument may just be a smoke-screen.
There may be some complex male ego/relationship feelings going on (ask me how I know), whereby he is not comfortable discussing recovery stuff with you at the moment.
You might want to just stick with the supportive girlfriend role, and let him work with those whom he is comfortable for his recovery.
There is no question you are correct in the statement that the drug my have been different but the solution is the same and most of use drank and druged.
The dude just isn't ready to share recovery feelings with you, and it's nothing personal.
Hope this can help.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Aloha Sara...God I understand where you are at now and I can also stand in your boyfriends shoes also. I work dual membership meaning I am also a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Why? Besides being born into the disease I use to marry my alcoholic and addicted female friends. I have done and said and threated what you have said your boyfriend has and also what Avrils attempted also including teaching my alcoholics how to drink LOL and much more. I have the same attitude as your boyfriend has until I found a sponsor who told me not to look for the differences in other alcoholics experiences and mine but the similarities. When I got to the similarities I got humble and down to work. I've been alcohol free and manytimes sober while working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've struggled manytimes with the compulsion to get other alcoholics and addicts clean and sober when I really needed get the hell out of the way and let them feel the coarse gritty surface of their bottoms. Most times I need to be a loving friend and not a sponsor. Approach at times...give a hug and a pat on the back (keep it all simple...no sex or 13th step)...back away with a smile and let go and let God. There is alot of false pride and egotism in addiction and a lot of pushing away because of it. Lots of anger and accusations and more pushing aways. And then I also learned that there were times, lots of them, when I really did not understand what my alcoholic was going thru and just needed to admit that, say "I'm sorry" and then turn her (them) over again. From my experience? what was told me in Al-Anon works best...love them and leave them alone to their own choices and choices of higher power. That is what I try to do today. Mind my own business when that is most appropriate and workable. If it is not do what I feel I need to do with love, humility and acceptance without expectations.
Good to have you here Sara. Go to the link bar just above the post portion and hit main page...when that shows up hit Al-Anon board/chat something and see if what they are working there might help. Keep and open mind and rest assured it is the same program with a different focus. Here I am powerless over my alcohol habit and there I am powerless over my alcoholic relationships.
Sara, Some very good suggestions and experience noted. I heard the speaker at a meeting the other night say: his girlfriend refused to bail him out of jail, at first he was angry, then realized after working the program some, she did it in love. She was also in the program. They're still together today. Detach with love- you can love the person, but let them chart there own coarse. The sooner they hit bottom the more likely their chance at success. You'll be respected for it in the long run.
There is a saying that I believe is 100% accurate, and that is a DRUG IS A DRUG IS A DRUG IS A DRUG.
NA and AA use the 12 Steps and all the same suggestions, getting a sponsor, surrending to the 1st Step, that is MAJOR!
Sara, I cleaned up my heavy prescription drug use, before going into AA, almost over my own dead body, but my question is: if I had come into AA with my drug addiction too, that would not have meant that I had to go to both NA, and AA. Cocaine, heavy Valium use, I just dont see the difference, just different Brain Frostings, I did use Cocaine for a while, and did not continue for I simply could not afford it, I could afford a zillion 5ths of Brandy that turned into a four year Blackout.
I hope so much if he truly wants help he will just sit his butt in an AA meeting when he leaves his Rehab. One of the best saying around here is "it's an INSIDE Job"
Congrats on you being clean for 2 years, fantastic, by now you have heard I hope, the Loving Detachment part of anyone else's Recovery, no matter who they are.
Just one PS, I was the idenfied patient in my household, for many years, my husband did a ton of Pot, the hybred kind, and I found that when I was honestly fighting to save my own life, when I tried a reconcilliation, that in spite of him telling me had stopped the pot, when I returned, it became clear it was not the truth. He was and is a wonderful man. But i put my precious new life and Sobriety in Front of everything, and one day packed up using a Moving Truck and finally came back to my home. I did love him, but I really loved my Sobriety and a chance at a new life for myself more that him. It was not really difficult, either. I had live away from him for 10 months, gained a ton of friends and support in AA, and with God's Help, just one day at a time, nothing would/will ever take that away. We recovering folks have to always remain vigilant, that never changes..... Wishing you all the best, and keeping your new Clean life in front of everything else, letting no person, place or thing ever cloud that from you view. and I would imagine by now that view is looking pretty hopeful. Keep the hope going.
A Bug Hug to you, and you are more than welcome to stay in touch here with us. We care about you, that is a Given.
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Wednesday 21st of October 2009 08:33:05 PM
Be patient Sara. You cant "make" him see or understand anything. God willing, he'll begin his own road of recovery and will come to understand in his own time...in Gods time.
In the meantime, pray, love yourself and love others.
