Too young for this

misu · Member

Too young for this

ljc · MIP Old Timer

When Anyone , Anywhere reaches out, I want the hand of AA always to be there, and for that I am responsible.

Welcome to the group MISU !

Wow, from your short share here, I have concluded that you are one lucky gal, or maybe rather blessed to still be alive given all you've been thru in such a short period of time in your life.
Alcoholism shows no mercy to age, color of skin, education or lack of it.
Doesnt matter to me if a person is 18 or 80, if they claim to be an alcoholic, then thats what they are.

Starting today you have the opportunity to change your life. Its up to you. And you will find help via this message board, the whole website and many, many other places if you so choose to keep a positive, open - minded attitude and do the work that is required .

I would highly suggest that you locate a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in your area and start to attend meetings. Sit and listen and dont be discouraged or offended by anything you may see or hear in these meetings. There are many different types of meetings all over the place and searching for one that is comfortable to you may take some time.

I would search out these meetings for a female sponsor who will guide you thru the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and be a confidant and trustworthy friend to you thruought this process.

Please obrtain what we call the Big Book. It is our text so to speak and read at least the first 164 pages from the beginning.

Start quickly, dont wait. It could very possibly mean the difference between life and death for you if you choose to drink and continue your life in the manner that you have been.

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Misu,
Its great you are here. Listen, if you go back through the topics here you will find that as sad and tragic as your story is, you are not unique in your troubles. Thats good news because you do not have to invent a way out. Others have gone before you and have paved a way. The internet is great and I am very happy you are here, but if you really want this disease of alcoholism lifted from your shoulders, you should also look up a meeting

http://www.aa.org/lang/en/meeting_finder.cfm?origpage=29

and find physical human beings to help. I am 50 and my story was similar to yours. I was a very young drunk. You may not realize this, but the fact that you are young is really in your favor! You can have a very long happy sober life ahead of you because you know in your heart that alcohol is killing you.
Have you got a safe place to stay for now? Are your injuries in need of attention? Are you able to check yourself into a local facility? Your local group can possibly help you with this. I want to make sure your health and safety are taken care of first. If that is all good, the basic thought behind AA is that we have 12 steps that we accomplish and live by where we are actually able to live wonderful normal lives free of alcohol. Everything in blue below is copied and pasted.
AA - How It Works
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now!

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
You can find this information on this web site or others. I know others are about to post as well so we are here to help. Take in all the info and find your path. Good luck and prayers to you.
Tom

-- Edited by turninggrey on Sunday 18th of October 2009 09:30:09 AM

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Misu, welcome to our board. Your story reminds me of my own in that I was a teenage (and preteen) alcoholic. I started drinking at 8, smoking pot at 11, more serious drugs 13-16 and full daily drinking alcoholic at 16. Many scrapes with the law. 1000's of blackouts, walking up in strange places with injuries, and in many instances spared further injuries or death by the kindness of strangers (and angels I'm sure).
You're in the right place and we are glad that you're here. There is an awful lot that you need to learn about this disease. Going to meetings is essential and reading to get an education is a great benefit. There is so many unseen factors working against a newly recovering alcoholic. You will get some great advice here as well as hearing about others experience, strength, and hope. Please stay around and help us stay sober.

Dean

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 22nd of October 2009 06:17:49 AM

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Misu,
here is one of the threads you should read:

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?aBID=42735&p=3&topicID=31181218

You may want to PM Joni to get some lady to lady contact.
Tom
(I wish I was smart enough to make my links work by clicking, you will probably have to cut and paste.)

(did it for you Tom )

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 18th of October 2009 09:20:25 AM

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Welcome, Misu!
You're a very good writer. I look forward to reading more of your self-expressions. Please browse around and find other people's "big shares", or "opening shares", or "my stories". That will help you get to know us.

Misu, I am so, so sorry that those horrible things happened to you. That truly sucks. The thing that stuck out most to me was your percepton of your family's frustration. More than once in my life I felt like a "grade a f**k-up", and was reminded of something my Commander in the Air Force said to me. "Airman, you're not a f**k-up; you just f**ked-up." Please don't attach negative labels to yourself.

Anyway, back to business....
My Sponsor told me that these forums are helpful, but it's easy to fall into a "you ought to" mode of behavior, which goes against AA's traditions. So I won't tell you what to do; I will share what I have found.

First, once I realized that I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable, I found AA meetings. I showed up, I shared a little, I made friends and then shared more. I chose a Sponsor who accepted my request. Through listening, fellowship and meditation with other Alcoholics I overcame my brain's atheism and opened my heart to not only the existence of a Higher Power (whom I choose to call It), but also felt the simultaneous lightness of being and limitless strength that only a spiritual experience can provide. I realized that true Faith and willingness to surrender what I thought was control over my actions to It was not a weakness, not a "crutch" and not a zombie-like state. It was the power to change a pattern of destructive behavior into a way-of-life that allows me to grow, love and be loved and most important of all - stay f**king sober, One-Day-At-A-Time!

If you want what We have, please visit some real meetings. All you have to do, if you don't want to jump-right-in, is sit down and when it's your turn say "Hi. My name is ______ , and I just want to listen."

As far as AA goes, "the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking." You certainly seem to have that.

You have helped keep me and others here sober today by simply posting, which reminds us that we all started right where you are right now. I hope one of the women here with some time and/or maturity in the program will correspond with you at length. We are all here for you, but all things considered, I pray that a strong woman in AA finds you.

Thanks and Welcome - keep coming back!
Rob

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Hi Misu,

So very happy you found us here. As far as age, when you find a meeting schedule, look up newcomers meetings, they are full of young people. As well as a good handful of people with a lot of time, being there for you.

As you have read so many here came in at your age, and what Turningrey said is so crystal clearly the truth, you can look at this differently. Your whole life is ahead of you.

I agree, finding a completely safe place first, then getting to some meetings. You sound like a young lady that has just walked out of HELL, and here you are. My heart is just leaping off the pages to hug you, and say, no matter what, it never has to be that way again. Just hold on for dear life my new friend.

This MIP website is truly a wonderful place, and you are now a part of us, but you physically need to find a place where you can feel SAFE. First.

Please write today, and as often as you can, we care, and want to help you get through this....new start for yourself......

A Hundred warm hugs to you, you are not ALONE...please remember that.

One of your new friends, Toni

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

If you've had enough and it hurts enough and you want to stop, you're at the right place. No-one needs to go to the depths. You could be looking at years and years of a great life ahead. You're not too young. I know some young men who are now middle aged and been sober since they were young men. I had to wait until late middle age before I was ready. I hope you're ready now.

carlasober · Senior Member

Welcome misu, glad that you are here. Your story is alot like mine. I have been were you been. You do not have to live or feel like that again if you don't want. This is what I heard when I first got sober. It was true! When I hit my bottom, I went to treatment. I stayed there for 9 1/2 months(it takes what it takes). When I was there, we had to get a sponsor, go to meetings and study the Big Book. They continued to tell us that when we leave make sure that we continue on this path because it will be different when we get out. It was different and I felt different. Work still needed to be done. My sponsor spent more time with me since I was out of treatment. We attended AA meetings. I believe that this is where I really found out that I was never alone. I was looking at them face to face(fellowship). They are me and I am them. "We" admitted that we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable"(59). Wow, what a feeling, I am home at last. She guided me through the 12 steps of Alcoholic Anonymous. One Day at A time, my life has changed for the better. Keep Coming Back!

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Misu, I also am struck by your ability to express yourself in writing. You may be young, but you seem to process things at a more mature level. I think you are right when you say "I am too young for this" only in that you are too young to be throwing your life away on addiction. I have an addictive personality too as pretty much everyone does here. I still have other unhealthy addictions such as smoking and drinking too much coffee...and sometimes relationship addiction (though that one is getting better). My alcohol addiction is in remission though because I replaced it with a healthy addiction and a new lifestyle which is AA. You might not find a lot of people your age in the rooms, but you will find people who have been where you were/are and you will find such encouragement and hope if you take the steps recommended. I can say I know about 5 people in the fellowship I belong to that are about your age. And I also know several others who got sober at your age and are my age now with almost 20 years sobriety. They have a quality of life I admire and they spared themselves having to go through worse times that were undoubtedly ahead. I also wanted to share Misu, that my coming into the rooms started with a series of injuries, one where I fell backwards and split my head on a coffee table while so drunk...I had to go to the hospital and was stuck with a 2000 dollar bill I couldn't pay cuz I didn't have insurance at the time. Then I had a drunken car crash where I was sure my world was over. At that point it was just like...enough is enough. My life was so out of control and AA was the lifeboat I crawled into and I am so glad I did. You sound mature enough, smart enough, and ready for this. Have courage and do what you think is right. You don't have to live this life anymore. Truly, you never have to drink or use again and AA is there for you.

Love,

Mark

Avril G · Senior Member

turninggrey wrote:

Hey Misu,
here is one of the threads you should read:

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?aBID=42735&p=3&topicID=31181218

You may want to PM Joni to get some lady to lady contact.
Tom
(I wish I was smart enough to make my links work by clicking, you will probably have to cut and paste.)

(did it for you Tom )

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 18th of October 2009 09:20:25 AM

Hiya Turning, when you reply to a post, don't use quick reply if posting a link, click on the reply icon top right of the post you're replying to. Copy the link, then when the reply to: box opens before you paste the link click on the icon in the toolbar above the box, and just below the B I U there is a link icon, click on that before pasting the URL, and it'll be a clickable link.

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Misu,

I'm kind of like Dean. Alcohol was my first choice, started at 12 and never thought of quitting until I was almost 30. The drugs entered the scene when I turned 17 and boy did that add spice to my parties!

I didn't have any degree of success with sobriety until I was almost 30. I go to meetings now and look at many teenagers and I'm a bit envious of them. It takes a lot of strength and courage, in my opinion, to get sober at a young. Strength and courage I didn't have.

I met a young lady when she was 17 and she got into AA. Now a 19, she has two years sobriety and has become everybody's daughter at those meetings. She shares stories about college parties and the pressures of trying to fit in - sober. But like she says, "I can't drink, I don't want to let everyone down."

She got that attitude through AA and a good sponsor.

Best wishes,
Dave

Avril G · Senior Member

HIYA MISU - I really, really do hope you stick around for long enough to understand that No-one is too young, too old, too clever, too stupid, or too ANYTHING to restart their life over again if drink is screwing yours up.

I was kicked out of High School at age 15. My first drunk was at the age of 12, and I thought that alcohol was the elixir of life. I lost many friends, partners, jobs and homes up to the age of 29, when I first went to an AA meeting, and decided I was too young, too .......(insert words of your choice here)

I decided I wasn't an alcoholic, certainly not an alkie of the sort I saw in those earlt meetings (I did drop into meetings ad hoc, usually drunk and abusive, for around 7 years, some which I cannot recall, but have been told about)

Aged 34, and with 2 young daughters, I put myself in ICU after an overdose, my life wasn't worth living, I was totally addicted to alcohol, but still claimed I was too young. Having survived the overdose (I was resuscitated, and critically ill for 48 hours) I left hospital, called in the off license for a bottle to accompany my large bottle of antidepressants the trick cyclist had prescribed, and started the next 2 years of alcoholic drinking.

I finally hit bottom aged 36, and my last drink was July 11th 1990. Since getting sober, I have worked in many service positions in AA, my favourite being talking to schoolkids, colleges and uni's to kids between ages 14 - 20's, just to try to put the message out that young people in AA deserve the greatest admiration, for realising they have a problem before their lives are ruined.

I've read somewhere in our literature that the aim of Public Information is to let people know what we are, where we are and who we are, and hopefully arm them with some facts which might make them realise earlier that they might have a problem and get help. To raise the level of the rock bottom so that it hits THEM, rather than waiting to hit the bottom, by which time we are pretty low down the scale.

Here's a link to our Big Book, which has all the information about alcoholism and recovery from it http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm and I do hope you stick around here and keep asking the questions, I don't know all the answers, and I doubt anyone else here does, BUT collectively, our support, caring experience and knowledge just might help you make the best decision of your young life.

I once heard a girl share at an AA convention, and she was 22, but with 6 YEARS of sobriety!! The whole place erupted into cheers and applause, what a great life someone that age can have, because, as impossible as it probably seems to you NOW, believe me, there IS life after alcohol, and I love every single minute of it.

Keep Coming Back.

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

misu

Welcome!! It is difficult to add to what has already been said. I would like to let you know what I was told when I first came to AA. I was in tremendous mental pain and I was told "You never have to feel this way again" They were right.

Now I would like to tell you

"You never have to feel this way again"

AA has a solution that works. It worked for me and it will work for you!!

I started drinking Alcoholically at 15 years of age when I was a Boy Scout.
The youngest person I have met personnaly in AA was 12 years old and his
story would raise the hair on the back of my neck.

We are never too young or too old for AA.
_______________________________________________________________
Though no-one can go back and make a brand new start,
anyone can start from now and make a brand new end.

misu · Member

Wow, I am truly amazed at the responses I recieved, and so soon! I have to say, I am entirely greatful-even had a bit of wet eye while reading the replies you all have so kindly posted. Honestly, I did not expect any replies and only to find myself at another dead end attempt to get help...I'm so glad my expectations were not realized.
I am ashamed of what I am, and it has kept me from openly admitting my problem to others (though I know they are aware of it, I'd rather keep it an unsaid truth) so the most comfortable "first step" I could choose, was to talk to complete strangers and start from there.
My battles with the bottle are going to be a hard one to get over, and it will be a trailsome task to not immerse myself into the lifestyle of people my age and take part. Surely, I may lose some "friends" while doing so, but I do believe in my right mind, I will gain more for myself and my future.
Last week was horrible, the cure for any hangover is more alcohol, and I am a 5'1 girl and pretty small, but I drink like a man and I have a feeling when I get near alcohol, I must consume everything in my midst as quickly as possible. What has been really frightening is the amounts of black outs I have lately, they are constant, and it is frightening to hear what I have said to people and done-I can go from yelling and screaming, getting in fights, to going with anyone anywhere, trusting anyone-and I'm sure you all know what I mean by that.

Alcoholism runs in my family, especially on the woman's side for some reason... so does this lovely anxiety disorder and major depression disorder-all of which I have aquired. So it makes for a splendid cocktail of possibilities of a negetive nature.

I will look into AA in my near area, but I am a poor student who lives in a little apartment thanks to social security, and thanks to some jerk last week, all my personal information, id's, bank cards, etc, are in the hands of someone else. With barely any money it seems hard to find a way, if there even is AA meetings in Finland...
Tomorrow its another humiliating experience of reporting yet again another lost/stolen bank card, another stolen ID, and getting all that sorted. But thankfully, I still have all my body parts which is a solace of mine.

I really feel like there is a community here, that people who don't even know me can genuinely care for me-though I'm just print on a screen. I think that is beautiful.
Truly, thanks again to all of you.
Love

misu · Member

OH YES!
I found an English speaking AA group not too far away!

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

misu wrote:

OH YES!
I found an English speaking AA group not too far away!

Yeah! smile

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Hooray Misu! I'm so glad you found a meeting! I've been thinking on & off about you & your situation all day as I went about my work. I'm relieved that you checked back & replied.

You said...
"I am ashamed of what I am"

That's called "hitting bottom". Remember that feeling well. It's your turning point; the end of "the tape" we all play in our heads when temptations arise or when we feel we've bettered our adversary. My "tape" ends with a commitment to die at my own hands.

You also said...
"so the most comfortable "first step" I could choose, was to talk to complete strangers and start from there."

Now we're not complete strangers anymore.

If you stay on this path, you'll find that AA runs on a host of principles and practices that have worked for millions of people before us, a strong personal relationship with your Higher Power as you understand it, and Love. Lots and lots of real Love.

Kinda funny story...stay with it until the end.
I live in a small town; pop. 8000. I work in sales/copywriting for one of two independant radio broadcasting companies here and we compete FIERCELY for advertising revenue. My enemy plays dirty and I work for the underdog. Our fomat is Alternative and our competitor is Classic rock and Country. So anyway, I walk into my first meeting, feeling insecure and scared and who's chairing the meeting but my enemy; the Owner of the other stations!! He didn't recognize me, but any of his sales people would have. They all hate me. For real. Solid hate. My clients tell me so.
After a week of meetings I decided to choose a potential sponsor. I told the Owner who I was and who I worked for and that I wanted him to be my sponsor. He thought for a minute or two and said "Of course I will. We have a lot in common. This will be good for both of us." We set some ground rules, of course, most importantly "who you see here and what you hear here, please let it stay here" and we added "but on the street, the gloves are off and may the best man win!"
This man has become the single most important living man in my life and has shown me Love I never knew I was worthy of. I had the honor of presenting him with his 30 year medallion. I Love my enemy.

The point is...in AA it's truly all for one and one for all - no matter where we come from, what race, creed, color, nationality, gender, sexual destiny, age or station in life. When you're in AA - you have millions of friends you've just never met yet. Welcome.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to go have a real conversation with my wife about something that is concerning her. Something I would not really have cared about doing 109 days ago. 109 days ago I was willing to leave her a widow and my children fatherless.

Thank God for hitting bottom and surviving.

Goodnight Misu - keep coming back.
Rob

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Good stuff Rob, as usual smile

kkotz401 · Senior Member

Hi misa. Welcome to the board. I too have had some dangerous experience with alcohol and the like and have gotten myself in situations that were very dangerous. I realized I have to change the situation and have said good bye to some of the people I used to hang out with so that I could stay sober. I might recommend going to some sort of halfway house. I know you probably can't afford rehab. Try going to some local AA meeting to make new, sober friends and get yourself a sponser.

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Welcome, Misu! I hope you continue to come back, so I can get to know you!

Joni

magicangelz · Member

hey there Misu..trust me, you are not alone in any of your experiences...as unfortunate as they are...just know that we are here for you...and thank you for being here for us...thank you for being you...you are truly special, and we need you here...
Lori

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

misu wrote:

OH YES!
I found an English speaking AA group not too far away!

Finland??? Yikes! Is it anything like this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgTyVkpJY3g

Or this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzwbt4m_KWM&feature=related

-- Edited by turninggrey on Sunday 18th of October 2009 08:54:25 PM

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Misu...Welcome also. I am gratified for all of the responses and support
that you have received regardless of how you see and feel about yourself. You
will find that at one time we all had that in common.

Also not amazing is how similar our stories are with some exceptions like size
and age.   I guess I was at one time 5'1" and I have a vague memory of 17
and 18 and high school but then only vague because drinking was more my
subject of choice and I was also moving past the shock, confusion and denial
of what it was doing to my life also.  Although my mom was expecting a daughter
and my name was supposed to be Michelle it didn't happen that way and by
physique and time and luck I did reach the accepted stature of a man. I don't
know what it is like to drink like one...I drank like an alcoholic and should you arrive
at drinking like I did and as you describe in your post...everything in sight as fast
as you could you will arrive at where I have on occasion and maybe an inch beyond.
Alcohol will tear a woman up faster and into littler pieces than a man which may
explain how you have been so terribly treated.   The inch beyond? that is the one
drink beyond what it takes to get a person past overdose and into the morgue.
Thank God I did not have the facilities to get into an past that inch. I have been
unattended comatose. Some day I will hear (hopefully) all of your story. I know
there is more when it will come to you.   Your age? Remarkable that you are
here at your age.   Remarkable that you maybe alcoholic and not oppositional
defiant too.   I was out until 37. I met a local member last week who is 21 and
just celebrated 1 year sobriety. My step son is 38 years of age and has celebrated
21 years of continuous sobriety and is married to a woman who has nearly as
much time outside of drugs and alcohol. I don't know if he ever fell onto railroad
tracks and suffered a concussion. I'm pretty sure he hasn't reached overdose.
What I am sure of is that we are all sober now.   He got sober as a result of the
first visit I made to his home. He was walking out to go use and I was invited
for Mexican food.   His mom had told him I would visit and that I had nine years
sober. Before he left he asked me what it was that caused me to stop drinking
and I told him that I had found out that there was no law that said I had to. He
told his friend to go on without him and stayed to hear more.   That was the last
time he has ever drank or used. Crazy how somethings happen and then for
me I see the hand of God in crazy today.   I read your post and I see very literate.
I read your desire to be clean and sober and I revisit miracles of my own and of
others. I read what has happened to you and I hear "Child of God" who might
one day bring another like you into the same doors you have just come thru.

I know the power of this disease. I am still a student here learning from this
MIP family. I know the power of this program if you want that kind of power.
If you have arrived at that point where I arrived...willing to do as much to save
my ass and spirit as the others in the room were; I am in support.   There is
no law written that says you had to go thru what you went thru or that you
ever have to go thru it again as long as you choose not to and do the opposite
thing.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP, Michelle. It is beautiful to meet you & to see your willing heart to get well which, despite all you've been through, is entirely possible 1Day@aTime 1Step@aTime. Here's two meetings I found in our British 'Where to find AA'..

Helsinki High Noon Friday 12.00 Boulevardi 16B, Fin-00120
Helsinki Survivors Saturday 18.00 Same address & number

Call ahead & check if these are still running. They were last updated in 2005 but could very likely be going strong. Nevertheless, keep looking & you will find more friends like us. We're here to keep each other strong while you're busy in where you are too.

Never Alone Again. Recovery loving, Danielle x

Avril G · Senior Member

misu wrote:

OH YES!
I found an English speaking AA group not too far away!

YAY, well done girl!! Let us have a 'first meeting report', and well done. It never ceases to amaze me just how many similarities I hear in another persons drunkalogue!! I am so glad that when I wake up nowadays, I am either in MY OWN bed alone, (bad times) OR I turn to the guy next to me in my own bed and recognise him, and even know his NAME!!!!(Good Times)

This relationship was spawned in AA, on a site like this 10 years ago, and although due to my partners work commitments (he is living and working in Belgium, and is a Belgium, born and bred in Brussels) we have to spend long periods apart, I look forward to him being back home when he gets home.

Your post took me right back to my pre-AA days, waking up with the rat in the stomach, looking around a room I didn't recognise, and when that familiar realisation hit - 'OH NO, I've done it AGAIN!!' The gorgeous guy who looked like a movie star the night before on the dancefloor had turned into Godzilla!!!!

I figure I must be allergic to alcohol beyond any shadow of doubt, for when I drank, I broke out in spots - Spots I shouldn't BE in, like iin bed with a strange guy, OR in a car with a strange Guy, or sometimes on a beach, or park with.........OH HELL, you know how it goes, you talked about it yourself. My life is so much simpler today, and much happier too.

This is the AA Just For Today card, which I have carried with me for almost 20 years (NOT the same one, they do tend to disintigrate eventually) biggrin I still read it very often (sometimes daily)

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once.

Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I wiil take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways; I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests : hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Happy to hear you're possibly getting now at 18 instead of 38 like me!!!! My son just turned 19 and has more sobriety time than I do! I"m soooo proud of him. YOu should be proud of yourself..........don't drink, no matter what. Go to meetings and pray.

Praying for you ...........

misu · Member

I had a bad dream last night, in which my room mates at my school left me alone and told me they would not hang out with me because they said I'm an alcoholic, I woke up all of a sudden and could not fall back asleep because of the shame and sadness I felt. For some reason I feel like people are talking behind my back about my problem constantly... A lot of people have seen me drunk and seen my horrid behaviour, I feel like it has stained me and now I just do not know how to fix that...
So I was wondering, to all of you that have recovered and been sober for some time now,
How do I go about proving to people I am a better person?
How do I gain back all those lost friends due to my problems?
How do I gain back the one I love?

These are questions I am really pondering, because I know if I am lonely I am bound for some issues... Solitude is of course freedom, but loneliness is a prison, and I feel pretty lonely right now. Just don't know how to rebuild what I have destroyed during the past.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my mother, someone who was a child of an alcoholic, and going to talk to her about going to AA and ask if she may give me a ride there. I hope those meetings are still going on in English! Unfortunatly, my phone is out of credit so I can not make any phone calls.
I feel powerful, and I hope this lasts-and I do not fall back into my old ways. I mean, its only been a few days, so of course its easy... but I have a high resolve at the moment, and I have finally come back to school (which I missed 3 weeks of) and I have NO desire to drink. I have tickets to a concert in the city and I either am giving them away or just not using them, because I know the temptations there are too great. Finland drinks. Literally, the whole country is an alcoholic so its everywhere and in EVERY social situation.

I just want to learn to CONTROL myself, and before then, I ought to be sober for some time I believe, with no drinks.

Anyway, if someone can answer my questions I would greatly appreciate the advice. I'm at a loss as to what I ought to do at this point.
Thanks & love to ALL of you
(:

Avril G · Senior Member

misu wrote:

I had a bad dream last night, in which my room mates at my school left me alone and told me they would not hang out with me because they said I'm an alcoholic, I woke up all of a sudden and could not fall back asleep because of the shame and sadness I felt.

It was only a dream, we have all had them I'm sure, what we call drinking dreams, you are feeling very guilty, and all I can say to that one is 'SCREW GUILT!!' Would we be guilty if we had found out we were diabetic? Had leukaemia? Had gangrene of the leg? NO, we wouldn't but this is the very nature of OUR disease, it tries to convince us that if we stop drinking we will be forever lonely and miserable, and will never have any friends.

For some reason I feel like people are talking behind my back about my problem constantly... A lot of people have seen me drunk and seen my horrid behaviour, I feel like it has stained me and now I just do not know how to fix that...

There might well be SOME truth in this, but I'll bet my bottom dollar most of this is paranoia, another major symptom of alcoholism.

So I was wondering, to all of you that have recovered and been sober for some time now,
How do I go about proving to people I am a better person?
How do I gain back all those lost friends due to my problems?
How do I gain back the one I love?

I can't answer these ones, but again from mucho experience, I can tell you that if your 'friends' need you to prove you are a better person, or need any convincing to still be your friend because you are making an effort to stay alive and improve your life in recovery, then ask yourself, are they friends? Well, are they? Really?

I initially hoped that I would get back the 'one I loved' but 6 months into recovery, I realised I didn't really love him, and I didn't want him back.

These are questions I am really pondering, because I know if I am lonely I am bound for some issues... Solitude is of course freedom, but loneliness is a prison, and I feel pretty lonely right now. Just don't know how to rebuild what I have destroyed during the past.

One of the slogans you will most likey see in AA meeting rooms is 'YOU ARE NO LONGER ALONE' I stopped going into my usually drinking haunts where I used to meet all my 'friends' around mid June 1990, and guess what? All MY 'friends' missed me so much to this day I have NEVER HAD a call from any of them to ask how I am!!! I did once sit next to one of my old 'friends' when I was around 18 months sober, we were both at the hairdressers (We start to take more pride in our appearance once we swop old buddies for true AA friends) and I spoke to her and she looked at me with that, 'Oh God, who IS she? I know her from somewhere but WHERE?' kinda look on her face.

This girl and I and lots of other 'friends' drank together week in week out, but she didn't even recognise me. If you stick around AA and stick with sober people, you WILL rebuild the parts of your life which are going to be good for your recovery, the rest, you will realise have no place in your life anymore and you will meet new friends, do new things, and form new relationships and real friendships with real people who DO give a shit about you. These people will help you along and help you make your own decisions about what will be good for your sobriety, and what won't. Since getting sober, and still regularly going to 2 AA meetings a week, if I miss a meeting without letting someone know I can't make it, my phone starts to ring, they are concerned that I may be ill, or may need some help with something.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my mother, someone who was a child of an alcoholic, and going to talk to her about going to AA and ask if she may give me a ride there. I hope those meetings are still going on in English!

I spent 2 years in Belgium with my partner JC who I met on an AA forum very much like this one, and the English speaking meetings were mostly held in Brussels, and I hated driving over there, so I spent a lot of time in French speaking meetings, understanding nothing much at all, but you know what, the power of the recovery in AA is the same in any language, I felt the love and fellowship in those meetings, and on my 10th AA birthday, this French group gave me a lovely cake with candles and sang 'Bon Anniversaire' to me. I may not have understood much of what was said in the meetings, but many of them who could speak English did so at the end and between the meetings.

Unfortunately, my phone is out of credit so I can not make any phone calls.

I only have the experience based on the meetings I have attended but if a newcomer says this in a meeting, we ask if she would like to give us her number so we can call her. If she wants it bad enough and is willing to go to any lengths to get it, she'll be relieved to do so. I have also given permission for them to call me on a reverse charge call, because people did it for ME until I could get mysef in a position to afford to use the phone.

I feel powerful, and I hope this lasts-and I do not fall back into my old ways. I mean, its only been a few days, so of course its easy... but I have a high resolve at the moment, and I have finally come back to school (which I missed 3 weeks of) and I have NO desire to drink.

Hold that thought!!! it IS (sometimes) easy at first when you get the idea that this is REALLY worth doing, but it can STAY easy if you use the tools - go to meetings as often as you can, talk to people, ask questions, and even when it DOES get difficult, you don't need to drink about it. The ONLY requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking, and you say you have that, so WELCOME TO THE CLUB Get in the middle of the bed, less chance you'll fall out that way.

I have tickets to a concert in the city and I either am giving them away or just not using them, because I know the temptations there are too great. Finland drinks. Literally, the whole country is an alcoholic so its everywhere and in EVERY social situation.

WOW lady, this tells me you DO mean business, and it sure sounds like a good idea not to go at this stage, but believe me, there WILL come a time when you will be able to do this stuff and not even NOTICE that there is drink flowing. My partner, born and bred in Brussles, Belgium showed me all the lovely beers they have over there, and often when visitors have been at an AA meeting and we go on for coffee in a cafe they ask, 'Holy shit!! How can anyone stay SOBER here? Everywhere you LOOK theres beer, gallons of it' It can be done and there are many living proofs of it here and you will meet more in real f2f meetings.

OMG!!! I just read this and realised how Long it is,

I was on a bloody roll there eh? Sorry if you've all fallen asleep, I just feel so passionate about people who express such a determination to start their recovery I just babble on a bit - It might not help anyone else to READ all this shit, but it sure helps me to look back at what happened, what it was like and what it is like now.

God Bless you Misu, feel free to message or email me, or any of the others on here, we are all here to help each other, and reading your posts sure has helped me, and for that I THANK YOU

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

"How do I go about proving to people I am a better person?
How do I gain back all those lost friends due to my problems?
How do I gain back the one I love?"

I have only my experience & my opinion to offer.

My first two weeks in AA were the hardest. Not becuase of not-drinking, but because my wife had yet to decide if I would remain in the same home as her or not. She was angry, resentful and scared. I had brought her to that point.
So while this Sword of Damacles was hanging over my head, I'm in my single-digit days of AA. Talk about stress!!! The Old Timers all told me the same sort of thing;

Get sober for YOU. Your wife may kick you out. Stay sober. She may move away to another state using her parent's money and take your kids with her. Stay sober. You may lose your job. Stay sober. Your sobriety is job one. That's why WE'RE here, because only you can do it, but you can't do it alone.

Misu, I've been lucky. I took to the Program like a duck to water and the effects are obvious; I look better, I'm a kinder, gentler person, I don't internalize as much crap as I used to and I rarely ever get sad any more. The people who loved me before, love me more. The people who liked my drunken company have faded away. Too bad. No sweat off my a**. One of them has been my "best friend" for 25 years. Godfather to two of my kids. Stood with me at my mother's funeral. He 'drunk-dialed' me the other night and I had to tell him not to do that ever again. Ouch.

Hang in there. It gets better. Do the right thing for Michelle, and everything else will fall into place.

Rob

misu · Member

Well I guess I must do this for me, and yes, the people that truly do care about me will stick by my side despite if I do drink, or if I don't. Still, I had one person who loved me very much but I abused him so much and he tried so hard to help me but I just pushed him away. Now I have lost him forever I suppose, there does not seem to be much hope to get him back, he is now disgusted with me but very happy that I am finally fixing myself... I guess I'll have to take from this just to learn what to do to the next person that comes along and steals my heart, I ought to treat them the way they deserve.
I just feel like damaged goods that no one would find appealing, but mabe when I get sober and be true to the real me, then it is possible to find that love again...

And Avril, your message was not to long! I enjoyed reading it and as always you were very supportive and helpful to me. Truly, I am very blessed to have found this community to confide in.

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Michelle,

You are absolutely right. You gotta do this for you. I had to do it for me.
I just got done reading a powerful and entertaining book, Dry, by Augusten Burroughs. Give it a run.

Have faith. It WILL be not just okay, but better! Eventually, in your recovery, hopefully you will feel the pain of steps 4&5, the magic of 6&7 and take that knowledge and strength into 8&9. Maybe you should just leave this guy alone until after 8 and seriously sit down with your sponsor to figure out #9 for this guy. I took on amends to my first love WAY before I was truly ready, and the knowledge of how deeply I had hurt her almost sent me spiralling into relapse.

Got meetings and a sponsor yet?

"I just feel like damaged goods"
Two comments...
1) Against alcohol, we all are, that's why we band together in AA to become better.
2) If any of that feeling stems from the assault...please, shosho misu, my Friend, get help. I've known many women (and myself) who didn't, and the internalization of the emotions you may feel powerless to express can become a cancer that starts in your most basic sense of security and spreads to your self-esteem and beyond.

One of the 12 promises of AA goes something like this
"We will neither regret the past, nor wish to close the door on it."
That means that IF you work the program, you WILL stop feeling ashamed of people you've hurt, love lost, opportunities missed and misdeeds. You will learn from your past in a healthy way.

Rob

Jane05 · MIP Old Timer

Little late, but Welcome Michelle!!!

Lots of good stuff here folks smile