On Wednesday I was chairing our home group's weekly step study meeting. We had about 20 members present and we were discussing step 8. Among those present was a long time member who has been out doing more research. He was slightly drunk that morning but not causing any disturbance at all. About 3/4 of the way through the meeting a member with about 4 years sobriety got up from his seat and moved directly across from this fellow. He then proceeded to start challenging him loudly in a manner very similar to an intervention. He went on full attack asking what are you going to do different this time, How are you going to do it different. what step are you working and so on. You get the idea. After I brief time I told our sober member that this is not the time or place for this confrontation. Our 4 year member got angry grabbed our drunk member and stormed out of the meeting. I have not seen either one since.
I apologized to the group but they all assured me that they were glad that I stopped it.
I am open for your input. After all I still have an alcoholic brain and I need to check with others on a regular basis to see if I am thinking and acting sanely.
Larry, I am not sure what else you could have done. You had to keep order, and the sober guy was way out of line. I guess as a group you need to get with the sober guy and go over the ground rules. I hope the sober guy did not turn into a drunk guy. You did exactly what I would have done. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I think you did well Larry. Far as Im concerned the chair person is in charge of the meeting and all in attendance of that meeting have the right to hear and see AA recovery. The sober guy with 4 yrs was wayyyyyy out of line.
I have had to interrupt meetings before due to somebody being distruptive or rude or even off topic. I simply re-introduce myself as an alcoholic and ask that the member in question please wait to discuss what ever it is they are talking about till after the meeting.
Ultimately it would have been nice for this sober guys sponsor to get him and the not so sober guy out of the meeting and have their own little meeting. Or , another option if possible would have been for you to ask somebody to take over the meeting for you and then you escort the disruptive person (s ) outside or in another room.
Does your home group have an introductory meeting format that is read before the meeting starts so that members know what to expect ? ie : like no cross talk, no swearing, stay on topic, no cell phones, etc.
I have to remember that God is the ultimate authority and when faced with problems anywhere in my life today, I consult Him , or do the best I can to remember to pray to Him for guidance. Sometimes I forget. But in situations like you were involved in, the best thing to do is stay calm and remember that everyone is there for a reason. And that not everybody in AA is well.
I'd have done the same thing Larry and I'd probably not been as nice about it. As far as them leaving, you can't get anyone sober and you can't make them drink. The sad thing is that only 1 out 20 makes it in this program and if that that 1 person came to a meeting and there were bars on the doors and windows he would find a way to break in and nothing or no one would be able to make him/her leave. This program is for people who want it, not for people who merely need it.
You may never get another opportunity to do what you just did in service... "And I have found that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems..."
SPOT ON LARRY!!! If that had happened in a meeting I was chairing, I'd have done the same, but also, if there were a few sober guys in the room, I'd have asked them to go after the two of them, and try to get the relapser back inside and wish the '4 year sober' guy a very loud 'Goodnight'
'Our common welfare must come first, personal recovery depends upon AA unity'
Again a lesson to be learned, and proof that what I believe is true - length of 'sobriety' is not always an indication of recovery. Good onya for doing a great job of chairing the meeting.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Larry, I've never been to a Step Meeting, but if the guidelines are even remotely the same as a regular AA closed meeting; you did the right thing. The drunk guy came in for help, not ridicule. Thanks for upholding the principles.
I'm glad that the hardest thing I've had to do chairing a meeting is say "Thanks ________ , next?" when Rambler Man goes too long. I was scared of seeming rude the first time I did that, but my Sponsor assured me that with Rambler Man's debilitated faculties due to years & years of booze and a couple of strokes, it has to be done sometimes and Rambler Man doesn't take it personally. I still felt like a kid who shouldn't be disrespecting my elders, though. Rambler Man is 20+ years sober.
Thank you for this post. Something like this came up for me in a meeting last week. It isn't one of my regular go-to faves. Someone was there, who has long time sobriety and possibly in my opinion anyway, mental health issues, based on his rambling and preachy shares I've witnessed the few other times I've gone to this particular meeting. The chair was a newer comer, and didn't appear to be willing to let him know his four min. was up, or to please wrap it up, so others could share. Well, two other people there started in, talking about this guy right in the middle of his share, "He always does this, I'm so sick of it. It's ruining my serenity", etc. essentially started taking someone else's inventory. Nothing else was said directly about this during the meeting. However, afterwards I came outside and the three were screaming at each other. I couldn't continue my conversation with another member, it was so loud. The two dudes were telling the first how he was ruining the meeting for newcomers and such. His response, was to shout about the code of AA tolerance. Not that all three didn't have a point. The end result for me is that I will avoid this meeting(daily, 7:00AM) unless I am compelled by HP to attend. At one point I thought it was going to come to fistacuffs. I called my sponsor, we had a laugh, that members are in different states of recovery, and different mental states at different times. I guess the night before there was a big fight in another meeting at the clubhouse too, with different people. We talked about how each meeting is autonomous, and can even change daily. If the chair isn't willing to step up and remind people about the parameters, they can get crazy. I've heard stories about some hard and angry meetings. My sponsor indicated that people need different types of meetings at different times. I know that I prefer a meeting where spirituality and tolerance are palpibly present. It's good to hear that everyone comes up against different stuff in meetings. I guess we have to remember that we're there because we're all sick people, channel HP, and keep going.
It happens all over the world, I'm sure, cos I share on AA boards and in meetings all over the world and I know it happens.
I also know that everyone I see/hear in AA has a message to pass to me. Some show me how it should be done, and others show me how it SHOULDN'T be done (I belonged in the latter group for 7 years myself)
I need to see disruptions in meetings, it reminds ME of what I was like.
I need to see relapsers in meetings, reminding me of what I was and COULD EASILY be again
I need to see newcomers in meetings to remind me that whilst each and every one of us is different, we are basically all the same.
I need to ask questions, particularly in early days, because I didn't know who 'the winners' I had been told to stick with were.
I was told that I shouldn't judge anyone in AA, BUT if I didn't like someones attitude to recovery, I could choose not to spend too much time with them.
I was told to love everyone in AA, even the ones I didn't LIKE. Not an easy task I may say, and still today, my home is only an 'open house' to certain people, though it is open to more people than I coud ever have imagined in early recovery.
I believe that someday, 'All Will Be Revealed' but I doubt it will happen in MY lifetime.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
You certainly did the right thing. Doing that is a way to the door for the night in the meetings that I do to. It's not easy when someone shows up plastered and frankly it makes me feel uncomfortable (sorry for the person, reminder of where I can go if lose touch with the steps, fearful that they're going to go nuts in the room like drunks do), but attacking someone is not going to get them sober.
It's also worth bearing in mind something that a long-timer (I won't call her an old-timer ;) ) said to me recenty. She said that there are sometimes people in AA who aren't even alkies but go b/c they get off on feeling superior to others. And either way, there are sometimes narcissists who either crave the approval of others, or putting other people down to elicit a response from them. The power of the programme is openness, but that can be abused by others, as in this case.
AA is not about us becoming doormats, individally or collectively. I dropped my first sponsor *immediately* when he said that assertiveness was more or less a means of us being selfish and not thinking about others.
