The Fourth Step: How to approach it?

Glenns · Veteran Member

The Fourth Step: How to approach it?

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Glenns...I know you are going to get a lot of responses to this post. As for
me it took me 5 years at least to get unscrewed before getting into a 4th step at
any level. I wouldn't tangle with it by recommendation until you get into an
honest understanding of the second part of the 1st step. "...and that our lives had
become unmanageable." "Easy does it" is, I believe, one of the very best slogans
we have and for me it means "Slow way down" because my habit and default is to
move way to fast for sanity. smile

ljc · MIP Old Timer

Good for you !! this step is where you're gonna find out where your natural desire for social, security and sexual gain has warped your mind.
However, it is ( or rather was for me ) vitally important that I had done a thorough 3rd step just the way the book describes . And it does say that we are to do the step with another person. Have you done that yet ? Do you know the 3rd step prayer like the back of your hand and completely understand it ?

the 4th step was not so bad once I had good guidance from a good sponsor who knew what She was doing. Previously in my attempts at getting sober I had sponsors who told me to write down everything I ever did bad in my life or felt guilty about . Wrong !!

Its a grudge list, a resentment list.
Its not about anything good I did in my life. ( altho the 12+12 mentions assets for the 4th step ). The BB does not. to my knowledge anyways.

I got some paper and a pen. I thought back thru my life, looking at ppl, places and things that I had resentments towards . If when remembering a grudge it made me as mad while thinking about it as it did when it happened, then I wrote it down. If it happened 20 yrs ago and I was still pissed about it ,I wrote it down.
If I had a grudge against my Mom or Dad cuz I didnt get the bike I wanted when I was 12 and I wasnt pissed about it anymore, forget about it, dont bother with it.
I only wrote down grudges that I was still hanging on to.

Then I met with my sponsor and she and I put those grudges in the columns. Very simple.

It was then and there that I found out what my character defects were.
and yes fear is the biggie. It is the catalyst of all my defects. From fear stems the rest of them .... jealousy, self pity, critisism, anger, etc.
It all starts with fear. Primarily fear that I will lose something I already possess, or fear that I wont get something I think I deserve.

Just make sure you are solid with the 3rd step. Well and obviously the 2 prior to that as well.
Step 1 is the problem, step 2 is the answer, and step 3 is the secret to recovery, and where real sobriety begins.
I had to always rely on God to help me with each and every step. Its vitally important that I draw on His power.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Glenn, Here's a guide to working the steps that has a 4th step worksheet that I thought was excellent.

http://www.docstoc.com/docs/6076732/AA-12-Steps.

If you're going to do a 4th step, do you have a person in mind to do the 5th step with? It's important to do you're 5th right after you complete the inventory. While I do agree with Jerry about getting a better handle on the first 3 steps, if you're ready to do a 4th and 5th step (they are taken one right after the other) it might do you good to get some stuff off your chest and begin working on character defects. I did my 4th and 5th steps at 5 and 6 months respectively after floundering in the program for 2 years. I may have not done step 2 and 3 perfectly but I needed to get those sick secrets out and deflate them as they were pulling me under.

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

I found that when doing the 4th step it was vitally important to have a sponsor to guide me though it. Not just a friend unless they have already done this step. We need someone who as already done it show us the way.

It was necessary that it be done with pen & paper in writing. Something magical happens when you write it out that does not happen when we simply think about it.

The example in the big book that you mention is for resentments, our #1 problem. Other charector defects are witten out out in a similar fashion.

Some examples are Fear, Dishonesty, Greed, Lust, Procrastination and so on.

My sponsor said to list my positive charector traits, not just my defects. We sometimes try and beat ourselves up too much during the 4th step and this may affect our sobriety.

My Sponsor pointed out to me that the step reads "Made a searching and fearless
MORAL inventory." It does not say IMMORAL inventory.

I agree with Pete that the 5th step should be done right after completing the 4th.

One final thought, We are not perfect and it is important to DO a good 4th step.
It is not important to do a perfect 4th step.
IF I TRIED TO MAKE IT PERFECT I WOULD NEVER HAVE FINISHED AND MOVED ON TO THE 5TH STEP.

It is said in AA that the only step I need to do perfectly is step #1

carlasober · Senior Member

Sponsorship is very important. What is a sponsor? A sponsor(spiritual advisor, etc...)is someone who has working knowledege of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. He/she is there to guide you through the 12 steps. "To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book"(xiii). I began working the steps with the guidance of my sponsor. We started at step 1(the unmanageable part is one of the main reason why i drank)and I followed her directions, one day at a time. The directions came from the Big Book. When I got to step 4, I prayed first(3rd step prayer) and then I began to write my good, bad, right or wrong as I saw it. However it came out, that was my fourth step. My sponsor gave me the sheets to put my resentments, fears,sex conduct and harm done to others down. Which was pretty easy because I wrote them down already in my notebook. If you do not have a sponsor, it is highly suggested that you get one. I couldn't and still can not today, do it alone. Thanks for sharing and Keep Coming Back.

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Glenn,
All good suggestions here. This is a WE program and we suggestion going through this step with a sponsor. My sponsor took me through the steps as there laid out in the BB. Using the big book and the 12 & 12. He had me list out up to 12 for each: resentments against People, Institutions & Principle. Only the biggies that were still bothering me. Name, Cause, Effect & Turnaround(my part in it).
We then went on to complete the Fear and Sex portion.

My sponsor reminds me that it's important to work the steps with a sponsor who works the steps & who has a sponsor that works the steps and so on........
He also told me that this is not a marathon... we needed to do a thorough job... but also we needed to get through it...... Remember Dr. Bob, he completed the majority of his step work within a day or two.

Good luck. The promises have/still come true for me as long as I keep up my spiritual condition.

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Hi Glenn,
I can only share my experience and the way it was with me & my sponsor. The list I made used the one in the Big Book as sort of a guide. I had four columns; the act of wrong, to whom I had done it, why I did it and which of the seven deadly sins it fit into. I confessed all my sins to my sponsor, line by line. We counted up the # of corresponding sins and found three dominators; wrath, greed and hubris. We probed those deeper and found fear at the heart of each one. Step 5; wanted them removed from me.

With this knowledge of my unhealthy motivators, I was able to then move forward strong in the knowledge that freedom from fear would be the flagship of my sobriety, and only my HP could make that possible.

Just my .02

Rob

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

Make sure you have done steps 12&3 fully, then read where the 4th Step starts in the Big Book, completing only one task at a time. The instructions are right there in the book. List all resentments first. Then write why next to every person or institution.... yada yada. I would say that following the Big Book's instructions, you can't go wrong.

zahndi · Member

My experience with 4th step is to do it to the best of my ability in that moment. Allowing myself time to experience my hp walking with me as I remember things/realize things was difficult to understand. I learned after beating myself up and getting no where by thinking I can do it all at once that I do 4th over and over because as the years go by my mind allows me to remember/realize more. And when I do I then have the experience to add on to my journal. I keep all my writing now because I can't remember those precise details in early recovery and the journal is a resource. Most important to me now - it is a way to reassure myself during hard times that I got through difficulties before and I have that strength available anytime I am willing to pray/ask.

FlyingSquirrel · Senior Member

Hi Glenns, this is Glenn S.

I won't give you specific advice 'cause I think you've gotten plenty of good advice already - just thought I'd share one thing with ya though: Be careful! Someone I know drank while doing their 4th step, and I came pretty damn close. I had just gotten done writing everything about my dad, and then he sent me an e-mail that touched my already sore nerves and I fired off 4 emails right back at him, right in a row. Haven't talked to him since. Fortunately it was 3:30 am so I couldn't go buy any alcohol (stores don't sell it after 2am here) and I didn't have any in the house of course. My dad is my biggest resentment. Anyway, good luck!

Glenn

Glenns · Veteran Member

Larry_H wrote:

I found that when doing the 4th step it was vitally important to have a sponsor to guide me though it. Not just a friend unless they have already done this step. We need someone who as already done it show us the way.

It was necessary that it be done with pen & paper in writing. Something magical happens when you write it out that does not happen when we simply think about it.

The example in the big book that you mention is for resentments, our #1 problem. Other charector defects are witten out out in a similar fashion.

Some examples are Fear, Dishonesty, Greed, Lust, Procrastination and so on.

My sponsor said to list my positive charector traits, not just my defects. We sometimes try and beat ourselves up too much during the 4th step and this may affect our sobriety.

My Sponsor pointed out to me that the step reads "Made a searching and fearless
MORAL inventory." It does not say IMMORAL inventory.

I agree with Pete that the 5th step should be done right after completing the 4th.

One final thought, We are not perfect and it is important to DO a good 4th step.
It is not important to do a perfect 4th step.
IF I TRIED TO MAKE IT PERFECT I WOULD NEVER HAVE FINISHED AND MOVED ON TO THE 5TH STEP.

It is said in AA that the only step I need to do perfectly is step #1

To all: Yes, I'm doing the Fourth Step with a sponsor, but he could also be considered a friend. The guy hounds me relentlessly about doing this step, and I go to my Home Group meeting grudgingly, knowing he'll probably be there too, ready to hound me again. But I know what's good for me, so I go to that meeting daily!

Remember, I have social anxiety, and this is probably why I reluctantly go to this meeting--I know full well I'll have to interact with him afterwards (My reluctance has nothing to do with him, nor does it have anything to do with the Fourth Step in of itself. It's just a social phobia thing).

We are listing my resentments on paper, not just vebalising them.

To Larry H, I also heard of the instance when someone's sponsor asked that they list their good qualities. I think this is a bad idea. Why? Because as alcoholics, we are dishonest about things. Alcoholics are self-centered beings, and thus may let pride get in the way. This is true of all alcoholics who haven't gotten to the Fourth Step yet (alcoholics who have completed a thorough Fourth Step are the polar opposite of the former; for we live by a code: the Code of Love and Tolerance (says so in the BB), which is the polar oppoite of living by the code of intolerance and egocentricity).

For years, I deluded myself into believing I was a God-fearing Christian. It wasn't until I reached bottom, and really became rigorously honest with myself on all fronts did I finally accept the fact that I was actually a borderline Atheist, playing the part of the Christian just to please people and believe there's a 'way out' after we die (Heavan). I had been lying to myself all those years as I was going to church!
Now suppose I started your Sponsor's version of the Fourth Step a while back ago, when I was living this delusion. What then? In the "What's Good About Me" column of my "Good Qualities" page, I would have listed, "I'm a Christian who believes in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." Indeed, I would have been wrong!
This is why it's imperative that we do not list our good qualities in our Fourth Step inventory! We don't yet have a clear, honest grasp of our good qualities yet. We haven't attained that high level of rigorous honesty.

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Glenns

One of the reasons my sponsor was so insistant on my listing good qualities is that I thougt I had absolutely nothing good in me at all. You wrote "For years, I deluded myself into believing I was a God-fearing Christian." I had no such delusions. The God I knew was a punishing God and I knew that I was such a bad person in absolutely every area of my life that any moment I would be crushed like a bug under his thumb.

I had no trouble with steps 2 and 3. I believed completely although God could help me I was equally sure that He would not.

The only option left for me, I THOUGHT, was suicide and I spent every waking moment planning how to do it so I would not chicken out and back out. Because at this point I had an extreme desire to take my life but did not have the courage yet to complete it.

I also have no doubt what so ever that I would soon have been able to carry it out using the plan and method that I had decided upon.

This is were my head was at when my sponsor told me to list some good things and even then I could not think of any positive qualities in me until my sponsor suggested some positive items. I firmly believed that he saved my life when I was dragged against my will and was forced to see that I was not entirely bad.

Since then I have sponsored many AA members through the 4th step and have found out that often others are in the same sick frame of mind that I was so many 24 hours ago. We share our Experience, Strength and Hope. So when I recommend a person put down some positive items I am only sharing my experience.

We are all different and what works for me may get you drunk. Your sponsor knows you best so I would suggest following his suggestions.

I Will pray for the best of all things for you. We are in this together

Larry H.

A Sponsor is Someone Who Holds the Light While You Dig

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Glenns wrote

To all: Yes, I'm doing the Fourth Step with a sponsor, but he could also be considered a friend. The guy hounds me relentlessly about doing this step, and I go to my Home Group meeting grudgingly, knowing he'll probably be there too, ready to hound me again. But I know what's good for me, so I go to that meeting daily!

Sounds like a sponsor to me biggrin