Aloha Mark...So did you drink over a resentment or did you just drink cause you
wanted to drink?   My side of the street is the only side I need to keep clean and
my first relationship is with a power greater than myself.   My wife and my bottle
are not my Higher Power any longer.  I don't have the luxury of resentments any
longer and that comes from not liking them and doing what I gotta do to get rid
of them.

There are solutions, over time, for what you are going thru however one of the
requirements for doing those solutions well if at all is don't drink first.  She was
the second one to catch you in that slip.

Hey Mark, there's about 8 topics in your thread that range from semi-related to separate issues. You really need to focus on one at a time, and more importantly just focus on you. Being in a relationship, especially a dysfunctional one, increases the difficultly of getting sober due to the distractions. Jerry mentioned the other person becoming your "higher power". That was certain the case in my situation, but it was much more than that. The person was also a large part of my false self esteem, my "other half" if you will. Being dependent on another person for our happiness will end in failure sooner or later. It's a huge burden for that person. Happiness is in inside job, so it self esteem. One we find through gratitude for who we are and where we're at Today, the other we derive from living our life as closely to our principals as we can.  "Progress not perfection"


-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 15th of October 2009 05:57:29 AM

Hey MDC, if the cycle is:
1. She emails old flame
2. This allows you to drink
3. Repeat

Then do you just keep her around so you can drink? Is she emailing the "friend" because you drink, or because no matter who she was married to, she would have a "friend"? Would you not slip if you were seperated? Do you both need each other in a cycle of dependency? I would really try and shake up the variables by trying a seperation or actually not having slips when you catch her emailing her "friend". I know you have the kids to worry about, and that is not something to take lightly, but for their sake the best thing would be for you to be confident in your sobriety as opposed to always being on the brink of a slip. What you are doing now is infinitley better than just continuing drinking. We have all followed your fantastic progress on this board and you have our prayers as well. I would just advise focusing on the next level of your sobriety which is the fact that she seems to be your cause of slipping, or she is your excuse for drinking. I think you need to pray for an answer to that. I say this with all due respect to you and your achievement in the program that I immensely respect.
Tom

One of the 12 Promises of AA: We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us".

Among the other promises, it is true that they DO come true, "before we are even halfway through".

Pick up the phone when you feel like a drink. Pick up the phone when something happens in your relationship. Pick up the phone and call your sponsor. He knows you very well, maybe even better than you know yourself. We are just bystanders here, hearing what you want to tell us, and nothing more. Your sponsor/support group in AA will be able to be there physically and have some solutions that we cannot provide.

Joni

I so much wanted my marriage to work. It really tore me up that I was trying to get sober and remain sober and my ex-wife continued to have her friends. That's right ex-wife. It has been said the most important thing right now is - you!

It was painful for me to reach that point and realization, but if I ever wanted to have some kind of life sober then I couldn't make my ex my higher power. It hurt... I've never been through as much pain as I was going through those early days. It hurt that I was doing things that I thought would improve our life and she didn't care.

For me it was a very toxic relationship. And while I hated the idea I knew I only had one answer and that was take care of me. Today, I am grateful that my Higher Power gave me the strength to move forward.

I know I wouldn't be where I am at today if I remained married to her. Heck, I can almost say with certainty that my sobriety wouldn't have lasted if I stayed with her.

I never got over my love for her, but we went down different roads and I had to travel mine alone for my own sanity...

Be true to yourself. Sobriety has so many hidden treasures and as long as you are in a relationship that isn't honest then both of you are being denied precious gifts. You both deserve to find the life that honors who you are. It is a myth that sneaking around with behaviors brings exciting results. Neither of you will know passion if your true self is being pushed away by the deception of the bottle and lies of a phoney intimacy. When my teenage daughter was in adolescent treatment center she wore a button on her shirt that said intimacy- IN TO ME SEE. She now has 24 years clean and sober! That is more than me! I only have 9 years. I am very grateful for what I have AND I know young people don't have to wait till they are middle aged to be blessed with sobriety.

I can really relate to Avrils hatred of the word 'slip' being used for getting drunk. I use to tell my sponsor that I relapsed. She would say lets get rid of the fancy words and keep it simple , bottom line is ya got drunk.
And yeah, relapse ends with a drink, it doesnt start with one. That restless, irritable and discontent starts in my head long before I ever pick up the drink.

Something else that really blows me away is the way some ppl deal with relationships early in sobriety. I mean ,geez, c'mon. Ive heard it over and over again .... He or she doesnt like me going to meetings, He or she is drinking and Im not. that is a threat to my sobriety, blah blah blah. Uh hello - that is NOT what the book says.

If a person is realistic, which is very hard to do early on in sobriety they dont ( nor did I when it was happening to me ) understand that nobody made them drink, but themselves . Nobody ever poured booze down my throat or forced me to drink.

Now, yes the book does say that there may be divorce or separation.
Some pretty clear cut directions are given in light of each personal circumstances.

I spent my life telling the ppl in my life that I loved them. Sure, I thought I did at the time, cuz it was the right thing to say. Well, shoot ! I didnt know what love was or what love did for Christs sake. I was selfish, self centered and full of myself . I didnt know how to love anybody cuz I was definately not showing love or care toward myself. I hated me, therefor making it totally impossible to love or care for anybody else.

My point -- first getting sober is learning about ourselves. Its putting the drink down, getting and securing a trustworthy friend or sponsor in the program. Its working the steps and building a relationship with a Higher Power. How in the world can one even consider getting a divorce or separation from someone they're married to right off the bat in the beginning of getting sober ?? Just blows me away.
There are so many changes that are and will take place in at least the first year of sobriety. When 2 ppl fall in so called love and get married, there had to be something that brought them together. So, how come when a drunk gets sober, all of a sudden they dont need the partner, or wife or husband anymore ?

When I help ppl I try my hardes to follow chapter 7 Working with Others. In there it directs me to try and get the family involved, the wife mostly.
I highly suggest to new ppl I sponsor that they get a copy of the BB and give it to their spouse and have them read it.
Alcoholism doesnt just affect the drunk, it takes the whole family.

MDC, if you get the opportunity to read this Please stick with the winners in AA. Count your blessings, they are there. Treat your wife like a stranger and be cordial to her. You and she can get thru this. Give yourself some time to work on YOU. Ask for her help and her patience. And always, always pray and ask God for strength to get thru whatever it is you might be facing at any given moment.
Read the book, the answers are in there.
Thanks for letting me share.

Avril G wrote:

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StPeteDean wrote:

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OMG!  I can rest easy now, Jen's replacement is here. 

 

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Not knowing who Jen is or was, I dunno if that's meant as an insult or a compliment?? Either way is OK by me like, but I'd love to know who Jen is. WELL, yer know what us alkies are like (or is it just us wimmin alkies?) Yer can't just jump in with half a tale, we gotta have ot from thread to needle.

 

 

---

It's a compliment for sure.  I was referring to the straight forwardness of your comment (much like mine most of the time) 

 

StPeteDean wrote:

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It's a compliment for sure.  I was referring to the straight forwardness of your comment (much like mine most of the time) 

 

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Oh Great, I am known for my 'straight down the line' approach to recovery which often comes across as pompous or arrogant and sometimes scarey, which if you ask anyone who knows me, you will know that I am not the slightest bit arrogant or pompous, but my enthusiasm for AA and sobriety has never left me, thank God. I've seen what happens to people who become complacent, and I don't want any of that thank you very muchly.

I have also been told (in a friendly, loving way)   that I am like a rottweiller with a litter of pups if anyone of the opposite sex tries to take a newcomer under their wing, and that's so true, there are 2 of us women both of whom have been to funerals of newcomers who a bloke took on (or vice-versa some of us girls have been guilty of it too)  and we stamp that right out before it even starts. 

One guy always tells people, 'If you don't wanna hear what you NEED to hear, don't ring Avril, she shoots from the hip'   I got all this from oldtimers when I first came around, and it's what I needed, and it's all I got, so WYSIWYG it is with me.

I once called my blackbelt sponsor, and she was being mean with me, and when I said, 'Well, thanks for the sympathy'  she laughed and said, 'Sympathy? you want sympathy? I am so sorry, love, I thought it was RECOVERY you were looking for, not sympathy, if it's sympathy you want you'll find it in the dictionary right between shit and syphyllis' and she put the phone down!!!

I remember when I was around 5 years sober, and still bouncing about doing Public Information work which I absolutely love, and someone said, 'It's great to see you so enthusiastic, I used to be like that when I first started doing service, but it does wear off after a while'  Shame, he went out and died, and I am still as enthusiastic as ever about recovery, service, meeting new friends.

My life doesn't revolve around AA, but AA sure does revolve around my life and the lives of my firends and family, and for that I am eternally grateful.

 

Have no fear ... I can be a hard ass too. I mean why not ? It has been my experience that way to often new ppl , and sometimes old timers get coddled , and We have a tendency to baby them .
Why ? Its fear, all fear based.

Why lie to ppl and let them die. Tell em' the truth that if Ya wanna stop drinking, you're gonna have to stop drinking, duhhh.
And AA isn't the only way to get sober, but it works for me and countless others of alcoholics have recovered.

I mean seriously Folks, this is after all a matter of life and death .. ( to some of Us ) and I really dont see the need to be pussy footin around when its all really very siimple ... Get a God, get a BB , get a sponsor and get busy and get better.

Sure we need to remember to be compassionate, and loving to new ppl, Im not saying to beat em' over the head the minute they walk in.

Remember ... If Ya want what we got , You need to do what we do.