.......but maybe a bit of self pity mixed with reflections on the past.
I read the last 7 days of another member a few weeks ago which struck a chord and as I'm in the anniversary of my last week of drunk my actions are coming back into my mind. I couldn't really remember them at year one and two, but they seem so damn fresh this year.
Went to a meeting tonight but I'm feeling odd feelings and thinking odd thoughts. Thankfully no desire to drink today. Maybe my HP decides that I need a pressure test or maybe he decides I need to remember a bit more clearly how it was or maybe the end of my tape has got a bit faded. You know, the tape that I play when I get a desire to have just the one. Play the tape all the way to the end. Maybe the end of the video was getting a bit faint and needs refreshing.
I have a bit of a problem in not regretting the past but not shutting the door on it. In general terms I don't regret the past but in detail there are things I've done that I wish I hadn't. Not shutting the door is remembering and not repeating. The remembering bit hurts though.
Ah I forget that 12 steps and AA aren't a time machine. You cannot go back and undo that which has been done, but you can make amends by not repeating such things. So it is a time machine that only goes forward, at the speed of.........................time!
Got some work pressure too. In that I don't have enough to do and too much time to do it in. Until tomorrow when I have too much to do and not enough time! We've been under a management structure re org for the past several months and of course there is uncertainty. So my workmates are coming out with all the usual - 'you know what's gonna happen next' (usually followed by a litany of their fears - they'll take our cars away, we'll get staff to manage, we'll have to be accountable, we'll get responsibility, we'll get authority without autonomy, we'll be redeployees within weeks, we'll have to work for a living, we'll get our expenses cut, we'll all be on personal improvement plans within a week, we won't get bonus, we won't get a payrise (no different to this year then) we'll etc. etc.). Well no dammit, someone took my crystal ball away when I stopped drinking, so I have to look only at today. But it gets so tiring listening to their b*ll*cks and wondering why they feel like that ('cos they do and it's their business) and realising that I cannot make them feel better ('cos they enjoy their own pain). Someone has finally taken my white horse away too.
Now what does my mate say. God is good. Pray. Then listen.
Hey, thanks for listening. I'll check on the replies tomorrow. Time to hit my knees.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Sounds about right Bill. The best thing about ceebrating soberversaries is that one day, your past will become your greatest asset, well it's that way for me anyhow. Whats the date you celebrate?? Hope it's while JC's here, he gets in October 31st.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Hmmm .. how long ya been feeling this way ? If not long, then I guess Id have to say dont worry, this too shall pass. I remember when I was approaching a year anniversary ..... I was so scarred cuz I thought I would drink and blow it. I had never went a whole year without drinking , and I was afraid I might not make it. I discussed these thoughts/feelings with my sponsor and she helped me get thru it.
I pray to God that I NEVER, EVER forget what I use to be like. I was a helpless , hopeless falling down drunk. By the grace of God and the life changing program of Alcoholics Anonymous Im not the same woman I use to be.
When I get to feeling sorry for myself, I sort uhhhh slap myself in the face to wake my pitiful sorry butt up and realize just how truely blessed I am. And If I think Im not, then Id best be openin my eyes and taking a look around me and realizing just how bad it could be for me. If I ever think its to tuff here .... on the inside of AA, I can always go out there and have a drink or 2 and see how easy it gets .
Hey Bikerbill, The melancholy will pass. The self test will pass. What will remain is you being true to yourself and with that, the past that you regret will be offset with the greater deeds of today and tomorrow. Thats the advice I keep giving myself anyway. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
18th october 06. This melancholy has passed, just took me by surprise yesterday. Took myself off and had a chat with the hp, slept like a baby for 5 hours, but woke up just now with trapped gas and guts ache. Got too much to do at work and not enough time to do it today so might as well make an early start.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hey Bikerbill, There is always a bright side to everything! When the gas gets "untrapped" it is best to share it secretly with co workers who you do not get along with! I know that usually dispells any melancholy I may be feeling. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Try your hardest to not count the days, rather just focus on today, which you are sober. Then before bed, prepare for tomorrow. When I was thinking of coming up on a year, I couldn't be more proud of myself....but I chose to count days and talk a lot about it, rather than focus on my sobriety....and, ouch! That's all I have to say about that : )
Well...I can say I identify with just about everything you wrote. The same bullcrap going on at work...similar feelings though this was only year 1 for me. Everywhere I drove in the last month there was some horrid reminder of how I was drunk there... The gas station by where I used to live which is on the way to the meeting where I picked up my 1 year medallion...I had a vivid flashback of how I got so drunk and tried to walk home from the bars and was periodically falling down and finally found a payphone there to call my now ex-boyfriend to pick me up and that I didn't know where I was. The gas station was 2 blocks from my house. Damn, I forgot that experience until that day of my anniversary and passing that gas station.. That is just one of several vivid yucky but "Mark needs AA confirming" memories that came to me. I asked a few friends "Was I really that bad?" and of course got a resounding yes. Anyhow, yeah...time makes things better and also makes us forget some things too... Odd how that works.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
