Hi I'm new here. I've been lurking the boards for a while and thought now is as good a time as any to come on and see if there's anyone who's been in a similar boat, or knows someone who has. I pretty much need help.
I'm currently coming out of a 4 day binge, haven't been drunk for 2 days but still feeling terrible. It was one where I started as soon as I woke up at the weekend following a Friday night then repeated verbatim on the Sunday. Beer, wine, spirits.
I have 2 problems - the fact that I cannot control my drinking when I start and also a psychosis that was brought on by drug use when I was a teenager 15 years ago. During that time I used alchohol to quell psychotic episodes that started happening months after taking LSD - I would panic, hallucinate, have uncontrollable fear, smell wierd smells and basically feel like I was having a really bad trip on LSD. Since then I've used alcohol on an almost daily basis to stop these psychosis events.
The longest I have been without a drink is 9 days. At the end of that short period the psychosis symptoms were worsening daily, although phsically I felt some improvements. On the last day I couldn't handle them any more so on a last throw of the dice I went to an AA meeting. 2 hours after the meeting I was in a bar drinking. I never went back to AA.
I have seen an alcohol councilor weekly for a year, and also attended meetings with a psychologist who has said they won't subscribe me anything to tackle the psychosis whilst I'm still drinking...Catch 22. On the whole neither of the therapy things have really helped.
Now because I've used drink so much as a self medicine for the psychosis I'm pretty much chemically dependant. The hangovers bring on the psychosis really bad and I drink to make that go away. At most I'll get 2-3 days with a low amount of alcohol then I'm getting really drunk again.
I would love to work the program as it seems to have helped so many people. But if a worsening psychosis is all I have to look forward to I can't see it happening. I don't want to up insane and being driven to something worse such as suicide.
Anyone else go through this or know someone who has? I've no idea what to do next, I'm out of options. Work and family life are suffering as a result of me being permanantly drunk for 3-4 days every week, and hungover the rest.
Hello Cd, and welcome to the board. If it were me, I'd find a good 90 day rehab to go to. You really don't know how good you'll feel after you've detoxed for 90 days. Get some medical advise. You may need to have a medically supervised detox for 3-7 days before going into a 90 day program. Muster up the courage, get the medical advise you need, line up and sign up for the detox and rehab and get this monster off of your back and get on with your life. You have a great life ahead and AA is a great place to help you but you've got to get clean and sober safely first. Not saying that you can't do it cold turkey because a lot of us have including me. I just think that you should give yourself the maximum advantage and safety factor of medical supervision. I had a horrible time drying out on my own a couple of times. I saw and heard things that I don't ever want to again. That's the nature of this disease.
Aloha Cd...I'm nodding to Dean's suggestion also even though I've never been to detox yet have worked as a counselor in a large inpatient/outpatient program in central California. It is strange how the vine of recovery winds its way in and around the disease. I relate to your share about altered states including smell and taste, suicidal inclination and more however I have also been in and worked this program as suggested while going thru it all. Simply said when I stopped doing my life as I felt compelled to do it then and turned myself over to God, the program and the recovering fellowship entirely I also went thru changes with hope, faith, trust and the assurances of their recoveries. I abandoned myself entirely to recovery without hesitation and without condition. I stopped fearing how it was and fought for how it could be. I still have "conditions" and the program still says there will be no perfection and much of my morning meeting this morning was on "Acceptance" (page 449 of the Big Book 3rd, (earlier) edition). I cannot tell you how it will come out for you but I can tell you what it was like for me to hunker down for 6 days and wait out withdrawals using the experience and guidance of this 12 step/tradition spiritual program. I am in support for your recovery. If you have the "capacity to be honest and are willing..." you will find serenity and sobriety and then someone else will become sober as a result also.
Keep coming back...This program works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
I think the thing that scares me most is that the psychosis existed before my alcohol problem and is still there. To have to deal with that without drink just seems too much. 90 days seems impossible to me, apart from the abstinence and possible results theres my job and family.
Thankfully I've never yet suffered from drug related psychosis and I've never gone down the drink counselling route either. I say thankfuly to the last one as I believe it would just have kept me in misery for that much longer.
All I can suggest is go to AA meetings again (man it's strong in Scotland), get a sponsor, work the steps and get medical and psych help.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I understand what you said about when the phsycosis started. I was nuked at the age of 9...radium treatment. It was popular back then to do it to the bomber pilots and their crew and the medical profession thought it would be helpful for those who suffered from hayfever and other adnoid and sinus problems. They did not consider neurological and crainial side affects either. I've relied upon acceptance of the fact of it rather than use it as a "Jerry F specialty" and a reason to be a "different" kind of alky than others. Let Go and Let God and Turn it Over have worked well for me on this one.
Welcome to HMS Recovery CD. If this board is your first experience of recovery in AA, I strongly suggest you call the AA Helpline number and get to some rewal meetings. Sites such as these are great, I like this one very much, but I use it as an add-on to meetings, I need real meetings.
Real Eyes - Realise - Real Lies
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Thanks for all the feedback guys. I know what i need to do, its just doing it that will be the tough part.
One point i would agree with that was made above is that the drink counselling is fairly useless, it does just draw things out. Almost legitamises continual usage.
Hey CD, the counseling is trying to help you find what's making you feel so uncomfortable that you have to drink to feel "normal". That's not time wasted, it's a process for us to find out how we're hurting ourselves (mostly) and others so that we can affect a change. Then we won't have to drink over it. A lot of it is forgiving ourselves and others and letting go of hard feelings. The rest is desensitizing ourselves so that we don't get annoyed by everything. Basically our disease want's us to feel bad so that we'll drink. What we learn is how to feel good through affirmations, gratitude, and turning over "the things that we cannot change" to a "Higher Power" to sort out for us. Might as well if we can't do anything about it. Life is short, get busy with it.
Welcome to the group ! Id suggest getting to some AA meetings, securing a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and reading at least the first 164 pages , also securing a good sponsor who can guide you thru the steps . Keep it simple ... and take it a day at a time. The book tells us that we can get sober regardless of our present circumstances.
Thanks dean. I think its done its job then cause we identified exactly what makes me drink and got to the stage of me saying id never drink again if there was an alternate way of treating the psychosis. So far the councillor, gp, psychiatrist and psychologist have yet to offer me an alternative which is why i keep using the one that works.....remember the psychosis was there before i drank all those years ago, although i fully admit the ups and downs of the massive binges will surely be feeding it now.
Thanks to all, very interested hearing Jerrys story re the radiation.
Ps- i'm on day 3 of no booze and am still aching all over, especially the ribs, and my mind is next to useless. Even my eyesight seems blurryier! And its funny that no matter how much water i drink im still dry mouthed.
Normal pattern is for me to start drinking tonight or tomorrow and keep going pretty much till sunday.
Welcome Cd, Well...I am going to revert to my old response of "I agree with Dean." Aside from that. You are on day 3 and you don't sound psychotic :) That's a plus. When I was detoxing I could not drink enough water...glass after glass. People kept telling me candy cravings would hit me but that didn't come for like 2 months. At first I just wanted to drink lots of water.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
providing you're not a diabetic, then I'd suggest getting some Irn Bru down yer, lot's of it. Alcohol is high in sugar, you cut off this sugar supply, so you're probably on a sugar downer.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
CD, give it your best shot to get to 90 days. A week or so might get you passed acute physical withdrawal but by no means detoxes you. And then there is PAWS or Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome which may be a good part of your "psychosis" or at least agrivating it. Paws tends to last from 6-18 months. Most of us get it to an extent. If you enter PAWS into the search function you'll find 3 articles on it here.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 14th of October 2009 09:28:21 AM
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 14th of October 2009 09:44:47 AM
Checked out PAWS, that basically would describe all the 'secondary' mental problems ive had when ive tried to kick before.
Can i ask if anyone had to deal with hallucinations and panic after a week or so? If so how long for? I know/suspect that the booze is making it all worse, i just cant live the rest of my life on a bad acid trip. I wish i knew it would all level out.
CD, It's very possible that, though your antisipation (read fear) of the "Psychosis" that you bring them on. Same with the panic attacks. There are several posters her dealing with panic attacks. I had them to moderate extent. It was like clostrophobic episodes in crowded buildings or stuck in traffic combined with time stress and being irritated. I just wanted to choke someone. We call them "Dry drunks". There are tools to manage them and one has to learn stress relief techniques and practice them. I'm sure that you know most of this. One thing that you don't have experience with yet is sobriety and how we cope and get better over time. Thousands of people, have gotten sober with the same issues that you have. When you share about those and hear others tell you how they got through it, it leads to faith that will conquer your fears. You can do it.
Day 4. Bad paranoia and i woke up feeling drunk, felt like i was going to fall asleep in the shower. Cant believe days of cold turkey can make me feel drunk. I was expecting the paranoia though.
I remember feelings of paranoia. I still get that some days, especially when I have some kind of conflict going on with another person. A lot of that can be sorted our buy writing down your feelings so that you can see what's valid and what's not. I would say that in the first 90 days, I didn't have, what you would call a "good day" till maybe week 3. Then only about one day a week until after 30 days. After that it got progressively better (3 or 4 good days a week). The first 30 days are tough, there is no doubt but it does get better, hang it there. Can you find some AA beginners meetings to attend? Hearing others share that they are going through the same stuff will make you feel better. I used to attend about 4 different beginners meetings for the first 3 years of my sobriety. My favorite meetings were at a couple of rehab facilities. It gave me a lot of gratitude that I was not in there with them lol.
CD, what's your diet, vitamins, and water intake look like? Someone mentioned sugar, although not great for us (complex carbs would be healthier like sweet potatoes) , it's an aid in early sobriety (like some hard candy). I'd keep some in you pocket and have one when your feeling rough, maybe one every hour or two. The brain runs off glucose and has become accustomed to having the sugar from alcohol. And drink 16 oz. of water an hour all day. Every time you return from the restroom, drink another glass. what can you do to entertain yourself a little. A walk in the park, take in a movie, ride a bike...
I know how that feels. Well try and get out of the house (and out of your head) a couple times a day. Make a list of some stuff to do and try and knock off a few. A feeling of accomplishment will replace negativity. Keep moving forward. I sent you a message.
Go to a meeting anyhow....We have to go to them even when we don't feel like it. You are getting sober to have a life and a good life at that. It will be full of caring people just like us here. As long as you are wanting to stop drinking, you are meeting all the criteria of being ready for a meeting. I do believe over time...(sometimes quickly sometimes slowly) you will see you are more well than you are sick. One of my worst defects is overpathologizing my mental problems. Yes, I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depression... But...I accomplish a lot and I am not victim to those diagnoses... Alcohol was all wrapped up in my mental problems anyhow so the longer I stay sober, the less mental problems I seem to have. I have not had a full on panic attack for months and in the first 2 months of sobriety I had them a lot and had great trouble concentrating at times. It will get better. Have faith. God doesn't make junk. He didn't make you to be on a permanent acid trip and that isn't going to happen. You may have some very uncomfortable moments for a while, but they will level out and if not, there are other solutions than alcohol. Alcohol is not your appropriate medicine and clearly you know this. For me right now, my medicine is AA, psychiatric meds, and therapy. I wanted to heal and recover and I wanted it bad. To do that, I had to go out and seek recovery because it wasn't going to come to my house. Psych meds are becoming less necessary for me, but I will not completely go off them just yet cuz, I have done that before and got whacked with severe anxiety and depression after months of being off meds. Anyhow, we are here for you and stay strong. Prayers are with you!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
