I'm sure most of you remember my struggle with my on-again, off-again boyfriend. Well, not a lot has changed in that area. He still does not accept, nor does he try to understand an alcoholic. As I have said before, he thinks it is all about being head strong. I tried to help him understand in the beginning, but have completely given up. He is set in his ways, and refuses to think of it in any other way.
I feel like my life revolves around that relationship. It interferes with everything. I want to rid myself of it competely, but everytime I think I have made a decision to get away, I go back. I HATE myself for it. On top of that, I really would like any future relationship to be with a non-drinker. I have VERY few friends that do not drink, besides my AA friends. Which just sucks.....though I will tell you, two of my best girl friends recently cut out alcohol. Not because either has a problem, but just to better their lives. wOoHoO....I can now go out with them much more often!
Anyways, I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, or maybe just someone to listen. I know that I need to get out of the relationship for good, and to be honest, before this I was a very independent person, and completely happy being single. I'm not scared of being single. I guess I must be scared of something....I just can't put my finger on what it is???
Thanks for listening you special friends you. And, just to update you, I am not drinking. I am sober : )
I am sorry to hear about you struggle. I have found that I have had to cut myself off completely from people who drink. I have stopped talking with two of my former friends who drink because I am afriad I will relapse. It can be frustrating for people who do not understand our illness. I am lucky that I have a very supportive boyfriend who goes to alanon. He is very understanding and supportive of me. Try to go to meetings and find people who do not drink.
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You have to live life to the fullest because you don't know what you got till it's gone.
I have learned ( even tho I dont practice my learnings very well at times ) that its not my job to make ppl understand anything about me or anything else . It is my job to realize that most likely not everybody is gonna see things my way . The Serenity Prayer helps me alot in that department.
My sponsor has told me from the very beginning that 'If nothing changes, nothing changes'. and it is so true. Change is scarry for me. But if Im in pain, Id better be willing to at least take it a day at a time and do the best I can to accustom myself to new changes. All the while asking for Gods help, and sharing with other AAers or my sponsor when I experience troubles and need to share with somebody.
Some relationships that I have had are just toxic and I cannot afford to keep hanging on to them if I expect to live a decent life . I change me, I dont change others.
What caught my eye was you left the best and most important for last. You are sober!!! That's so great. I'm proud of you for dealing with your struggles and choosing not to drink. Way to go! I think I have to agree with Dean on this. Set up boundaries, and try to find balance. I'm by no means an expert, but I feel like there may be some co dependency issues. I've personally still struggle with that myself, and strive for a good healthy balance in my life, but sometimes that seems harder than giving up the booze. Have you posted in the Al anon section for their experiences? Always remember, this is a selfish program. You have to do what is best for you, and be willing to go to any length. Any reservations in that area will doom you to failure. I used to tell myself "The only thing I'll ever drink over is _____" (fill in the blank), and seemed to always find a reason to let myself go there. Today I know, due to the strength of my HP, that there is nothing in this world that I HAVE to drink over...it's a choice. If you can, take a good hard look at what's good and healthy for you and your sobriety, and work on weeding out what's not, and remember, the only thing we can change is ourselves. Good luck and God bless. Brian
Those were some excellent replies to wak up to this morning. Thank you all. I liked hearing that one of you has a supportive boyfriend. In the fututreI will try and remember that there can be relationships like that, though my current will most likely never be. We did agree a couple of months ago to not try and change each other's views. He does not hold his end of the deal up well, but I do not bring it up at all. I don't like that I can't. Alcohol is still a very scary thing for me. It gives me nightmares and horrible memories. Having someone to talk to thru all of is this would just be so much easier. I never thought that something I have learned to be so proud of, would eventually be something I have to hide from another person.
Thanks again for the help. I'm in control of my life......I need to practice that.
Crystal, remember that sobriety gets continuously easier over time (if we are working the program and attending enough meetings). I'd say that I wasn't really comfortable about my sobriety, in terms of talking to "other" people about it, till I had 3 years and I remember feeling very comfortable about my sobriety around 5 years. Those are goals to Work for but in the mean time you need to understand that your perception is not neccessarily reality and that you can change your perception through reading and practicing affirmations, setting and maintaining boudaries, not just with others but with yourself (such as I won't date people who drink regularly and/or try and discount my sobriety). I got a lot of help, in the first 3 years, by similtaniously attending Coda and Acoa meetings and working those programs, along with reading John Bradshaw books and doing the work in those as well. Remember, you can't Think your way to better feeling, you must take action and work your way to better Thinking, which will result in feeling better.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 12th of October 2009 09:15:55 AM
Crystal, you know I sought out a relationship at 2 months sober. I did not know how to stay sober without another person around. I could not stand being alone with my thoughts at all. I also posted how it was over and he was a slut and then went back after realizing those were my trust issues and I wanted him to be there for me all the time and that I did not trust what he was doing when I wasn't around. He doesn't fully understand AA, but he has never stood in the way and he has purposely taken things slow with me with the understanding that I am growing and coming into my own. I do drive myself crazy over the relationship, but on the whole, I have equally learned new and positive things about myself from being in it. I do think that when we give up alcohol, other addictions flare up. Maybe ones we didn't even have before. I did have codependency issues before...but for you...it could just be that the boyfriend helps take the edge off missing your old best friend...alcohol. Either way Crystal, I have found that I am most sane when I step back and realize I will be okay no matter what. Truly no matter what. The boyfriend is great at times...but I will be fine without him. I dont maintain that mentality at all times and that is when I feel all yucky, dependent, and bad about myself. Just remember it's a process and we are both growing. Neither of us is perfect and we are learning today and staying sober. When you feel bad about your boyfriend, just remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea and you can do better if you choose or you can truly accept who he is and just not argue over certain things. In support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I can relate to what you are going through also. I had a split with my long time on again off again just this weekend. It was difficult to accept, but it's for the best. It sounds like we may have a similar issue... She was very much not a drinker when we first got together, but heard all the crazy stories about me. This made her a little uncomfortable, but she coped pretty well. For the majority of our relationship I did not drink around her, but from time to time she got a glimpse of my alter ego..(We'll call him Boozy Boozerton) Anyways, she was worried about my drinking and it was actually part of the reason for one of our longest splits. But, the last time we got together, I was living the good life (sober), and she had recently turned 21. She doesn't drink quite the way I do, but she was finally enjoying the party life. It's sort of ironic that the moment I decide to give up the crazy life she decided she wanted to experience all that life has to offer. We've tried to enjoy each others company while we can,(long distance relationships are a bummer) but I am looking for different things and I know she wouldn't be happy doing the things I need to do for myself right now. I may be wrong but I would say you are feeling the uneasy feeling of the unknown. When you split from someone, it's hard to say when the next person to make you smile will come along and will that person make you happier than you are now. At least this is what weighs on me when I am newly single or thinking about becoming single. It's a tough emotion to wrestle with, but if it's going to help you stay sober the split is better than the struggle... Just my 2 cents..
The reason I struggled so much in early days was down to me having a partner who sounds very much like yours. I stayed with him, continuing to struggle until the day came when he flipped when a fellow AAer rang to ask if I could pick her up for a meeting, and he ranted, 'If that ****ing phone rings again and it's a ****ing alkie, I'll rip that phone out the wall!! What the **** did them idiots do for lifts before YOU turned up? What are you the ****ing AA taxi all of a sudden?'
I went to that meeting, dropping my kids at my parents house, and when I got home I stayed with my parents and never went back to him. Anyone who cares so little about my welfare was not worth the struggle. Leaving him was the best thing I could have done, because that is when my recovery began.
Fast forward to 3 years sober, met another recovering alkie, got married, and this relationship turned out to NOT be the best relationship I'd ever had, so I divorced him after 5 years, and gave up on guys for a while.
I am glad to say that I have now been in a totally honest and loving relationship for 10 years, and we met on an AA site pretty much like this one, and since he is a Double Winner (goes to Alanon as well as AA) this is the first relationship ever in which I can say there are no secrets, no lies, and I have never been happier.
All I can say is the earlier struggles were down to my emotional insecurity and fear of financial insecurity, which I got by the bucketload when I divorced again, BUT just as it says in the promises 'Fear of economic insecurity will leave us' this promise has come for me, FEAR of economic insecurity will leave us, NOT the economic insecurity. Despite sometimes having to cut back in order to pay bills etc. I have no fear of it any more.
I have a roof over my head, clothes and food, can manage a couple of holidays a year, and manage to pay all my dues (Sometimes having to rob Peter to pay Paul, but they get paid)
I feared change, 'would happen if?......' was my catchphrase, in fact one guy in AA gave me the name 'Mrs. Arbutt Worriff' since everything which came out of my mouth was 'Ah, but, What if? Taking that leap of faith is like (I imagine it is like) bungee jumping from Niagara Falls, but every time I've taken that leap the road has got smoother, and when I let go of old stock, the hole was filled with much better and much newer stuff, all of which is beyond my wildest dreams.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Avril, that sounds EXACTLY like the things he says. To the 'T'. It sucks. He hates AA. Though he never pushes me to drink, he does not encourage my sobriety either. He also chooses to drink a few times a week around me. I have just always felt that since he is not an alcoholic, he should be able to drink as he chooses.
I'm just so wrapped up in this mess......GgGrRrRrRrR.....I need to get back into control!
Thank you all for the good advice. It is such a breath of fresh air to hear that almost everyone has been thru this at some point or another. I appreciate all of your words : )
Thank you all for the good advice. It is such a breath of fresh air to hear that almost everyone has been thru this at some point or another. I appreciate all of your words : )
well I never have, not in sobriety anyway. I took seriously the suggestion of staying out of relationships for the first year. I actually stretched it out to 3 years. Oh sure I dated but was right up front that I wasn't up to any committed relationships (read I set boundaries) and didn't date the same person more than a few times and I wasn't sleeping with any of them. It felt really good to have a relationship with myself and not be needing anyone for the first time in since teenage years.
Crystal, I'd recommend that you write some boundaries for yourself of what you will and won't accept in relationships. Hopefully that would include not dating regular drinkers and people who try and invalidate your sobriety. If you put your sobriety first, how could you allow that? Then once that's written, the next logical thing to do is dump that chump. I'm sure that you can do wayyyy better than him.
I had a friend in the program who was not only addicted to alcohol, but drama as well. She couldnt stand it if She wasn't involved in some sort of a relationship . Whether it be just g/f to g/f or intimate or romantic or whatever . She was always trying to get herself involved in the drama that sometimes goes on ( in and around ) meetings. She eventually learned that absolutely none of it was worth it , and she became aware of home important it was that she mind her own business. She today is a much happier person and still sober.
My husband was somewhat jealous at first when I began attending meetings. I was going every day or night. This stayin sober stuff was just as new for him as it was for me . I remember parroting a phrase I heard in a meetring one time to my sponsor .... I told my sponsor that this is a selfish program and I have to go to meetings whether he likes it or not. My sponsor got angry with me and told me she didnt ever want to hear me say it was a selfish program cuz its not !! she told me I was selfish, and self centered out there in my drinking and Im in AA to get sober and help other ppl and there is absolutely nothing selfish about that. She also directed to me to the BB ( like She always does ) to chapters 8 & 9 To Wives and The Family afterwards . Im tellin ya it really helped to me to undertand alot of things . Especially how my husband just might be feeling and why in reference to my new found sobriety. Very helpful information in that book
Newfound sobriety was baffling for me & a frightening place. Everything I'd ever thought was true about me or my world was being turned upside down & I was probably the most insecure I'd ever been in my life because I was lifting the lid off so much & feeling everything with no escape. Except of course into the odd affray here & there with a wrongun which was my way of hiding from my responsibility for myself & another way to sabotage myself in my low self-esteem. Whenever I aimed low & won it gave me some grim sense of default satisfaction like I knew I didn't or wasn't really capable of anything better so I was baffled why I couldn't keep a strong sense of self-respect.
I don't know what your reasons are but I feel for how you've said you want out & you hate the destructive effect staying is having for you. It could be serving as the distraction you need from working a thorough program for yourself & taking the leap of faith required to give eveything to this new way of life. You said that your life is revolving around this relationship, you're not sure why & you're baffled as how you got caught up with it when you weren't like that before.
I was surprised by my behaviours in early recovery too. I was told that someone who I got involved with early doors was like a walking talking drug & I did pretty much feel that way. I felt powerless, weak & unable to get away. He went into rehab & that gave me a reprieve as I didn't have the strength to do it by my own power. It sounds like a serious issue to address if you're asking. In the end, I had to become completely devoted to getting this program right & operative in my life. I think your friend is helping you as a distraction from the pain of change. I say that from my own experience if you can identify?
The other thing is that ending it will help you become the person you want your future partner to be with & that will take time & effort too. It certainly can't happen while you stay caught in this loop. Be true for both of you, Crystal. You know single life is so liberating & the truth is it doesn't last forever so the sooner you're in it the better you can enjoy it while it lasts. A good 18 months will give you a taste of the freedom you hope & want to work for in your life. Stick close with your spiritual sisters. We will bring you strength. Love & sisterhood, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hi Crystal, My best friend of twenty-four years "drunk-dialed" me two nights ago from across the country. I told him I wasn't really in the mood to listen to liquor-babble, but I'd be happy to talk to him the following day. He got pissed off. He yelled and tried to bait me, like he always does when he doesn't get his way. I hung up and turned my phone off. I called him the next day. He asked me if I was serious about all this AA stuff and I said "Yeah, AA saved my job, my family and my life. If it weren't for AA you'd have been a pall-bearer for me not too dang long ago.
He tried to kind of talk me back to the dark side with little stuff "it wasn't THAT bad...you could have some sometimes, right...what about when we meet every-other year?"
It was uncomfortable and I was crying by the time he was done. Not because I wanted a drink, but because he was choosing his old drunken-clown friend over the new Me and I knew that I had to just Let It Be. First Things First.
Maybe you're scared of not having someone there to verify you? I dunno just a thought from hanging around alot of non-drinking fellows with mirrors. ((hugs))
I'm sure that you can do wayyyy better than him.