Struggling

Carlotta · Veteran Member

Struggling

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

If I had the universal answer to that Carlotta, I wouldn't be on this forum and I wouldn't be an alcoholic. For me, the best answer is "because I am an alcoholic." But I cannot say that is the case for you. The first drink was always great but, in retrospect, I never ever stopped at 1. Every time I tried to just have one or even a couple or a few, I felt immediately depressed and empty. This is because I was not drinking to get tipsy or to loosen up a bit. I was drinking to get smashed...Always. That is the case for me and I know that now. I drank to essentially feel nothing because I had so much fear, anxiety, depression, self-hate, remorse, regret in my life that I could not tolerate it. That awful experience the next day that is more than just a hangover (for me) was when the feelings that I was trying to drink away returned. The only thing I would suggest Carlotta is just taking an honest look at the changes that have gone on in your life with your children being grown now and such. I drank out of loneliness also...even when I was in a room full of people. I only mention this because you were quick to point these things out in the same paragraph that you wrote about your drinking. This tells me you might already have a clue about some of your motivations here. We say the serenity prayer at the end of almost every meeting and the first line of that is the most powerful to me personally because it is what I had the most problem (and this is still the case) doing. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." This includes me being gay...me having to take care of myself...me being alone with myself at the end of every day. It also includes my aging and my family aging and all the changes that go with that.

Anyhow, Welcome to MIP and glad to have you here! I recognize I could be basing some interpetations off limited info here (and that is why I try to keep my responses more related to me these days), but hope it helps in some way. Prayers that peace and serenity find you :) Love,

Mark

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Hi Carlotta, welcome.

What pinkchip said.

I simply cannot ever have only one drink. If I have one drink, I need another.

The only reason is b/c I'm an alcoholic.

What I now also realize too is that if I want to, I *can* drink again. Just as nobody forced me to drink, nobody can force me not to drink. What that means though, is that I simply cannot guarantee my behaviour, where I will wind up, with whom, etc. when I take that first drink. I might even wind up dead if I do. Reason? I'm an alcoholic. Part of what they means is that my body reacts differently to alcohol from other people. Nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do about that.

What AA has helped to do is realize that and make me not want to take this first drink today.

Your body may not react that way when you take that first drink. Only you can really know.

I guess that I have learned that about myself by going to AA meetings and listening and startig to work the AA twelve steps.

You'll always be welcome here.

Bob K · Senior Member

Hi Carlotta. I feel that you need to take a good honest look at the first step. We have to do this step 100% or it is impossible to move on. I will always be powerless over alcohol but through AA and the 12 steps my life is no longer unmanageable.

Dave Harm · Senior Member

When I surrendered to my illness I admitted that I was an alcoholic. But for me, I needed more then that.

It came about with a strong foundation in the first three steps and with that came acceptance. And acceptance for me was the key missing ingredient in my recovery. With acceptance came the belief that one drink, one sip, was way to much for me.

I used to have the voices in my head and they eventually beat me. I threw away over five years of sobriety because I listened to those voices. Those voices wouldn't let me have any acceptance to my disease. It told me I could control it and really enjoy that first drink without any problems. Boy, was that voice wrong!

Like I said, for me, the key is acceptance - one drink is way to much. Non-alcoholics can do I can't. It used to make me feel jealous and put me on a pity-pot. Now I just accept it.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Carlotta...The first hit for me was sooo wonderful because alcohol did for me
what nothing else, even God could do at that time..."take it all away". The
chemical reaction always worked and I could depend on it like a promise always
fulfilled.   It never let me down until it let me down like a crash and burn from an
airplane wreck. I got in the habit of drinking and the habit was a cycle always
fulfilled.   The failure consequences such as guilt and shame never came for me
because I didn't think I had the problem. I didn't have a sense of lossing the
fight or doing something frowned upon.   I was blessed to have stopped drinking
without knowing there was a problem inside of myself but one inside of my
alcoholic wife.   I did no comparisons between my rampant uncondtrolled drinking
and anyone elses until I had been off of alcohol for 9 years and then God slipped
a blank assessment in front of me and I felt compelled to complete it.  I am of the
chemically tolerant type, I drank until my body flipped the switch off (over dose).

Alcoholism is a disease not a moral issue. Inspite of how you end up feeling about
yourself and about your drinking you will still drink. You have a need to. What is
that need? Since alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body
it is now running you and like you already know, "you are powerless over it and
your life has become unmanagable".   Alcohol can and will take you past that step
in a microsecond. I know how strong the compulsion is and can be.   You are left
with the thought that you work a strong 12 step program when in reality it is only
an 11 or even less of a step program. You are being deluded and isn't that so
common of our disease. You know the alcohol content of your wine as if somehow
it matters and qualifies you as something other than alcoholic.    You have the
compulsion and the allergy. You have the addiction (you drink in spite of knowing
what is has and is doing to you and inspite of your fears, suspictions and values).
Understand why the disease is called cunning, powerful and baffling.   It works in
spite of....

Coming here is a step up...here is where you can get help if you want help and
more information and support if you want that too.    We cannot stop you from
drinking. We can share what we know and what has happened to us and what
is happening for us now and then...you get to walk away from your computer (us)
and be alone with your 11.5% wine that always gets you drunk and makes you
feel like crap; mind, body, spirit and emotions.    Of course there are other solutions
if you know where the meetings of AA are and the times AA meets you can go there
and ask for help face to face. My asking was with a Please!!    "I need help, Please
help me."   If you don't know where and when the meetings are go to your phone
book and look up the white pages hotline number for the program or go to the home
page of this site and locate a meeting nearest you on that link.

You are not alone and unloved.   You have all of MIP to love and support you. We
truely have been where you are at right now and it is temporary if you're willing to
followup up on what we have done and what we suggest.

Keep coming back.    (((((hugs))))) smile

Carlotta · Veteran Member

Thank you Jerry, I am scared, this thing seems to have taken control of me and i don't know how to get my power back. I think I need to find myself a sponsor. I've had some very thought provoking feedback on this message boad... this is not fun but very real! It seems the closer I get to making that decision, the more severe the temptations become!!! the voice pounds in my head, you're okay, you don't need to quit!!

Thanks again.

-c-

Carlotta · Veteran Member

I appreciate how you seem to take away the shame!!

Regards!!

Carlotta · Veteran Member

OKay Pinkchip, I know .....we all have our challenges, some greater than others. This is thanksgiving here in Canada, I do have so much to be thankful for. I thank you for your feedback, I will be mindful of all my responders in the brotherhood.. we really do need each other; kind words of acceptance and encouragement.

Love to you!!

Avril G · Senior Member

I have often been asked three questions which I also asked in my first days in AA Meetings. It is a common question I get from the kids in schools I go into doing P.I talks, and the answers to these questions are irrelevant.

1. How much did you drink?

2. How long did you drink for?

3. What did you drink?

The irrelevance is that for an alcoholic, it matters not a jot how much, how long etc. What DOES matter is the effect which alcohol has on MY body, which doesn't happen to problem drinkers, because they're not alkies.

All my friends (when I had some) drank like me, or so I thought, they could certainly put some away when out for an evenings drinking, but they never seemed to have to stay off work, making up excuses for why.

They didn't lose their way home of a night, which I did. They never seemed to wake up next morning not knowing where they'd been.

Not being able to stop after one, or a couple of drinks is one of the major symptoms of alcoholism. The FIRST major symptom is DENIAL. No-one here can say you are an alcohoic, that's for you to decide, but from what I read in your post, I can tell you I could totally identify with all of it.

You say you have 12-steps in your life, so are you also going to enough AA meetings? Do you use the telephone and keep in touch with fellow alkies in recovery?

Give time time, get to meetings and use the phone, stay in touch with members outside of AA meetings.

It's good to see a post from someone who's struggling, because it says to me that the person struggling wants to get into recovery, otherwise, why post such a post?

Good to see you here, keep sharing and caring.

kkotz401 · Senior Member

I am sorry to hear you are struggling. Try avoiding going to places that serve alcohol. Go to some meeting and keep us updated on here.

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hello Carlotta,
I am almost embarrased to bring this up because it is sort of the end result of the 12 steps, and its what we work for. Its the "Hit". The "Hit" you get from the spiritual and honest fullfillment of the 12 steps. I am embarassed to bring it up because I happen to be lucky enough at this time in my life to replace the "Hit" of alcohol with the "Hit" of being in tune with the program and my HP. I am embarrased to bring it up because it may come off as bragging or something of the sort or a "holier than thou" thing. Its not. Its the only way I can explain why I think the 12 steps are worth doing slowly and redoing and readdressing. We all go through the classic bell curves of emotions overlapping stress overlapping family overlapping finance/relationships/sex/life/death/car problems/politics/taxes/.....you get the idea. The 12 steps allow you and show you how to simplify your life to just the important things you can control.
The disease never goes away...even when things are going well in the program. The self test is always there and the opportunity to drink is always there, and it needs to be conditioned out and replaced with the "Hit" you get from working through and with your HP.
My thoughts prayers go out to you.
Tom

-- Edited by turninggrey on Sunday 11th of October 2009 07:48:38 PM

Carlotta · Veteran Member

I am having a long day. I don't understand the "disease" piece of this problem. I've really got my work cut out for me.

Avril G · Senior Member

Carlotta, break down the word disease to DIS-EASE, which means not at ease, which we rarely are when in the throes of active alcoholism, and it takes time and a lot of step work to begin to feel more easy with our situation.

You cannot run before you have earnt to walk love, and al of us have been there I'm sure.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

"Keep it simple" Carlotta...Listen to the oldtimers and keep reaching out for help.
You cannot understand recovery with a drunks brain...they are oppositional in
understanding so what I had to do was let others in recovery do my thinking for
me without analyzing what they were trying to explain about recovery.   I just
listened and trusted what they were telling me was true.   One of the very very
simple first things I learned was to consider the disease of alcoholism as just "dis-
ease". I could agree with that until I moved on to "It is a compulslion of the mind
and an allergy of the body; that it is progressive and that I had lost the choice over
when I drank and didn't; that its progressive nature mean't that if I had a period of
sobriety and then went back out usually it would be worse than when I had last
drank (relapse and progression). I learned that my alcoholism was a primary
disease and not the consequence of any other event and that it had its own
pathology and characteristics and that it was incureable, arrestable only by total
abstinence.    I got this all in pieces over the first year of recovery and then more
in college. I learned about the genetic nature of alcoholism and how it will affect
all 4 levels of the person all at the same time...mind, body, spirit and emotions; if
it had one piece of me it had all pieces also.

The Big Book says "....we relax, we don't struggle."   Surrender for now don't
struggle with it.   Stay open minded to what you hear from other recovering
drunks and from the literature. Listen to what the world community is complaining
about alcohol and then pray for understanding and courage, acceptance and
patience and the willingness to contine putting one step in front of the other.
Replace fear with love (God, self, others) and keep coming back.

In support. smile

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP, Carlotta. I remember that first hit from a glass of wine too. It only really would last for those first few mouthfuls for me lol If only that was all we could have it would all be ok & we wouldn't be here, aye :) I learned the hard way how I could not take that first drink without incurring cravings & it frightened me. Enough to become willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. I didn't want the old life that drink had been bringing with it.

I wanted to live a less fearful life. I wanted true confidence. Not the cocky chaotic silly insecure & boisterous type that alcohol seemed to have with me. My personality change was frightening for me too & I realised I could not control myself in drink either. There were so many negative aspects I came to understand that alcohol meant for me. It was a full package.

Step One became so useful for me in helping me to realise that I truly cannot take that first drink without it always leading to consistantly negative results. I got an early dart where I didn't have to experience anything worse than debilitating hangovers but I came to realise that that was all in the post for me too being alcoholic & that so far I had only been lucky. I'm glad not to drink today.

Yes, I remember the 'positives' I thought a drink could do for me but I am simply not now prepared to pay the price. I have also, despite the work that went into getting sober in the first place, come to appreciate all that sobriety gives me as being so much better than anything I imagine a drink could do.

Step Two helped me to realise the insanity part of this disease where I have the potential to lie to myself in this regard if I'm not careful. I know what denial means for me today & it is crucially helpful that I have this program to help me stay & cope with being constantly honest with myself. I have all your love & support along with my Higher Power to help me with that too.

I wish the best for you & your sobriety, Carlotta. Keep coming back, Danielle x

Bob K · Senior Member

Find someone to talk to. You will be suprised to find how much other alcoholics understand what you are going through. When I first came into the program I thought I was unique that no one had a life like mine, but when I finally became teachable I was amazed how many other people were just like me. A A is the only place where you can sit in a room full of strangers and reminisce.

Carlotta · Veteran Member

This evening as I read the responses; I feel grateful that so many of you understand my struggle. Denial is a powerful force that has kept me from actively doing something about this problem. My mind is made up, I am going through the door of my first AA meeting in years... this coming Thursday evening. Afraid?? yes I am. Living in a small town, will probably know several of the members... and there is the issue of "pride". Thanks to you all, I know what I need to do. This is my issue to reconcile with myself - I will walk through that door and will do it alone. This will take courage so please pray for me.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Carlotta, there's a lot of good stuff in this thread so I'd like simply to welcome you to the board and wish you good luck in your new journey.

Dean

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

You will be alone...but then again you wont. I suspect later you will realize that your Higher Power directed you to here and then to the rooms. Furthermore, all of us will be there with you in spirit and I personally am looking forward to hearing how it went. Also, you walk through those doors alone 1 time only and ever after that, you are not alone in recovery. Asking for help is something to take pride in...It sounds like you have been to a meeting before. Nobody there can judge you because they are all there for the same reason as you! So please stick around and keep us updated on the journey you are embarking on. It's a difficult one at times, but a wonderful one. MIP is also a great place as well. In retrospect, I pretty much chronicalled my whole first year on here and am so grateful to all those here who helped me and continue to do so.

I am really applauding your courage to go to that meeting! You stated you were struggling with Pride issues... To counter that just an iota...I feel proud of you.

Love,

Mark

Avril G · Senior Member

Carlotta wrote:

This evening as I read the responses; I feel grateful that so many of you understand my struggle. Denial is a powerful force that has kept me from actively doing something about this problem. My mind is made up, I am going through the door of my first AA meeting in years... this coming Thursday evening. Afraid?? yes I am. Living in a small town, will probably know several of the members... and there is the issue of "pride". Thanks to you all, I know what I need to do. This is my issue to reconcile with myself - I will walk through that door and will do it alone. This will take courage so please pray for me.

YOU GO GIRL!!! And remind yourself - IF you do see someone you know, what are they doing there?? They are doing exactly what you are doing, trudging this road to happy destiny. So glad you have decided you want what we have, now go to any lengths to achieve that, and you're well on your way to a wonderful, sober life. XXXXXXXXXXXX

Carlotta · Veteran Member

Thank you again for the encouragement. I have anxiety but there is also an excitement about "coming out" of the denial that I know is just "so right" for me. Will keep you posted!!

Carlotta · Veteran Member

Hi Mark:

Yes I had been to meetings before, 1981 for a few visits (drinking at that time hard spirits), got sober for I think 2 maybe 3 years then again in 1990 or so again just for a few visits. got busy and serious about raising my children and hardly drank at all. So it's been a while and I am feeling shy, insecure, etc.

The other challenge I face that in the past 3 years I have become part of a diners club, where we go from house to house once a month. Well, I think I have to tell them I am off limits for a few months. I just hate the pressure they will put on me, but I know as soon as I say, "ok, Iam working on my sobriety and going to AA meetings and don't feel safe around too much alcohol", they will leave me alone but with that they will probably gossip to others. You see that alcohol spirits in others get insulted when someone leaves the group.. don't you think. I bet you had that experience. I'd like your feedback.

I appreciate your thoughts!!

Bob K · Senior Member

I have found that when it comes to drinkers, especially heavy drinkers, that my not drinking bothers them much more then thier drinking bothers me. People either accept me for what I am or they can go their own way. I will help anyone as much as I can but my sobriety comes first and if it is threatened the I have to cut them loose. Without my sobriety I have nothing. Remember you have to be willing to go to any length. I hope you have great and comforting meeting.

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

Carlotta,

You never have to feel like this again!! We have a solution that works called the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It works for us and it will for you. Get to a meeting and keep coming back. You will find the friendliest, kindest people in the world in AA
meetings.

Larry

Carlotta · Veteran Member

Hi to you all who gave me so much encouragement over the past week; I attended my first AA meeting (in probably over 18 years); it happened to be an open meeting with a speaker, when I first went in I was greeted with a warm welcome and beautiful smiling faces. Many of the people I knew by name and although some of these people were pretty rough looking and washed out from drinking, I could see a peace about them that I knew was from being sober; "you just can't argue with success". The speaker was just wonderful and I knew this is where I belong. I know I am on the right track and plan to go to a discussion meeting tomorrow evening. This road to recovery is so much easier than struggling with the guilt, shame....
I know I have some other challenges to overcome but they will be like a "walk in the park" in comparison.
Blessings to everyone in the sister/brotherhood!!

Bob K · Senior Member

Remember challenges are easier to overcome with the help of God and other people who are just like you. The first step says WE admitted WE were powerless over alcohol and OUR lives had become unmanageable. WE and OUR meaning we will never have to be alone in our struggles again.

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

Hi There Carlotta,

Was not around last week, so i went back and read and re-read your Post.

Bob K. recommended what I too would recommend, just studying the First Step, "We are Powerless over Alcohol, and that our Lives have become Unmanagable" As he stated and I agree whole heartedly,
this is the ONLY Step that must be done at 100%.

You mentioned you have had this problem for many many years. I want to share with you something that changed my life completely. ( I had been a very chronic relapser, for over 10 years, and when you bring into that the Progression of the Disease, that is a guarantee too), and when I got very serious about not continuing to drink, (with the overwhelming desire to bring things to a final end, if I could not stop) So I sat in this little coffee shop with this woman that had agreed to help me out, as a Temporary Sponsor, she told me she had some creditials in the Field, but when I sat with her at 330am, in the morning, I told her, yes I would do whatever it takes not to drink, but how could I be somewhat ok with that, with my given background. Well, she looked at me and said:

"Toni, this is how you can do it........Visualize Sobriety as a bright light in front of you, and understand that this light has to remain alway in VIEW, and alway FIRST in every thought or action, person, Place or Thing. If you can do this, and not allow ANYTHING, ANYBODY, OR ANY ACTION TO CLOUD THAT BRIGHT LIGHT, You changes are very good.
NOW, if you ALLOW anything to shadow that light in front of you, making it even temporily more important that that bright light of Recovery and Sobriety, chances of you remaining sober, really begin to fade".

Carlotta, I drove home and it felt just like a big light was now in front of me, I do well with Visualizations. After years of not getting it, I finally found something that would and did work for me. I have not had a compulsion to pick a drink in over 19 years..... just one little day at a time. And you know what? I never saw that amazing woman again, but she sure seemed to understand my pleading with her. I look back on that middle of the night conversation, and how I today feel that was my own Higher Power working through another human being to help me, save my own life.

In retrospect, I now see that her words were a simple version of the A, B, C's, to the Step l, 2 and 3..... I was a desperate woman, and now I completely understand now that was a Gift of Desperation.

I also bought a little copy of that 24 hour a Day Thought, Meditation, and Prayer book that can be found, if requested at most meetings. and I carried that Book around with me, in my pockets, when at work, or in a place where I needed to find a quiet place to re-read several times a Day. That little book, was that Light in my Pocket. It has a Thought, Meditation, and Prayer for every day of the year, and that little Book, was in Charge of My life. My Higher Power was now in Charge, and my Higher Power guided me to read and reread, everyday for the first years of my Recovery.

I am Praying for you that you do not have to take another drink, and that Complancy you were speaking of, my take, that is your Disease talking to you. For me to feel complacent about drinking, in over 19 years, Carlotta, that would be me heading for the Liquor Store. I do not believe you will ever find any Recovering Alcoholic that would utter that word in the same breath as having a drink.......

You sound alone and scared, how about just letting the awesome love and caring of all of us in Recovery that are there for you, Embrace you, never Judge You, and be right there with you in Spirit, every moment of the day......You are NOT Alone and will never Be Alone again. I Pray this morning that you can hear me....

With a lot of love in my heart for my new friend, Carlotta.

You will truly be amazed when you can give yourself to the Program of AA, and with every fiber of your being, Surrender.

A Big Hug, Toni