I do have some (a little) control

Dave Harm · Senior Member

I do have some (a little) control

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

Thanks, Dave.
The other night I got home from work and I was irritated. I went through all the motions of taking care of the kids and cleaning up but I felt a smoldering rage that I didn't remember having lit. The I traced it back. The woman sitting next to me at my meeting that day showed all the classic signs ad said all the classic things; "he says I can't do anything right and he's right. I'm mowing the lawn when I should be doing the laundry" or "he drinks too, but he doesn't think we're alcoholics and he doesn't want me to come to meetings" and the real thorn "I'm not really any good to anyone, I don't know why I even try."

The smoldering rage was impotent rage at knowing that in AA I couldn't give her any advice at all, except give her a meetings brochure with AlAnon highlighted. I could just "pray for her", which sounds as effectual as planting tomatoes in January. Impotent rage. Pre AA, a little posse would have been in order. Now I can't hold her by her hands, look into her smeared-mascara rimmed eyes and say "LEAVE! YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH! THERE ARE SAFEHOUSES! Come on, let's call a guy I know, score 25mg of valium, you grind it up and put it in his bourbon, then call me. I'll bring a U-Haul and you'll be safe!" Impotent rage. I went out back and put a few quivers of arrows into the hay bale and felt a bit of relief.

So yeah, I'm very, very careful how I verbally correct my daughters so they never have any confusion about the difference between "you could have made a better choice" and "you're wrong".

So anyway - nice work. Please post more of your work. If I like it, I'll buy the book. I write radio ad copy for a living (good stuff for an independant FM, not agency ad-mill crap) and I need to keep reading from many different sources, or else my head gets stale.

Best To Ya,
Rob

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Yes words do hurt. I never interpreted surrender to mean I have no control over myself. I only have no control over alcohol, other people, places, things.... I have to have some control over myself to put a program of recovery into action. That takes discipline (which we are often lacking). Personal control is not necessarily a bad thing...I think it's synonymous with terms like accountability and responsibility. Controlling others and trying to bend situations to our will is bad and it drives me and others crazy. It could also deeply hurt others because in my mind...verbal abuse and acting like a dickhead basically comes from that inability to be accepting, tolerant, loving, patient, and NOT controlling. Those are all things I would rather be so thanks for reminding me of that today Dave

Mark

sharonna · Newbie

Piercing you tube blog...you are very gifted. Today is the first day I began browsing the Al anon site, and this is my first reply. Today I wish to begin sobriety. I am an alcoholic, my husband is an alcoholic, my children are alcoholics. Perhaps if I can start with myself I will help those I love the most.
I'm not sure we're quite typical. Nor am I educated enough in this disease to ponder my characteristics. So I will begin by saying hello...reading, hoping, praying and looking for an inner strength to bring this family peace.
Now here's the hard part. We are not in crisis. We each are gainfully employed, educated and for the most part financially secure. My daughter is attending college, and son is looking forward to attending college soon.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hello Sharonna and welcome to the board. It would be helpful to start your own introductory thread so that you can get properly welcomed.

Dean

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Humility came to me through Steps 6 & 7 where I gave ALL of me GOOD & bad to my Higher Power. When I first came to AA I was so hurt, desperate & confused. I was not without my spiritual assets. I had moral convictions & did not consider myself a fundamentally selfish person. I clung to my better qualities for self-esteem which I understand as pride today. I resented AA for somehow insinuating to me that my selfish, self-centredness was the root of all my troubles. How could it be? I wasn't that bad. I still had much love in my heart to give & I cared so much for others & let them know.

But, I was blind to my liabilities & it was through the Step 7 prayer I came to surrender my pride & give everything that was good in me to the credit & power of God. I came to understand that if I was doing something good then that was as God's will rather than mine which is, I understand, essentially selfish. It is only ever my self-will that gets me into trouble. To answer your post, Dave which I understand how you mean but I can reconcile it with the program in this way. My understanding for the Steps & their relevance continues to grow as I do. I feel that what you're talking about can be found in Step 3 of the 12 & 12..

~ Nothing short of continuous action upon these as a way of life can bring the much desired result.

Then it is explained that other Steps of the A.A. program can be practised with success only when Step Three is given a determined and persistent trial. This statement may surprise newcomers who have experienced nothing but constant deflation and a growing conviction that human will is of no value whatever. They have become pursuaded, and rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault powered by the individual alone. But now it appears that there are certain things which only the individual can do. All by himself, and in the light of his own circumstances, he needs to develop the quality of willingness, he is the only one who can make the decision to exert himself. Trying to do this is an act of his own will. All of the Twelve Steps require sustained and personal exertion to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to God's will.

It is when we try to make our will conform with God's that we begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was the most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of A.A's Twelve Steps, and Step Three opens the door.

Once we have come into agreement with these ideas, it is really easy to begin the practice of Step Three. In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done." ~