Went to a good meeting today, really felt meaningful, got home to a letter which I need to deal with on monday but because of the meeting, feel I can cope and not have a washing machine head the entire weekend, I normally always get my post in the morning so its really great that I did not get this until this evening, am sure my hp was looking out for me today. I am lucky that I have a good sponsor and though I am only on the early steps, I feel that I am starting to work a program now, wishing you all the best,
Laughed so hard at your desciption...."Washing machine head" I used to call mine, colidiscope thinking........
We all have our funny little sayings, yours is a keeper! I say.
The practice of stopping our brains from going into "over drive" with issues that come up....has always been a practice, practice, practice thing....right.
Never did this, but in retrospect wish I would have given this a try, when in the first steps, and getting started on the 12 Step Path.....some people had a little box, and they called it their "God Box" they would write down what the current life situation was that was occupying way too much time in their thinking, and put that little piece of paper in their "God Box" so figuratively and physically too, just giving the problem to their Higher Power, obviously they were choosing to call theirs GOD.
So good to see you here, and hope, now with that washing machine turned to OFF, you will have a wonderful week end.
Hugs, toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Friday 9th of October 2009 07:36:18 PM
Thank you for the post on turning it over. Our Fri night meeting was on the second step so I am doubly reminded of the importance of keeping God close. I've heard of the God Box, but never tried it. I was thinking I'd like to put: remove "washing machine head" in general. I have been so up and down the last two weeks I feel like I'm riding this alternately exhileratingly fun and terrifyingly awful roller coaster. Thankfully I was reminded by a share in meeting tonight that this experience is often very typical in early recovery. It makes me feel crazy. When I deconstruct, I've it's mostly a result of impatience that it takes time to reconstuct new ways of dealing with life. I am counting on the promises, I've worked hard so far and realized this week that in keeping with old habits, I want it all, especially the serenity, now and permanently, constant uphoria. Just not realistic and more in line with the old desire for a simple happy pill/drink to make me feel better, now.
Yah...Identify with much being said here. I love "washing machine head" too. So apt for how I feel much of the time. Also angela...the roller coaster thing...you could refer back to a post I made here at 7 months called "The roller coaster ride." Amazes me to see the same words coming from you... I'm going to dig that post up cuz it still holds true.. I thought I was having a huge moment of clarity at the time. Perhaps I was. I know I talked quite a bit about finding God in it...sometimes I let that spiritual connection slip and now I know I need to make the effort to maintain it. Anyhow, Lorna I love how you have faith that the tools of this program will work for you for most any problem. I read it in all your posts and that is called living in the solution. It's hard to do and I admire you for having that attitude already.
Mark
Okay, I found it...after digging through several old posts I made which were comical to me now. This one is not comical though and I actually think it is on the money. In retrospect, this is the point where I realized that my journey in AA was a constantly evolving process and even more would be revealed with time... Also I see how life did feel more like a roller coaster then...and in 5 more months, things have evened out a bit more just like people who responded to this post said they would.
This is from May of this year...
I have been on a mission to understand these first 3 steps. I came into AA thinking I could understand them and work through them immediately. I did not know that it was a process that would take 7 and a half months to get to just this point. At around 60 days I started to think of steps 1 through 3 as a roller coaster metaphor. As I was sharing that in another thread here, the whole idea expanded and I sat down and wrote out the metaphor more fully based on my experience and the process I have been through. Here it is:
I came into AA dizzy, confused, sick, scared. I had been on a never-ending roller coaster and I had been riding it all wrong. I was trying to numb myself. I had been repeatedly trying to forget and even acknowledge I was on the ride. It almost killed me.
Step 1: I walked into AA and I found a chair on the roller coaster. There were a bunch of other riders on the train. Many of them seemed happy and like they were actually enjoying this messed up ride. I made a decision at this point that I was going to try and ride this roller coaster better because what I was doing before was dangerous and not working. I admitted as honestly as I could that I was powerless over the ride and I couldn't manage it on my own. I'd made a wreck of things. Even though I was still pretty messed up, I figured "At least I'm sober today." I couldn't even get in the seat drunk. I couldn't even see the other riders, in fact.
Step 2: Okay, I'm still sitting in my seat on this roller coaster ride. I start screaming to the other riders how scared I am. I scream "I don't think I can do it!" They tell me "Hold on to your seat, the ride gets better." I think they must be crazy but I realize they do seem less scared than me and they also tell me "We are here on this ride with you. It will be okay." I feel a little better and decide to trust them. I find comfort from the other riders. Gradually, I realize God is sitting in the seat next to me. I thought that seat was empty. I realize that he created this roller coaster ride. Only he knows the twists and turns that lie ahead. He was right next to me the whole time and I was too drunk to notice. I start to reach out to God. I take his hand, but keep holding on to my seat with with the other riders. I begin to pray to God, "Help me get through this crazy ride!" I cry and tell him I'm scared and "I wan't off!" He tells me, "I'm sitting next to you. It will be okay." I am still a little scared, but this ride doesn't seem so awful now with God next to me and the other riders to take comfort from. I can turn to them and him at any time. I feel more hopeful about the future.
Step 3: I keep riding. There are so many ups and downs, twists and turns. I keep thinking I know what's up ahead, but the ride jerks another way that I did not anticipate. For quite some time I think "I'm not sure I can handle this!" I look to God and realize fully that I'm never going to know what twists and turns are coming. I can only keep riding and doing my best to not be afraid. I give up trying to predict and control this crazy ride. Every time some scary twist or turn comes, I turn to God and the other riders and they help me get through it. I start to enjoy parts of the ride even though it's still scary and there are parts of it that I still really don't like. I stay in my seat. I share what I am going through with God and the other riders each time. I start to feel so grateful that they are there to listen to me. It is still a roller coaster ride that I can't control or predict, but it's going to be okay. I have some faith now and I trust in this process of what I've been doing.
I look down. I am still sitting firmly planted in that seat that was there for me when I stepped into that room so confused. Thank God for that chair and those riders all around me. I feel glad.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 10th of October 2009 09:16:03 AM
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
That was some fantastic expression. Thanks for re-posting. I don't think I saw it the first time around, maybe I wasn't here yet. How did you locate that so fast? Did you remember that it was under a topic you started?
I scrolled back on the pages and it was on like page 12. I knew it was when I had 7 months so it had to be in May. At the bottom of the topic page there is a page counter...it is cool. I believe all 240 pages are here from when this site started. It made me a little nostalgic cuz not all the people that were regulars here when I came here still come around, but that is similar to meetings and AA in general. I also have used that tool to just read others' posts that interest me. More fun still, I have gone back to read posts from other people who are a couple years ahead of me now just to see what their mindset was like when they had around the same sobriety time as me... So when I responded in another post that I chronicalled my whole first year on this site...I really did, it is all here for me to look back on just like a journal...but with feedback from fellow students and teachers! MIP gold!
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
