I need to share. I need some strength from my fellow A.A.'s. The last 2 days have been sheer and utter hell for me. Very bad fights with the wife, and a short fuse lately has me flying off the handle at my entire family for very petty things. Self has gotten in the way, I seem to be giving it up to my HP only to take it right back, and i have let a small army of people rent space in my head. I've been on my pity pot, and keep thinking that my life should be so much better for me now that I'm sober, but I still have problems. Ok, I know I've pretty much covered all the solutions to my problem, and know what I have to do, but it's just not working. I've been praying constantly, working my steps, and trying my best to surrender it, but I still feel all $hi**y inside. I'm at the point where I'm either going to pick up a drink, or stay sober, and if I'm honest either one is fine. I really REALLY don't want to drink, and won't go out of my way to get it, but if it was in front of me right now I would be hammered in no time. The way I used to feel physically when I thought about a drink has vanished. My head says "no way", but my heart really doesn't care at the moment. I was told by a counselor at the rehab I was at that it's normal to feel this way at the 6 month mark (6 months yesterday) but I'm not sure I have what it takes to break out of my funk. I really thought I was stronger than this, and feel like the past 3 months on the outside (of rehab) have been a set up for one more giant fall. I'm scared I'm going to drink, and if I do I'll die.
Thanks for letting me share, and sorry for all the negativity.
just Posted a little note to you. As I read about your concerns, I heard so much of "have been thinking" . Just wanted to say that the first year, at times can be a @#$^$#@@!!!! With that said,
First things First: as in: "Don't drink, and......don't think"!!!!
Don't know about your Disease, but the way I experienced mine, there was a large gurilla being put to sleep by going to a meeting everyday, and following all and any suggestions. But that gurilla sure did growl and howl while going under.
If it is at all possible, try not to give those negaitve thoughts too much room in your head, they are not paying you any rent money, are they.
This is what I did in that first difficult year,
Found a quiet Place,took that awesome little 24 hour a Day book, and found so much peace and solice in those private moments. I would go to work, and when my thinking about my own life started up, I would take a five minute break, go into the bathroom at work, find a private cubacle, and go to just that day we were in. The Thought, Meditation and Prayer for the day, were just like a warming soothing savue over a hurting mind.
Hope so much you can latch onto some Postive stuff that you have gained, these are growing pains, and they do "ouch" a lot some times. But this Program has the Bandages to use on each one of those ouches.
Did you say that your Sponsor is away??? cannot remember, but do you have another recovering alcoholic person that you can talk to?? That's Important.
Hugs, and again, Congrats on 6 whole months, that 30 x 24 hours x 6. Yahoo, there that is something Positive to take with you today.
Toodles, and remember Brian, you can start your day over, anytime today. I would call this a day you can celebrate, right
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Monday 5th of October 2009 01:31:58 PM
Reffner...congradulations on the 180 days....YEAH!! And you are handling life without a drink...tells you something huh? There's no law that says you gotta drink!! Get away from the small stuff (It's all small stuff) and do something, anything else but drink. If you go wash the car what's the outcome? If you go to a meeting what's the outcome? If you go to a movie what's the outcome? If you call a newcomer to the program and ask them if they need some help with their recovery what's the outcome? Don't think your way into different acting....Act your way into different thinking.
(F)alse (E)vidence (A)ppearing (R)eal. your head is bsing you.
Hey Reffner, I'm in early sobriety and I can completely relate.
My sponsor said to me that what works for him is keeping it practical: he makes *AA* his number one priority, on which hangs everything else in his life.
He told me that it is his number one priority not to take the first drink, to get to meetings, to do service, to reach a hand out to a newcomer, to talk to someone when he's having trouble, to work the steps and, in his case, to sponsor. He says that if he keeps doing that, he KNOWS that he will not drink. If he stops making AA his numero uno, then he WILL lose everything, probably even his life.
He's 30 years in: the wisdom, practicality and humility of that has changed my life and is now helping me to get through some nutty moments in my own early sobriety.
In other words, he has made it clear that if I sincerely make *AA* my number one priority, then I won't have to drink today.
Thank you for sharing this today, Brian. I can identify with having funky feelings before the 6mth mark. It was similar for me & I was frightened of continuing in sobriety & 'really' never having another drink again! My stinking thinking moved towards the justification that also I would rather relapse sooner rather than later if I was going to at all. Service helped me to pull through that time too. I hope it can do the same for you. There is no problem a drink won't make worse. Enjoy another day sober for today & good luck with tomorrow. Relapse is not compulsary ;)
Eventually, I came to realise that when I was back in my defects it was basically my disease talking to me wanting & just waiting for an excuse to drink like some kind of withdrawal. Cunning, baffling & powerful indeed. It isn't to say that there are not legitimate reasons to be upset at things around us but I have learned that acceptance is my answer & that the grouch & the brainstorm are not for me. Well done in getting it out here & I hope you're enjoying the confidence of chats with sober alcoholics near you. Thank you for being here. That short fuse will lengthen :) God bless you, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
My last white-knuckler I ate a lot and went to sleep. Brian, don't sweat the negativity in the share; this is an AA forum, not a "Who's Your Favorite Smurf & Why" forum. If one day is too long, break it down to an hour...a minute...a second. Don't take that first drink no matter what! First Things First! When alcohol is in charge, everything else turns to crap ANYWAY, so frig everything else and make sobriety job #1.
Don't worry about the 'negativity' in your share, we need to share and to hear the bad as well as the good. This isn't a popularity contest.
So what to do about how you feel? What I did was stay close to AA, talk to my sponsor, talk to other recoverers, go to meetings - see a thread here? Sobriety first!
Other things I did was the basics, don't get hungry, don't get thirsty, don't get tired, don't get angry.
We do this one day at a time, the day can re start several times, if you need it, go duvet dive for half an hour.
Finallt I kept busy! I had the cleanest car and kitchen floor in south yourkshire. Go do something, on your own or with others, that has an immediate reward, like washing the car, was dirty, now clean, dig the garden, clean the lounge, wash the bath out.
I also leant on my higher power, asking that he helped me get through the next 5 minutes, hour, day whatever. I felt embarrased at this but you know what, it worked.
6 months in, maybe this is the first time you got 6 months continuous sobreity - it can come as a shock, but it get's easier. It becomes normal.
good luck, stay close.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Well, it's a new day, and I feel like a new person. To start, you all will never know how much your caring and support means to me. So much strength in your words. I went to my home group meeting last might and shared with my wonderful group of friends there. As always, so many good things were said, and before I knew it, I was out of my head and really starting to feel "alive" in the program again. After the meeting I went and picked up my 6 month chip, and a calmness came over me that is unexplainable. With each hug from the people who shared in my pain a little more of the icky feeling went away. It was as if they were taking all the garbage upon themselves a little at a time. I cried the whole way home:not tears of hurt but tears of utter and complete bliss. My HP whom I choose to call God has once again come through for me in an awesome way. I came to realize that without all the hurt I was feeling I never would have felt the joy and wouldn't have learned anything from the experience. It's always hard for me to think about it when I'm in the dumps, but I know that God will always put me in the spot he has chosen for me, if I just have a little patients and faith. Thank you all so much. I have found friends here that could never be replaced by anything else in this world, and for that I am truly grateful. God bless each and every one of you! Brian
Brian, your 'negative share' is just what we all need to hear, cos we all have days like that, no matter how far down the line we are in recovery. These bad times only get better with time due to the fact that us old-ish timers have had more experience of getting through them without a drink.
I don't worry about any newcomer who shares these bad times, because the fact that you have shared it shows me that you are determined to get though it without a drink. The newcomers I fear for are those that stay sober a few weeks/months then suddenly, everything in their garden is rosy and life has never been better.
This is what we call the 'honeymoon period' but if allowed to go on too long, will eventually lead to a drink. I much prefer to hear honesty in meetings, as anyone who knows me will tell you (ain't that right Bill?) I've seen and heard oldtimers in meetings share how wonderful life is and how they have never felt anger or resentments since they started on the programme, well, sorry, but I just don't buy it.
The programme didn't make me an inanimate object totally devoid of emotions, no siree, in order for me to strengthen my sobriety, I have been put into situations which used to baffle me, and each time this happened, and I came through without a drink, I found myself stronger than before I went through the problem.
CONGRATS ON 6 MONTHS - KEEP ON KEEPING ON
Oh, and one other thing, I prayed for a garden of roses when I first got sober, and guess what?? That is exactly what I got.
Have you seen the size of those bloody thorns on each one of the roses?? Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Brian, your 'negative share' is just what we all need to hear, cos we all have days like that, no matter how far down the line we are in recovery. These bad times only get better with time due to the fact that us old-ish timers have had more experience of getting through them without a drink.
I don't worry about any newcomer who shares these bad times, because the fact that you have shared it shows me that you are determined to get though it without a drink. The newcomers I fear for are those that stay sober a few weeks/months then suddenly, everything in their garden is rosy and life has never been better.
This is what we call the 'honeymoon period' but if allowed to go on too long, will eventually lead to a drink. I much prefer to hear honesty in meetings, as anyone who knows me will tell you (ain't that right Bill?) I've seen and heard oldtimers in meetings share how wonderful life is and how they have never felt anger or resentments since they started on the programme, well, sorry, but I just don't buy it.
The programme didn't make me an inanimate object totally devoid of emotions, no siree, in order for me to strengthen my sobriety, I have been put into situations which used to baffle me, and each time this happened, and I came through without a drink, I found myself stronger than before I went through the problem.
CONGRATS ON 6 MONTHS - KEEP ON KEEPING ON
Oh, and one other thing, I prayed for a garden of roses when I first got sober, and guess what?? That is exactly what I got.
Have you seen the size of those bloody thorns on each one of the roses?? Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.
Thanks Avril, really great advice. My first sponsor was a guy two years in who basically felt that he was the Dalai Lama and felt that he was the fount of all wisdom. Sorry, didn't work for me.
I've got another sponsor now, 30 years in. I listen to him. I haven't had a drink today and HP willing, will not.
