Today was the closest I've come to a relapse YET and I think it's because I started my amends not with something like like "Hi, sorry I sat on your sunglasses when we were drunk in the boat. Can I buy you a new pair?" but with apologizing to my ex-fiance for the last years of our relationship; lies, cheating, distancing myself from her, fits of rage, and other dysfunctionla sh*% she didn't deserve.
She replied. She said to make amends to her that I should hold dear the relationships I have now and give them all my love. She told me that the pain I caused her 16, 17 years ago still impairs her to this day. The letter was gentle, and kinder than I deserve, but I saw for the first time how truly & deeply I had hurt this woman who I once swore to care for and protect forever. I immediately stopped resenting her for leaving me. Without my 16 year-old shield of resentment and the thick, woollen oblivion of drink - I REALLY feel the guilt and shame of my wrongs. It hit me like a sledgehammer in the chest. I got out my phone and called everyone I could think of for a lifeline and got nothing but voicemails. My sponsor must be out of town, and my wife & kids were at a movie 90 miles away.
I was totally alone. Just me & my guilt. I paced, I prayed, I cried, I howled and I wanted drunk so friggin' bad!!! Oh...did...I...WANT...drunk. Not "a drink". I wantedto get inside-out, vomit-drenched drunk. I took a quick HALT inventory and ate some eggs, then read some Big Book and fell asleep. I'm kinda better now. Told my wife about it. She said I should have called her because the movie sucked. She (wife) also said that she forgives me and that I'm doing exactly what my ex asked of me. She doesn't mind that I contacted my ex. She's happy that I'm serious about my stepwork.
I'll get advice from my Sponsor on Monday, but I wanted to share this story as a warning about amends. Not all amends are created equal.
Wow that was a rough one huh. Well there could be gratitude in this that you're definitely in touch with your feelings now, which is a good thing. I know that sometime, during my childhood, I became emotionally numb from too many painful experiences due to my alcoholic divorced parents and my acting out about the same. I shut down and I guess I subconsciously decided not to be hurt by never feeling again. This might have saved my life but feelings are a package deal and when you get rid of the negative feelings, all the positive feelings (love, joy, peace, happiness, serenity, contentment, self esteem, pride....) go out the door with them. What's left is a vast emptiness and a wonderment about how others are experiencing these things and you can't. That was "outside looking in", and "alone in a roomful of people" for me.
I remember an experience in early sobriety where my 2 yo son had a temperature of 106 degrees. His mother and my mother in law (who was a nurse) were very upset as the four of us were taking him to the hospital. I couldn't understand their fear. I was contemplating this surreal moment in transit wondering why I didn't feel badly about my son's condition. I even played it through in my mind, like what happens if he dies and still nothing. I felt ashamed and confused. I wanted to drink very badly so that I could feel something maybe pretend to feel.
A few months later I brought the missing feelings thing up with my sponsor and in several meetings. I told them that I was going to pray for my feelings to return. Many people said "be careful what you pray for...". I began doing just that and a week later my feeling ambushed me pretty hard. A lot of things that I'd done and that were done to me came to mind. It was almost unbearable. Fortunately I was going to meetings every day and in close contact with my sponsor, as I wanted to drink more than ever. I knew then that it was time to do my 4th and 5th steps as soon as possible.
There is a reason to do the steps in order. I am not saying you did anything wrong here at all though. Only that it takes time to be on square enough grounds that you know who to make amends to, how, and when. Did your sponsor know you were going to make this amends? There is a strategy to doing things in early sobriety that are difficult. It is called bookending. This means you set it up so that you call your sponsor before and after whatever the event is. Sometimes it doesn't always work this way, as you can't plan it. My sponsor had me on steps 1, 2, and 3 the whole first year. In retrospect, a moral inventory of myself (step 4) at 90 days would have been a trainwreck because I still hated myself so much and I was working my way out of the immediate damage I created that it would have sent me into a tail spin. I would not have done an inventory in which I balanced out assets with those defects...It would have been just a full-on self-hate experiment without enough guidance. So...just remember Rob, your sobriety is great, but it is still in it's infancy. Go easy on yourself if you can. There is no hurry to rush through the steps or to skip ahead. It was brave to do what you did, but as you see...there is a reason to be patient and just let some things become more clear in time. Very awesome you had the tools to avoid that 1st drink though. Keep on keepin on!
I had to add an edit because I did realize it is entirely possible you are on step 9 now, even though it's only been a bit over 90 days. Some sponsors do have you work steps very hard and fast and that works for some. That style was actually pretty common early on in AA from what I understand. Dr. Bob and Bill W. used to have people doing all 12 in rehab I have heard (with the understanding that they continue to work them forever and just do them over and over again). Anyhow, I have not done steps 4, 5, 6, and 7 yet but from what I see, the point of it is largely to forgive myself for all the crappy things I did so I can be free of resentment and be more of a changed person BEFORE making amends. That way, when I do make the amends, I can do it from a point of knowing I am a changed person. I may feel guilty about what I did, but not ashamed because I will deeply know I won't act like that again. For example...I certainly know I owe my parents amends for forcing them into a position of treating me like a kid and pulling the enabling out of them. I made them go through my alcoholic ex to handle all my affairs because I was too busy drinking and being childish to handle my own life. I never called them back and my mother continues to call me and act like I can't handle the simplest things. I resent this treatment, but I also know I had a huge hand in creating it and I need to get over it and gain more time being independent before making amends, as I still rely on my parents too much in my mind. I hope this makes sense. I can't apologize to my parents the right way until I know for sure I am different and I fully forgive myself for what I did. I don't know how or when this will happen, but I trust it will. I guess that's all I can say.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 4th of October 2009 10:36:20 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hi Rob. I have made amends that turned out quite differently than I expected. That is why I was told that I was to do it for ME, and not to allow persons to trample all over me, either. I am to make amends and dismiss myself at times. Clean up my side of the street, and not allow myself to get into trying to cure another person's problems.
I had an ex whose life I basically ruined at the time. I had made amends and we parted ways. Years later, he called me from 1,200 miles away, out of the blue. Said he still was having problems in relationships and it was all my fault. I was very kind in saying this:
"Are you still in Alanon" (him) "No, it's different out here (San Fran)" (Me) "Have you gone to counselling like you used to here?" (him) "well, no but...." (Me) "Well, as you know, I am deeply sorry for the way I treated you, as I have told you in my amends years ago. I still feel bad about it. But I cannot do anything about the problems you are having today. You know what the tools are, that you need. It is up to you to use them now."
My sponsor was thrilled that I did not, after years, allow him to use me as an excuse to not being taking care of himself and asking for help (which he knew well how to do).
Just my two cents. ABSOLUTELY I should feel some of the pain I caused others. But I have to be careful to not be manipulated into feeling maudlin guilt and despair. That's not the purpose of step 9. Rob, have you worked the other steps yet? Just curious...
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I believe we do the Steps to the best of our ability, and in line with how our own Sponsor suggests.
My own 2 cents on this, is that I definitely saved the Amends to my former husband that I had done harm to, for the very last. I believed it was going to be the Most difficult, and I personally choose to do this 9th Step, after I was very grounded and feeling the strength of the AA 12 Step program, my fear was that this is the one person that had the ability to "go after me", with the guilt, with even with a look of complete dissaproval. We did this face to face, and he did not have a reaction, I was coming from a heart felt acknowledgment for my part in the distruction of our marriage, and it had nothing to do with Alcohol, I was not even drinking when we got a Divorce. It was the suddeness of my decision that over-whelmed him, and knew he went through a lot of pain in the first year.
I say that even though I did not have any drinking problem at that time, I was still thinking just like any active Alcoholic. As in born an Alcoholic, just did not pick up the habit til my Divorced and single days.
So I can certainly understand how it would have thrown you. You are so new the the Program and the Steps. Just wanted to say that most of my amends happened at the end of the first year, but with this one at just about two solid years of Recovery.
Hope so much you are feeling better today.
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Sunday 4th of October 2009 12:19:56 PM
Thanks, ya'll! My sponsor is pretty old-school and rides me hard. We've been working on my step 8 list and when I asked "when do I start making these contacts?" he said. "you'll know." I'll mention bookending to him.
24 hours later I'm glad that I did it. Now I know better than to wade out past the drop-off just yet. The ex gave me permission to make amends, and my wife has offered forgiveness. She knows it's best for us both, and the kids.
Ya'll are right - I can't fix her now any more than I could fix her then and in the end, we're all just human critters. I'll put that shame and guilt in a book in my soul's library and not wear it around my neck like an albatross.
Aquaman - I've read and re read your post and could only reply now.
Sometimes it's hard to accept forgiveness as this. I made amends to my wife after about 18 months and she forgave me and that was the hardest thing to take. But it all came out, every hurt, every dissappointment, every slight (or so it seemed at the time - they're still coming out but more like reminiscences, like do you remember xyz.......and followed by I'm glad you're not like that anymore.) and at the end she forgave me.
That set me up for amends to my son and daughter (by letter as they wouldn't see me).
Their responses - from Son - silence, no response, no contact. That's the hardest, remembering that his response is his response and is how it is today.
My daughter, a phone call at 2 in the morning, wishing me an early, painful and prolonged death, followed an hour later with an hour long phone call where she got it all off her chest, tried to press my buttons (unsuccesfully) expressed some of her fears and closed with a statement that if I had anything else to say to her, say it now as I'm 95% sure I'll never speak to you again. (so there's a 5% chance then). So my daughter started her healing.
Those were the three hardest ones and I did the hard ones first. The rest came easier and as new ones emerge I deal with them without fear.
I still make ongoing amends to my family by staying sober first, thinking before I speak or act next and trying to be appropriately supportive, practically, fianacially and emotionally, and by family I mean all my family, wife, son, daughter, Mother, sister, brothers, etc. etc.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Its early days for me and I'm just on step one with my sponsor, I can't think that far ahead as I feel very fragile at time, well done for not drinking and I just keep it simple, and from what an old timer said at a meeting when it gets tough, dont' drink, go to meetings, ask for help.
Had to call in to work today. I knew the only two places for me were a meeting, and home. I chaired the meeting. It felt good to serve. The Reflections reading today was so right on the nuts. Baggage. Forgiving one's self. The theme even spilled over into Pop culture. Tonight's Heroes was about acknowledging the past in order to build a better future. Co-incidence? Don't think so. HP.
Lot's of hugs and crying at my coffee & cookies meeting today. I'm feeling better now. Now I need sleep.
I understand (from Alanons I have met) that they (people who are attracted to us alkies) are already somewhat flawed even before we take them hostage. One convention I was at, which was an open meeting with AA, Alanon and Alateen, this female blackbelt alanon shared, after hearing 3 or 4 AA's sharing how much they had damaged their kids, and this woman said. 'I am bloody sick and tired of hearing these people blame themselves totally for damaging their kids, but let me tell you, it was ME who did my kids most damage. HE just staggered home drunk and passed out, which the kids mostly thought was quite funny, but I was the raving lunatic who set about him with a bottle, or anything else I could lay hands on, and the kids told me once we all came into recovery that THIS behaviour was what upset them more than their father's drinking'
Sick people attract sick people, so we shouldn't take ALL the blame.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
Oh Avril, that's exactly what our Meeting Matron (you know, everybody's Mom at the Real World Meetings) said. I had to have her tell me twice because at first it sounded like "blame the victim" but it finally sunk in that what she was saying was that it takes two dysfunctional people to make a dysfunctional relationship and I'm healing us BOTH by owning up, being WILLING to make amends and improving my current relationship by losing those old chains.
She (wife) also said that she forgives me and that I'm doing exactly what my ex asked of me. She doesn't mind that I contacted my ex. She's happy that I'm serious about my stepwork.
