i know exactly what you mean! i just cant do anything in moderation. when i smoked i went through packs so fast i couldnt keep track. and now that i dont smoke or drink, i drink coffee like joggers drink water. its a mystery to me...

Ah....erm...well...

I have an addictive personality. As a recovering alkie, I exist today with medical conditions that may or may not have evolved from drinking and drugging...but the chances they are drink and drug related are pretty hard to ignore.

Ironically, and totally nonsensically (as is the nature of addiction) in sobriety I continue to pander to addictions that continue to aggrivate these things... My kidneys gave me HELL during the drinking days and continue to haunt me in sobriety. My caffeine addiction aggrivates this no end, and as I write I am in my fourth day of another bout and wishing I didn't drink coffee...BUT I'm still drinking the stuff! Albiet I'm throwing in a few extra glasses of water, and believing that once I tilt the scales to more water than coffee, the pain will ease...unless my kidneys decide to just totally pack it in... and then I will cry and pretend I am shocked when the docs recommened dialysis...

But I am sober today, and facing that addiction was enormous. I do not drink or use drugs, illicit or prescription. I don't have the privilege of being able to experiment with those scales. I tried and I hurt too many people. I still hurt on various levels from the legacy of that experimentation. It is imperative that I stay stopped and continue to make my amends. Coffee was a big part of my recovery...I learned to reach for a different drink, and coffee and water were something I clutched in those early days. I continue to act on the habit that helped establish my sobriety. I consider it the lesser of the evils. Coffee hurts me, but it doesn't stimulate me to hurt others. I am a drinker, so trading coffee for cola is no trade in my eyes. I tried all sorts of trade outs with alcohol and I'm left with two healthy options...milk or water. Neither help me live sober, and I do need help to do that. I like the life I live today and intend to live it.

I'm also a smoker. I detest smoking. I have raised my kids with an understanding that I am responsible for my respiratory probs. It wasn't the anaethethists fault when my lung collapsed after surgery, it was mine. I am not lactose intolerant, but I can't drink a lot of milk. The reason for that is fairly simple, I think...I have damaged the mucous membranes in my throat through smoking. My lung capacity is also limited and I experience enduring colds that others around me step through in a day or so. Smoking developed alongside my drinking. I leaned heavily on the cigs when I stopped drinking. So heavily, that psychologically the things have a grip on me that I have difficulty believing I will ever break, despite ongoing attempts. Attempts to quit smoking have introduced me to a person I quite honestly despised. Some have tried to suggest that that is the real me...if it is, then it might be best to just whack me in a straight jacket and just lock me up, because it is a horrible person who appears, far far worse than the abominable drunk I came to terms with.

I am sober today. I can support my own habits today...something I couldn't do with the grog and drugs. There remains an element of managability that exists for me alongside my caffeine and nicotine addictions. I value my sobriety and I like myself today. I am aware of my self harm, and also of the harm I cause others whenever I attempt to surrender these habits. I'm also aware of how each attempt jeapodises my sobriety...how I respond when I withhold those substances and how my family suffers my attempts to quit.

My addictive personality splashes over into everything I do. I accept that, and constantly monitor and attempt to moderate my behaviours and tendency to lean towards the extremes. I also let folks around me know what I am capable of, and what I need help monitoring, because they will often identify signs before I do...and I try to remain open to those prompts, reminding myself often that in admitting my addictive personality, I realise I will eventually die of one thing and one thing only... denial. Not today.

I am sober. I am grateful for what I have left. I don't regret the past. Nor do I intend to die with regrets. I am a coffee swilling, cigarette smoking, sober alcoholic...a recovering alkie and addict who has learned to like herself just as she is today wart n all, learned the value of living, and someone who now considers others as so much more than what they do. Call it a cop out if you prefer...in my eyes, it sure beats dicing with going back to a time when I had no conscious contact, no boundaries, no memory, no faith, and no capacity to change any of those things.

In peace,

Nic