I haven't made it this far yet, however, I was approached by someone who "wronged" me in the past. I guess trying to make "amends" I really don't know him that well, but he was really sincere in his appoligetic about what had happened. I was mortified. I had no idea how to react. I've heard or how to be on "our" side, but what is the appropiate reaction to be on the other side? (I don't think the other guy is an alcoholic, I think it may be a religious thing..) I accepted the appoligy, shoke his hand and move on, but now feel weird arround him.
In the future I hope people will be able to accept my "amends," and now I'm trying to react as I would hope others will treact to me (although I THINK they will not, I wasn't always a nice person)
I guess caught me of guard being on this side, best way to react???
(please excuse spelling, no spell check..)
-- Edited by MDC on Thursday 1st of October 2009 08:58:36 PM
-- Edited by MDC on Thursday 1st of October 2009 09:24:31 PM
It sounds like you acted appropriately. I would suggest letting the person make the ammend, hearing them out without making conversation until possibly after they are done.
You might tell them you accept their offer, and you respect the actions they are taking to set right some wrongs of the past.
As far as actions toward others, in AA we just try to "do the next right thing".
I wouldn't worry about or get caught up in how others will react to our ammends, we can't control their actions. Remember?
Our ammends are about "us" trying to clean-up our side of the street.
Hopefully others will appreciate and respect what we are doing, but our growth through making the effort is the important thing.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I too have to agree that Rob was right on the money. As my sponsor tells me often, the reason to make amends has nothing to do with the other person involved, it's about (like Rob put it so well) "cleaning up our side of the street". In the past I always wanted to rush out and make those amends, but was not even anywhere close to that phase of my recovery. I did try on my own, and it back-fired making the problem worse for both of us. Being well into step 4 myself, I can totally understand why the amends thing is all the way at step 9. I'm starting to discover that the people that "wronged" me almost always did so because of MY actions or reactions, or something I said while I was under the influence. I think it's important to respect others when they make amends to us, and keep in mind that they're probably doing it for themselves. Sounds like you did the right thing, and I think if you continue to work a good program and do the right thing, your HP will take care of the rest. Brian
I was taught before doing this step, that is was only about sweeping our side of the street clean, Rob, hit the nail on the head.
I can sort of identify with the confusion you felt. When I did my last Amends, saved the hardest one for the last, it was with my former husband, and father of my two children.
We had a lunch date for this event, and I got it all up and out my part of the detoriation of that marriage, owning all my own wrongs. And the expression oh his face, well it reminded me of how you felt. I did wonder what his thoughts were for a few minutes, but then let it go completely. My part was done.
It was about 6 months later, when I had a Memorial dinner and gathering for my mother that had just passed away. He did come, and I thought at the time, must be doing this for the children, then later in the evening when I was just about to cut up this giant cake, at the end of this Memorial, he walked over, put his arm around my shoulders, it was very significant, for it was showing the entire world of our mutual friends and families that were there in this room, that the Cold War between us was forever over. Never forgot that feeling in my heart, it was a non verbal gesture. And I owed it to the Program for my instructions on clearing away the wreckage or our Past.
So hope this relates to what you were saying. When we do our amends, we do them without any thought of getting a specific response. I have heard of many that have had these awesome meetings with others, and where the "breech " was forever forgiven, symbolically, with both people being involved in this one person action. Have also heard of just the opposite, where the person was told, " Well, ok, but dont ever come back here.
To me, a difficult but so critically necessary Step.
Good to see you here this morning.
Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Friday 2nd of October 2009 11:45:29 AM
Aloha Mark...good thread and great responses. Hearing others in recovery unified on the amends process is hopeful for me. Our morning meeting was on step 10 and it was another great meeting. Step 10 starts with "Continued..." For me then the amends or "changing what I can" process becomes a daily behavior. Before recovery I use to make "convenient apologies" is ever until I bumped into the word amend which became changing myself with one consequence being less and less apologies for unacceptable behavior. An apology for me is part of the amends process because in the past I was inconsiderate of other peoples feelings, uncompassionate, a justifier and excusers of my unacceptable behavior and a constant resentment and self pity practisioner.
Rob and the others spoke well about how I give and receive apologies. I receive them like I'd like to have the ones I make received.
For me the process is for making right the relationship I have with my Higher Power. That relationship is the foundation of all of my relationships and if I don't have one there...I don't have one at all. This was expressed by another member in this morning's meeting and by looking around the room...I didn't find anyone who dis- agreed.
