How does one go about changing sponsors? I suppose technically I don't have a sponsor at the moment because I've been drinking and not working the program. But, I want to stop drinking and that means getting sponsorship again. My "old" sponsor and I have a lot of history (4-5 relapses) and he was the first person in AA that I developed a rapport with. I'm not really sure if I want a new sponsor or not, or if I should get a new sponsor. The thought has crossed my mind that maybe I've perverted the relationship (not in THAT way) in some way in the past- being too chummy or just flat-out deceitful...My relapses weren't his fault, of course, so maybe changing sponsors is a bad idea? I suppose there is this ideal I have that I will make him proud, and in turn help him by making his 12th step fruitful. I identify with him on many levels- he is an artist (which I pretend to be on occasion), he lives simply, he is intelligent, he is "cool" (lol)...I want what he has- long-term sobriety, a life, etc...
I dunno.
Suppose I do decide to change sponsors- How do I tell my old one, and how do I go about getting a new one?
I went for sponsors that had what I wanted. I have fired a couple and have fired myself a time or two because the progress had stopped. Sponsorship is a humility trip and for me has to be that. It is also for me part time...I don't expect my sponsor to work it for me and when I'm working it I don't expect my sponsor to be looking over my shoulder which in most cases hasn't happened often. I also don't make it a personality thing either. I will respect who they are and what they accomplish and expect them to be human all the time. Just for me. I've had prospective sponsors turn me down too. That is cool and honest.
I cant say which I would do...sometimes I struggle with this idea myself so I dunno. One thing I can say for sure though is he will be immensely proud of you if you stay sober regardless. I am guessing you have learned a lot from him and when you truly truly have that willingness in you to do this a day at a time and never look back no matter what, your sponsor will just be there to guide you and to supplement the willingness that is already there. You know how it works adam cuz it has worked for you for some relatively substantial chunks of time before. I really just think that a full surrendering step 1 is all you need to do different this time and it will work for you....
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I don't think there is a clear answer but one possible suggestion is:
Tell your past sponsor you are wanting to stop driking and work the program again, you can ask him to be your temporary sponsor and you may seek someone else to work with in the future. Maybe you should get even ask his opinion on whether you think you need to find a new sponsor.
After some weeks of soberity and prayer and meditation, if you and/or your old sponsor think it is best that you work with someone else, make that decision.
Maybe some of these ideals can help. I'm sure he just wants you to stay sober and turn your life around, regardless of who your sponsor is.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Well you did say that your old sponsor had a lot of stuff that you wanted, and has long term sobriety....so it is your call.
But I believe it is a worthwhile gesture to talk to him. And I was thinking too, could be very wrong here, are you maybe fearful that he would say no? Ok just some thoughts.
But first things first, right, have you giving yourself over to a Complete Surrender to Step One?????
So we all know inside our own hearts what we mean and how we feel, so go with what "feels" right, inside. That's my vote. But no harm could come from getting in touch with him.
I think because I was a "Hard Case" and had done so much stuff with my trusted Sponsors, I recall one saying to me on the Phone, I was pretending to be sober, she sort of laughed and said, Love you Toni, PLEASE CALL ME, when you sober up. Don't know why i added that. oh well.
Hugs, and please let us know how you are doing. It is truly great to see you here this morning!
I don't think there is a clear answer but one possible suggestion is:
Tell your past sponsor you are wanting to stop driking and work the program again, you can ask him to be your temporary sponsor and you may seek someone else to work with in the future. Maybe you should get even ask his opinion on whether you think you need to find a new sponsor.
After some weeks of soberity and prayer and meditation, if you and/or your old sponsor think it is best that you work with someone else, make that decision.
Maybe some of these ideals can help. I'm sure he just wants you to stay sober and turn your life around, regardless of who your sponsor is.
What Rob says. I switched sponsors early on and it has really helped me in so many areas.
I regret a little bit the way that I left my old sponsor (a phone call saying that I can't commit to the time with you, I've got a guy closer to home so I don't think that we should work together any more) and wil make an amend with him when I get to Step 9, but bluntly put, my new guy has helped me to stay sober.
I picked my first sponsor for all the wrong reasons that I didn't even realize.
How does one go about changing sponsors? I suppose technically I don't have a sponsor at the moment because I've been drinking and not working the program. But, I want to stop drinking and that means getting sponsorship again.
Hey Dodds,
One usually finds candidates, for the position of sponsors, in meetings.
I'd bet anything that you'd find one (and get sober) in the course of doing a 90 in 90.
Well I myself have this same problem. I had a sponsor while I was in a treatment center. Things got ugly right at my 11th step. I couldn't complete this half-way house without a sponsor or until I finished my steps. I cussed out the the Lady who ran this recovery house, and got mad at my than sponsor for sharing some information I felt was confidental. I was maded to call this sponsor and tell her of what I had said about the Lady and her. I called them both "Bitches"!
To my suprise my sponsor quickly said she could no longer sponsor me and hung up the phone. I was hurt and felt abandoned by her. She wouldn't accept my phone calls for months. Of course, I found a temparory sponsor and finished this program. I didn't care for the Temporary sponsor and got very depressed. Out of the blue several months had passed, an I called my old sponsor and maded amends, asked her to sponsor me again. She accepted but it wasn't the same. I still have this sponsor and will not call her, nor will she call me. I had to do my steps via a 12-step mtg this time. I still didn't finish my steps cause I needed a sponsor to drop my 4 Step with. And this relationship is astranged now. I'am miserable, lost and lonely. I just wish I could have that same old sponsor again. But I started this ball rolling with my quick temper, and harmed her and others. I feel that if you question going back to this sponsor, suggestion which I'am going to take for myself due to this experience. JUST MOVE ON! Save yourself that agony; Iam currently going to recieve my token from a support person. Humiliation cause I just don't have a relationship with the sponsor I have in NAME ONLY! It's going to be hard just to pick up the phone and say I QUIT to her. But I have to in order to move forward to live!
I dunno about your sponsor, but whenever I sponsor anyone, I make it quite clear that if at any time, for whatever reason, they feel they need to change sponsors, then that is fine by me, likewise if I feel the need to let go of a sponsee, that's OK too.
I also make it clear that once a sponsee picks up a drink, the sponsorship relationship ends. I don't sponsor drunks, nor do I sponsor anyone who doesn't regularly attend meetings. I have been asked (no, make that 'told') by one girl I sponsored a few years ago, who went back out for more research, 'I'm not going to go to any more meetings, they're really not for me, so I will just ring you up 3 or 3 times a week'
I had to tell her that I don't do private sponsorship, and since non-attendance at meetings says to me thay are not AA members anymore, I won't take their calls, UNLESS it's to say they want to get back to meetings.
Don't get me wrong, if a sponsee picks up again and gets right back to the meetings, it's a different story, I'm not hard enough to turn my back on someone who is really trying but not quite getting it, but if I waste time on someone who is obviously not putting in any effort, I am denying support to someone else who does want to get sober.
Nothing I ever say is necessarily right, but it was right for ME in early days when the oldtimers dished out 'Tough Love' which was exactly what I needed, and I can't tell it any other way than how it was for ME.
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Serenity is Wanting what you have, not having what you want
Always remember non-alcoholic beers are for NON-ALCOHOLICS
