Only child, now late 30's, mom died in an alcoholic car accident when I was 4. Me and dad moved in with my grandparents, as he worked long hours and I needed a stable home life. Dad had stopped drinking 6 months before she died, and he found religion afterward. He became very fanatical out of fear for my future, and exposed me to church experiences where they hollered and laid hands on, which scared me as a kid. He was extremely militant with his punishment (the belt-- spare the rod and spoil the child was his favorite verse), and was one minute furious, and the next, very loving. He bought me show horses to compensate for his temper, and also so he could keep an eye on me. We did have wonderful times together though. I was an artist and into music, and would spend a lot of time alone studying science books and magazines.
Once highschool came and went, I was "outta here". Started college intending to do nothing there but party, and so I did. I went to school 5 minutes from home, yet did not visit or call my dad for over a year, and within 3 years had blown through a huge trust left to me by my mother on alcohol, drugs and frivolous stuff. In my late teens/early 20's, I dropped out of school, hit a pedestrian while drunk driving, got hooked on another substance which would keep me up for days so I could drink for days... and attempted suicide in a very serious way, with no warning to those around me. I ABSOLUTELY wanted to die, at age 19.
The thing about alcohol that "hooked me", was that I didn't feel lonely or angry any more. I did not feel self pity and my self esteem problem melted away with the drinks. Alcohol helped me get "in" with the "punk" crowd which I admired for their "creativity". I still had a place to lay my head at grandma's, but I would spend days if not weeks living out of my old car, wandering from flop house to flop house, drinking and drugging. The highlight of every evening was seeing a band play out somewhere locally. Dying my hair colors that are not ever found in nature, hanging out and using at a tattoo shop, punking out to the max.
Eventually my additional addiciton to another substance, which was taboo even in the croud I was hanging with, took me away from that crowd and onto the streets of the inner-city, where I did anything a woman could do to get a bottle and another "hit". I got into trouble with the law, went in and out of the county jail on misdemeanors for a few years. I started moving aorund to other cities, other parts of the country far away, to try and get control. I did not find the "drug crowd" in these other cities (because I wasn't looking for them), but the alcohol use was sooo out of control, it is a miracle I did not die. I landed back home, and was given an ultimatum, as it was discovered that I had stolen family money to get high and drunk. I went into an outpatient program, located directly in the center of where I did all my using. As soon as I got out, back to the streets.
Throught the years of my hopelessness, I was beat up, knocked out when someone grabbed my hair and slammed my head down onto an iron steam-heating coil, and when a strange man tried to kidnap me, I had to jump out of his moving pickup truck and get knocked into a ditch. And I went right on doing what I was doing that night. Female using associates had been stabbed, shot, and one of them was found dead, floating in a river in another city. I kept going though, all sense of reason and sanity completely gone from my being.
I had a few bouts of sort of "forced" recovery, and swore off the hard stuff, but the moment I would take another seemingly harmless drink, I was off and running for whatever the mean streets had waiting. I was always led back to the alcohol, which always led me to even more trouble. It always started with alcohol, every single time.
I got serious about recovery for awhile, then relapsed and ended up in a field, assaulted and "invaded" by a stranger my own age, fighting for my life. I ran and crawled after he ran off, defecating myself in my pants, and once I got to a house and beat on the door, screaming for help, I blacked out. I woke up almost a week later in a psych ward, where I was interviewed about the incident by the police. I had a severe case of PTSD from the incident, and not only could I not move the muscles in my face (I was in total shock), but I could not "see" correctly even after I was released and sent home, for several weeks. It was all physical symptoms of severe trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was taken back to an apartment a family member had been keeping up on the rent for me, and I could not sleep right for months. I would wake up in the night screaming my head off, looking in closets and behind the sofa for a predator, and even in the oven. I was insane. I certainly did not want to ever pick up a drink again. I could not function though at all, and I obsessed about suicide. I was afraid to live, as I feared going back to the drink. I felt that I would never be able to stop, even in the midst of all the horrors I had faced. I was at that "jumping off point" they talk about.
I had to get psychological help. My family and new AA sponsor helped me get into a county program for people who had been victims as I had, and also were alcoholics and addicts. I had a great psychiatrist who specialized in treating people with medications that would not become addictive or interfere with a person in recovery.
Eventually, through very hard work, a great sponsor, and the support of my family in Al Anon, I put together some good sobriety. I eventually began to truly love myself and care for myself and my future. I began to truly appreciate the life that I had almost lost to the alcoholism. I made wonderful sober friends, and I stayed away from men for about 18 months. The rape I had been through surely helped me to stay out of a relationship, for sure!
Eentually I did date a few guys from AA, but ultimately I met a man who was spiritual, and non-judgmental, who was not an alcoholic. I married him. I fell down when we first got married, and used, but something was diferent. I no longer "belonged" in that environment, and could not go to the lengths I used to go to to get drunk and high. I was gone for weeks though. My family shared Al Anon with him, and my sponsor helped him like a mother. I did come back to him, and he vowed to do whatever it took for me to have the space I needed to get better. I had something at home this time that I didn't want to lose. Not only a marriage, but a sense of peace when sober, and a love for myself and a concern for my family and for my own life that I was not willing to gamble with again.
I went back to doing the things in AA I had to do to maintain sobriety. I went back to counseling and therapy, which I had discovered I still needed, even though from the outside everything looked "complete" wiht the picket fence and all. I was still very sick and discovered then that I will NEVER be completely "well", and I will always need AA and outside medical help. But I am ok with that today. I embrace it.
I worked some good jobs, finished college with the help of my husband and family, and now have a job that I always dreamed about. I get to work almost full time doing what I love, and still have a couple of afternoons off during the week, and never work on weekends. My boss knows I am in recovery, and applauds me for that. He trusts me at work. My family trusts me. My husband trusts me with money and credit cards, and he trusts me to head out for dinner on occasion with girlfriends from work who are nOT alcoholics, yet not in a program. I see and sepnd time wiht people who can "take it or leave it", and I am no longer threatened by it, nor haunted by the presence of alcohol. Wherever I go, I go for the right reasons. If I am feeling cranky or angry or sad, I do not tread where I might be tempted. But for the most part, if I feel spritiually fit, and am practicing my steps and also taking care of my mental health, I am not bound by my disease, I am free to open my life up and have relationships with non-alcoholic people today.
The only constraints in life I have now, are the ones that my mental health creates for me. I have to treat PTSD and physical depressive tendencies simultaneously while treating my alcoholism, or neither will work. I consider myself an alcoholic, who, through drinking, suffered the consequences of other addictions, and also mental health issues created by events that alcohol took me to. That is how serious I believe my alcoholism is. That if I had not drank myself to the places I had, some of this would not have happened. It is a consequence, and I am ok with this today, because I can't go back, and there IS remission for all of it, through doing the work and a daily reprieve.
Thanks for those who read and can relate.
Love and hugs, and continued recovery, Joni
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Thanks Joni. That's a powerful and inspirational story. You've re-inforced my belief that as we become willing and Come to Believe, our HP's work miracles everyday. In our real-world meetings we have noticed a high number of people from "religious" backgrounds who didn't find Faith in an HP until AA.
I am so, so, so sorry that you suffered at the hands of an attacker. I'm a "nice guy" and better than half of my significant relationships have been with women who have accidentally been in the way of a broken man's wrath, so while you've heard it many times before, you can't hear it enough; You are a wonderful woman and it wasn't your fault.
You've given me a lot to be thankful for and added a strand to the weave of my Faith that God could, and would, if He were sought.
To my very Precious and Beloved Friend, and how I see you Noodles, I have always considered our Friendship, as a Beloved Gift from God.
I have heard, only in bits and pieces, your Story, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for drawing a complete painting or landscape of your Journey, into the Loving Arms of God, that turned your life into one of our Amazing Miracles here.
Certainly your Story will help others that are struggling with the same demons, that you faced then, and the sheer horror stories, and I Pray that if they read this, it will help them to know, that they are not Alone, and don't have to be Alone...Anymore.
It does take an almost un nerving courage to go back to those days, and write about them. And you have that courage, they say that Recovery is not for the Faint of Heart, and your Story reaffirms that it was your own Sheer tenacious will to live, and having the Stoutheartedness to go forward, and not give up.'
As always, so blessed to call you my friend, and sister on our Journey up this Mountain.
Aloha JJ...Your story had me holding my breath as so many do. I hold it until you get to the end, the now part and then I let it go feeling humbled cause I feel the old feelings, the spirialing down, caged feelings, the drowning feelings which I so need to feel. You have surely spent your time in hell trying to find a cool, soft, safe place to just lay down and relax. How did you live thru that? How did I live thru my own journey? I know the answer if I stand face to face with my HP and ask why? ...So you can be of use to others is the only sensible response I have ever received. Your experiences are worth more than money and can put an end to another alcoholic/addicts run. I am grateful to know more of it. I share the Al-Anon connection as it resulted in 9 years of no drinking for me and prepared me to be able to sneak in the doors of AA humbled and detached.
Mahalo Nui (Thanks Much) for sharing that part of your journey with MIP. ((((hugs))))
First I amazed at your courage to share such an intimate story -- Second, know that you are an amazing, walking, human testament to so many and the fact that you LIVE - day to day and are a responsible sober contributing human being is a great story to tell.
Please continue to walk the walk, talk the talk, and be an amazing woman in sobriety with so much to give others..
Wow, what can I say! I do hope you tell your story in person at your group (or others) I can only imagine how helpful it would be to the newcomers. James Frey is boring next to you, lol. In the almost 2 years that I have been on this board, I really feel like I know you now, cool huh? I salute you Joni!!
Love and admiration, Scott
__________________
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Thankyou for loving & trusting us to share your story with, Joni. Thankyou for taking the time & effort to share letting us know you better where you've been & where you are today. Yours was especially the sort of story that would & still does blow me away in A.A. When I was early around I would come to meetings & be simply astounded by where people had come from & how this program had helped to turn their lives around no matter after however long.
I love your recovery, Joni & I'm sorry for the experiences you went through before you got this. But, where you've been truly is such a help for us today, now. You told something of your story maybe two years ago or so & I remember then being inspired & feeling that if you could do this success of your life slowly & surely so can I & I have been trying ever since. I have constantly needed to hear stories like yours to help me keep on moving forward into changings & your experience, strength & hope has helped in keeping me faithful.
Thankyou sincerely from the bottom of my heart for your example, humanity & healing, Joni. You are a forbearer of mine that I feel loved & protected in following. Thankyou for coming through what you've been through & being here today a bastion of strength I feel we can all trust in & rely upon. Godbless you & your sobriety, Joni. Thankyou for sharing with us. Just for Today ~ Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Joni, brave indeed to share your story. You have been and still are a wonderful source of strength and hope for me. We do share some of the same experiences in terms of lingering mental health issues and I fully relate to them being in remission as well, but only when I add AA to my overall treatment regimen. I do consider myself lucky to have you in my support network. Some of our experiences are of course different...but the greatest thing is we wound up at the same age, crossing paths here, and in the same basic spot....In recovery. Thanks for being part of my solution!
Love,
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
My God, thank you ALL for the lovely responses and love. I love you all so much, and I am so glad we are all on this journey together!! You ALL keep me sober some days, when i just feel so worn out, and i come here and can get a refreshed view of sobriety.
Love and bearhugs, Joni
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Joni-I read your story when the link was suggested to the newest member today. You have set an example for us women who have lived through trauma and try to hold it in. Thank you for that!
