Hoped someone could help clear this up a bit for me. Since my recovery in AA started I have realised recently that alcohol aside, I have dependancy problems. I latch onto something and then I am reliant on it or them.
I have realised and accepted that after 12 years of marriage and a 16 year relationship since the age of 15, I became dependant on my husband. Completely and utterly dependant. This was ok for both of us, until he decided to grow up and needed me to be responsible for myself when he couldn't. I find I am totally unequiped to face problems and to deal with my children on my own. I wait with baited breath for him to arrive home each night after work, because I jsut dont even know what to do with myself. Of course drinking was always a good option but I realised how that was going to take me down a path of self destruction and no way of solving any problems properly.
I think about him all day long and wonder what I could be doing to make it easier or nicer to be alive when he is away.
My dpendancy probably stems from my need for approval. I always look for approval and love from him and my kids. I need to feel loved in some way and dont trust that I can feel good about myself by myself. I dont want 'friends', I just want to feel at home in my own skin and not have to worry about what others will be thinking of me or how I handle a situation. I rely so heavily on other peoples judgement of me. How do I free myself from these chains because I really think they are holding me back in my recovery.
Great to hear from you...I always wonder how you're doing.
As you grow in recovery, you will find that some of the reliance on others just goes away all by itself. As you become more reliant on your higher power, you seem to tap into that rather than waiting for someone to tell you what you need to do. My sponsor calls it growing up in sobriety. Be patient, it will come, but we don't get to choose when. God does.
After 4 yrs of sobriety, I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes, but I realize now that it's me judging myself rather than my husband judging me. I guess that's progress...it is for me anyways.
Wow that is me in a nutshell ! I am seriously Co-dependent Although Im not sure if that will ever go away for me, Like is very difficult and I need help with somethings that most people don't need. Realizeing this makes life very scary for me.
Suzy,You are not alone in these feelings. I think we are all dependant on others ,in one way or another. As already said, as you grow in recovery you will grow as a whole person, physically, mentally and spiritually.
One of the first things I was told by my sponsor was that since I really started my drinking career at 12 years of age, that was where I was when I got sober, not my age then , which was 30 years old.So today, I might be 32 years old mentally instead of 50.Which is not a bad thing.
Have you got a sponsor yet? Talk to her about this. My sponsor had me read Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More", explained alot to me.
Suzy you are on a journey of discovering who you are as a women, mother, wife,but most of all remember you have to learn to live sober, that's the most important thing in your life today. One day at a time, first things first, and keep it simple.
I'm so glad you are here and I hear the growth already.
In the Big Book it talks about relationships and how we hafta find that emotional balance.
We can become overly dependant on others and demanding and needy and push them away.
We can also totally rely on others to make us who we are, and what identities we take on.
We can allow ourselves to be totally controlled by others also, and be beat into the ground, if we allow it.
And I agree with whats been said about all of us being co-dependant to some point.
Its finding that middle ground.
Once we learn to be completely dependant and healthy within ourselves, then we can form healthy relationships with others.
If Im in a relationship with another, Ive learned that just by being yourself and showing consideration, understanding, love, and sharing the future, one day at a time, together is a great feeling.
If Im insecure with myself, Im going to feel insecure with the relationship.
A relationship to me-and Ive learned all this the hard way is Living and Let Live.--and meeting each other in the middle.
Then theres the other aspect too. Im committed to meeting my partners needs, as they are to mine, as in any relationship. We show love, and receive love in return, but we dont hafta over do it. We each have our own identities.
Communication is another biggy.
I rely on my partner in mature ways today, as she relys on me.
Im there for her in any way I can be, as I know she is there for me.
My partner shares my life today--she does not make my life today. She does not Make me happy--only I can do that--but she contributes to my life and that happiness, within, as we both look forward to tomorrows.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
It sounds to me like you're in a great place to start working the steps. I recommend getting a really good sponsor and getting to work on step 1. When you get around to Step 4 things like this dependency thing will come out and you and your sponsor can get to work on it. I really think that's the way to attack it. 1)Get a sponsor. 2)Get to work on Step 1. When you finish a Step, go to the next one. If we approach this stuff in a random manner I think we can get lost and off track. They talk about this in the Big Book. About building a foundation for the Arch through which we will walk to freedom.
