I am 34. I am a wife and mother of two children ages 10 and 4. I started drinking way more than I should...about a year ago and then for the last six months, my life has revolved around it. Hiding it from my husband as best I can. Fighting a WHOLE lot with him about it. He does not believe in addiction/alcohol disease so the pressure is pretty heavy as to "getting myself together" and "minimizing" my alcohol intake...(He has not quite figured out...I am unable to "minmize" my drinking no matter how hard I pray or how hard I try to only have one drink or two drinks. It ALWAYS turns into 5 to 10 drinks or one to two bottles of wine...etc...
My mother took her life on January 30th 2009....accidently by overdosing on Methadone. Long Long Long story with my roller coaster ride of being her daughter...but we were becoming closer for the last year of her life....I always thought she would die young because of her self destruction, but when it actually happened, it changed who I was and it has been a hard year just trying to come to terms with her young and untimely death. She was merely 48-years-old. No excuse to drink, but my drinking certainly escalated shortly after her death and has not yeilded since.
When I drink, I do not feel good. When I go to sleep I feel guilty and my heart races because of the poison I feed my body all day. I suffer from severe anxiety and alcohol only makes it worse. It is an awful feeling. I took my last drink yesterday in the late morning where I began feeling more anxious than ever, heart beating fast, dizziness, tingling, deathly afraid of passing out and not being able to take care of my 4 year old son. So I spent all day yesterday talking to God and self reflecting on how I want to honor my mother by being what she could not be. Last night I spent time reading posts here on MIP and had no desire to drink...usually nighttime is a big drinking time for Me. I drank tea and made myself remain calm. I went to sleep next to my husband and feel into a relaxing state of mind.
Much more to follow...I will be posting various things as they tell my heart its ok to do..."allow"....I will probably bore all of you, but atleast I can get this stuff off my mind and told to someone other than Myself....:(
Havent started AA meetings. I am going to do the online meetings and then try to veer the direction of a local meeting.....I have never been and I am sort of excited about it and about being able to be honest about who I am.
It's normal to be hesitant about going to your first meeting. But once you go you will meet a lot people just like you. It's no different then the welcoming that you got in this forum. Online meetings are ok but they could not substitute for real meetings. The best way to go is to call you local AA intergroup office who's phone number would be online under AA intergroup in your town or in your phone book under AA. The phones are staffed with recovering AA people just like us that understand just what you're going through. Part of what these people do is offer to take people to their first meeting or two. In your case it would be a woman or two women and they would take you to a well established meeting and introduce you to some other women that are doing well that can help you with the ins and outs of making it through your first 90 days of sobriety. Often times these folks become close friends.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 24th of September 2009 02:16:32 PM
Aloha Soccermom...When you're telling "our" story its never boring and it helps to keep us sober. I also never want to go back to where you are at right now again. Share away. Let go of the fear...try caution which is a bit different. Dean is right on about face to face meetings. Face to face meetings makes it all real...the before the now and what comes as a result. You can stop drinking anytime you are ready. There is no law that says you gotta drink and no reason large enough to make it the only alternative considering your consequences. Tea worked!!
St Pete Dean...thank you very much. I will call TODAY. I looked up local meetings yesterday but then it took me to these sort of sites...SO I will just use anywho.com and find out the closest to Me and call. I did not know someone would be going with Me to my first meeting. That is so great. I will let you know what happens after I call.
LOL about the Tea last night...it was very relaxing and I will be drinking it again tonight.
Today has been great, I made cupcakes with my little Cowboy Luke(my son) and I am keeping busy cleaning, getting things ready for daughter to come home for homework and then I will get dinner going for the fam.
As I said earlier...yesterday in the late morning after that last drink, I honestly thought I was very close to death. So, today looks different, my kids look different. Everything feels different. I am going to take it one day at a time and just be thankful for what God allows Me to wake up to.
Thank you for sharing here, Angie. I am sorry for your loss. Despite your suspiciouns it can only ever have still been a shock & sore grief to you though since then you have considered your own situation & want to change it for love of life, God & your children. I'm hearing your honesty, openmindedness & willingness in celebration & hope. Enjoy your first meetings & do as many as you can. You will make many new friends & I hope you'll return here to share how it's going for you. In newfound sobriety with support! Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Angie, reading more about you was a wonderful message for me today. It does sound like you are in a great spot in terms of willingness to heal. This is about recovery and you already have some knowledge about what triggered your drinking to the point of destruction. Knowing that, you are primed for step 1 which is that you cannot go backwards and surrender a day at a time to being powerless over alcohol and that it makes life unmanageable for you. Nothing happens by accident. You had to go through what you did to find this solution and, even if you get scared or doubtful at times, we are here in meeting and on this site for you. All you have to do is keep the willingness to grow, recover, and become more whole again. It can be a bumpy ride for a while, but it is well worth it. I think your husband will likely change his outlook when he starts seeing the changes in you, but that is secondary to what you have already stated. You know deeply you need to do this for a number of reasons, most importantly for you. Keep coming back!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
It's no bore at all. My condolences on the loss of your Mom. As you'll find, every time someone shares, it helps us all. Even when someone just comes into a meeting and says "Hi, My name is ____________ and I choose not to drink today." it gives us all an opportunity to extand the hand of Unity, experience the miracle of Service and together we progress in Recovery.
Hey Angie, thanks for being here. Really, really sorry for your loss. I live in a different country from my mom, who's an impoverished senior and I worry about her all the time. I certainly drank on that.
I too started in AA by online meetings. I was scared to go to a face to face meeting and felt a bit humiliated.
But then, I went in, and wow, it was great. Then after a couple of months, I stopped going for a couple of weeks after a holiday and had a few beers. I came back before it killed me or get my put away and haven't had a drunk since. I guess that I've learned that it really does work if you work it.
My sponsor said to me: just don't take this first drink and get to a meeting. It'll work after that.
Keep coming back, country girl! :)
-- Edited by SteveP on Sunday 4th of October 2009 07:46:54 AM
-- Edited by SteveP on Sunday 4th of October 2009 07:47:09 AM
